The Fun's Over
The Fun's Over
[Before reading this article, click on this mp3 file -- the song you'll hear fits the mood of what's being said.]
For yours truly, the helium began to leak out of the Snakes on a Plane balloon when it was announced last Tuesday that New Line had decided not to advance- screen it for critics. That was a big uh-oh for those who knew the code. Then came last Friday afternoon's Snakes presentation at Comic-Con, and that was it. End of story, case closed, unplug the phones.
Dumb animatronic snake drawing response from actress hired to play terrified passenger in New Line's Snakes on a Plane (8.18)
Judging by the eight or nine-minute reel I saw in Hall H, Snakes on a Plane is going to be a wackazoid cheeseball thriller for the pseudo-hippers. But not that much fun for people like me.
The reel seemed to promise a film that will be energetic and kick-assy and will almost certainly do the old New Line exploitation bootie-shake from start to finish. But it also had some fake-snake CG that seemed to be generated by FX software created in 1997. And of course the snakes are lethal killing machines that actually go "hssss!" like a pissed-off audience sitting in a movie theatre. And some of the big snakes, like Spielberg's Jaws shark, rumble and growl like lions on the plains of Kenya. And some of the animatronic snake models don't look right.
The reel promised a lot of screaming and sweating and some great snake-kill moments, but the cutting didn't seem all that great. (It seemed to me that a bit with Samuel L. Jackson slipping into the pilot's seat and trying to bring the plane out of a steep dive -- a standard plane-thriller gambit -- was handled pretty sloppily.)
And it had at least one instance of shamelessly bad dialogue when Jackson says to a senior stewardess when things get rough, "I need you to be strong for me." A guy I talked to later on tried to dismiss this as part of the joke that I'm incapable of getting because of my own problems, not the movie's. If I had a sense of humor I would relish the fact that Snakes on a Plane is a genre parody, he meant. So SoP is Airplane now? I think not. Some dialogue isn't awful enough to be funny -- it just goes thud.
The great Samuel L. Jackson (r.) at FBI agent Neville Flynn.
But the hoo-hah demeanor projected by Snakes director David R. Ellis is what really did it. 45 seconds after he walked out on-stage and started talking about the film, alarm bells were racketing in my head. A former stunt man, actor and 2nd A.D., Ellis reminds me of a hundred below-the-line guys I've met in this town over the last 20-odd years...an amiable go-alonger with a good sense of humor and a lot of friends....a guy who walks around in shorts and sandals and who likes to chill in the backyard on weekends with burgers on the barbie and a can of beer in his hand.
Don't get me wrong. Snakes will be "fun" if you go with the right downmarket attitude. It's a safe bet it'll clean up when it opens on 8.18 (the guessers are talking a first-weekend tally in the mid to high 20s), and I've been told it has at least three or four "nooo!" scenes that fans are going to howl at as they text-message their friends and spread the word. If this happens it'll probably translate into decent repeat business.
But the X-factor, smart-guy audience that had been primed and ready to enjoy this comic horror-thriller since the Snakes internet movement began last March has been jettisoned. Jettisoned back when the film was made, I mean. The hepcats loved the title and had fun with it, but they never realized (or wanted to realize) what kind of film Snakes on a Plane actually was all along. And I include myself in that equation.
The impression I got from the short reel on Friday is that Snakes on a Plane is maybe one-tenth as hip as the Snakes riffs we've all enjoyed the last three or four months on www.snakesonablog.com....if that.
Snakes on a Plane director David R. Ellis
I said it a long time ago, but the best part of Snakes on a Plane happened online in March and April. The movie couldn't possibly live up to all the hype, and now we're all starting to get the idea that it indeed hasn't. Reality has set in, o my brothers. Welcome to the world of 116 No. Robertson Blvd.
Jackson,who was fantastic last Friday on the Hall H stage, said at one point that he loved what had happened with the internet Snakes frenzy, and that he's looking forward to a day when interactive fans will create plot points for a new film -- that the fans will one day become the new auteurs. In fact the fans were the auteurs with the Snakes on a Plane phenomenon. They ran the show. The Snakes team and the New Line "creatives" have been playing catch-up and "hey, can we get in on this thing?" all along.
Who knows what the three Snakes screenwriters -- John Heffernan, Sebastian Gutierrez, David Dalessandro -- had in mind in the early stages, but I know the Snakes footage I saw on Friday and the what-the-hell, pocket-the-paycheck attitude I picked up from David R. Ellis are one and the same.
The New Line powers-that-be have basically said, retroactively, "Uhh, thanks for the internet word-of-mouth guys. We all had some fun with those clever videos and songs and posters you came up with...really loved it. But that was you, not us. Thanks for thinking it might be and for helping us make millions, and...well, try not to blame us for not being on your wavelength."
I guess I basically drove all the way down to San Diego last Thursday to have my concerns about Snakes on a Plane confirmed, and now they have been.
I'm sure New Line publicity would like me to be strong for them. Do the dance, hold the line and wait until the movie opens on Friday, 8.18. But they showed the footage at Comic-Con and brought Ellis up on the stage, and I think it's fair to air my impressions of that.
It just hit me I may be helping the cause with this piece. Critics and media people who haven't thought much about SoP may read it and go "stupid piece of shit" and write it off, and then they'll pay to see it in theatres at those 10 pm shows on Thursday , 8.17 and -- who knows? -- maybe it'll be a lot more entertaining than what the Comic-Con footage reel indicated and they'll write good reviews and spread the word.
It's always better to see a film with low expectations (or no expectations) than high ones. Any distribution exec will tell you this, including the ones at New Line.
Posted by Jeffrey Wells on July 23, 2006 at 11:59 AM
comment #1
Dr. Smith says ...
"Snakes on a Plane" reminds me of when I learned about Old and New Criticism back in high school English. NC states that the text itself is the only merit upon which to judge the artistic work in question, while OC brings outside sources such as author biography, social mores and political climate into the mix so that the work can be seen in the proper context.
SOAP is only relevent as a work of art if you use OC to judge it. It's a 21st Century, internet-invented, post-ironic goof, a hipster-in-the-know viral parody-of-a-parody. As a text-only work of art, it probably won't hold up any longer than a playing card can stand on edge.
SOAP upon conception has annoyingly demanded cult-classic status, which is akin to wanting a Purple Heart without going to war. It's the public's job to decide what becomes a cult-classic, not a bunch of shitbag marketing drones. This may be the first movie that not only contains in-jokes, but IS an in-joke. By way of title alone it defies criticism and thumbs its nose at art, though in such a deliberate fashion that its self-awareness makes it off-putting. The only people who REALLY want to see this movie are the ones who want to go to the theater and laugh the loudest just to show you how much they "get it."
Posted by Dr. Smith at July 23, 2006 1:00 PM
comment #2
Anonymous says ...
David Ellis concieved and executed the suburban massacre in Clear and Present Danger. Noyce left everything to him. He's officially kickass.
Posted by Anonymous at July 23, 2006 1:09 PM
comment #3
Aaron says ...
Seriously, when was there any thought that SoaP wasn't going to be some kind of dumbass film that people see because it's a dumbass film? Despite the title being dumb/simple to the point of being brilliant, who really expected any type of subtextual or subversive genius out of this film?
And ok, Jeff, I see your argument with the guy that's directing -- to a point. I myself know guys (and have heard a million more stories) about 2nd ADs and Stunt Guys and whatever the fuck really holding on in the industry and eventually getting to direct a film, and yes that is a big-time warning sign. But I just don't understand your logic sometiimes on what some people's speculated social habits have to do with their ability to direct a film. Who DOESN'T enjoy a good backyard bbq from time to time? Must we all wear ascots and drink fine grappa whilst meditating on literary classics all weekend long to be able to enjoy and/or make a film worth a damn? I've been around just as many shorts-and-flipflop-wearing, burger-flipping regular joes that could have intelligent conversations about intelligent films as I have been around the folks who enjoy the same attire who like stuff that blows up reel good in the theater and gets them home in time for the Blue Collar Comedy Hour.
I'm not trying to be a prick here, and I know I'll probably get slammed on this later by someone, but sometimes your logic is baffling and infuriating and insulting. More often than not, I'll agree with your assumptions about people. But damn if sometimes you just don't go off on a strange tangent and make the weirdest conclusions about the weirdest things. Anyways. Just wanted to comment on it because, as I said before, its just baffling.
Posted by Aaron at July 23, 2006 1:16 PM
comment #4
Jeffrey Wells says ...
Wells to Aaron: For all I know Stanley Kubrick hung out in shorts and sandals and liked to chill in his English country estate backyard on weekends with burgers on the barbie and a can of beer in his hand. But I kinda doubt it. You can just tell when you're watching and listening to an exceptionally bright and super-focused director/writer/whatever. They look and sound the part -- it's their eyes, their words, their rap. You can feel the gravity. Ellis isn't one of those guys...trust me on this one. Obviously the reason you were pissed is because YOU have a backyard barbecue and you like beer and you wear sandals and loose-flowing sports shirts...right? If this is true, I'm sorry to break this to you but that means you're not a very hip or creative guy. Kidding!
Posted by Jeffrey Wells at July 23, 2006 1:24 PM
comment #5
Nicol D says ...
"The hepcats loved the title and had fun with it, but they never realized (or wanted to realize) what kind of film Snakes on a Plane actually was all along"
This sentence more than any other nailed it. This is a film that most likely would have been just a bad horror thriller.
The fanboys wanted a film that was trying to be good, but was so bad it became 'cool' in the process. The studio then retroactively tried to make it that.
I suspect too, that it is just a bad film and damn...CGI snakes are so not scary.
This would have a chance if they went all Raiders and made the plane a real snake den. That would be cool. With CGI, it is just another throwaway.
Sadly though, I must add all of my film friends are psyched for it and virtually no one wants to see Miami Vice.
Posted by Nicol D at July 23, 2006 1:34 PM
comment #6
doug pratt says ...
Ellis directed Final Destination 2, which, all things being relative, was far and away better than the other two entries in the series, and if SoaP is anything like it, it will rock.
Posted by doug pratt at July 23, 2006 1:47 PM
comment #7
Anonymous says ...
an opening weekend in the mid to high 20's? NO WAY! $50 million for 3 days. Despite the R-rating. Guaranteed.
Posted by Anonymous at July 23, 2006 1:48 PM
comment #8
Anonymous says ...
"I must add all of my film friends are psyched for it and virtually no one wants to see Miami Vice."
Nicol D., no wonder you're convinced of the End of Western Civilization if these are your friends.
Posted by Anonymous at July 23, 2006 2:31 PM
comment #9
Nicol D says ...
Oh come come...
I never said there would be the end of Western Civilization...
Then again, I never thought I would see the day where I was discussing the merits of a film called Snakes on a Plane when I just watched Bergman's Winter Light the night before.
Posted by Nicol D at July 23, 2006 2:36 PM
comment #10
Pat says ...
This film needed to open two months ago to capitalize on its hype. They should have rushed it out, made their money, and been done with it. They've waited too long, released too much footage, and now people are realizing that it's all just hype.
Posted by Pat at July 23, 2006 2:37 PM
comment #11
NYCBusybody says ...
Jeffrey: Kubrick was actually a huge, huge fan of the NFL, and would have games taped and sent to him in England. He also once said the Budweiser commercials were the best American filmmaking being done at that time. My kind of guy.
Posted by NYCBusybody at July 23, 2006 2:47 PM
comment #12
nickc says ...
Cellular is a HIGHLY underrated thriller.
Posted by nickc at July 23, 2006 2:57 PM
comment #13
MIke Gebert says ...
So it is basically Eight-Legged Freaks, is what you're saying.
Posted by MIke Gebert at July 23, 2006 2:59 PM
comment #14
Anonymous says ...
ummm....this was exactly what I was expecting, a snake-y Deep Blue Sea like B-movie.
Posted by Anonymous at July 23, 2006 4:21 PM
comment #15
alfred says ...
Obviously the reason you were pissed is because YOU have a backyard barbecue and you like beer and you wear sandals and loose-flowing sports shirts...right? If this is true, I'm sorry to break this to you but that means you're not a very hip or creative guy. Kidding!
good save jeff.
hehe.
Posted by alfred at July 23, 2006 5:29 PM
comment #16
gh says ...
doug pratt -- amen to that. FD2 is one of the best deathsploitation films ever made.
Posted by gh at July 23, 2006 6:19 PM
comment #17
c fontana says ...
...maybe if they were gathered in an LA McMansion wearing turtlenecks and crested blazers, sipping cocktails and wine, watching movies like Jeff and his Hollywood cronies used to...bah, why bother. Wells is always trying to find the meaning of life from movies, and when a guy comes along who appreciates, what in the end, are the finer things in life--good times with friends and family--he dimisses him without blinking. I need a break from this snobbery...what's the url for Poland's site??...
Posted by c fontana at July 23, 2006 9:12 PM
comment #18
Steven R. Silver says ...
David R. Ellis has a twenty year history of second unit work on some very good action pictures (and pictures with good action sequences). Based on his two movies to date, FD2 and Cellular, he struck me as a competent action director. And, frankly, there's nothing wrong with that. Richard Fleischer, who died earlier this year, spent forty years cranking out competent films without a single Oscar nomination. But his movies remain fun to watch and rarely embarrass themselves. Cellular is the type of movie that you can pop into the DVD player now or ten years from now and still find yourself enjoying.
Competent workmen like Ellis and Fleischer before him are far subject to the vagaries of the scripts they have to work with than the more artistic ones. They usually aren't great writers themselves and the studios don't come to them with A-list scripts. So, Fleischer wound up with Amityville 3D and Che on his resume. And, Ellis could well wind up with some clunkers too. But, if I had to bet, I'd guess that any Ellis movie would at least have some well staged set pieces and action scenes.
Frankly, competence in staging action sequences is something that is becoming a lost art in Hollywood and lots of audiences and directors don't seem to mind. Action sequences seem to consist of lots of loud music and rapid fire editing, interspersed with occasional closeups of actors holding ridiculously "cool" poses. It's virtually impossible to tell what is going on until the end, when, usually, the hero will be standing alone amidst a heap of bodies. I'd settle for the Ellis/Fleischer school of film making any day.
From the get go, Snakes on a Plane sounded like the type of B-project that usually winds up going direct to video starring Wesley Snipes or Steven Seagal. The screenwriters were novices, with the only saving graces being the presence of Jackson (who rarely sells out no matter what the project) and Ellis. Far fetched (so was Cellular) but handled in a straightforward manner. I doubt anyone involved in the project thought about the camp/cult possibilities which the Internet seized upon.
Faced with the onslaught of Internet hype, New Line probably did the only thing it could: some minor rewrites and reshooting to amp up the gore and nudity (and, quite possibly and unfortunately, the CG snake quotient)and add some campy dialogue. What they couldn't do was reshoot the entire project to make a movie along the lines of what some fans might have liked. Unless you start a project with the goal of making that type of movie (which Tremors did) you can't change horses in midstream.
If I have a mindlessly entertaining decent two hours watching Snakes, then I will consider it time well spent, and, frankly time better spent than most of what I endured for the first two-thirds of Pirates of the Caribbean.
Posted by Steven R. Silver at July 24, 2006 1:53 AM
comment #19
Brendan H. says ...
Preach on folks! Final Destination 2, Deep Blue Sea and Eight Legged Freaks all rank among my favorite B-movie thrill rides of the last 10 years, so if SoaP is on that same level, count me in.
Posted by Brendan H. at July 24, 2006 9:18 AM
comment #20
Michael Adams says ...
Steven R. Silver says the screenwriters are novices. That may be true of John Heffernan, but Sebastian Gutierrez wrote the surprisingly OK The Big Bounce and earlier wrote and directed Judas Kiss, a guilty pleasure starring his longtime honey, the extremely delectable Carla Gugino. The scene between her and the great Philip Baker Hall, with him squirming with barely contained lust, is a minor classic.
Posted by Michael Adams at July 24, 2006 10:25 AM
comment #21
James Pataky says ...
Ellis has made some very fun films with FD2 and Cellular and I expect nothing more or less with SOAP.
I never expected it to be anything more than a B-movie with a budget and from the looks of things, that's what it is. I didn't expect campy nor do I want campy as that can be very difficult to pull off and when done inccorrectly, is painful to watch.
I do expect some humor in the film as both FD2 and Cellular had some sharp little humorous bits in them (love the scene in Cellular where the villains are watching FD2 along with the scene where Chris Evans shoots the smiley face at the cell-phone store, a reference to Wal Mart).
Wells' "holier than thou" attitude is a little sickening. What film has he directed or wrote lately? Oh, that's right. None.
I hope SOAP is a decent-sized hit and spawns a sequel or two, if only to spite Wells and his ilk. I guarantee the film will be 100 times more fun than Pirates was. That was one joyless cinematic experience and almost 3 hours of my life I'll never get back.
Posted by James Pataky at July 30, 2006 11:50 PM