edited by Jonathan Doyle

Cloverfield [BLU-RAY] (Paramount Home Entertainment, 6.3.2008) Disguised under deliberately goofy, yet deliciously edible-sounding, aliases such as Cheese and Slusho, Matt Reeves' Cloverfield was produced and rushed into theaters under an equally appetizing shroud of secrecy. From last year's incredibly elusive Super Bowl ad to the film's viral marketing campaign, Cloverfield had everybody scratching their heads and drooling in anticipation. Aside from the as-yet untitled title and the Blair Witch-ian visual style, the film's biggest appeal was the enigmatic creature who was last (un)seen hurling the decapitated head of the Statue of Liberty onto the crowded streets of New York City. All we knew about the mysterious beast was that it was big and angry. Now that the highy-anticipated project has come and gone, one question has fortunately been answered: Cloverfield was a major success. (continued)

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Hottie-Galumph Redux

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The Calgary Sun's Kevin Williamson posted an article today (both on the Sun's website and on Canoe Jam) about the Judd Apatow myth-fantasy of hotties being attracted to and going out with galumphs, and he quoted yours truly as follows:

"This is all Judd reliving the dynamics of his marriage. I think everyone knows down deep that...birds of a feather flock together. It's very unusual for hotties to be with galumphs. Ask anybody. The only reason it happens, and it's the same in this town as it is in New York and elsewhere, is that the guys are very witty, which women love and find sexy, but also very loaded and have connections.

"Seth Rogen in real life is a hip, smart guy. But he's playing slackers who wear Cabo San Lucas T-shirts and smoke doobies, and that doesn't work to my understanding. The only time you're going to have a guy who's a 6 with a girl who's an 8.5 is when it's about power."

An actor friend put it to me thusly a few years ago: "All women the world over lie down for the conqueror." Which is just another way of phrasing the old Oliver Stone-Tony Montana-ism, to wit: "First you get the money, then you get the power, then you get the woman."

Bill Saves The Day<< previous | next >>Tinseltown Ten

Posted by Jeffrey Wells on April 13, 2008 at 1:06 PM

comment #1

Sonic Boom says ...

Jeez, I don't know... I'm getting the feeling that you've RUN THIS INTO THE GROUND. At this point, I'm worried that this "issue" is affecting you on a deep personal level.

Posted by Sonic Boom at April 13, 2008 1:34 PM

comment #2

K. Bowen says ...

I don't think that's entirely right, and the whole "women will lay down for the emperor" is sort of a misogynistic counter-myth. There certainly are women like that, but that's a pretty broad brush I do think that women generally like men with their shit together. More often than not, having your shit together means that you have some money. But not always.

The problem with Apatow's characters is that they don't have their shit together. The problem with Apatow-label films is that they're becoming increasingly misogynistic, with less and less interest being paid to the females in them. .

Posted by K. Bowen at April 13, 2008 1:37 PM

comment #3

George Prager says ...

Here's something that has always bothered me about KNOCKED UP: Rogan's character is an illegal immigrant (we won't get into his money situation, it makes Hugh Grant's in ABOUT A BOY seem plausible). So what about the scene with Rogan and his Dad. What's up with that scene? Dad is visiting from Canada? No discussion about this immigration status? What is up with that? And while we're at it...you mean to tell me that someone like Heigl would have a baby without a midwife and a dula?

This galumph issue. Not so implausible, as long as the galumph is 5'11" or taller.

Posted by George Prager at April 13, 2008 1:43 PM

comment #4

Rothchild says ...

I'm one of those people that looks like Seth Rogen and has a very attractive girlfriend. I've been rejected by more beautiful woman than you could ever imagine, but if you're not a downer and you're funny you'll always find someone that digs that. A guy like Chris Evans, that Jeff finds very sexy, has a better chance of getting it on with a thousand hot chicks in his lifetime, but there's nothing ludicrous about someone like Rogen or Jonah Hill ending up with a gorgeous, fun woman that likes their personality.

People that run this into the ground and think it's bullshit are usually attractive alpha males that don't understand it, or ugly bitter guys that wonder why it doesn't work out for them.

Posted by Rothchild at April 13, 2008 1:49 PM

comment #5

diesel says ...

amen to that.

Posted by diesel at April 13, 2008 1:56 PM

comment #6

gruver1 says ...

Wells to Sonic Boom: I've obviously said my piece on this subject but a Canadian syndicated writer/critic quoted me in a piece about it so what do want me to do....ignore it? That would be kind of stupid, wouldn't it? Some of you guys, honestly, are so fucking irritating at times. If a connected journalist quotes me in a piece I'm going to run a link and a short summary, okay? If you don't like it, too bad.

Posted by gruver1 at April 13, 2008 2:05 PM

comment #7

Rothchild says ...

The problem isn't that you've written ten pieces about it. The problem isn't that your linking to an article that contains one of your quotes. The problem is that you're wrong, and this is just some weird shit to keep bringing up.

Posted by Rothchild at April 13, 2008 2:10 PM

comment #8

George Prager says ...

Rothchild, you're the MItt Romney of JUNO. Any non-JUNO related material on this site is off-limits to you, understand? If you wrote about JUNO and someone quoted you, you would link to it in a second.
Like this link:

http://hollywood-elsewhere.com/archives/2008/02/jewison_oscar_t.php

Now go blog about yourself, you galumph schmegege, you.

Posted by George Prager at April 13, 2008 2:22 PM

comment #9

gruver1 says ...

Wells to Rothchild: Wrong about what exactly? My quote in Williamson's piece is dead-on and unassailable. Except by practitioners of denial like yourself.

Posted by gruver1 at April 13, 2008 2:23 PM

comment #10

Rothchild says ...

Rothchild to George Prager: That's incredibly weird and creepy. How do you remember something I wrote on here that vividly when I don't even recall typing it? Do these comments actually have an effect on your life?

To Wells: Some (or a lot of) women lie down for the conquerer. Some women lie down for other dudes, too. Not all men are conquerers. Not all women put conquering on the top of their list of priorities.

Posted by Rothchild at April 13, 2008 2:34 PM

comment #11

Arran says ...

I'm telling you, it's jobs. We gotta get jobs. Then we get the khakis. Then we get the chicks.

Posted by Arran at April 13, 2008 2:40 PM

comment #12

BurmaShave says ...

Wells that's not what you were saying initially. It's fine you're taking the slacker angle now, and it's valid. But that's not where you started from.

Posted by BurmaShave at April 13, 2008 2:47 PM

comment #13

D.Z. says ...

From the trailers I've seen, I don't think the girls these guys hook up with are that hot. I mean they're attractive, and they know how to take care of themselves, but they're not what you consider eye-popping gorgeous. In spite of being fantasies, they've got fairly low standards. Anyway, yeah, it's possible for a grizzly guy to hook up, but they gotta get themselves together first. There's no way they're getting any action if they don't have some sort of hook or lure. For example, Ron Jeremy brags that "anyone can get laid", but if he didn't have the right equipment, that wouldn't happen for him.

Posted by D.Z. at April 13, 2008 2:50 PM

comment #14

George Prager says ...

George Prager to Rothchild: Sometimes when HEers write things that are extremely annoying, embarrassing and/or irritating, I remember them. Not so strange/creepy. For example: when Josh Massey claimed that "Jezebel" magazine named his sister one of Atlanta's 25 Most Beautiful...HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHOHOHOHOH
OHOHO...
I remembered it. Just don't get any ideas...I'm sure she's out
of your league.

Posted by George Prager at April 13, 2008 2:53 PM

comment #15

T. Holly says ...

Apparantly these galumphs are vulverable, ladies can have their way with them. The moives are "chick flicks for men. Everyone's sensitive, everyone cries, everyone talks."

"I think we all just make movies about ourselves," said Nicholas Stoller, who makes his directing debut with "Sarah Marshall." "I don't know anyone, male or female, who isn't vulnerable, even if they're guarded about it. It's just the truth about humans in general.

"If I see a movie," he added, "and the male lead is just totally a man, it's usually a fantasy - or it's a movie I just don't buy."

Admitting that "all of us just cry a lot," Stoller (he wrote "Fun With Dick and Jane" and the upcoming "Yes Man") said that while the humiliation aspect of all these films is funny, they're not just for cheap laughs. When Sarah Marshall ( Kristen Bell) breaks up with Peter at the beginning of the film, he's totally naked. It makes you smile - or is that a wince?

http://www.newsday.com/entertainment/movies/ny-ffmov5643940apr13,0,867115.story

Posted by T. Holly at April 13, 2008 3:02 PM

comment #16

The Winchester says ...

Kudos to Arran for successfully working a quote from Baseketball!

Posted by The Winchester at April 13, 2008 3:27 PM

comment #17

Ron Lim says ...

Two things...

First of all, if Jeff is right and no hotties would ever hook up with a schlub, then he's in big trouble.

(...but seriously...)

Second, if this is your perception of the world, you need to get the Hell out of Los Angeles. Seriously, it's fucked up your entire world view.

Posted by Ron Lim at April 13, 2008 5:12 PM

comment #18

T. Holly says ...

They do now, but not since some tv shows and movies made it cool. DIY movies have helped too: even most ugly young people, are still cute and some non-pro actresses are prettier than others. Apatow has pushed the envelop way over the edge of reason, but we have bought the visual language.

Posted by T. Holly at April 13, 2008 5:50 PM

comment #19

CharlieDontSurf says ...

If we are talking one night stands then anything goes given booze is almost always involved. If we are talking BF then the majority of the time you will not see a 10 aka. model/playboy material with a guy that looks like Seth Rogan or Jonah Hill or even Michael Cera unless that guy has the most insanly awesome personality, he's rich famous or powerful, or he is an exact replica of what the girl's father was like.

There are always exceptions...but Jeff is right overall.
However if there aren't a ton of good looking guys that changes things. Go to Prague and you'll be amazed by the number of smoking hot chicks who are with ugly guys.

Posted by CharlieDontSurf at April 13, 2008 6:02 PM

comment #20

televisiontears says ...

Wells, I'm sometimes fascinated by your constant disdain for the folks who respond on this site - in a good way. Sometimes, your posts can be eloquent and insightful, yet when you get hung up on a completely random issue like this, and people tease you for it (and that's all it is - teasing), you respond with a tiny little "fuck all of you". I'm not being insincere when I say that it's kinda cute. In a totally plutonic manner, of course.

Posted by televisiontears at April 13, 2008 7:05 PM

comment #21

T. Holly says ...

Follow the story forward guys. If Jason Segal were better looking, he wouldn't be naked on film for 3 seconds when Kristen Bell breaks up with him.

Posted by T. Holly at April 13, 2008 9:02 PM

comment #22

Jay T. says ...

D.Z. -- not sure which actresses you're referring to, but if you saw/met Kristen Bell in person, you'd admit she's a complete knockout...

Posted by Jay T. at April 13, 2008 9:04 PM

comment #23

Arran says ...

I knew YOU would appreciate it Winchester...we clearly share a brain sometimes.

Posted by Arran at April 13, 2008 9:55 PM

comment #24

scooterzz says ...

dz, i realize it's all subjective but if you ever meet kristen bell or see her on stage ('snow' @ the matrix in '03 was pretty wonderful) you might actually admit you don't know what you're talking about......
um,...nah......that'll never happen....oh, well......

Posted by scooterzz at April 13, 2008 9:57 PM

comment #25

D.Z. says ...

Bell's cute, but she's just basically Gellar with a better figure.

Posted by D.Z. at April 13, 2008 11:31 PM

comment #26

Josh Massey says ...

Rothchild, I wouldn't worry about Prager. He's the worst kind of Internet tough guy - so weak and inconsequential in real life, he has to create a jackass persona where nobody can actually see how pathetic he is.

Posted by Josh Massey at April 14, 2008 4:08 AM

comment #27

George Prager says ...

Whatever, Josh.

Posted by George Prager at April 14, 2008 4:20 AM

comment #28

DavidF says ...

I'll agree with Prager on one count:
I did notice the "plot hole" that he's from Canada and that his dad happens to be in LA. It's not crazy dad would visit or anything but I remember it striking me as odd. They basically set up the illegal immigrant thing as backstory but don't deal with any of the practical implications (e.g. that if he does get a real job he's gonna have to do a bit of paperwork, that his dad probably can't meet him for coffee when he needs a pep talk etc.)
For a movie that's 85% improv, it ranks pretty low on the contradictions scale. It's a minor thing, but it is there.

Posted by DavidF at April 14, 2008 6:48 AM

comment #29

JackeyAces says ...

Is the obsession on this topic because you can't get a hottie Jeff? You are quickly becoming the male version of Mo Dowd

Posted by JackeyAces at April 14, 2008 9:06 AM

comment #30

George Prager says ...

It's weird. If you read a JackAsses comment aloud, it sounds like Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, but without the humor.

Posted by George Prager at April 14, 2008 9:20 AM

comment #31

GlassFamily says ...

I just wish one of these galumphs had a blog so they could ban Wells from being a commenter.

Posted by GlassFamily at April 14, 2008 9:43 AM

comment #32

corey3rd says ...

Wells there are plenty of reasons why a Doughboy like Seth would end up with a hot girlfriend:

1. Drugs. He's got the hook up and she's got the nose.
2. Trust fund. She likes seeing his bank statements each month
3. Mental - He knows how to play into her fears. When you can tell a beautiful woman that she's got ugly kneecaps, she's yours. Affirm her worst fears and she swears that only you can see the real her.
4. Drummer. she swears he's the next Keith Moon.
5. Hung like a horse.

Anyone else noticing that the new film about that Sarah girl looks like it should be a movie of the Week with all the TV sitcom faces? A Barney Miller regular? That 70s Show? SNL? How I Met Your Mother. Shame Norman Fell and Bea Arthur couldn't play his parents.

Posted by corey3rd at April 14, 2008 10:02 AM

comment #33