edited by Jonathan Doyle

Cloverfield [BLU-RAY] (Paramount Home Entertainment, 6.3.2008) Disguised under deliberately goofy, yet deliciously edible-sounding, aliases such as Cheese and Slusho, Matt Reeves' Cloverfield was produced and rushed into theaters under an equally appetizing shroud of secrecy. From last year's incredibly elusive Super Bowl ad to the film's viral marketing campaign, Cloverfield had everybody scratching their heads and drooling in anticipation. Aside from the as-yet untitled title and the Blair Witch-ian visual style, the film's biggest appeal was the enigmatic creature who was last (un)seen hurling the decapitated head of the Statue of Liberty onto the crowded streets of New York City. All we knew about the mysterious beast was that it was big and angry. Now that the highy-anticipated project has come and gone, one question has fortunately been answered: Cloverfield was a major success. (continued)

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Seeing Hellboy II the other night reminded me that the films of Guillermo del Toro are as good as it gets in the fantastical horror realm. They've got first-class effects, wit, invention, soul, visual economy, emotional gravitas. The monsters are beautifully particular, the performances have warmth and authority, and the camerawork and the cutting are grabby and fast but this side of hyper.

The problem is this, and it's not so much Guillermo's fault as the action-fantasy genre: I'm sick to death of watching stuff getting wrecked and smashed and shattered and blown into a million pieces. I hate the rigid big-studio FX formula that insists upon confrontation and chaos and ruination happening ever 20 or 30 minutes, like some stupid whammy chart. Windows exploded, buildings decimated, cars doing aerial triple-flips, fire hydrants spewing tons of city water, industrial clutter everywhere....what the fuck is this? It's the same shit in every movie, and it vacuums your soul.

What kind of cretin do you have to be to find this stuff interesting after it's been repeated 25 or 30 times? How many times can the dumbest moviegoer out there go "whoa!" after seeing a super-hero wallop a slime-covered monster and send it flying several hundred yards into a building or a wall of glass or a concrete bunker, or vice versa? How many times can the hero take a severe beating to the extent that it looks like he's finished? How many times can a slithering disgusting alien creature try to eat or invade or flatten the heroes? How many times can a moron with a extra-large tub of popcorn in his lap be impressed with loud aural thumpings on the soundtrack?

Guillermo does everything he can to add feeling and humor and humanity to Hellboy II, and he succeeds nicely from time to time, but he's working within a genre that insists upon showing the same shit over and over, no matter what and no end in sight.

I never thought I'd say this, but in this context I'm a Barry Manilow type of guy. I mean that I loved (okay, liked) the sequence in which Ron Perlman's Red and Doug Jones' Abe Sapien drunkenly sing along to Manilow's "Can't Smile Without You." And I'm a pretty big fan of Tecate beer. And I liked the bit with Perlman protecting the baby from the madness and other stuff along these lines.

I'd much rather see a televised dramedy series starring Red, Abe, Selma Blair's Liz Sherman, Jeffrey Tambor's Tom Manning and all the rest of the Del Toro freaks and eccentrics, and made into a kind of Everybody Loves Raymond type deal with monsters showing up maybe once every five or six episodes. If that. Because I really can't stand watching shit being blown up any more. How can people can sit through the same demolition derby in film after film, over and over, year after year? It's insane.

Guillermo knows that I'm much more of a Chronos/Devil's Backbone/Pan's Labyrinth/The Orphanage type of guy and that I just can't roll over for the big-studio stuff. It's always been a big problem for me.

One technical beef: when the giant land-squid monster picks up a Mercedes Benz and squeezes it to death, we should see gallons of gasoline gushing out. Are we supposed to think that the car had no gas in it? I didn't believe it. Maybe Guillermo can fix this effect for the DVD version.

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Posted by Jeffrey Wells on July 3, 2008 at 5:25 PM

comment #1

Mr. Muckle says ...

I once worked editing studies of ways to clean up a former nuclear weapons plant. The same guys who made the bombs had now been set to cleaning up the mess. Since it was a deadly boring and lifeless place, many were into film, and I once mentioned in conversation with a guy that I didn't get the attraction of explosions in film, they just left me flat. Oh, the guy said, I think they're fascinating, to which I thought, oh duh, he's a bomb designer.

I'd like someone to explain human nature to me sometime.

Posted by Mr. Muckle at July 3, 2008 7:24 PM

comment #2

Carl LaFong says ...

"I'd much rather see a televised dramedy series starring Red, Abe, Selma Blair's Liz Sherman, Jeffrey Tambor's Tom Manning and all the rest of the Del Toro freaks and eccentrics, and made into a kind of Everybody Loves Raymond type deal with monsters showing up maybe once every five or six episodes."

Barry Sonnenfeld already did 7 years ago and it was called THE TICK. Only nine episodes were made and the network canned it.

Posted by Carl LaFong at July 3, 2008 7:46 PM

comment #3

The Bandsaw Vigilante says ...

Actually, it was called "ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT."

Posted by The Bandsaw Vigilante at July 3, 2008 8:02 PM

comment #4

CinemaPhreek says ...

Try wrapping your head around this concept then: these films aren't made for you. And as I get older I have to accept the fact that these films aren't being made for me either - because you and I HAVE seen this shit dozens of times before.

But as each new generation arrives, it wants to see this stuff in new films made for them. Only a few films get to be T2, JURASSIC PARK or THE MATRIX where an honest to god "Whoa!" technological leap is made. CGI is 2 decades old now.

Of course, there is a counter argument: what does it matter if the overall story, characters and (this being a Del Toro flick afterall) design are working?

Posted by CinemaPhreek at July 3, 2008 8:33 PM

comment #5

Mgmax says ...

I remember reading something about the end of the first Hellboy movie, and realizing I couldn't actually REMEMBER the end of the first Hellboy movie. I think this was right after I got home from it.

I agree with Jeff, this stuff is pro forma by now. That's why I didn't go to Transformers last year or Hulk 2 this year.

The answer, I think, is go watch Battlestar Galactica, where the space action is surprisingly minimal and all character driven, not let's-top-last-week's-explosions-driven.

Posted by Mgmax at July 3, 2008 8:43 PM

comment #6

MovieBob says ...

Irony (noun):
Deriding the pop-cultural tastes of middle-America while affirmatively dropping a reference to Everybody Loves Raymond.

;)

Y'gotta keep in mind, the key to Hellboy is that, even though it's about horrible monsters and devils and mass-destruction, he's Hell-BOY. At the end of the day, these are movies for young (mostly but not exclusively) boys. So are all the superhero movies, really, no matter what their rating or fanboys say. The genre's target audience are kids and adults still in touch with that part of their psyche, and kids LIKE constant stimulation. Their minds absorb and process information differently.

Such has it ever been. Go back and watch the original Weismuller "Tarzan" movies: Every ten minutes or so there's an animal sequence or a vine-stunt or a fight or some exotic backdrop.

Posted by MovieBob at July 3, 2008 9:09 PM

comment #7

dangovich says ...

It's funny you post this at the time of the year when mouth breathers all over the country light and toss firecrackers again and again and again, all the while with stupid smiles on their faces.

The amount of enjoyment a person gets from stuff blowing up is inversely proportional to their intelligence.

Posted by dangovich at July 3, 2008 9:10 PM

comment #8

Mr. Muckle says ...

And if I DID know Carl LaFong, I wouldn't admit it.

Posted by Mr. Muckle at July 3, 2008 9:15 PM

comment #9

Count Thread says ...

Does Jeff have a mailing address? I'm with Mgmax-- I'd mail Jeff the miniseries/first season set of BSG in a second, just to hear his take on the show.

Hell, he goes and sees crap all the time. Might as well watch something *good*.

Posted by Count Thread at July 3, 2008 9:25 PM

comment #10

supertaster says ...

cinemaphreek has a good point...amazing as that is...

...now I'm just as tired as you, Jeff, of seeing things blow up....I got tired of it way back in the 80s when I was kid and 'MacGyver' showed an explosion between every commercial break...but this IS new and innovative to someone...can you agree, Wells, that maybe there are filmgoers out there who haven't seen this type of shit a million times? That's your single biggest character flaw--your lack of empathy. You act as though the world sees (and SHOULD see) everything through your eyes, colored by your experiences. At the root of every major blowup between you and your readers, it generally comes down to this; your inability to identify with (or even recognize) the feelings and experiences of others.

Think about how miserable air travel is...then think back to the first time you flew. Of course it's awful now, but those first few times it was magical. Today you'd sit there looking at your younger self saying "what's that kid getting so excited about? Doesn't he know that in 5 minutes some tub-o-lard is going to sit next to him and will be spilling over into his seat, and in another 5 minutes a yuppie jitbag is going to be jamming his seat back into his knees?? Grow up kid".

We all get jaded, it's when people lose awareness of it that they become extremely unpleasant to be around.

Posted by supertaster at July 3, 2008 9:26 PM

comment #11

Reedyb says ...

You know, things can blow up in a movie and it still be good.

I love the pulpiness of good "entertainment." There is a difference between Hellboy and Fantastic Four. There is a difference between MI: III and MIL2.

As I've gotten older, I've learned to enjoy the things I enjoy, without having them be guilty pleasures.

Jeff, just understand that those of us who enjoy well made "hero" movies are not all idiots (ok, maybe I am for even writing this), but are fans of a certain genre.

That's it.

Posted by Reedyb at July 3, 2008 9:35 PM

comment #12

btwnproductions says ...

HELLBOY II is terrific, much more of a Del Toro picture than the last one. And Hellboy has misgivings about blowing up creatures of his own ilk, which raises the tone. It's more than just a smash-em-up.

Posted by btwnproductions at July 3, 2008 9:46 PM

comment #13

Terry McCarty says ...

The problem is this, and it's not so much Guillermo's fault as the action-fantasy genre: I'm sick to death of watching stuff getting wrecked and smashed and shattered and blown into a million pieces. I hate the rigid big-studio FX formula that insists upon confrontation and chaos and ruination happening ever 20 or 30 minutes, like some stupid whammy chart. Windows exploded, buildings decimated, cars doing aerial triple-flips, fire hydrants spewing tons of city water, industrial clutter everywhere....what the fuck is this? It's the same shit in every movie, and it vacuums your soul.

My soul was somewhere between vacuumed and steamrollered after I finished watching HANCOCK.

Posted by Terry McCarty at July 3, 2008 10:14 PM

comment #14

CinemaPhreek says ...

And fuck you too

Posted by CinemaPhreek at July 3, 2008 11:47 PM

comment #15

LYT says ...

Here's why I like watching mass destruction onscreen: because I think we're inherently destructive beings, but when I see that enacted in a movie, it hurts no-one.

Real-life mass violence can be a visual spectacle, yet it causes real damage and pain. I abhor such things, but I like to break stuff and see things explode. I also like to imagine a world in which bad guys can be clearly labeled -- as opposed to the shades of gray that exist in reality -- and then destroyed.

There's a danger with people who can't tell the difference. For those who can, it's a vicarious thrill. If I cuss out my boss in real life, I get fired [not why I really got fired, btw]. When James McAvoy does it, he gets to become a super-assassin.

Posted by LYT at July 3, 2008 11:50 PM

comment #16

Legowombat says ...

How many times can the dumbest moviegoer out there go "whoa!" after seeing a super-hero wallop a slime-covered monster and send it flying several hundred yards into a building or a wall of glass or a concrete bunker, or vice versa?

There's some superhero comics that have been doing this for 40+ years now. It's why i could never stand the X-Men - everything ends up with Character X fighting Character Y and no-one really being hurt or dying, (at least pre-1985). Ugh.

Posted by Legowombat at July 4, 2008 1:21 AM

comment #17

diesel says ...

"I remember reading something about the end of the first Hellboy movie, and realizing I couldn't actually REMEMBER the end of the first Hellboy movie. I think this was right after I got home from it."

I bought the Blu-ray about a month or so ago and I can't seem to remember how it ended either...

Posted by diesel at July 4, 2008 2:14 AM

comment #18

moorish says ...

"But as each new generation arrives, it wants to see this stuff in new films made for them. Only a few films get to be T2, JURASSIC PARK or THE MATRIX where an honest to god "Whoa!" technological leap is made."

EXACTLY right, CinemaPhreek. Spot on.

Most people would just stop going to types of movie they don't like. Jeff doesn't have the option.

Posted by moorish at July 4, 2008 2:17 AM

comment #19

LYT says ...

"I bought the Blu-ray about a month or so ago and I can't seem to remember how it ended either..."

Hellboy wins

SPOILER!

Posted by LYT at July 4, 2008 3:00 AM

comment #20

PerfectTommy says ...

I do remember something from the end of Hellboy (I saw it in the theaters and haven't seen it since) - if you waited around long enough you heard Jeffery Tambor crying out mournfully for Hellboy because he had been forgotten in the darkness and left behind. That was kind of funny.

Posted by PerfectTommy at July 4, 2008 5:12 AM

comment #21

corey3rd says ...

there's been a lot of coverage on people running out of gas and getting stuck on the highway. Chances are that after sending in the monthly payment for the Mercedes, they don't have enough cash to fill up the tank.

Posted by corey3rd at July 4, 2008 5:23 AM

comment #22

MDOC says ...

Hellboy was boring and unmemorable. I was underwhelemed in the theatre, I bought the DVD like a good nerd and couldn't even make it through a second time (I embody the target demo, I have watched Blade 2 twenty times and I am the only person I ever met that liked the League of Extraordinary Gentleman).
My tastes aside, clearly the only reason HB2 exists is because Guilermo del Toro had the clout and passion to push it through. It's a shame he didn't have the passion for something that more than 100 people care about. The only reason Hellboy has any buzz is because the Hollywood press loves Guilermo, and granted he deserves it or at least has worked for it by pressing the flesh with the geeks and wanna bes.
In the real world, absolutely nobody cares about Hellboy 2. The tracking reflects this and the box office will follow. It's a shame Guilermo could not have channeled his creative energy into a product people want to see like Ghost Rider. Of course we laugh when Ghost Rider is mentioned, but it was a property people cared about. The worst movie version of the character imaginable grossed 115 million. A quality product at the same budget could have doubled that. I guess we are getting the populist del Toro vision with The Hobbit, but you have to wonder to what extent Jackson will wield creative control. When I see a Hellboy 2 ad all I can think is that a talented filmaker in his prime threw 2 years of his life away on a bad property. It's a shame. Doesn't this guy have management?

Posted by MDOC at July 4, 2008 7:41 AM

comment #23

p.Vice says ...

Hellboy saves a baby? That's not, like, ripped off from Hard-Boiled or anything, is it?

Posted by p.Vice at July 4, 2008 7:56 AM

comment #24

Bocephus says ...

A complete print of Lang's Metropolis has been discovered containing all the scenes cut by Paramount to make the film more "accessible."

http://film.guardian.co.uk/news/story/0,,2288990,00.html#article_continue

Posted by Bocephus at July 4, 2008 7:58 AM

comment #25

EOTW says ...

Wells: Just finished listening to your GDT interview. Really good. Except for your "melting over Obama" fluff, it was all good. Nice to see a celebrity refrain from political masturbation.

Nothing wrong with admitting that you feel too older or not in vibe with the fantasy/comic genre. I feel the same way towards most of these films and that way about almost ALL music/TV/whatever.

Posted by EOTW at July 4, 2008 8:10 AM

comment #26