Snivelling cowards

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I first saw Armageddon at an Academy screening in June of 1998. It gave me a headache because of the machine-gun-like cutting, which I was later told was a result of a deliberate Michael Bay strategy of cutting out as many frames as possible in each scene order to make the film play as fast, hard and compressed as possible. This information came from Armageddon screenwriter Jonathan Hensleigh, who claimed that the film was "frame-fucked" as a result.

In any event, when I saw Armageddon producer Jerry Bruckheimer in the lobby after the screening I did the usual chickenshit industry thing -- I half-lied. I told Jerry that the film "rocked" or felt like "rocket fuel." (Which wasn't a total lie -- it did feel like that, sort of.) As soon as I said this, however, Bruckheimer cocked his head and gave me a "look." He knew I was snowing him, and I knew that he knew. I felt like a snivelling coward, possibly due to the fact that I was being precisely that.

I shared this moment with a director friend earlier today, and he told me one of his own. A very big (one could use the word "legendary") producer-director told him that an actress in a scene he was directing was "fucking smiling" too often, "just like fucking Tom Cruise...always smiling, always with the teeth. Tell her to cut it out." The director later spoke to the actress, who had seen him speaking with the big-name producer. "Did he say anything about me?" she asked. The director replied, "He compared you to Tom Cruise."

comment #1

James says ...

Okay... Here's my roll of the dice:

Paul Thomas Anderson

Robert Altman

Virginia Madsen

While working on Prairie Home Companion.

comment #2

High Chaparral says ...

Curtis Hanson

Ridley Scott

Cameron Diaz

In Her Shoes

comment #3

jeffmcm says ...

Frame-fucked is right. Bay thinks his editing style is hip but it's annoying and it makes him look insecure and weak.

comment #4

EDouglas says ...

I'm surprised that a few computer logic boards didn't explode when "Armageddon" and "Academy" were mentioned in the same sentence.

comment #5

Craptastic says ...

My favorite thing about this site, and why I came back, is when Wells starts to look back. He looks back at his life in Hollywood and tells the tales how they actually were... not some sit and spin, shit bowl of Hollywood glamour tripe.

He's been an asshole from time to time... but he's got the guts (sometimes) to say he was wrong on something. Meaning, "I was a coward". And I respect that.

Its when you get on the fevered "I'm right and you're wrong! And you're a fucking moron becaue of it!", Bill O. boat that drives me f'ing nuts.

You egg us on sometimes, Wells. You KNOW what's going to piss the fuck out of some readers and then try to give some back-handed, verbal make-up sex in your 'gruever' mode for the previous, post-haste venom.

I like reading the little bits like this one tonight... just start thinking before you act, fellow Connecticut boy.

comment #6

Arran says ...

For some reason I was thinking the director was Cameron Crowe, only since I know Jeff is friendly with him, and the actress was Kirsten Dunst. And there is a indeed a big-name producer on that film.

Tom Cruise.

Back to the drawing board.

comment #7

BurmaShave says ...

EDouglas, logic boards have been disabled since the film got a Criterion Collection disc release.

comment #8

erniesouchak says ...

That's funny... I've always said "Armageddon" is the only movie I've seen that was so bad it made my head hurt. It actually did. I never imagined it was the intended effect.

comment #9

Dave says ...

I dunno. Methinks Armageddon is the apotheosis of Michael Bay films, simultaneously his greatest acheivement and his worst cinematic crime.

I honestly can't remember a movie so brazenly maniuplative, so artificially caluclated as that one. Every single scene feels fake, but *perfectly* fake, designed to elicit emotions at every turn.

And I guess I love the movie for it. I hate Bay, haven't enjoyed anything he's done since, Transformers was AWFUL. But there's something so perfect about Armageddon that I can't resist its siren call whenever it's on cable for the fiftieth time in a row. It's the perfect flypaper film, easily up there with other flypaper classics like Roadhouse.

It just never gets old. And I hate myself for having to watch it every time.

comment #10

Bocephus says ...

Armageddon made me cry...

tears of blood from how bad it was.

comment #11

christian says ...

so god help me i cried when willis died.

i was going through a break-up so my blood sugar was low.

comment #12

BurmaShave says ...

Don't be ashamed. The seeds of a fun movie are there, along with one of Willis' better performances.

comment #13

Mark says ...

Wes

James Brooks

Grace

Bottle Rockets

(or is Wes still not speaking w/ Jeff?)

comment #14

nemo says ...

I'm glad to finally hear that at least one very big (one could use the word "legendary") producer-director in the industry has the same allergic reaction I've always had to fucking Tom Cruise's always fucking smiling, always with the fucking teeth.

It comes from the same place someone mentioned in that Hillary Clinton thread -- Cruise laughing long and hard at any remotely challenging interview question before he smoothly dodges it. Cruise's constant unrelenting focus on what a loose and confident gung-ho guy he is always obliterates whatever character he plays.

Don't you ever get sick of hearing how everyone in the industry loves and respects Tom Cruise? It's the same as the Washington Beltway media crowd -- if you're an insider, then they're always ready to protect you against the outsiders, the great unwashed, the rest of us out here in flyover country.

comment #15

nemo says ...

Michael Bay is too easy a target. Let's hear more stories about movie industry insiders dissing Tom Cruise!

comment #16

christian says ...

an actor friend of mine that worked with him as an extra on MI:3 said he was genuinely cool and friendly to all, and gave her great career advice.

comment #17

nemo says ...

christian, you're spoiling my hate on Tom Cruise.

But honestly, I don't know or care whether he's the finest human being alive off-screen. It's his on-screen presence that rasps the file over my nerves. I'm glad to hear it also rasps the nerves of at least one very big (one could use the word "legendary") producer-director.

He's a very good actor. I even like some of his movies. But he's still 30-grit sandpaper on the nervous system.

comment #18

christian says ...

i think if cruise was so crazy, he would not be able to handle this situation with such class:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=29t_4k5MEUs&mode=related&search=

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