Boston cab altercation

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Throwing a bag of Mexican takeout food at a cab is not what anyone would call a mature or attractive thing to do, but that's what I did last night after a cab almost hit me as I was crossing Commonwealth Avenue. And I have to be honest and say it felt right for about three or four seconds. Then I felt like an idiot.

I turned to my left and saw a pair of killer headlights screeching towards me. Instead of leaping out of the way I went into a dead-freeze, deer-in-the-headlights mode. The cab stopped -- no exaggeration -- with less than six inches to spare.

Anyone who's ever escaped getting hit like this knows that the usual reaction is rage. I think I said something really cool and clever like "what the f--- are you doing, asshole?" Their cab driver screamed something back in the same vein. That tore it -- he almost kills me and then he yells at me? That's when I threw the Mexican takeout, which hit the passenger-door window.

The cabbie, offended by the assault, hit the brakes and jumped out, and I went into mock Sideways mode (Thomas Haden Church swinging the club on the golf course) and howled like an animal. The driver jumped back in and drove off. End of dignified altercation.

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Posted by Jeffrey Wells on December 18, 2007 at 1:29 PM

comment #1

p.Vice says ...

Kickin' ass and takin' names... you go, Macho Man.

It's funny... when I'm walking I hate drivers, and when I'm driving I hate pedestrians. I guess that means I hate everyone, myself included.

Posted by p.Vice at December 18, 2007 1:55 PM

comment #2

BurmaShave says ...

Why is it so important that the takeout was Mexican?!

Posted by BurmaShave at December 18, 2007 1:58 PM

comment #3

vansmith says ...

a crazy man is always more dangerous than an angry man, the cabbie was smart to get back in the car...

Posted by vansmith at December 18, 2007 1:58 PM

comment #4

bluefugue says ...

"It's funny... when I'm walking I hate drivers, and when I'm driving I hate pedestrians."

Same. Whichever one is an impediment to me, is the one I hate. Sad, really.

Posted by bluefugue at December 18, 2007 2:01 PM

comment #5

Movie fan09 says ...

and that good sir, is why people read your site.

Posted by Movie fan09 at December 18, 2007 2:01 PM

comment #6

BurmaShave says ...

p.Vice and bluefugue can both agree I'm sure that the scum of the earth are bicyclists who think they deserve to be an equal part of the road.

Posted by BurmaShave at December 18, 2007 2:04 PM

comment #7

Josh Massey says ...

"Why is it so important that the takeout was Mexican?!"

The sauce is better suited to splatter on car windows. Definitely more cinematic.

Posted by Josh Massey at December 18, 2007 2:04 PM

comment #8

christian says ...

Being an expert on Almost Getting Run Over By LA Asshats On Their Way To The Grove, I have an elegant solution: I spit on the car as it passes.

Posted by christian at December 18, 2007 2:05 PM

comment #9

the king says ...

No cliched Ratso Rizzo impression?

I'm reminded of that hilarious scene in "Election" where Matthew Broderick throws his drink at the limo.

Posted by the king at December 18, 2007 2:06 PM

comment #10

Geoff says ...

So is the guttural howling key? Did you flail around your arms and body like an exposed creature in Carpenter's THE THING?

I have to keep this in mind since it works. Love the SIDEWAYS analogy.

Posted by Geoff at December 18, 2007 2:13 PM

comment #11

Aris P says ...

Since we're spilling our primal road-rage fantasies here, I find that whipping a few pennies at cars does the trick. If they "block the box", the pennies go flying. If they're in my exit lane on the freeway, and try to merge into traffic last second - window comes down, pennies go flying. Of course, this being LA, one must consider the potential bodily harm that can occur (TO ME) from this act, so there are always a few elements and factors to consider before the monetary assault.

Feel free to use my system. It works wonders.

Posted by Aris P at December 18, 2007 2:13 PM

comment #12

mutinyco says ...

9-iron...

Posted by mutinyco at December 18, 2007 2:16 PM

comment #13

jeffmcm says ...

Aris, I hate to say it, but I think if someone started to throw pennies at my car I'd get out and start charging at them in a Wells-esque manner.

Posted by jeffmcm at December 18, 2007 2:21 PM

comment #14

Aris P says ...

Of course you (and anyone) would. Thus, one of the "factors" I mentioned, and a must at all times, is what's known as the "clean getaway".

Posted by Aris P at December 18, 2007 2:26 PM

comment #15

Howlingman says ...

Good on ya Jeff. I redecorated some ass-hat's Lexus with a chocolate milkshake about seven or so years ago when he nearly ran me down while crossing the street. He got out ready to go, I stalked towards him turning the air blue and he thought the better of it.

Posted by Howlingman at December 18, 2007 2:27 PM

comment #16

lazarus says ...

Burma, I don't know if you're joking or not, but I'm also sick of L.A. holier-than-thou bicyclists who think they're equal road partners. Stop being a masochistic, contrarian fool and move to a city where people give a shit, like San Francisco. And what's with the whole Midnight Riders crap where their whole pathetic army comes out on a Friday or Saturday night and hogs Sunset Blvd in some kind of futile "take back the roads" gesture. Guess what: they were never yours. Los Angeles has always been, and always will be an automobile-centered city, until it coughs up its own lung or breaks off into the Pacific Ocean.

Also, if you want equal rights as drivers, try stopping at a fucking stoplight and waiting with the rest of us instead of coasting through when you see an opening. It's hypocritical and makes drivers like me hope that one day we'll accidentally hit one of you and get off scot-free because you were riding like a self-righteous fand priviliged jackass.

Thanks for the story, Jeffrey. One of the best visuals I've had in a while.

Posted by lazarus at December 18, 2007 2:32 PM

comment #17

cinefan says ...

This story made me think instantly of the very funny scene in Election when Broderick throws a milkshake at the limousine Reese Witherspoon is driving in - great voiceover work where you feel the anger rising in him as he describes her. The driver stops and gets out and Broderick runs for his life.

Posted by cinefan at December 18, 2007 2:39 PM

comment #18

Mike Schaefer says ...

Lazarus: I live in SF too and our bicyclists are TEN TIMES more holier-than-thou than LA's or anybody else's. They are far more annoying than any ass-hat in a car I've ever had to deal with.

Posted by Mike Schaefer at December 18, 2007 2:50 PM

comment #19

Craig Kennedy says ...

I'm disappointed that your second reaction was shame, but mightily pleased your third reaction was to tell us about it anyway.

Had you run when the dude got out of the car, that wouldn't have been as good, but you stood your ground as the cosmically correct in this situation. Good for you.

I also hate anyone who happens to be between me and my destination, be they pedestrian, vehicle or bicycle, but autos take the cake because they have a habit of killing or maiming people.

Posted by Craig Kennedy at December 18, 2007 2:50 PM

comment #20

Craptastic says ...

Any character from Michael Mann's films would be proud of you, Wells.

When bringing up bat-blind cabbies, everyone is most likely to bring up NYC... but, from my experience, they are ten-times more horrific in Boston.

Narrow streets + more people walking than driving x inability to drive = road pelt in Boston.

Once I was walking down Mass Ave toward Beacon and had to cross an allyway. In a matter of seconds... with no headlights on at night and completely silent... a cab comes within a foot of hitting me. Like Wells, I went ape-shit and slammed my fist on the guy's hood, telling him to fuck pretty much ever member of his family.

Seemingly upset that I hit his car, the driver gets out, screaming in whatever language it was, bends over, pops back up and... I shit you not... throws a DEAD PIGEON at me!

I was so stunned by the absurdity and randomness of it, I started laughing. While busting a gut, I said a final "fuck you" and began walking home again.

God, I miss that city...

Posted by Craptastic at December 18, 2007 3:26 PM

comment #21

IndiSB says ...

My friend from school got into an altercation with someone on the 91 freeway and that guy threw coffee at his work truck and then he got out and beat the shit out of that driver almost killing him. He spent 7 years in the slammer for that. Watch out!

Posted by IndiSB at December 18, 2007 3:41 PM

comment #22

Wrecktum says ...

Mexican food in Boston? Must have been either Taco Bell or Chi Chi's. Gross, Wells. Show some dignity in your gastronomical selections.

Posted by Wrecktum at December 18, 2007 3:45 PM

comment #23

MAGGA says ...

You can tell right away from Hudson's food-throwing-on-the-yacht bit that director Andy Tennant hasn't lost his knack for over-emphasis.

Posted by MAGGA at December 18, 2007 4:00 PM

comment #24

rocco says ...

I live in the city and parking spots are precious...I recently egged a car after leaving several very polite notes asking one particular douche bag to not take up two spots (there are lines demarking spots)...it felt good for an hour, then I felt like an ass, a la Jeff...I guess being nearly killed by someone and having to search for parking are two different things, but then one might argue the double-parker is an even bigger asshole than the cabbie who's in a hurry but absent of malice.

...as for pennies, well, that's why man invented the sunroof...when someone flicks a cigarette out the window and bounces up and hits your grill, pennies out of the sunroof after getting in front of the perpetrator are usually good for a decent amount of satisfaction with little to no remorse...

...and I'm someone who generally mediates conflict rather than escalates it...I'm not the dick who feels so powerless in life he must own the road...but when someone blatantly says "fuck you," they deserve what they get...

Posted by rocco at December 18, 2007 5:43 PM

comment #25

JapAdapters says ...

I just hope it wasn't from Sol Azteca, because that's some tasty leftovers!

Posted by JapAdapters at December 18, 2007 5:53 PM

comment #26

Adonis says ...

Look:

Real Tough guys don't bat an eyelash at this shit. You think Chuck Norris every lost it with a cabbie?

Fucking cabbies brake to avoid Chuck Norris because they're afraid of damaging their car, not damaging Chuck Norris.

Posted by Adonis at December 18, 2007 7:01 PM

comment #27

lazarus says ...

Adonis: I'm sure if you ask nicely, MiraJeff will transplant your comment to the AICN talkback where it belongs.

Posted by lazarus at December 18, 2007 7:06 PM

comment #28

K. Bowen says ...

This almost makes up for not coming through on that second round of sports bar you promised on your New York trip.

Posted by K. Bowen at December 18, 2007 8:46 PM

comment #29

Adonis says ...

Lazarus,

You think the chatter around here is so incredibly sophisticated lately? What with Jeff telling of stories of assaulting cab drivers with Mexican food, or Jeff bringing up Mike Huckabee's quote on Chuck Norris [which is obviously why I referenced Chuck Norris]?

I assure you, when a review or film note contains an intricate, profound thought, I will answer in kind.

Until then, I'll reference any juvenile wit that I damn well please.

I'm sure your community college would be very proud of your earnest, sanctimonious stance on life.

Well done, sir!

Posted by Adonis at December 18, 2007 10:58 PM

comment #30