edited by Jonathan Doyle

Cloverfield [BLU-RAY] (Paramount Home Entertainment, 6.3.2008) Disguised under deliberately goofy, yet deliciously edible-sounding, aliases such as Cheese and Slusho, Matt Reeves' Cloverfield was produced and rushed into theaters under an equally appetizing shroud of secrecy. From last year's incredibly elusive Super Bowl ad to the film's viral marketing campaign, Cloverfield had everybody scratching their heads and drooling in anticipation. Aside from the as-yet untitled title and the Blair Witch-ian visual style, the film's biggest appeal was the enigmatic creature who was last (un)seen hurling the decapitated head of the Statue of Liberty onto the crowded streets of New York City. All we knew about the mysterious beast was that it was big and angry. Now that the highy-anticipated project has come and gone, one question has fortunately been answered: Cloverfield was a major success. (continued)

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Psychiatric circus

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Imagine the complex thoughts and emotions being experienced by those ten L.A. motorcycle cops as they roared down Coldwater Canyon last night (actually this morning), accompanying an ambulance carrying the permanently fried, baked and scattered Britney Spears, the ultimate meltdown/basket case of our times, along with two squad cars and a handful of SUVs on a trip to a medical facility at UCLA. (Her psychiatrist apparently felt her frazzled state of mind demanded a lockdown evaluation.)

You're vrooming along on your bike and saying to yourself, "This is my life...look at this! I get paid either way but this is embarassing. I'm an officer of the law by day but right now I'm a paid goon, like a buffed-up spear-carrying guard in a Cecil B. DeMille Biblical spectacle...I'm part of a deranged psychiatric circus. I'll be reading about myself in the supermarket tabs this weekend. I feel used, abused. The sickness...the madness!"

Paying the least bit of attention to this grotesque spectacle is like glancing at Medusa; one look and you're infected.

Big Kodak moment<< previous | next >>No Sense of Growing Accord

Posted by Jeffrey Wells on January 31, 2008 at 8:09 AM

comment #1

keyzersoze says ...

I'm starting to really miss the days when we got real, in-depth movie reviews and general analysis on this site instead of quick blurbs about politics and Britney Spears.

I know it's the name of the game these days Jeff, but do you have to stoop so low so often? Just give us a little more of what we love again along with all the junk and I'll be happy. Your reviews of In The Valley of Elah and There Will Be Blood reminded me of why I enjoy your writing so much. That's the stuff that lasts. Not this kind of cheap blogging that can be easily found on a million other sites.

Posted by keyzersoze at January 31, 2008 9:06 AM

comment #2

rocco says ...

Is writing about her any more self-actualizing than driving behind her?

"This is my life...look at this! I get paid to denigrate hispanics and women and to take down unworthy Hollywooders either way but this is embarrassing. I'm a film and art lover and respected blogger by day but right now I'm a paid gossip monger, like those makeup-caked whores on ET and Extra."

Please, Jeff, don't infect this great blog with trifling shit like this...there are thousands of people whose lives are even more hideously out of control...her former celebrity status shouldn't make her descension any more or less fascinating/tragic or any more worthy of these pages than any of them.

Posted by rocco at January 31, 2008 9:07 AM

comment #3

Zimmergirl says ...

I don't know; I thought his riff on it was funny.

Posted by Zimmergirl at January 31, 2008 9:12 AM

comment #4

gruver1 says ...

HE is a stream, a river...sometimes about the clouds and mountaintops, sometimes about low-hanging fruit. Take a walk, talk to a neighbor, renew your 24-Hour Fitness membership, get some perspective. Go out and buy the new Criterion DVD of Lindsay Anderson's "This Sporting Life," which I briefly wrote about last night.

Posted by gruver1 at January 31, 2008 9:14 AM

comment #5

dangovich says ...

Jeff has always offered comments on pop culture, politics and other matters outside the realm of film. If you don't like it, scroll down.

Posted by dangovich at January 31, 2008 9:25 AM

comment #6

MilkMan says ...

Yeah, Jeff, let's talk about something more important. Give the HE readers what they want. You say something cutting and sarcastic about Steven Spielberg and then we can all gather 'round the thread and talk about how he's like totally the greatest filmmaker of all time. I just watched War of the Worlds for the 9th time this week and it's the most important movie of the 21rst Century. I think Spielberg should be given an award at least once a month, and they can call it The Spielberg of the Month Award. I mean, living her in Los Angeles, it goes without saying that none of us would be alive if it weren't for the humanitarian and artistic efforts of Steven Spielberg. Am I right? Right! Yay!!! SPIELBERG, SPIELBERG,SPIELBERG,SPIELBERG...

Posted by MilkMan at January 31, 2008 9:28 AM

comment #7

Gordie Lachance says ...

There's a video store in the West Village that always puts out new dvds a week early. I picked up and put back down The Assasination Of Jesse James 3 times last night. Damn, I want to see it, but I just refuse to pay retail.

Posted by Gordie Lachance at January 31, 2008 9:29 AM

comment #8

BurmaShave says ...

Britney Spears? Seriously?

Posted by BurmaShave at January 31, 2008 9:36 AM

comment #9

deadre says ...

does anyone want to discuss Paul Haggis (scientologist) 'inking an overall' with United Artists. Now that's interesting. Think of the possibilities.

Posted by deadre at January 31, 2008 9:46 AM

comment #10

Rich S. says ...

"HE is a stream, a river...sometimes about the clouds and mountaintops, sometimes about low-hanging fruit. Take a walk, talk to a neighbor, renew your 24-Hour Fitness membership, get some perspective."

Did I just wander into Ecclesiastes?

Posted by Rich S. at January 31, 2008 9:59 AM

comment #11

rocco says ...

Us asking Jeff to use his talent and wit to write about movies, the industry, even politics and *worthy* pop-culture observations while ignoring trash is no different than expecting a great actor to pass on roles in movies like, say, Jaws III. BRITNEY FUCKING SPEARS? Come on.

HE is a distraction that has established a certain standard for its material...but yeah, I guess I overreacted, this was just one posting...unless they reach the frequency of Obama or Zodiac posts, I'll just skip past them...

Posted by rocco at January 31, 2008 10:00 AM

comment #12

Edward says ...

Perhaps the spiraling downfall that is Brittney Spears is a Microcom of the downfall of America. The once great nation in debt up to it's majestic mountain tops, it's standing in the world fodder for the supermarket rags....What a legacy George Bush has left for our next President to deal with.

Posted by Edward at January 31, 2008 10:08 AM

comment #13

BurmaShave says ...

What the fuck does Britney Spears have to do with George Bush?

Posted by BurmaShave at January 31, 2008 10:29 AM

comment #14

Edward says ...

Isn't it obvious?

Posted by Edward at January 31, 2008 10:46 AM

comment #15

mrbill says ...

Those units not responding to the call will be assigned escorts to the Kodak on Thursday.

It's all about choice.

Posted by mrbill at January 31, 2008 10:54 AM

comment #16

giantman says ...

It is so much fun watching Goodwin's Law happen right in front of your eyes, isn't it?

Posted by giantman at January 31, 2008 10:57 AM

comment #17

giantman says ...

Of course it is also fun having two blogs open at the same time and commenting on the wrong site! Sheesh, gotta come up with a name for that. Stupid works.

Posted by giantman at January 31, 2008 10:59 AM

comment #18

RoyBatty says ...

If HE is a stream, then at one time it was cold, clear brook one could dip a cup into for a refreshing sip. These days however it is usually muddy, with even an occasional algae-covered can floating by.

And even then, Wells gets the name on the can wrong: "...now I'm a paid goon..." If you ever watched the dangerous antics of the paparazzi, you'd wish more cops were used when their bigger targets move about. I once watched several dart into an intersection after the light changed just to keep up with a limo. It's only a matter of time before they kill someone.

I guess Wells has resigned himself to accepting the mantel of gossip blogger that he so vehemently protested when David Poland consigned this site to. Which is fine, but it's a shame that its getting harder and harder to find sites that want to talk seriously about cinema that isn't geared towards the "fan boy" market like AICN, etc.

Posted by RoyBatty at January 31, 2008 11:00 AM

comment #19

T. S. Idiot says ...

"What the fuck does Britney Spears have to do with George Bush?"

America, thy name is mediocrity.

Posted by T. S. Idiot at January 31, 2008 11:02 AM

comment #20

T. S. Idiot says ...

Hey, Wells, Sam Riley won an award:
http://tinyurl.com/22ldx5

Posted by T. S. Idiot at January 31, 2008 11:04 AM

comment #21

Monument says ...

"If HE is a stream, then at one time it was cold, clear brook one could dip a cup into for a refreshing sip. These days however it is usually muddy, with even an occasional algae-covered can floating by."

But we all keep drinking don't we.

Posted by Monument at January 31, 2008 11:27 AM

comment #22

berg says ...

Igby always liked being the bearer of bad news

Posted by berg at January 31, 2008 11:32 AM

comment #23

Howlingman says ...

"Imagine the complex thoughts and emotions being experienced by those ten L.A. motorcycle cops ..."

I find it easier to imagine them thinking, "How do I sell this experience to the top bidder?"

Posted by Howlingman at January 31, 2008 11:46 AM

comment #24

BurmaShave says ...

No Edward, it's not obvious. This Bush Derangement Syndrome has gone a little bit far. Two seperate and independantly sad situations.

Posted by BurmaShave at January 31, 2008 12:10 PM

comment #25

DarthCorleone says ...

I shut any talk of Britney off when I see it on the television and wish this would all just go away. Seriously, this is the absolute nadir of our media and our culture as far as I'm concerned. However, in order for my wish to come to fruition, I feel obligated to troll discussions like this one and monitor the talk of those who do not care. I guess we are outnumbered, but I want to fight the good fight and try to convince people to stop lowering the bar. At this rate Britney could end up dead inside the year.

Giantman>> I don't know - I thought you were being funny and perhaps slyly prescient. I could easily see a pointless discussion like this one devolving into talk of Hitler.

Posted by DarthCorleone at January 31, 2008 12:47 PM

comment #26

christian says ...

"Did I just wander into Ecclesiastes?"

nice.

And burma, when britney provides us with a fat quote about how "we should support the president" pre-iraq war, well, bush does have a connect. the deification of mediocrity and common-manness is writ large and stupid. and when did you pick up the right wing term BDS for expert use? ever use the term CDS to describe the other side much?

that said, spears has entered my realm of "i'm going to defend her because she's mentally ill and fuck the media vultures who build and destroy. fuck them."

Posted by christian at January 31, 2008 12:54 PM

comment #27

giantman says ...

Thanks Darth. Guess we'll just have to wait for the thread to end.

Posted by giantman at January 31, 2008 1:45 PM

comment #28

rocco says ...

media vultures who build and destroy

Yes, let's blame the media. They forced her to lust for fame, to whore herself for television, to let cameras into her home and intimate life...there's not a touch of irony to the fat that she now can't escape from their view. I'm not saying she's undeserving og pity or sympathy, but don't blame the media for her self-destruction.

You dance with the devil, the devil don't change...the devil changes you...

no, sorry, '8 MM' should never be quoted...

"The FIIILM is REAL!!" OK, I'll stop...

Posted by rocco at January 31, 2008 2:28 PM

comment #29

p.Vice says ...

This looks like Britney got a taste of Magnum Force.

Posted by p.Vice at January 31, 2008 2:43 PM

comment #30

cjKennedy says ...

"You say something cutting and sarcastic about Steven Spielberg..." You kid MilkMan, but a recent Spielberg bashing led to one of the best H-E threads in recent memory long after the crowds had moved on to more Britney/Barack/Box Office/Bullshit.

Posted by cjKennedy at January 31, 2008 3:19 PM

comment #31

PerfectTommy says ...

Speaking of SS, can't say I'm too thrilled with this:

http://www.empireonline.com/news/story.asp?NID=21881

in which Frank Marshall says this:

When asked where this movie sits tonally with the rest of the series, Marshall said: "I would say it's closest to the third one (Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade).

Not what I wanted to hear.

Posted by PerfectTommy at January 31, 2008 5:22 PM

comment #32

Rich S. says ...

"recent Spielberg bashing led to one of the best H-E threads in recent memory"

Amen to that. 253 posts, and we'd still be going if it hadn't been automatically dropped from the main page.

Posted by Rich S. at January 31, 2008 6:14 PM

comment #33

cjKennedy says ...

Speaking of that thread, Kurt Russell came up at one point and I believe no one mentioned Used Cars. I was just reminded of that movie a couple of days ago. Kurt Russell classic.

Posted by cjKennedy at January 31, 2008 8:39 PM

comment #34