edited by Jonathan Doyle

Cloverfield [BLU-RAY] (Paramount Home Entertainment, 6.3.2008) Disguised under deliberately goofy, yet deliciously edible-sounding, aliases such as Cheese and Slusho, Matt Reeves' Cloverfield was produced and rushed into theaters under an equally appetizing shroud of secrecy. From last year's incredibly elusive Super Bowl ad to the film's viral marketing campaign, Cloverfield had everybody scratching their heads and drooling in anticipation. Aside from the as-yet untitled title and the Blair Witch-ian visual style, the film's biggest appeal was the enigmatic creature who was last (un)seen hurling the decapitated head of the Statue of Liberty onto the crowded streets of New York City. All we knew about the mysterious beast was that it was big and angry. Now that the highy-anticipated project has come and gone, one question has fortunately been answered: Cloverfield was a major success. (continued)

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Destroy Almost All Moustaches

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I concur 100% with Toronto Star critic Peter Howell when he says that "just one person saves Smart People from being completely wretched, [and] it's the presence of Thomas Haden Church."

The problem, unfortunately, is that Haden Church wears a truly wretched moustache in Noam Murro's film, and it wrestles with his performance. He's still the film's most winning actor (slightly more engaging than Ellen Page, and much more so than the growly and curmudgeonly Dennis Quaid), but every time you look at him your eyes go right to his upper lip and it's like...why?

This led me to lament almost all moustaches everywhere. I realize that some actors look better with them. Or they did in the good old days. Clark Gable, Ronald Colman, William Daniels in The Graduate, John Hillerman in Chinatown, etc. Robert Redford's 'stache in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid looked terrific. But almost everyone who doesn't have the kind of face that really and truly needs the augmentation of upper-lip hair looks awful when they grow one. I mean terrible and sometimes even comically miscalculated at times. The word doofusy comes to mind.

Black guys, for whatever reason, almost always look good with moustaches. Who can imagine Billy Dee Williams without one? Except for Denzel Washington -- they don't work for him at all.

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Posted by Jeffrey Wells on April 11, 2008 at 3:51 PM

comment #1

Alfredo says ...

Kevin Kline wears a mustache well.

Posted by Alfredo at April 11, 2008 4:26 PM

comment #2

Aladdin Sane says ...

If it were a Western, you probably wouldn't object to the presence of the 'stache.

As it stands, the only reason I'd see Smart People is cos of Church and Page...and the reviews aren't really all that positive, so it'll be a rental one day I suppose. Still, THC's 'stache is awesome. It may be a "what the hell?" thing, but man, it's just rad.

Posted by Aladdin Sane at April 11, 2008 4:33 PM

comment #3

lazespud says ...

"The word doofusy comes to mind"

Until Jeff says something better, that will be my go-to phrase for quoting Jeff's priceless gems. Hilarious.

I certainly won't be able to watch that film now without thinking "doofusy".

Posted by lazespud at April 11, 2008 4:35 PM

comment #4

actionman says ...

Colin Farrell's moustache in Miami Vice is a work of art.

I was interested in Smart People because people have been raving about Noam Murro's rep as an international commercials director for years. At one point he was attached to direct The Ring 2 but that didn't happen. I'll check Smart People out on dvd; I have always been a fan of Dennis Quaid.

Posted by actionman at April 11, 2008 4:35 PM

comment #5

Wrecktum says ...

Tom Selleck, the 'Stache himself, is obviously iconic with a moustache, but he looks good without one too.

Posted by Wrecktum at April 11, 2008 4:37 PM

comment #6

actionman says ...

Selleck is definitely one of the moustache kings. Big and bushy and just about perfect.

Posted by actionman at April 11, 2008 4:43 PM

comment #7

Hallick says ...

I remember a mustache William H. Macy was sporting in Homicide(?) that looked as if the 4 foot long business end of a broom handle should've been sticking out of the back of his head.

It's funny. At least in this picture, Church looks a dead ringer for Sir Digby Chicken Caesar, minus the cap.

Gotta say Daniel Day Lewis looks just as good in his movies with a mustache as he does without.

Posted by Hallick at April 11, 2008 4:47 PM

comment #8

silver says ...

Josh Brolin in NCFOM (tho generally he doesn't have one)

Posted by silver at April 11, 2008 5:00 PM

comment #9

lazarus says ...

You'll get my moustache when you pry it off my cold, dead face.

Posted by lazarus at April 11, 2008 5:08 PM

comment #10

Jay T. says ...

Good call on Daniel Day-Lewis... he rocks a killer stash in both Gangs of New York and TWBB.

Posted by Jay T. at April 11, 2008 5:17 PM

comment #11

Gabriel says ...

I've rarely agreed more with Jeff than I do on this point. There are a few people who wear them well - Sam Elliott comes to mind - but for the most part, they're entirely repellent.

Posted by Gabriel at April 11, 2008 5:26 PM

comment #12

dangovich says ...

Mustaches are only good for period pieces and comedies (the Matt Dillon character in There's Something About Mary and those two annoying detectives in Hot Fuzz come to mind.)

Posted by dangovich at April 11, 2008 5:44 PM

comment #13

Mgmax says ...

I just watched The Good German Shepherd-- I mean The Good Shepherd-- and all I could think was, a mustache would have helped me believe that 26-year-old Matt Damon had a 23-year-old son.

Posted by Mgmax at April 11, 2008 5:46 PM

comment #14

Titus Pullo says ...

It's the quality of the stache, the stache THC is sporting is one that even Ethan Hawke would have to laugh at.
Sam Elliot looks like a idiot w/o his.

Posted by Titus Pullo at April 11, 2008 6:36 PM

comment #15

Titus Pullo says ...

Oh, and I should add:
Reason Held Hostage...Day Four.
Mgmax refuses to answer some simple questions.

Mgmax, it's just a couple of question don't be so scared.

Question 1: Why hasn't conservative America stepped up en masse to serve now that we're in 2 wars?

Question 2: How will we field an army in the coming decade of occupation(if you and your ilk have your wish) with dwindling enlistment and no draft?

Posted by Titus Pullo at April 11, 2008 6:41 PM

comment #16

ZacharyTF says ...

Jason Lee in My Name is Earl. I know it's a TV show, but now he looks weird in movies when he doesn't wear it.

Val Kilmer in Tombstone.

Posted by ZacharyTF at April 11, 2008 6:48 PM

comment #17

Mgmax says ...

God I love seeing my name, it validates my Heston-in-The-Omega-Man existence here.

Posted by Mgmax at April 11, 2008 6:55 PM

comment #18

Mumbleboy says ...

Isn't the point of Church's 'stash that it's doofusiness reflects his character? I'm sure he could have gotten a very nice upper lip toupee from his stylist if that is what the character required.

Then again, maybe Thomas just looks like that when he grows one naturally.

How many of these mustachioed actors actually grew there own and how many had the make-up department make them up like real men?

Posted by Mumbleboy at April 11, 2008 6:59 PM

comment #19

MickTravis says ...

Odd that you mention Hawke, Titus.

All I could think while watching the movie (beside the fact that it sucked and was saved only by the performances) was that Ethan Hawke and Thomas Haden Church need to play brothers, like, immediately.

Posted by MickTravis at April 11, 2008 7:38 PM

comment #20

CharlieDontSurf says ...

Brolin - No Country

Posted by CharlieDontSurf at April 11, 2008 8:19 PM

comment #21

ZacharyTF says ...

Speaking of Tombstone, it's interesting how Sam Elliot pulls off a mustache easily, but Bill Paxton doesn't at all.

Posted by ZacharyTF at April 11, 2008 8:38 PM

comment #22

lipranzer says ...

It's just facial hair. Jeez.

Also, Church gave a good try, but he was hampered by a story that didn't know what to do with him.

Posted by lipranzer at April 11, 2008 8:51 PM

comment #23

rocco says ...

Is it just me, or is Jeff's addiction to physical perfection and superficialities making this blog mindnumbingly dull? Hey, what the hell do I know, this may be exactly the type of thing that drives hits and advertising...but whatever it is, it's sure not journalism, and it's sure not art. How can a cerebral guy like Jeff find this rewarding or fulfilling??

I don't like it, I know, I can leave...and that's what is slowly and surely happening...

Posted by rocco at April 11, 2008 9:37 PM

comment #24

K. Bowen says ...

Ha! The first two lines of my review.

"After watching Smart People, I plan to present to the highest filmmaking authorities evidence of the existence of a new genre. I call it the Moustache Film.

This new genre will include any and all earnest family dramas in which the male stars each grow facial hair to stress their grounded sincerity."

http://antidisartsandent.blogspot.com/2008/04/mild-genius-smart-people.html

But I thought Quaid was great. Who knows? Maybe I'm way off.

Another example of the trend was Joaquin Phoenix in Reservation Road. I'm sure there are others.

Posted by K. Bowen at April 11, 2008 10:31 PM

comment #25

K. Bowen says ...

And Jeff, how could you love the wholly wretched The Family Stone but be cool on this? Smart People is middling fare, but miles ahead of that syrup-fest.

Posted by K. Bowen at April 11, 2008 10:41 PM

comment #26

frankbooth says ...

Mgmax, I think of you as a different character in a Heston flim -- Victor Buono in Beneath the Planet of the Apes.

Posted by frankbooth at April 12, 2008 3:41 AM

comment #27

Rich S. says ...

Ebert's Little Movie Glossary has the "Kevin Kline Mustache Rule." If he's clean shaven, you know it's a serious part. But if he has a mustache, you know it's a wacky romp! Scary how dead-on that rule is.

Posted by Rich S. at April 12, 2008 4:22 AM

comment #28

CarloDennis says ...

Elba recently signed on to Obsessed, a Fatal Attraction rip-off that will costar Beyonce and Ali Larter. If that wasn't bad enough, it's being produced by the almost always abominable Screen Gems.

Posted by CarloDennis at April 12, 2008 5:19 AM

comment #29

PerfectTommy says ...

Rich, Kline did have a mustache in "Sophie's Choice". Man, that film was zany.

Posted by PerfectTommy at April 12, 2008 5:19 AM

comment #30

PerfectTommy says ...

I can't believe this board has gone this long without reference to the mustache of Burt Reynolds. Though my favorite films by Burt ("Deliverance" and "The Longest Yard") feature his face naked.

Posted by PerfectTommy at April 12, 2008 5:26 AM

comment #31

CarloDennis says ...

Yeah... my post was intended for the "Late Numbers" thread.

While I'm here, might as well say that Paul Rudd wears a moustache well...

Posted by CarloDennis at April 12, 2008 5:33 AM

comment #32

Mgmax says ...

"Mgmax, I think of you as a different character in a Heston flim -- Victor Buono in Beneath the Planet of the Apes."

Praise be unto It.

Posted by Mgmax at April 12, 2008 6:04 AM

comment #33

Wrecktum says ...

I'm really surprised I, nor any one else, has mentioned the great moustachioed Charles Bronson. A man who claimed he never made any one without his 'stache, he actually looked a lot better without one than with one.

Posted by Wrecktum at April 12, 2008 1:30 PM

comment #34

Mgmax says ...

Bronson didn't have a mustache lots of times-- for instance, The Great Escape, Once Upon a Time in the West, Hard Times, etc.

However, it could very well be that he had a mustache in everything he made from the mid-70s on.

Clark Gable probably didn't go without one after Cain and Mabel in 1936. There is one actor who absolutely refused to do without one after a certain point-- Clifton Webb. When he did The Man Who Never Was, they made his character Scottish or something because at least that branch of the Royal Navy allowed full beards, which would allow him to keep his mustache while playing a naval officer.

Posted by Mgmax at April 12, 2008 1:37 PM

comment #35