edited by Jonathan Doyle

Cloverfield [BLU-RAY] (Paramount Home Entertainment, 6.3.2008) Disguised under deliberately goofy, yet deliciously edible-sounding, aliases such as Cheese and Slusho, Matt Reeves' Cloverfield was produced and rushed into theaters under an equally appetizing shroud of secrecy. From last year's incredibly elusive Super Bowl ad to the film's viral marketing campaign, Cloverfield had everybody scratching their heads and drooling in anticipation. Aside from the as-yet untitled title and the Blair Witch-ian visual style, the film's biggest appeal was the enigmatic creature who was last (un)seen hurling the decapitated head of the Statue of Liberty onto the crowded streets of New York City. All we knew about the mysterious beast was that it was big and angry. Now that the highy-anticipated project has come and gone, one question has fortunately been answered: Cloverfield was a major success. (continued)

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Drillbit Slumber

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Drillbit Taylor is, sorry to say, a stiff. This is surprising given that Judd Apatow produced and the great Seth Rogen co-wrote it. (The fact that Little Nicky's Stephen Brill directed means nothing either way.) I wasn't so much bummed by it as, like, deflated. It's tedious. And almost never funny. And dull. And I'm trying to be even-toned here.

It's the usually amusing and resourceful Owen Wilson, a guy I almost always enjoy to some degree, spinning his wheels with some really weak material about a pathetic loser acting like one and doing little else until the very end. It's a really good film to take breaks from. Hit the head, make phone calls, do squat thrusts in the lobby, flirt with the candy girl.

On top of Forgetting Sarah Marshall, another Apatow comedy that I've yet to review but which I felt kind of badly about, this is probably the beginning of a temporary downgrade in the brand. It'll be restored in August with Pineapple Express, and it may be turn out that Marshall will do okay commercially. But the notion of the Apatow seal being some kind of dependable assurance of a rollicking good time is, for now, out the window.

Drillbit Taylor is about three high-school nerds -- Nate Hartley (smart, bespectacled, rail-thin)), Troy Gentile (obese, smart) and David Dorfman (tiny, dorky, braces) -- who hire a full-of-shit homeless guy (Wilson) to protect them from a couple of psychotic bullies who humiliate and beat up on them all the time. My knee was vibrating like a jackhammmer ten minutes after it began.

The two thugs (Alex Frost, Josh Peck) are awful in every sense. They've been written without a hint of humanity or dimension. They're just assholes -- sadistic thugs who make life miserable for the nerd guys (and the audience) because...no clue, no nothin'. I felt like I was sitting though a Crown International youth comedy from the '80s. I just sat there thinking about my life and about stuff I had to do when I left the theatre. I realized that I'd lost my wallet on the way over. I thought a lot about which files I needed to put on my external hard drive.

Wilson's unshaven jerkoff has no redeeming characteristics at all, and there's no escape. He can't even fight. He puts the kids through a kind of boot-camp training and promises to bitch-slap the two sadists, but he shilly-shallies when push comes to shove. He's just interested in the kids' money and agrees to a plan to steal stuff from their parents' homes with two loser-asshole friends.

You know going in that Wilson will have grow a conscience and do the right thing in Act Three. And that the bully dickheads will eventually be slapped down and taught a lesson. And that you'll come of this movie feeling really, really bad.

Rarity<< previous | next >> Nice Vibes

Posted by Jeffrey Wells on March 19, 2008 at 5:51 PM

comment #1

actionman says ...

Not surprised at all to hear this, Jeff.

A friend of mine who works at the studio said it was a POS a few months ago.

It looks like stale left-overs. Big time.

Posted by actionman at March 19, 2008 7:16 PM

comment #2

abuseintake says ...

I was at the Ralphs on Sepulveda and picked up a tin of Judd Apatow’s “Mclovin’s private reserve” Skittles flavored wine coolers, I am not looking forward to the hangover, but the shits not that bad and it gets you seriously fucked-up!

Posted by abuseintake at March 19, 2008 8:13 PM

comment #3

abuseintake says ...

I was at the Ralphs on Sepulveda and picked up a 4-pack of Judd Apatowï¿½s ï¿½Mclovinï¿½s private reserveï¿½ Skittles flavored wine coolers, I am not looking forward to the hangover, but the shits not that bad and it gets you seriously fucked-up!

Posted by abuseintake at March 19, 2008 8:14 PM

comment #4

abuseintake says ...

I fucked that up.

Posted by abuseintake at March 19, 2008 8:15 PM

comment #5

Aris P says ...

OK. Who the hell is Seth Rogen, and since when did he become "great"? Seriously, come on already with the fawning over this average shlub. I dont consider anything he does on screen as "acting", let alone great. I can name 7837589457 great actors - he's not in there. He just acts like himself, like that other "actor" who's in the Apple commercials and was in Die Hard 4, among countless others. So this movie is a POS? wow shocker.

Posted by Aris P at March 19, 2008 8:19 PM

comment #6

McDonaldsMaven says ...

When did Wells' knee become such a measuring stick for whether a movie is any good? Can it predict the weather?

All the same, it's a shame that it stinks, even though I'm not surprised.

Posted by McDonaldsMaven at March 19, 2008 8:19 PM

comment #7

JD says ...

I don't know how Jeff decides who gets credit or blame for movies, but it seems totally arbitrary. By the way, you're forgetting another upcoming Apatow production -- one he actually co-wrote -- You Don't Mess With the Zohan, which comes out in June. Of all the Apatow productions on the way in 08, this is probably the closest to a passion project for Apatow (he's been talking about it in interviews for quite some time). Of course, Pineapple Express is clearly far more promising...

Posted by JD at March 19, 2008 8:29 PM

comment #8

Chris Willman says ...

"The two thugs (Alex Frost, Josh Peck) are awful in every sense. They've been written without a hint of humanity or dimension. They're just assholes -- sadistic thugs who make life miserable for the nerd guys (and the audience) because...no clue, no nothin'."

This sounds like it will make for an awesome revival-house double bill with "Funny Games."

Posted by Chris Willman at March 19, 2008 8:37 PM

comment #9

PoisonSkin says ...

they're cranking out to many movies at once.

Posted by PoisonSkin at March 19, 2008 9:02 PM

comment #10

LYT says ...

"Flirt with the candy girl"?

Which theaters in LA actually have attractive concessionaires who don't look like children?

Posted by LYT at March 19, 2008 9:03 PM

comment #11

scooterzz says ...

poison's got it right....the big topic of conversation at the 'sarah marshall' press day was that there's just been too much apatow related product in too short a time....i think it makes a difference.......

Posted by scooterzz at March 19, 2008 9:31 PM

comment #12

D.Z. says ...

At least there was one victory for art today. http://www.variety.com/article/VR1117982653.html?categoryid=13&cs=1

Posted by D.Z. at March 19, 2008 9:52 PM

comment #13

siamesecat says ...

So this film provides the backstory for the two thug soldiers in Brian De Palma's Redacted ?

Posted by siamesecat at March 19, 2008 10:16 PM

comment #14

Legowombat says ...

In your own writing, you regularly reduce anyone who doesn't live on the coasts and has no interest in the lastest Overhyped Critical Darling to the similarly one-dimensional 'Red State Mouthbreathing Redneck' stereotype. It seems a bit rich attacking a filmmaker for being equally lazy.

Posted by Legowombat at March 19, 2008 10:43 PM

comment #15

dangovich says ...

The kid on the left looks like he's filling the Jonah Hill role.

Posted by dangovich at March 19, 2008 11:04 PM

comment #16

Terry McCarty says ...

LYT asked:
Which theaters in LA actually have attractive concessionaires who don't look like children?

I'd say the Edwards 10 in Canyon Country. Was out there with a friend today to see DOOMSDAY and the concession girl at least looked high school senior to early college age.

Posted by Terry McCarty at March 19, 2008 11:23 PM

comment #17

Terry McCarty says ...

JD wrote:
By the way, you're forgetting another upcoming Apatow production -- one he actually co-wrote -- You Don't Mess With the Zohan, which comes out in June. Of all the Apatow productions on the way in 08, this is probably the closest to a passion project for Apatow (he's been talking about it in interviews for quite some time).

Saw the trailer and it looks like typical Adam Sandler/Tim Herlihy written fodder. But apparently Judd's doing another film with Adam--with Leslie Mann as Adam's romantic lead. Maybe Adam won't order Leslie to pour him a beer in that film.

Posted by Terry McCarty at March 19, 2008 11:27 PM

comment #18

DarthCorleone says ...

Hey, Jeff, what about 21? Didn't you see that yesterday too? Was it any count? (No pun intended.)

Posted by DarthCorleone at March 20, 2008 2:06 AM

comment #19

Jay says ...

I have to back up Aris about Seth Rogen. Not great. I barely made it through "Knocked Up" and he was 90% of the reason it was a difficult watch. Just a mildly funny dude. You calling him great is like when Entertainment Weekly put Kanye West on their cover with the word "GENIUS" by his face. Ouch.

Posted by Jay at March 20, 2008 7:21 AM

comment #20

tommysunshine says ...

Judd Apatow is no way as funny as people give him credit for. His humor is just not smart, he's obsessed with stale farting gags, he's nepotistic in his casting choices and his career is littered with credible allegations of creative kleptomania.
Ms Katherine Heigl, who is far too classy to indulge in a professional escapade with Apatow and co., had it about right when she said he's sexist.
The only sophisticated comedy he's ever had anything to do with is The TV Set and that was Jake Kasdan's child.
Nevermind comparing him to Billy Wilder or Woody Allen. Watch Risky Business or The Sure Thing or Swingers or even Taking Care Of Business with Jim Belushi or The Super with Joe Pesci for God's sake and you'll see what I mean.
The guy's a good businessman and he's prolific. But in terms of the perception of the measure of Judd Apatow vs the reality, I'm reminded of what happens to Connery and Caine when they get found out in The Man Who Would Be King.
He knows it too- hence why he's churning out so many third-rate gagfests as though he was a drunken sailor barhopping in Times Square on shore leave.

Posted by tommysunshine at March 20, 2008 11:11 AM

comment #21

MilkMan says ...

Owen Wilson is just as lazy as JK McConaughey. Guy hasn't been in anything but crap, with the excpetion of Wes's movies. Dude likes drugs and pussy and his choices reflect that. He's boring and so is Seth Rogen, whose writing really does make the Farrelly's (sans Heartbreak) seem like the second coming of Sturges. And Apatow...whatever. Guy's cashing in his chips, can't begrudge him that, although anyone who thought he had anything else to say besides what he has already said deserves to have their 11 bucks wasted. All of these movies are Jimmy Caan-Inspected Bourgeois Horseshit. Fart, Pussy, Beer, Pot, Fart, Vomit, Pussy, Sentimental Moment. These guys belong on television, and that's where you'll find them in five years. Don't be suprised if that's where you find Owen too.

Posted by MilkMan at March 20, 2008 12:33 PM

comment #22

thatmovieguy says ...

So many of these "next big thing" hotshots fall into exactly the same trap. They make a couple of hits and then, when producers come calling, they drag out any half-developed, undernourished script they have sitting around because somebody's willing to put it up there on the screen. DRILLBIT is a great case-in-point: The movie is too raunchy for family audiences and not "adult" enough for the SUPERBAD or KNOCKED UP crowd. It's clearly something that needed substantial revisions to go in one direction or the other. It takes more time to set up than ATONEMENT did, the kids aren't worth paying attention to (sensitive type being ignored at home, porky big-mouth with attitude, squawky misfit with a love for musical theater: How groundbreaking! What genius!) and the subplot with Leslie Mann goes absolutely nowhere. At the screening I attended there were very lengthy gaps between the laughs and the audience rushed for the doors the second the credits began to roll.

Posted by thatmovieguy at March 20, 2008 1:38 PM

comment #23

christian says ...

But...but...people get punched in the face and hit in the balls, don't they? What more do people want?
I mean, we're talking American Comedy Gold here!

And of course, Apatow's "smartest" comedy, WALK HARD, is the one that fails. Well, if you create an audience expecting one thing and give them another...

Posted by christian at March 20, 2008 2:21 PM