Goot Again

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"So I got back to my apartment and I had an epiphany," Steve Guttenberg says to the N.Y. Observer's Spencer Morgan in his second hangin'-with-the-Goot column.

Morgan explains that Guttenberg had been reading Roman history about "how Mark Antony had accidentally led a ship carrying 150 soldiers to an island where they found, to their surprise, 500 enemy soldiers. But instead of allowing his men to flee, Antony burned the ship. And then they won because they had to.

"So I sat on my bed, and across from me was my pile of meaningless phone numbers of women that I've met," he said. "This is 4 in the morning, Wayne Dyer and everybody says 4 in the morning is the time when the world is quietest and it's super-spiritual -- and I said, `The only way I'm going to meet terrific women [is] I have to burn the ship.' So I took this pile of numbers and I went to the incinerator and I blessed all the women and asked them for my soul back. And I blessed it and kissed it, and I threw it down the incinerator."

That's a pretty good epiphany -- seriously. I can count on less than five fingers the times that I've willingly burned the ship in order to free myself from the past and move forward unencumbered. Say what you will about Guttenberg, but these are words of wisdom.

Wait...Guttenberg also says this to Morgan: "A poet said, `Men are dumb, women are evil.' And I think that's partially true. I'm not a commitment-phobe -- I've had girlfriends -- but I am weary of the power of women."

Wells to Guttenberg: What you really mean is, you can't handle the mentality of smart, shrewd, powerful women who are A-plusses, As and A-minuses. If beautiful women who have power and pizazz make you weary and/or bring you down, then you're going to have to accept the idea of partnering with a B or a B-minus. The best women in the world come from that group. That or you're doomed to end up with a hot bimbo, which always leads to thoughts of suicide sooner or later.