Beware "Pirates"

Reading about someone's obsessive dislike of a film they haven't seen is pretty damn tedious, I realize, but pieces about Johnny Depp plugging Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest are much, much worse. Depp is mugging and prancing around in tall boots and a loose-flowing shirt and a three-cornered hat so he can get paid....end of story. If I could wave a magic wand that would make all the arts editors at all the big syndicates and big-city newspapers totally ignore this film, I would do so. Beware the commercial gleam in the eyes of Gore Verbinski and Jerry Bruckheimer because they are seducers, not lovers. They are not interested in the state of your soul or the beating of your heart after you've seen their two-hour, 30-minute "entertainment" -- they'll scamper out the rear exit door before the opening credit sequence is finished, laughing like hell. Beware Pirates screenwriters Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio...beware their machinations. (They wrote both Zorro movies...they wrote the "story" of Godzilla...they're bad people.) Beware Keira Knightley in all her manifestations, but especially in 18th Century gowns and hair extensions. I for one intend to arise early on July 7th and hike into the mountains and find an isolated spot and beat myself with birch branches like Max von Sydow in The Virgin Spring.

Gucci Agonistes<< previous | next >>Haley Atwell is...?

Posted by Jeffrey Wells on June 25, 2006 at 10:24 AM

comment #1

NYCBusybody says ...

It's just fun. A lot of us really liked Pirates 1, and thought Johnny Depp was very amusing in it, and he seems to enjoy it very much too. So they make a lot of money on it. So what? That's what free markets are all about. People like to spend money on things they enjoy, and if Johnny Depp in a pirate hat makes people smile and children happy, more power to 'em. Christ, what a miserable grinch Wells is.

Posted by NYCBusybody at June 25, 2006 11:16 AM

comment #2

NYCBusybody says ...

And in addition...I don't think the average moviegoer is too concerned about the state of their beating heart or soul after seeing a Saturday afternoon entertainment. If Wells ascribes that type of power to a movie producer, he's the one with ridiculously misplaced priorities. I'll gladly pay money to see Pirates, I'll enjoy it with my nephew, I'll love hearing him laugh, and both our hearts and souls will be just fine, thank you.

Posted by NYCBusybody at June 25, 2006 11:19 AM

comment #3

Jeffrey Wells says ...

No grinch moi...I tried to get into "Pirates" twice and HATED it. I know what "it's just fun" means to the kick-backers and go-alongers. I love having fun (i.e., "Dumb and Dumber," the Three Stooges, "Bringing Up Baby," the mixture of quaaludes and pretty girls in the '70s) and movies like this are not about "fun" at all. They're phony-baloney-ass Club Med vacations. Movies like this are "what free markets are all about"? Movies like this make me want to become a Communist.

Posted by Jeffrey Wells at June 25, 2006 11:28 AM

comment #4

Confused says ...

Mr. Grinch is right. It is possible that someone can love the Pirates films (assuming the sequels rock) and also love films like Sideways and Me You and Everyone We Know. There's a reason Depp was nominated for an Oscar. He gave one of the most fun performances I've ever seen. And Ted Elliot and Terry Rossio wrote Aladdin, you elitist bastard.

Posted by Confused at June 25, 2006 11:29 AM

comment #5

Mistress Malevolent says ...

Stuff and nonsense! Drew McSweeny (AKA Moriarty) over at AICN, whose opinion can normally be trusted, says its a hoot and a half and better than the first picture. Like the first one, for all of its CGI, it is character drawn. There is absolutely nothing wrong with popcorn entertainment with a brain. Would that all summer blockbusters had one.

http://www.aintitcool.com/display.cgi?id=23694

Posted by Mistress Malevolent at June 25, 2006 11:31 AM

comment #6

NYCBusybody says ...

Methinks Jeffrey is just getting older and growing snarkier as he resigns himself to the fate that his life hasn't really meant much. The only people who "want to become Communists" are those who fail to achieve success, and end up running half-baked internet columns. I for one shall toast Mr. Depp's success, and pray that Jeffrey moves to Cuba.

Posted by NYCBusybody at June 25, 2006 11:37 AM

comment #7

Jeffrey Wells says ...

Wells to NYCBusybody: Whoa...got me!

Posted by Jeffrey Wells at June 25, 2006 11:44 AM

comment #8

Alan says ...

Now now... don't pull a Poland. The first one may not be your cup o' rum. But it was fine entertainment for a lot of people, myself included (although there's drag issues). I expect great fun with the next one too.

It is possible to love both SUPERMAN RETURNS and POTC 2. Hard to believe, I know.

Posted by Alan at June 25, 2006 11:45 AM

comment #9

Noah says ...

I think we all got it three months ago when Wells started trashing this movie...just like Munich, he hated it before anybody had even seen it. Nothing will change his mind and he'll continue with his vitriolic remarks because it gets him publicity and puts his name in Page Six. So, he can whine all he wants about how Depp and Verbinski are "selling out" and are "media whores", but the truth is that Wells is JUST LIKE THEM.

Posted by Noah at June 25, 2006 11:46 AM

comment #10

Anonymous says ...

And how do you know it's a paycheck film for Depp? That's quite an assumption on your part when the dailies on the original film scared the shit out of Disney but he told everyone to go fuck themselves. He deserves every penny he gets for the role, but there's no way for you to know if that's the reason he's doing these films.

Posted by Anonymous at June 25, 2006 11:49 AM

comment #11

Jeffrey Wells says ...

REPLY #1: Saying that I hate the whole mythology and apparent attitude/intentions of the "Pirates" flicks and the people who've made them without even seeing the damn thing isn't going get me attention on Page Six or anywhere else....it just makes me sound like a presumptuous cranky asshole. But if there's a kind of movie I loathe with every last mini-fibre in my being, it's the kind of film exemplified by the first "Pirates." REPLY #2: Depp's performance in the first film didn't scare the shit out of anyone at Disney. Bruckheimer reportedly had some reservations about Depp's fey mannerisms...he wanted him to be more mainstream hero-ish....big deal.

Posted by Jeffrey Wells at June 25, 2006 12:01 PM

comment #12

NYCBusybody says ...

"Pretty girls in the 70s"?

No to get off topic (well, yes, to get off topic), but I've always considered myself fortunate for being young in the late 90's and into the 00's. 70's girls, from all photographic and cinematic evidence I've seen, all had froofy hair and K-Mart clothes.

Posted by NYCBusybody at June 25, 2006 12:06 PM

comment #13

Anonymous says ...

That's true to some extent about the froofy hair and the K-Mart clothes, but the late '70s was a time of pure splendor in the nookie realm...it was glorious.

Posted by Anonymous at June 25, 2006 12:14 PM

comment #14

Joe Leydon says ...

Also: The '70s was the last decade when fear of AIDS didn't temper your lust for nookie.

Posted by Joe Leydon at June 25, 2006 12:36 PM

comment #15

Ria says ...

Well, I for one agree with Mr. Wells. Never saw the first one in the theater but saw it on TV. Halfway thru it and I changed the channel. I found Depp's perdormance annoying for one, Bloom wooden as one of the planks used in the ship and overall tedious.

Have no intention on seeing the sequels at all. I can have fun with some inane movie like anyone else but pirates did not do it for me. And for a lot of Oscarworthy performances that Depp has done in the past, he was nominated for this crap?

Posted by Ria at June 25, 2006 1:17 PM

comment #16

travis b. says ...

Pirates was good for one reason: Johnny Depp. And even that began to grow old as the movie went on. Will I see the next one? Probably. But, I can see where Wells is coming from. How that makes him a grinch or a communist i'll never know. It's just an opinion kids. You're free to make up your own mind too, y'know.

Posted by travis b. at June 25, 2006 1:30 PM

comment #17

Markus R says ...

Well, more power to Wells! Of course this post is prejudiced and juvenile in essence but it feels honest, because it expresses something publicly that lovers of "movies that are good for the soul" think in private. There is really no other defense against empty blockbusters that everyone watches and pays good money for, while getting, yes, a hermetic Club Med holiday in return. These movies are business, colorful and loud, while Wells' rantings approach poetry (I feel he is even channeling "The Genius Of the Crowd"). That's something to cherish. No matter what the Pirates are up to.

Posted by Markus R at June 25, 2006 1:37 PM

comment #18

Anonymous says ...

I just recently came across this website... but man, this wells guy is messed up. It'entertaining.

Posted by Anonymous at June 25, 2006 1:44 PM

comment #19

NYCBusybody says ...

Jealousy fuels Communism, greed fuels Capitalism.

Long live greed. I'll enjoy my Club Med holiday with pride, and shall even more enjoy seeing Al Gore's childish rant gross less than $10M. Viva la Revolucion!

Posted by NYCBusybody at June 25, 2006 1:46 PM

comment #20

Frank says ...

I don't understand how one could praise Poseidon for what it is, but be so down on the Pirates of the Caribbean movies.The first one wasn't Shakespeare or anything, but it's just supposed to be escapist fun. I don't understand what's so wrong about seeing a movie that's light hearted and toungue-in-cheek every once in a while.

Posted by Frank at June 25, 2006 1:47 PM

comment #21

Nicol D says ...

Of course films by themselves are greedy proposals in any form.

What other creative outlet or artform costs millions and millions of dollars?

One Pirates funds all of those Che loving history trashing Clooney type projects that most people have no interest in seeing.

Which is why even a George Clooney makes big budget trash (Ocean's 13) to justify his own endeavors.

If there were no Pirates...there would be no 'art'. That's just the way it breaks down in the big picture.

Posted by Nicol D at June 25, 2006 1:58 PM

comment #22

travis b. says ...

where is george clooney associated with a Che movie? i know you say Clooney types, but it sounds like an excuse just to take a swipe at a person who doesn't agree with your politics. and the whole "communist" thing that's been going around on these boards is bullshit. sounds like people who don't have a good argument, yet resort to name calling in order to prove themselves better. pretty weak.

Posted by travis b. at June 25, 2006 2:13 PM

comment #23

NYCBusybody says ...

Jeffrey is the one who claimed to want to be a Communist, no one called him one.

By a man's words shall you know him.

Posted by NYCBusybody at June 25, 2006 2:15 PM

comment #24

Neeb says ...

Okay, just so we all understand: POTC is based on a ride. A five minute diversion with cool lighting and sounds. It is not a generational saga about crime families and those they affect, nor a retelling of a revolt in one of the most caustic regions in the world, nor a story of metaphysical space knights and the wars they wage.
Five minutes. Produced by Jerry Bruckheimer.
We're not discussing Stravinsky's 'Rite of Spring' here in the 1890s. We're talking about foofy pirates.
Somehow, methinks there's a little overreation and overappreciation going on with regards to the first POTC and the next POTC.
For those of you under the delusion that POTC is the epic of all generations, when your balls drop and you go to an accredited university, and you're trying to impress that aloof but hotty art chick, POTC won't help you.
Remember Something About Mary? Remember when Matt Dillon was trying to score with Cameron Diaz? And in response to her talking about Harold and Maude, he volunteered the Karate Kid? Matt Dillon didn't get laid. You're Matt Dillon.
If you're excited about slimy, scary things in the ocean... you should brush up on your Freud.
In the meantime, I'm gonna go score with the hotty art chick.

Posted by Neeb at June 25, 2006 2:22 PM

comment #25

NYCBusybody says ...

Hotty art chicks are all dykes.

Posted by NYCBusybody at June 25, 2006 2:25 PM

comment #26

Ju-osh says ...

Last weekend it seemed like everyone on this site (Wells and those in the comments section) were spitting bile on Dave Poland for posting an anti-Superman review/rant. Well, at least Dave SAW the movie he was bashing. If Wells has indeed seen POTC, his tirade above doesn't even hint at it. I normally enjoy Jeff's posts and articles, but writing knee-jerk disses on the film & filmmakers based upon ol' wise man assumptions and impressions left over from the last film seems like the sort of thing one would expect from the AICN talkbackers.

Posted by Ju-osh at June 25, 2006 2:25 PM

comment #27

Nicol D says ...

Travis,

The new Soderbergh 'Che' whackfest was originally to be produced under the Section Eight banner of which Clooney is a part.

Now I see Section Eight and Clooney are not involved, hence I will retract my comment with the Clooney/Che inference.

I have liked much of what Clooney has done but I have no time for Che sympathizers.

As for communism and Hollywood, it's relationship is as old as the hills. Even Jimmy Stewart commented on it.

There is a reason why we have never seen the 3 hour epic of the horror of Stalinist Russia.

Nazi's were pure evil, but let's never forget, more people died under the hammer and scicle than ever died under the swastika.

Posted by Nicol D at June 25, 2006 2:30 PM

comment #28

travis b. says ...

i agree with you on the evils of Stalinist Russia. And I was more commenting on the fact that there's a lot of name calling going on (calling each other communists...this isn't the first time it's been going on in these boards...of course, such is the nature of faceless arguing) than there is rational argument.

Posted by travis b. at June 25, 2006 2:34 PM

comment #29

Joe Leydon says ...

Busybody: I don't know how to break this to you, but the gross for Gore's "rant" should pass the $10 million mark within the next 2-3 days. I wouldn't be surprised to see it hit the $20 million mark.

Nicol: The hammer and "scicle"? (I know -- it's a cheap shot, but I couldn't resist.)

Posted by Joe Leydon at June 25, 2006 2:41 PM

comment #30

NYCBusybody says ...

Ok, so $20 mil. Big deal. With average ticket prices of $9 (hell, $11 where I go on the Upper West Side), that's what, 2.3 million people who saw it? And they were all converts anyway.

I think the idea of a Hammer and Sickle-sicle would be a fantastic idea, for those hot, outdoor Commie BBQ's.

Posted by NYCBusybody at June 25, 2006 2:46 PM

comment #31

kadoogan says ...

NYC Busybody:

You're wrong about INCONVENIENT TRUTH on both counts. Obviously it's going to gross more than $10 million, but the fact that you call it a "childish rant" proves that you haven't actually taken the time to see the movie you are criticizing (something that I think this thread has established as being bad). INCONVENIENT TRUTH is a sober, rational presentation on the causes and effects of global warming and climate change. You should see it first before calling it "childish."

And your statement that "all hotty art chicks are dykes" is one of those broad, sweeping statements that are so obviously wrong and idiotic that I would normally laugh it off...except I think that you actually believe it.

Posted by kadoogan at June 25, 2006 3:05 PM

comment #32

NYCBusybody says ...

Well, they might not all be lesbians, but the only men they have sex with are girly-men themselves.

Posted by NYCBusybody at June 25, 2006 3:08 PM

comment #33

kadoogan says ...

Again with a broad, sweeping comment that shows you don't know how to handle anything complicated or intricate and you don't like to go out of your way to do research or experience real life before commenting on it. If I had to guess, I would say that you are an ugly, 40 year-old man with bad hair. I would say that you are Ann Coulter.

Posted by kadoogan at June 25, 2006 3:15 PM

comment #34

NYCBusybody says ...

An ugly, 40 year-old man with bad hair....also know as art chicks.

Posted by NYCBusybody at June 25, 2006 3:16 PM

comment #35

conspiracy? says ...

Really Jeffrey, your campaign against "Pirates" and over-hype of "Superman" is so transparent its embarassing. Move on to the rest of the summer...please.

Posted by conspiracy? at June 25, 2006 3:20 PM

comment #36

Nicol D says ...

"Nicol: The hammer and "scicle"? (I know -- it's a cheap shot, but I couldn't resist.)"

Joe,

Yes, you are right. Hammer and Scythe.

Arrghhhhhh. A good point lost do to a rushed entry and too much 'lemonade' on a hot Sunday afternoon!

All the best.

Posted by Nicol D at June 25, 2006 3:38 PM

comment #37

Nicol D says ...

...that should read 'due'...

I think I'm done commenting for the day.


Where's the 'lemonade'?

Posted by Nicol D at June 25, 2006 3:39 PM

comment #38

Anonymous says ...

Actuaklly, hammer and "sickle" also is acceptable. Or so I've been told my Commie acquaintances. (You can stick with your lemonade - I'm guzzling a fine Merlot right now myself.)

Posted by Anonymous at June 25, 2006 4:01 PM

comment #39

LB says ...

I just read the LA Times article Jeffrey wrote of in his other post and I'm wondering if we can table this debate until after the coastal cities have been flooded. At least then we might be able to figure out how to prioritize.

In the meantime, I won't rush out to see PIRATES. I won't try to avoid it. I guess I'm the moviegoer who's just right.

Posted by LB at June 25, 2006 4:09 PM

comment #40

Judge says ...

My my. Quite the bitchy little moaner, aren't we, NYCBusybody? Boo-hoo-hoo.

I wholeheartedly agree with Mr Wells. Wouldn't want to sit through another god-awful Bruckheimer mess, ever again.

Posted by Judge at June 25, 2006 4:20 PM

comment #41

NYCBusybody says ...

That's it, Judge, you're out of my will!

Posted by NYCBusybody at June 25, 2006 4:25 PM

comment #42

sandekat says ...

Jeffrey puts great value on his opinion. Its what his life is about....that's why he stands on this self indulgent little soap box yelling. But his tirade above isn't about 'opinion'. Its about him being RIGHT and others being WRONG....and not just 'wrong', but BAD and VENAL and LIARS. He's become intoxicated by his self-righteousness and addled by the poison of impotent anger.
Which is why, despite his advancing age, his intelligence, his heart and his knowlege of the business, he can't really be trusted about much of anything. He's the lunatic on the soapbox, a mote floating in a virtual sea of sing song opinion.

Posted by sandekat at June 25, 2006 4:33 PM

comment #43

Joe Leydon says ...

Nicol: Sorry about not signing my name to the above post. I wasn't trying to be a weasel. Too much Merlot, I guess. (Maybe not as potent as lemonade, but...)

Busybody: All your talk about alleged lesbians makes me suspect you couldn't get laid on Death Row of a women's prison with a pocketful of pardons. Of course, I could be mistaken. (Which is something Ann Coulter would never admit.)

Posted by Joe Leydon at June 25, 2006 5:06 PM

comment #44

NYCBusybody says ...

Bah and harrumph! I've been misunderstood!

I have nothing but love for lesbians. I just hate art students!

Posted by NYCBusybody at June 25, 2006 5:15 PM

comment #45

Kevin C. says ...

"The only people who 'want to become Communists' are those who fail to achieve success, and end up running half-baked internet columns. I for one shall toast Mr. Depp's success, and pray that Jeffrey moves to Cuba."

I'm not in to name-calling -- and most would argue this is why I'll never approach the honed wit possessed by NYCBusybody -- so I'll just ask, REALLY, man? You've got a comment on every thread I've ever read on this "half-baked" site.

One more question: You referred to An Inconvenient Truth as a "childish rant." Are there, perhaps, lasers and computer chips in the makeup of your person that guide this clever sagacity? Because surely this is the only way a lance such as that one could be calibrated so exactly. And a follow-up: If yes, are you from the future?

Posted by Kevin C. at June 25, 2006 5:44 PM

comment #46

Gabriel says ...

I, for one, could listen to Wells bash POTC - and Munich - all day long. He was certainly right about Munic and the first Pirates movie, and the odds that the second Pirates movie is any better are not all that high.

With the talkback rants and admin backlash, this site is quickly turning into Aint It Elsewhere News.

Posted by Gabriel at June 25, 2006 5:55 PM

comment #47

NYCBusybody says ...

Yes, I'm a robot from the future....almost as robotic as Al Gore!

Zing! Pow! I'll be in Yonkers next weekend folks, you've been a lovely audience, really you have.

Posted by NYCBusybody at June 25, 2006 6:00 PM

comment #48

Anonymous says ...

Sometimes that "Lewis Black of blogging" monicker is dead-fucking-on.

Posted by Anonymous at June 25, 2006 6:29 PM

comment #49

delbomber says ...

It's hard to remain credible promoting soul-less dreck like 'Poseidon' while defecating all over a movie that has ten times the imagination and gusto. I will not see POTC, I literally closed my eyes and snoozed 20 minutes during the first, but man, jeff, repeat after me...serenity now...serenity now. You're being seduced by the blog format, keep it above board. Even your rival/nemesis/crony is smart enough not to shit where he eats.

Posted by delbomber at June 25, 2006 6:37 PM

comment #50

Alan says ...

Jesus Christ, between your rant on PIRATES and Poland's SUPERMAN hate-on before he saw frame one of the movie, you two sound like a couple of fucking AICN Talkbackers. But go ahead, pick your movie turf. Wear the jerseys, cheer for your team.

I'll be enjoying both, thanks.

Posted by Alan at June 25, 2006 7:43 PM

comment #51

Bob says ...

Neeb:
"For those of you under the delusion that POTC is the epic of all generations, when your balls drop and you go to an accredited university, and you're trying to impress that aloof but hotty art chick, POTC won't help you."

Um, dude? Yeah, hi. "Accredited university" graduate and art student here. And lemme speak from experience: If that "aloof but hotty art chick" is even "into" guys this month, trust me: She WANTS to see the "Johnny 'god-of-beatnik-chicks' Depp prancing around in eyeliner" movie :)

The first "Pirates" is about 20 minutes too long and oddly-paced. But I was 100% set to HATE it (Bruckheimer, Disney, based on a ride, etc) and I dug the hell out of it. My reasons are simple and I don't appologize for them: I never get sick of a good sword fight, SKELETON PIRATES are freaking awesome, Keira Knightley is waaay hotter than any woman that skinny has any right to be and Depp was a riot.

It's not a masterpeice, but it's good and I'm looking forward to seeing #2. I'm not expecting to see an Oscar nominee, or anything with some transcendant human-condition message in it. I'm expecting to see a movie where the villian HAS AN OCTOPUS FOR A FACE! How much ass does that kick??

Posted by Bob at June 25, 2006 10:25 PM

comment #52

Television's Nick says ...

This post translated into crazy-street-corner-preacher-ese:

"Fear mass-market entertainment, lest ye, a member of the mass-market, be thouroughly entertained.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN IS A VERITABLE CELLULOID SODOM AND GAMMORAH!

Praise be to those pure souls who only watch pondering "art" films! Damnation on those who would watch well-acted, well-crafted fluff!

God says every two-and-a-half-hours of your life in theatres should be spent on "issue" films. It's in the bible. Look at it. It's a book. But you, you consumers of mass-market entertainment, you do not read books lest they have a "code" or a "Da Vinci." And that is why you are all going to hell.

THIS MOVIE FRANCHISE IS THE FIRST STEP TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE! AVOID FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR VERY SOUL!"

Posted by Television's Nick at June 25, 2006 10:54 PM

comment #53

Mike Gebert says ...

Elliott and Rossio have a website where they teach practical principles of screnwriting (or at least they did 5 years ago; I haven't checked to see if it's still up). Most of it's decent and no worse than reading Syd Field, say, but there was one piece of advice I especially loved-- if you wanted to write about something historical or scientific, they suggested that you go find a children's book on the subject, as it would contain all you needed to know about the subject that could fit into a popular movie, would be a quick read for you, and would present the subject at a level appropriate to your audience.

Posted by Mike Gebert at June 26, 2006 6:15 AM

comment #54

Frank Kwok says ...

Jeez, Jeffrey, enough already. Your Lord of the Rings broadsides were beyond what was necessary to make a point, but these POTC screeds are way over the top. Your idea of fun: "Dumb and Dumber," the Three Stooges, "Bringing Up Baby." Okay, two out of three ain't bad (screw D&D), but just goes to show that one man's meat is another's piece of movie crapola. ("Bringing Up Baby" IS the true masterpiece of screwball comedy, and the Stooges are eternal.)

POTC succeeded precisely because it exceeded all expectations for a movie based on an 'effin ride. The fact that it had shrewd insertions of witty dialog allowed it to appeal to adults and kids, the very bi-level trick that Disney and Pixar have plied time and again. All the actors clearly dug in and played it for what it was: an entertaining romp. Depp went for the gusto and struck the motherload by successfully creating a truly memorable film character. The fact that its plot was a narrative snowball didn't hurt at all either.

Served up against another romp, "The Adventures of Robin Hood," POTC holds it own more than adequately. Yes, it does.

It is what it is, period.

Posted by Frank Kwok at June 26, 2006 7:31 AM

comment #55

Mike Gebert says ...

"Served up against another romp, "The Adventures of Robin Hood," POTC holds it own more than adequately."

And then lightning came from the sky and reduced Frank Kwok to ashes.

Pirates of the Caribbean may hold up next to Burt Lancaster in The Crimson Pirate, another fun but slightly-too-amused-by-itself romp. That's the most you can say.

Posted by Mike Gebert at June 26, 2006 11:14 AM

comment #56

Anonymous says ...

"I don't go to the movies to think."
"I think all day."
"I like to go to the movies to be entertained."
"I like silly movies because they're fun."
"Why are you so serious."
"I like pirates."
"I'm smart and I like these movies."

This country speaks in the voice of a spoiled fifteen year old girl.
Please give your money to Jerry Bruckheimer.
Because that's what he's there for.
To take your money.
So he can buy a house in Jackson Hole and another lear jet.
If we're all so unpretentious and down to earth than why can't anyone admit that the reason they like going to these middlebrow entertainments is because everything else is "boring."
Because people are doing calculus in their head all day.
Judging from the people in this city, except for the eighty percent or so who spend most of their time serving the other twenty, most of the time what people are doing is jibber-jabbing into their cell phones, gossiping and justifying why everything they do is correct.
These movies aren't an escape.
An escape from what.
They're a habit.
A junk food habit.
Anyone who is excited about seeing this movie has a fat mind.
Oh maybe you look good and you're young, but that doesn't matter.
Your mind is fat and sloppy.
I know.
I know.
But you're so smart all day long.
All you want to do is relax when you go to the movies.
Garbage in, garbage out.

"It is what it is."

Yeah.
And you are what you are.
Another dummy who has convinced themselves that because they are able to sit and watch a movie and understand what the people are saying that you're some kind of braniac whose opinion is just as valid as anyone else's.
No it isn't.
You're opinion is of no importance.
What is important is that you go to work all week and then give whatever money you have left over to snake oil salesman like Jerry Bruckheimer.
You're a sucker.
But you see all those arty pretentious movies and they put you to sleep because nothing happens.
Maybe that's because you have no attention span.
You never cultivated one.
You just want spectacle and pretty people saying funny things because as we all know the prettiest people are also the funniest.
You know what you are.
You're a little person.
You're one of the people Nathaneal West warned the rest of us about.
Go see your pirate movie and laugh when you're told to laugh and cheer when you are supposed to cheer.
A bunch of programmed assassins.
Munching on stale popcorn.
And everyone wants to ban cigarettes and get rid of fast food and put people in jail for doing drugs.
You think I'm ridiculous and a buffoon.

"Actually, yes. I do think you're a buffoon."

Remember that when your sitting in the middle row and you're getting anxious that your milk duds are running and you can't help but laugh at Johnny Depp's funny voices and you don't know why you're laughing and you can't explain why everyone else is laughing the exact same way you're laughing and they too sit in the middle row and they're shaking their milk duds box to jimmy loose that last crushed one on the bottom.

Posted by Anonymous at June 26, 2006 3:00 PM

comment #57

LB says ...

You should have signed that one, whoever you are. It's a friggin' work of art.

Posted by LB at June 26, 2006 3:06 PM

comment #58

Neeb says ...

Bob,

We're still talking about an overlong movie based on a ride. We're not going to talk about it in 30 months, much less 30 years.
In any event, my target was the fanatics bending over backwards to defend something that... is going to have people checking their watches at some point.
Perspective is called for.
Come back and defend POTC when you've seen Sir, NO Sir!, or Hidden Blade, or Army of Shadows.
POTC does not and can not compare to any of those films that won't even see a fraction of POTC's opening day gross.
That said, I'll be there for the first show (no I'm not contradicting myself- I've said as much on anothe POTC thread. Why? Giant sea monsters. Giant sea monsters are cool.
But I doubt I'll sing the praises of POTC the way I've praised Inside Man, V, Inconvenient Truth, or any of the films I mentioned above.

Posted by Neeb at June 26, 2006 4:00 PM

comment #59

Brian says ...

To the unposted poster:
Wow. Have you ever actually enjoyed a movie? Or does your overwhelming sense of superiority keep that from happening? And it's Nathaniel, by the way. An editor would have caught that for you, but then again, an editor would probably have pruned your lecture above down to "I am better than everyone else. Especially you."

Posted by Brian at June 26, 2006 4:57 PM

comment #60

Anonymous says ...

I just wanted to thank Brian for pointing out my misspelling of Mr. West's name.
I appreciate it when someone takes the time to closely read what it is that I have written.
Sometimes, when I am in a hurry, I forget to fact-check.
So thanks.
Perhaps Brian should consider a career in proofing.
I also appreciate Brian's fresh critical take.
Normally, when a writer uses the second person, it's employed as a distancing device, a la Jay McInerny (I'm sure I have spelled his name wrong, but I'm eating dinner right now) in Bright Lights Big City.
Or what they call an "inverted 'I.'"
Sadly, I have to agree with Brian and admit that I do really believe that I am better than everyone.
It's one of my flaws, but hopefully, like a well-rounded character written by the legendary Robert (Tequila Sunrise) Towne, it only serves to illuminate my inherent humanity.
It was the great Charles Bukowski who said that his father had beaten the pretense out of him.
Unlike the inimitable Hank though, I, through the tender loving care of my father, Dr C. Marciniak, had the pretense cuddled into me.
Again, thank you Brian.
And wherever you are, don't forget to save me the last milk dud.

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comment #64

Bob says ...

Neeb:
"In any event, my target was the fanatics bending over backwards to defend something that... is going to have people checking their watches at some point.
Perspective is called for."

Here's perspective:
I won't defend them as pefection, because they aren't. But I WILL defend them as steps in the right direction, and better than average in their own right.

As far as I'm concerned, every single solitary baby-step that the cinema takes AWAY from the prison of "reality" is a positive one, so I'll welcome each of them and "bend over backwards" to find the good therein.

Geekdom "put up with" and championed the better aspects of decades of average-to-below fantasy/sf films, Milius' "Conan," "Willow" and the hundreds of lesser sword-and-sorcery films prior to LOTR, and the result was worth waiting ANOTHER few decades for. So despite whatever else it may or may not be, every time a film of "Pirates" type hits big it means I'm gaining MORE giant sea-monsters, more skeleton pirates and more realms and creatures of the fantastic down the road. So I say bring it on.

Posted by Bob at June 26, 2006 10:10 PM

comment #65

Anonymous says ...

"Geekdom "put up with" and championed the better aspects of decades of average-to-below fantasy/sf films, Milius' "Conan," "Willow" and the hundreds of lesser sword-and-sorcery films prior to LOTR, and the result was worth waiting ANOTHER few decades for. So despite whatever else it may or may not be, every time a film of "Pirates" type hits big it means I'm gaining MORE giant sea-monsters, more skeleton pirates and more realms and creatures of the fantastic down the road. So I say bring it on."

Well, if I have to put up with another 'Willow' the monastery looks better and better all the time.
Although I am with you on the idea that hopefully, the future will give us pirate and sea monster movies on par with a 'Godfather' or 'Lawrence of Arabia.' How cool would a movie based on Blackbeard's life be? Or Sir Francis Drake? Or a big budget HP Lovecraft movie?
I do disagree with your comments about 'breaking out of the prison of reality.' Most Hollywood movies are dwelling excessively on the naif concerns of the suntanned, upper middle class. And I'm not talking ruthless and anxious office politics or chisling power plays, I'm talking about movies where Jennifer Aniston ponders whether she should take the Lexus or the Explorer to go to Crate and Barrel.
Where are movies that deal with real things? Nasty emotional battles of a divorce or a young middle manager that gets called up for military duty and finds he can't have his old job back or any other unpleasent situation we see every day.
Granted, I'll see that on Lifetime, but I'd rather see it done by talented creators without the historonics at a theater near me.

Posted by Anonymous at June 27, 2006 12:12 AM

comment #66

SW says ...

Although I am sympathetic to your critique of the formula and the first movie, there is still something deeply absurd about having such an emphatic opinion about something that you haven't seen. Hold your fire son.

Posted by SW at June 27, 2006 5:49 PM

comment #67

Frank Kwok says ...

"Pirates of the Caribbean may hold up next to Burt Lancaster in The Crimson Pirate, another fun but slightly-too-amused-by-itself romp. That's the most you can say."

Wrong, Mike Gebert. It's way too convenient to compare POTC to TCP, against just another pirate movie. "The Adventures of Robin Hood," while a fondly remembered classic by 2006, IS a romp.

As a MOVIE experience, POTC holds its own against TAoRH quite nicely.

Posted by Frank Kwok at June 28, 2006 7:44 AM

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Posted by bob Author Profile Page at September 15, 2006 11:05 AM

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