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Michael Bay's "Baby"
It's strange that no one has commented so far about the obvious echo factors regarding Michael Bay's Platinum Pictures being in negotiations with Paramount Pictures to do a Rosemary's Baby remake. For humor's sake, at least.
Mia Farrow in Roman Polanski's Rosemary's Baby
Echo #1 is that we've got a trade story here about a man who's been half- jokingly referred to by film writers, editors and film fans for years as a satanic figure, and now this guy is looking to make a movie about the birth of Satan's spawn. You don't think that's funny?
Nobody actually believes that Bay is literally a man-devil with horns and hooves, but he's certainly been seen for at least a decade as someone who's come to represent demonic forces in the film industry, a soul-less heebie-jeebie craftsman who has done more than anyone else to bring about the death of genuine spirit and heart and coherency in narrative cinema, a sworn enemy of the beliefs and ghosts of Ernst Lubitsch, Robert Bresson, John Ford and Stanley Kubrick (among thousands of others) and the mortal foe in today's world of alive-and-well guys like Florian von Heckel Donnersmarck.
Echo #2 is all flaky ephemera and silly supposition, but throw it all together you've got the kind of thing that would make you gulp if you heard it in The Omen. I'm not saying it's remotely imaginable much less anything a sane person would consider, but let's take the Michael Bay-is-the-devil idea and advance it a notch and suppose, just for fun, that Bay is actually the son of Satan.
He was born on 2.14.65, which was when Ira Levin was writing and researching his Rosemary's Baby novel, which was published about two and a half years later, in mid 1967. So where did the idea for Levin's book come from? Perhaps there were demonic vibrations in the air in the aftermath of Bay's first wail and Levin, being a typically sensitive writer who perhaps knew a little something about the occult, picked up on this somehow? Maybe he knew someone who told him, "Something has happened, I know not what."
Clearly the editors of Time magazine felt something in the air also because in April 1966, when Bay was only 14 months old, they published their famous "Is God Dead?" essay with that magazine cover that people still remember today. Roman Polanski, director of the original Rosemary's Baby ('68), used this Time cover for an insert shot in his film.
I'm not saying any of this makes any sense, but once you accept the fictional notion of Bay's demonic parentage it all starts to fall into place with an oddly creepy logic. Bay's birth, Levin begins "Rosemary's Baby," Time wonders if God has died, the book is published, the movie is shot and released....all in fairly fast succession.
If you go by the logic of The Final Conflict (1981), the rise of Damien Thorn (Sam Neill) is fulfilled when be becomes an adult and begins to control the levers of power in decisive ways. Bay has obviously been doing that for some time in Hollywood circles, but now, the theory goes, he's finally reached a point where he can tell (or help to tell if someone else directs) the story of his own birth. Yes, a stupid idea but on some primal level there's a small part of me that believes all of it.
The scary thing is that Bay and his Platinum Pictures team will almost certainly screw this one up -- overbaking it, removing all subtlety and sense of dread, making it for the downmarket crowd, etc. Just like they're certain to do when they get around to remaking Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds.
Posted by Jeffrey Wells on March 12, 2008 at 3:07 PM
comment #1
MickTravis
says ...
A remake of "Rosemary's Baby" by anyone -- particularly a Bay-driven version -- reminds me of a quote from Ben Kingsley's character in "Sexy Beast."
"No no no no no no no no! No no no no no no no no! No no no no no no no no! No no no no no no no no! No no no no no no no no! No no no no no no no no! No no no no no no no no! No no no no no no no no! No no no no no no no no! NO!"
Posted by MickTravis
at March 12, 2008 4:51 PM
comment #2
giantman
says ...
The spirit of Christ compels me! Good grief, can it be true? Maybe Bay will do a Hitch and cast himself in the movie, and then hire Keifer Sutherland and Kevin Bacon, Steven Spielberg will produce and the hairdresser can get a giant spider in there somewhere, cats and dogs living together... my God man, do you do understand what always happens to the messenger in these stories?!?
Posted by giantman
at March 12, 2008 4:53 PM
comment #3
actionman
says ...
Ben Kingsley screams: "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!" in Sexy Beast. Yes Grovsernor! Yes Roundtree! You'll be there!
Posted by actionman
at March 12, 2008 4:57 PM
comment #4
Leonardcoenbrothers
says ...
"Nobody actually believes that Bay is literally a man-devil with horns and hooves..."
Don't be too sure about that.
Posted by Leonardcoenbrothers
at March 12, 2008 5:06 PM
comment #5
renorambler
says ...
Ahh, that pic reminds me of just how hot Mia was. raaaaar
She still looks pretty good today actually.
Posted by renorambler
at March 12, 2008 5:06 PM
comment #6
MickTravis
says ...
Yeah, actionman, "Yes" is a common refrain. But I'm talking about the one point when he shifts gears (see 5:50)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=tdIKeMAgsbU&feature=related
Posted by MickTravis
at March 12, 2008 5:10 PM
comment #7
insidah
says ...
What is the deal with Platinum Dunes? Are there no decent horror specs available? I know we live in the age of franchising, but this is getting ridiculous. Come on, Bay. Find an original script - support new stories, new voices. The power of Christ compels you.
Posted by insidah
at March 12, 2008 5:13 PM
comment #8
sunny
says ...
Fuuuuuck Michael Bay.
sorry.
Posted by sunny
at March 12, 2008 5:17 PM
comment #9
christian
says ...
Rosemary's BAYby?
Posted by christian
at March 12, 2008 5:18 PM
comment #10
actionman
says ...
Mick--sorry...how could I forget about that part! I need to watch Sexy Beast tonight I think! Great flick.
Posted by actionman
at March 12, 2008 5:52 PM
comment #11
Rosebudsthesled
says ...
The fact that Michael Bay can remake quite possibly the best supernatural horror film of all time is proof that there is nothing sacred in film culture anymore.
Posted by Rosebudsthesled
at March 12, 2008 6:12 PM
comment #12
MAGGA
says ...
This is the craziest article I''ve read on this site. Loved every word of it! Every letter! Every pixel of every letter. But there's more. We all know that God spelled backwords is dog. And what does Michael Bay look like?! Tom Cruise with an eating dosorder, but with the hands from that woman in Plan 9 From Outer Space. And when did that movie come out? I can't remember the adress for imdb but it sure is a long time ago!!
Posted by MAGGA
at March 12, 2008 8:27 PM
comment #13
D.Z.
says ...
I dunno. I'm not a fan of Bay, but wasn't the integrity of the original film already ruined after Polanski's rape charges?
Posted by D.Z.
at March 12, 2008 8:54 PM
comment #14
MickTravis
says ...
No, it wasn't. What else would you like to ask?
Posted by MickTravis
at March 12, 2008 9:32 PM
comment #15
Edward
says ...
One of the most enjoyable posts ever Jeffrey, thanks.
Posted by Edward
at March 12, 2008 10:34 PM
comment #16
Stephe96
says ...
Terrible idea. The original “Rosemary’s Baby†was a nearly perfect supernatural thriller that was made into a classic film by Roman Polanski. There would be absolutely no way in which to improve this story, but there are many, many ways in which it could be ruined.
By the way, I once spent a boring college history class outlining all the rather strange and interesting connections between “Rosemary’s Baby†and the Beatles. I don’t know if anyone’s really interested, but here goes:
-The film “Bananas†opens with Howard Cosell announcing an assassination on live TV for ABC Sports.
-“Bananas†stars and is directed by Woody Allen.
-Woody Allen will later have a highly public relationship with Mia Farrow.
-Mia Farrow and her sister, Prudence, will be among those traveling to India with the Beatles in 1967.
-Mia’s sister will later be immortalized on the Beatles’ “White Album†in the song, “Dear Prudence.â€
-The “White Album†also includes the songs, “Blackbird,†“Piggies†and “Helter Skelter.â€
-These tunes are later interpreted by Charles Manson as signs of an impending race riot in the US.
-Meanwhile, Mia Farrow stars in Roman Polanski’s version of “Rosemary’s Baby.â€
-A scene in the movie depicting a death (very likely a murder) is filmed in front of the main entrance to the Dakota apartment building in NYC.
-John Lennon will eventually live in the Dakota during the 70s.
-Manson’s followers go on a 2-night murder spree in 1969 – among those killed is Sharon Tate, wife of Roman Polanski.
-John Lennon is assassinated outside the entrance to the Dakota in December of 1980.
-His death is first announced to the world on live TV by Howard Cosell during Monday Night Football….on ABC.
I know there are many, many more connections; but this is what I could remember off the top of my head. Feel free to add more!
Posted by Stephe96
at March 13, 2008 3:14 AM
comment #17
Stephe96
says ...
YIKES! I swear that post looked normal when I hit send. Anyway, here is the cleaned-up version for anyone interested....
-The film Bananas opens with Howard Cosell announcing an assassination on live TV for ABC Sports.
-Bananas stars and is directed by Woody Allen.
-Woody Allen will later have a highly public relationship with Mia Farrow.
-Mia Farrow and her sister, Prudence, will be among those traveling to India with the Beatles in 1967.
-Mias sister will later be immortalized on the Beatles White Albumin the song, Dear Prudence.
-The White Album also includes the songs, Blackbird, Piggies and Helter Skelter.
-These tunes are later interpreted by Charles Manson as signs of an impending race riot in the US.
-Meanwhile, Mia Farrow stars in Roman Polanski's version of Rosemary's Baby
-A scene in the movie depicting a death (very likely a murder) is filmed in front of the main entrance to the Dakota apartment building in NYC.
-John Lennon will eventually live in the Dakota during the 70s.
-Manson's followers go on a 2-night murder spree in 1969 -- among those killed is Sharon Tate, wife of Roman Polanski.
-John Lennon is assassinated outside the entrance to the Dakota in December of 1980.
-His death is first announced to the world on live TV by Howard Cosell during Monday Night Football on ABC.
I know there are many, many more connections; but this is what I could remember off the top of my head. Feel free to add more!
Posted by Stephe96
at March 13, 2008 4:13 AM
comment #18
Burbanked
says ...
I prefer to classify Bay's true nature by borrowing from the great James L. Brooks:
"What do you think the Devil is going to look like if he's around? Nobody is going to be taken in if he has a long, red, pointy tail. No. I'm semi-serious here. He will look attractive and he will be nice and helpful and he will get a job where he influences a great God-fearing nation and he will never do an evil thing... he will just bit by little bit lower standards where they are important. Just coax along flash over substance... Just a tiny bit. And he will talk about all of us really being salesmen. And he'll get all the great women."
Posted by Burbanked
at March 13, 2008 4:23 AM
comment #19
Rich S.
says ...
C'mon guys, I'm looking forward to the part where the Devil's spawn claws its way out of Rosemary's womb, slaughters the delivery room staff and then makes its way towards Washington, with hate in its heart and murder on its mind.
Come to think of it, Bay should remake It's Alive instead.
Posted by Rich S.
at March 13, 2008 5:48 AM
comment #20
Stephe96
says ...
RICH S,
Great point! Why not let Bay remake BAD movies? (Not that I ever say It's Alive...I'm just assuming it's not great...)
Posted by Stephe96
at March 13, 2008 5:54 AM
comment #21
christian
says ...
IT'S ALIVE is pretty damn good. And Larry Cohen has a sharp sense of satire.
Posted by christian
at March 13, 2008 10:04 AM
comment #22
Eric Stanton
says ...
I enjoyed the unhinged elan of this post - great stuff.
I guess I am still kinda naive, because despite all the remakes we've seen, I thought there was an (admittedly very small) canon of classic movies that nobody would ever dare remake, and I thought "Rosemary's Baby" was part of it. I can understand why "The Taking of Pelham 123," for example, is getting redone - there's an obvious commercial opportunity there, and while the original is a classic genre film, it's not held in such reverence that the mere idea of a remake is sacriligeous, and I imagine it's largely unknown to casual moviegoers under the age of 40.
But surely no one would dare to remake Citizen Kane, Casablanca, Gone With the Wind, The Wizard of Oz, Lawrence of Arabia or The Godfather, to name a few of the most obvious examples. The originals are too widely agreed to be unimprovable (for what they are.) How big is the circle of un-remakable films? I would have thought Rosemary's Baby and The Birds would be untouchables. I would have thought no one would ever try to re-imagine and rework a Hitchcock film for a general audience - Van Sandt's "Psycho" being an a special case, i.e., an art film experiment not really intended to supplant the original in any way.
Posted by Eric Stanton
at March 13, 2008 3:55 PM
comment #23
Stephe96
says ...
Huh. You know a remake of "The Birds" might not be a bad idea. Is someone actually doing one? I always thought the horrible special effects and lapses in logic kinda ruined that Hitchcock flick.
Posted by Stephe96
at March 13, 2008 5:25 PM
comment #24
Mark B
says ...
Not even a GOOD director should go near this classic, but the thought of a hack such as Bay taking over the reigns makes my insides shudder to the core. And you just KNOW he won't be satisfied to leave the baby's appearance to the imagination as the great Polanski did. No, we're going to have to see the blasted beast in all of its CGI glory. Oh, the humanity!
Posted by Mark B
at March 14, 2008 8:11 PM
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