Laughed Some, Seen Worse
Laughed Some, Seen Worse
The consensus is already getting around: Snakes on a Plane is sorta kinda tolerably entertaining. As in sometimes hilarious, amusingly cheesy here and there, never out-of-this-world brilliant, fitfully amusing...a guiltless B movie all the way.
Rachel Blanchard in David Ellis's Snakes on a Plane (New Line, 8.18)
Make that a B-minus. Watching cheeseball thrillers can make you feel like you've got a virus of some kind, and this one definitely put something in my blood. But it has maybe seven or eight good laughs (okay, nine or ten), and a good ending with Keenan Thompson (the cool fat-ass in the orange shirt) delivering some funny lines. And I loved it when Gerard Plunkett, playing a snarly-ass middle-aged businessman...I'd rather not spoil. But Plunkett does two things that are quite funny.
It's significant that Snakes didn't irritate me all that much. It's also significant, however, that watching it felt so uneventful that I couldn't make myself write a review last night after I got home around midnight. It's hard to get it up when all you have to say is "I wasn't in pain."
I was shaking my head at times at the some of the over-acting and tepid dialogue. The first 15 or 20 minutes (i.e., set-up sections shot on one of the Hawaiian islands) is on the level of, say, a Charlie's Angels episode from the early '80s, and that's pretty damn awful. Byron Lawson's performance as Eddie Kim, the criminal who arranges for a big crate of poisonous snakes to be unleased on a Honolulu-to LAX jet, is the worst element by far.
The damn thing is overlit for the first 25 to 30 minutes, in the manner of big-studio movies of the mid to late '60s. Director David Ellis knows, I'm sure, that when planes take off the really bright lights in the cabin (i.e, the ones that are turned on when a plane lands) are never used, and also that most of us know that. But he flood-lights the hell out of these scenes anyway, and this just takes you right out of it.
Samuel L. Jackson, Flex Alexander
I just wish Ellis had gone more nutso. I wish that someone had gotten sucked out of the window as the plane is approaching the coast of Los Angeles and that the camera had stayed with this person as he/she splashes into the Pacific...and lives. I was hoping one of the really big snakes would eat the baby. I wanted to see one of the big snakes act like a phallus and sexually invade one of the terrified females. (Elsa Pataky, I was hoping.) Well, why not? This movie isn't about logic or sensitivity -- it's about pushing the bounds and making the fans howl. As long as we're talking about snakes-as-penises, why not have one of the fat black guys get anally penetrated by a python?
Most of the snakes are CGI-ed or substandard animatronic. I didn't believe anyone was being threatened, not for a second. It's about cartoon snakes on a plane. And stupid sound effects with the snakes hissing and growling and whatnot. A lot of this film is really quite lame.
Elsa Pataky
I would have had a better time if Ellis and New Line has done a shot-for-shot remake of Tobe Hooper and Piers Haggard's Venom. Seriously -- that's a pretty good deadly-snake exploitation flick. It's just about a single black mamba and when one of those babies bite you, forget it.
There is one totally brilliant moment when Flex Alexander is chatting up Rachel Blanchard and he's interrupted by the sound of a guy sitting nearby blowing snot out of his nose. Flex and Rachel look at this guy and we see him wiping his pants with his snot in order to get it off his hands. I usually despise gross-out humor but the absolute lunacy of this bit is inspired. Why show a passenger doing a point- lessly gross thing? The fact that Ellis does it anyway is a stroke of mad genius. He should be proud of this bit...seriously.
Samuel L. Jackson is pretty good, not great -- but the moment when he yells out the big line ("I've had it with these mothahfuckin' snakes," etc.) is very neat. Todd Louiso is a very subtle and gifted actor who's under-utilized here. (Naturally.) David Koechner and Bobby Canavale...forget it. They're fine but in a film like this all performances are a losing battle.
Keenan Thompson
I hope Elsa Pataky lands more roles in U.S. films. She's hot and fetching and I liked her in that Maxim spread. Her eyes say dirty things.
The flatness of much of this film is conveyed in the opening titles. First of all, it's a mark of mediocrity when a film begins with a helicopter shot of a big scenic locale. It's the director saying to the audience, "All right, relax...I have no imagination and you're not the brightest bulbs on the planet for paying $10 bucks to see this thing, but that aside, here's the scenic area where our story begins."
Sure enough, Snakes starts with a lame helicopter shot. Sun, surf...breaking waves! Then we see a title card that says "SNAKES" (beat, beat) and then comes the addition of "ON A PLANE" -- and as soon I saw this, I knew what I was in for. This, sadly, is the predominant Ellis touch rather than some guy wiping snot on his jeans.
Posted by Jeffrey Wells on August 18, 2006 at 10:20 AM
comment #1
MASON
says ...
"As long as we're talking about snakes-as-penises, why not have one of fat black guys get anally penetrated by a python?"
That's an inspired idea what would no doubt get David Poland in line for the flick again and again.
Posted by MASON
at August 18, 2006 10:27 AM
comment #2
NYCBusybody
says ...
"All right, relax...I have no imagination and you're not the brightest bulbs on the planet for paying $10 bucks to see this thing, but that aside, here's the scenic area where our story begins."
I can't begin to describe how perfectly this sums up the feeling I've had at so many mainstream thriller/horror films, for as long as I can remember. Imagination, or lack thereof in this case, is exactly the word to hit on, and is EXACTLY what I was looking for in a movie called "Snakes on a Plane". If Jeffrey's dead-on, as I imagine he is if his note-perfect quote is any indication, I'm disappointed.
Posted by NYCBusybody
at August 18, 2006 10:36 AM
comment #3
D.Z.
says ...
"The first 15 or 20 minutes (i.e., set-up sections shot on one of the Hawaiian islands) is on the level of, say, a Charlie's Angels episode from the early '80s, and that's pretty damn awful. Byron Lawson's performance as Eddie Kim, the criminal who arranges for a big crate of poisonous snakes to be unleased on a Honolulu-to LAX jet, is the worst element by far."
That's sort of the point. You have to see a lot of 80's action films like American Ninja to "get" it.
Posted by D.Z.
at August 18, 2006 10:42 AM
comment #4
sardine
says ...
it is not even a good bad movie. it is poop on a plane.
Posted by sardine
at August 18, 2006 10:44 AM
comment #5
Truman
says ...
73% Fresh on RottenTomatoes write now with a great review from Ty Burr, from the AP, The New York Times liked it, postive reviews are far outweighing negative ones at this point.....
Posted by Truman
at August 18, 2006 10:50 AM
comment #6
Griff
says ...
"It didn't make me want to plunge hot needles in my eyeballs." High praise indeed.
Posted by Griff
at August 18, 2006 11:29 AM
comment #7
T. S. Idiot
says ...
There has never been a good film that opens with a helicopter shot of the locale. When we see this, we might as well give up all hope. Meanwhile, may we refer to you henceforth as Jeffrey (Eat the Baby) Wells?
Posted by T. S. Idiot
at August 18, 2006 11:40 AM
comment #8
tholl-yung
says ...
Jeff gets invited to the Premiere as shits all over the movie, I'm not seeing it because they dissed critics.
Posted by tholl-yung
at August 18, 2006 11:53 AM
comment #9
Weinberg
says ...
Wow, did you just reference "Venom" from 1982? I'm sincerely impressed.
Posted by Weinberg
at August 18, 2006 11:59 AM
comment #10
tholl-yung
says ...
http://www.mcnblogs.com/thehotblog/archives/2006/08/20_weeks_of_sum_1.html
The imagine you're stranded with cheese approach.
Posted by tholl-yung
at August 18, 2006 12:22 PM
comment #11
sassy
says ...
Jeff, SoaP may have been the rock 'em sock scare fest you wanted if the original director stayed on the film. According to Sam Jackson, the original director from Japan laid out his balls out vision of the film but the suits weren't having it and when they told him he would have to tone it down, he split
Posted by sassy
at August 18, 2006 12:23 PM
comment #12
George Prager
says ...
too bad wes anderson didn't direct it, then we could've had some really cool nick drake and zombies songs on the soundtrack. or maybe kevin smith, then there would've been more oral sex jokes, or maybe paul thomas anderson, then you would've had a really cool 20 minute tracking shot of one of the snakes to the tune of "she's a bad mama jama"
i'm going to see it because it reminds me of the movies i used to rent from the 7/11 back in the 80s.
(when movies were still movies and not resumes)
Posted by George Prager
at August 18, 2006 12:43 PM
comment #13
George Prager
says ...
c'mon Carl Weathers, how about an Action Jackson II?
Posted by George Prager
at August 18, 2006 12:48 PM
comment #14
L.B.
says ...
Griff,
What about THE SHINING? Exception that proves the rule?
Posted by L.B.
at August 18, 2006 2:50 PM
comment #15
L.B.
says ...
Sorry, Griff. That was directed to T.S. Idiot. The post page confused me.
Posted by L.B.
at August 18, 2006 2:51 PM
comment #16
D.Z.
says ...
sassy: The original director(Ronny Yu) is from Hong Kong.
Posted by D.Z.
at August 18, 2006 3:43 PM
comment #17
corey3rd
says ...
I just got back from the local Starlite Drive In and the folks in the lot loved the film. I guess for all those folks in the air conditioned LA area can sniff their noses over films that entertain instead of explore the deep dark loneliness of man's existance. But screw 'em all. I just wanted to see some snakes on a plane and how the hell they get the snakes off the plane. It paid off. People were into the film and there was honking of horns when Sam gave his line.
Sam Arkoff would be proud of Snakes on a Plane.
But for those pondering why the unwashed masses didn't care for Miami Vice - it's easy, the film was sold to them with the whole "this isn't like the TV show" blah blah blah. Sankes on a Plane was sold to us with the simple concept - snakes on a plane. No BS that this is really a story about Sam Jackson's complex relationship with ......
Posted by corey3rd
at August 18, 2006 8:53 PM
comment #18
Josh Martin
says ...
Definitely a crowd flick. The audience went nuts so many times I lost count (this is probably the first and last film where the introduction of Kenan Thompson draws wild cheering). I have a built-in bias towards this movie because everything about it reminded me of the late '80s/early '90s action flicks I love so much (surfing! Kickboxers! Gratuitous sex!) but I think it worked well enough on its own. I doubt it has quite the lasting power necessary to be another Rocky Horror cult thing, but I can see it having a long life in the aftermarket regardless (how often does Fox Movie Channel STILL show Point Break?).
Posted by Josh Martin
at August 18, 2006 9:55 PM
comment #19
CinemaPsycho
says ...
They do the snot gag because it freaks out the rapper, who's referred to as "the Howard Hughes of rap". He apparently has some Monk-like issues with germs and bodily fluids. It's just one of the things that leads to him completely losing it and revealing his cowardice later on. But it's not out of nowhere. I was actually hoping that character would get bit, just to see his reaction to having snake venom inside his body. A missed opportunity...
Posted by CinemaPsycho
at August 18, 2006 11:23 PM