Doing time

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Doing time for 45 days is going to be the best thing that ever happened to Paris Hilton. I did a little time in L.A. County in the late '70s for some unpaid parking tickets, and it sure as hell clears the clutter out of your head and leaves you with something that feels a lot like focus and fortitude. And if there's anyone on the face of the planet who could use some of this more than Paris Hilton, I'd like to know who that is.

Jail is awful but if you can grim up and face it down, you come out feeling as if you're a better and a somewhat stronger person. I only did three or four days so I don't know about hard time. But I know enough about the sound of clanging steel doors to recognize the truth of a line that Dustin Hoffman said in Ulu Grosbard's Straight Time: "Outside it's what you have in your pockets -- inside it's who you are."

45 days in the pokey won't be a walk in the park for a ditzoid like Paris Hilton, but if she's smart she'll read up about how Robert Mitchum handled his jail sentence in the late '40s for marijuana possession. He did it quietly and didn't squawk. He swept the floors, stayed out of trouble, took his medicine and had won everyone's respect by the time he got out. I don't think for a second that our very own empty- headed, barren-souled heiress has the character to "do a Mitchum," but the most potentially profound spiritual experience of her so-far-useless life awaits nonetheless.

And there's nothing like getting out of jail to make you feel like Jesus' son. (Or Mary Magdelene's daughter.) It reminds you what a wonderful and blessed place the world outside is, and what a sublime thing trip it can be to walk around free and do whatever you want within the usual boundaries, and what a serene thing it is to be smiled at by strangers in stores and restaurants. People you wouldn't give a second thought to suddenly seem like good samaritans because of some act of casual kindness.

Jail doesn't just teach you about yourself but about your immediate circle. "If you want to know who your friends are," Charles Bukowski once wrote, "get yourself a jail sentence." Or go to a hospital. As foul and bullying as he often is, David Poland nonetheless called and left a get-well message when I had that systemic poisoning episode a few months ago. I'm just saying.

And so it begins<< previous | next >>Cinevegas

Posted by Jeffrey Wells on May 10, 2007 at 10:39 AM

comment #1

christian says ...

you're a jackass, jeff.

nobody should "do time" with rapists and molesters because of unpaid parking tickets.

it's another weird sickness of this country that we think people who go to jail for trivial violations should therefore get the opportunity to be raped or killed, which has happened.

if you would have been forced onto your knees to service another prisoner, this posting would read different i assume.

Posted by christian at May 10, 2007 11:55 AM

comment #2

Movie fan09 says ...

another tale of the real Jeffrey Wells.
geez man.
you really should write a book.

Posted by Movie fan09 at May 10, 2007 12:00 PM

comment #3

gruver1 says ...

Wells to Christian: I obviously didn't talk about doing hard time or being in a big house with serious offenders. I said that jail firms you up and forces you to focus on character (yours, your friends, the inmates you run up against) and that there's something in this that clears the clutter out of your head. I think I said it pretty well, and for this you call me a jackass. Nice.

Posted by gruver1 at May 10, 2007 12:02 PM

comment #4

thatmovieguy says ...

Sadly, I doubt the jail time will do anything to change Paris Hilton. Fifty-some years ago when Robert Mitchum was locked up, that sort of behavior was considered detrimental (if not lethal) to your career; there was a strong sense of shame attached to being a drug user, an alcoholic, a slut, etc. Now, everything is merely an opportunity for more space in the gossip columns and on the People page. Knowing the way Hilton's henchmen operate, I have no doubt that we'll get almost daily updates on what Paris is up to while she's "behind bars" (a.k.a. relaxing in a country-club prison). It's just one more publicity stunt for her, not any sort of life-changing turnaround. Don't fool yourself.

Posted by thatmovieguy at May 10, 2007 12:03 PM

comment #5

christian says ...

i meant "jackass" in an affectionate way, jeff.
you know like "tough love." like "doing your time like a man." like "this hurts me more than you."

and i think it's outrageous that unpaid parking tickets should lead you to a jail cell with rapists and murderers. i've known people who went to jail for less and were abused with no legal recourse.

male prison rape is a sickening reality (and an endless punchline for crappy comedy) that is literally unchecked in this country, and if you read the tales, you'll feel grateful your ticket wasn't in texas or elsewhere besides hollywood.

Posted by christian at May 10, 2007 12:10 PM

comment #6

Joe Leydon says ...

So Jeff: While you were in the Big House, did you get any tatoos? Were you recruited by Aryan Nation?

Posted by Joe Leydon at May 10, 2007 12:26 PM

comment #7

Craig Kennedy says ...

The energy it takes for me to type these three sentences is all I have to spare for Ms. Hilton. Somehow I doubt any of the scared straight lessons Jeff imagines for her will actually sink in. Either way, I have no doubt large amounts of time will continue to be spent parsing her every action until she's finally disposed of and the media moves on to someone else.

Posted by Craig Kennedy at May 10, 2007 12:32 PM

comment #8

storymark says ...

I'm totally with Jeff on this one.

not that I think she'll come out of this a better person, but who knows?

At least with her in jail we might get a breif respite from her constant press exposure.

Posted by storymark at May 10, 2007 12:33 PM

comment #9

Pelham123 says ...

Unpaid tickets? I thought she was sentenced for driving on a suspended license (twice) for a DUI. That doesn't seem out of line.

Posted by Pelham123 at May 10, 2007 12:36 PM

comment #10

jeffmcm says ...

I strongly doubt Paris will be in the same cell as any rapists.

Fifty years ago being discovered to have appeared in home-made porno would have ruined a person's reputation and changed their life as well, so I don't think we should expect a different Paris from this experience either.

Posted by jeffmcm at May 10, 2007 12:40 PM

comment #11

Midwest Doug says ...

Bad things can happen at prison, and it will vary a lot by the prison. But there's usually a big difference between the county lockup and a penitentiary.

Posted by Midwest Doug at May 10, 2007 12:41 PM

comment #12

Geoff says ...

She really will have time to reflect on her inner self if I may sound so cheesy. There's nothing but the mind when you're in prison. I say that's good for her one way or another.

Books. Reading. That's all I would ever want to do in her situation. What's the deal on that, can she even bring in reading materials to keep her busy?

Posted by Geoff at May 10, 2007 1:13 PM

comment #13

christian says ...

if by reading, you mean a blackberry, probably not...

Posted by christian at May 10, 2007 1:21 PM

comment #14

berg says ...

May I humbly suggest PH read Genet's Our Lady of the Flowers and see Spike Lee's The 25th Hour ....

Posted by berg at May 10, 2007 1:29 PM

comment #15

The Hoyk says ...

I do wonder if during lockup Paris will have a break like Jake La Motta and start punching the walls screaming, "I'm not an animal, I'm not an animal..."

Posted by The Hoyk at May 10, 2007 2:15 PM

comment #16

JD says ...

Last time I checked, David Benioff wrote The 25th Hour (both the novel and the movie), not Spike Lee. Either way, it might make for bleak prison reading.

I remember watching a few episodes of The Simple Life when it was on (out of pure guilty pleasure disdain) and the main thrust was Hilton being placed in a prison-like environment (ie. working on a farm) and not dealing with it well at all. If Nicole Richie could get convincted on one of her charges really fast, maybe they could shoot the next season behind bars.

Posted by JD at May 10, 2007 2:19 PM

comment #17

alynch says ...

FUCK PARIS HILTON

Posted by alynch at May 10, 2007 2:21 PM

comment #18

erniesouchak says ...

The only thing that might -- MIGHT -- change that cross-eyed twat is if journalists, paparrazi, bloggers and the rest of us band together and ignore her for the rest of her life.

Posted by erniesouchak at May 10, 2007 2:32 PM

comment #19

TL says ...

I strongly doubt Paris will be in the same cell as any rapists.

Considering she'll be in the women's facility, by definition she won't be.

Posted by TL at May 10, 2007 2:45 PM

comment #20

Jay T. says ...

While my reaction is to agree that "nobody should 'do time' with rapists and molesters because of unpaid parking tickets" ... with repeat offenders who clearly just don't get it, maybe this is what it takes to get them to knock this shit off. Besides, Paris will serve 2 weeks tops, probably less.

Posted by Jay T. at May 10, 2007 2:46 PM

comment #21

DTD says ...

"Last time I checked, David Benioff wrote The 25th Hour (both the novel and the movie), not Spike Lee."

That's probably why he said READ the Genet and SEE the Lee.

Posted by DTD at May 10, 2007 2:49 PM

comment #22

jeffmcm says ...

TL, there are female rapists. Not very many, but more than zero.

Posted by jeffmcm at May 10, 2007 3:01 PM

comment #23

christian says ...

female prisoner rape is common, from inmates and guards.

Posted by christian at May 10, 2007 3:09 PM

comment #24

Joshua Mooney says ...

If you "clear the clutter" out of Paris Hilton's head, it's gonna look like a butternut squash.

Posted by Joshua Mooney at May 10, 2007 3:13 PM

comment #25

Monument says ...

Thanks Christian. It's good to know there are people out there like you keeping tabs on prison rape. Keep up the hard work.

Posted by Monument at May 10, 2007 3:31 PM

comment #26

christian says ...

it disturbs me greatly as all those who joke about it certainly would not find it funny to be sent to prison for something they didn't do or for a goddam parking ticket and were sodomized endlessly and given AIDS (which has happened). americans treat it as a joke or worse, something you deserve if you're sent to jail.

another failure of our "justice" system.

Posted by christian at May 10, 2007 4:02 PM

comment #27

Devin Faraci says ...

Christian's prison rape obsession is making my afternoon.

Posted by Devin Faraci at May 10, 2007 4:04 PM

comment #28

christian says ...

then you're a sick puppy.

and if you knew people that were brutalized there, you'd find something better to make your afternoon.

hopefully, you never get tossed into jail.
but at least you'd know i give a shit while you're getting passed around like a rag doll.

Posted by christian at May 10, 2007 4:12 PM

comment #29

Devin Faraci says ...

Schillinger really fucked you up.

Posted by Devin Faraci at May 10, 2007 4:33 PM

comment #30

Josh Massey says ...

"i've known people who went to jail for less and were abused with no legal recourse."

OK, I'm calling you on this. You know someone who was sent to jail and abused for less than unpaid parking tickets? So, jaywalking? Tearing tags off mattresses?

Posted by Josh Massey at May 10, 2007 4:54 PM

comment #31

jeffmcm says ...

The obvious answer is, just hanging out in Afghanistan or Iraq and then being tortured to death.

But only a knob would bring Iraq into this discussion.

Posted by jeffmcm at May 10, 2007 5:10 PM

comment #32

christian says ...

yes, josh. my friend was taken to jail for PAYING the parking tickets but according to the arresting officer, the computer didn't show they had been paid. so my friend spent the night in jail getting his ass kicked.

but don't worry, this will NEVER happen to any of you.

Posted by christian at May 10, 2007 6:04 PM

comment #33

Geoff says ...

Christian, why don't you take off that itty-bitty shirt and them panties too.

Weeeeee!
Weeeeeeeeee!!!!

Posted by Geoff at May 10, 2007 6:37 PM

comment #34

JD says ...

"That's probably why he said READ the Genet and SEE the Lee."

I'm not denying that Spike Lee directed The 25th Hour, but calling it Spike Lee's The 25th Hour is a bit of a stretch. But, then, I'm one of those guys who thinks writers and directors are equal authors of most films. Most real auteurs are writer-directors and when Spike is writing his own films, he certainly qualifies.

Posted by JD at May 10, 2007 6:41 PM

comment #35

Josh Massey says ...

Well Christian, I had a friend stoned to death by the local cops for failing to properly signal a left turn. Those fucking pigs.

(See, I can make stuff up too!)

Posted by Josh Massey at May 10, 2007 6:44 PM

comment #36

Nick A. says ...

Many of you are being obnoxious and cavalier. Read some of the stories collected on this site: http://www.spr.org

Less than hilarious.

Posted by Nick A. at May 10, 2007 7:17 PM

comment #37

Hallick says ...

"Many of you are being obnoxious and cavalier."

Gee, who does THAT describe?

I'm sorry, I guess I get all obnoxious and cavalier when somebody goes drunk driving, gets lucky by getting handed a 36 month probation (and also not having killed anybody in the first place, which might have elicited one of Jeffrey's tough love obituaries, god forbid), finds herself caught driving without a license TWICE, fails to enroll in a court mandated alcohol education program and then shows up late for court on the day of her getting sentenced to 45 days in jail, which will probably last all of a week when all is said and done.

There's a difference between county jail and state prison, and there's another difference between the ones for men and the ones for women, but all of these "Oz" scenarios are nearly moot (although she is very Tobias Beecher-like, except when she was driving drunk, there wasn't a little girl riding her bicycle down that street that day) since Hilton will be doing her time - which might be measured in hours more than days - IN PROTECTIVE CUSTODY.

She doesn't want to risk mixing with the general population; the jail certainly doesn't want the trouble of her getting attacked by other inmates; and I doubt she could manage to bribe everybody before the first punch lands in her face. I imagine she'll be doing 1 to 45 days in solitary confinement, which from the stories I've read, is a lot more condusive to mental illness than epiphanies like Jeffrey illustrated.

Posted by Hallick at May 10, 2007 10:55 PM

comment #38

Hallick says ...

"nobody should "do time" with rapists and molesters because of unpaid parking tickets."

That's right - FREE DAVID BERKOWITZ!

Posted by Hallick at May 10, 2007 11:04 PM

comment #39

Nick A. says ...

Hallick, what the hell are you talking about? Neither of your posts make sense. I have no problem with Hilton doing time. She should. I have a problem with people who think nonviolent criminals getting tortured is amusing.

And your second post is too stupid to bother addressing.

Posted by Nick A. at May 11, 2007 6:52 AM

comment #40

MickTravis says ...

This thread is turning into a virtual "who's on first" of misunderstandings.

Posted by MickTravis at May 11, 2007 8:48 AM

comment #41

Hallick says ...

"Hallick, what the hell are you talking about? Neither of your posts make sense."

The first one makes plenty of sense and was a hell of a lot more on topic than the prison rape issue when it comes to Paris Hilton's destination.

The second one's just a flummoxed wisecrack based on a detail from the Son of Sam case that made as much sense as christian claiming this is all about nothing but parking tickets and acting like she's going straight to the men's block of San Quentin to get brutalized like Freddy's mom in the Nightmare on Elm Street movies.

Posted by Hallick at May 11, 2007 3:05 PM

comment #42