edited by Jonathan Doyle

Cloverfield [BLU-RAY] (Paramount Home Entertainment, 6.3.2008) Disguised under deliberately goofy, yet deliciously edible-sounding, aliases such as Cheese and Slusho, Matt Reeves' Cloverfield was produced and rushed into theaters under an equally appetizing shroud of secrecy. From last year's incredibly elusive Super Bowl ad to the film's viral marketing campaign, Cloverfield had everybody scratching their heads and drooling in anticipation. Aside from the as-yet untitled title and the Blair Witch-ian visual style, the film's biggest appeal was the enigmatic creature who was last (un)seen hurling the decapitated head of the Statue of Liberty onto the crowded streets of New York City. All we knew about the mysterious beast was that it was big and angry. Now that the highy-anticipated project has come and gone, one question has fortunately been answered: Cloverfield was a major success. (continued)

Upcoming

August 27

Traitor

August 29

Babylon AD

College

Disaster Movie

Goal II: Living the Dream

I Served the King of England

My Mexican Shivah

Sukiyaki Western Django

Year of the Fish

Young People F*cking

September 3

The Pool

September 5

A Secret

August Evening

Bangkok Dangerous

Everybody Wants to Be Italian

Mister Foe

Ping Pong Playa

Save Me

Surfer, Dude

Not For Us

email this story
read comments (16)
post a comment

The boat sailed on this Michael Bay/rejected Dark Knight script parody four or five days ago. It may as well have been posted last May. The world has moved on. But it's funny so here it is anyway. Posted by Jared on www.spill.com.

Epater la bourgeoisie<< previous | next >>Quiet, Tender, Ultra-Wide

Posted by Jeffrey Wells on July 8, 2008 at 5:14 PM

comment #1

btwnproductions says ...

If the spelling were at a third-grade level, I'd believe this to be a Michael Bay original.

Posted by btwnproductions at July 8, 2008 5:48 PM

comment #2

Gabriel says ...

Pretty funny. It's no Quotey - but I laughed quite a bit.

Posted by Gabriel at July 8, 2008 6:17 PM

comment #3

The Bandsaw Vigilante says ...

Probably my favorite bit in that "script" -- so subtle, you almost miss it completely -- is in the very first paragraph:

"An American flag (CGI) flies proudly in the central courtyard."

The entire thing reads like something straight off of The Official Ninja Website.

Posted by The Bandsaw Vigilante at July 8, 2008 7:29 PM

comment #4

MadCrazyMovieHouse says ...

The best part is: "She is the hottest woman in the world, but she wears glasses because she is also the smartest woman in the world." That closing sentence is really great too.

Posted by MadCrazyMovieHouse at July 8, 2008 7:46 PM

comment #5

actionman says ...

boring and obvious to be honest

Posted by actionman at July 8, 2008 7:51 PM

comment #6

Chris Willman says ...

Obvious and a little off, since Bay doesn't let any of his shots last long enough to indulge in that much slow-motion.

Posted by Chris Willman at July 8, 2008 8:26 PM

comment #7

Chase Kahn says ...

That's seriously hilarious. I love the "she's the hottest woman in the world, but she wears glasses..." bit. It's sadly not far off from how TRANSFORMERS 2 opens....

actionman...did you actually see the worst movie ever, TRANSFORMERS, the whole thing is in slow-motion...

Posted by Chase Kahn at July 8, 2008 8:44 PM

comment #8

allstar397 says ...

Thought it was pretty damn funny....

for even more laughs read the comments section.....the most humorous are 1) the people who are actually considering the fact that this is real 2) the people trying to sound smart by telling everybody that its not.

Posted by allstar397 at July 8, 2008 9:50 PM

comment #9

JaySmack says ...

Of course the script isn't real. A real Michael Bay script would have opened with a bunch of helicopters flying (nowhere in particular) and slo-mo scenes of military guys marching (nowhere in particular) and GI's standing guard in front of a gate or wall, doing nothing in particular and more panning shots than you could shake a stick at.

Michael Bay has single-handedly taken cinema and turned it from an often dim-mitted but occasionally enjoyable experience to an utter embarrassment.
He ran all the adults out, and made the theater a haven for doorling morons who cheer for fart jokes and "hot" chicks on screen.

Hope next time he does one of his helicopter scenes the pilot "accidently" lands the bird on him.

Posted by JaySmack at July 9, 2008 6:42 AM

comment #10

Rich S. says ...

Say what you will: it still would have been better than Batman and Robin.

Posted by Rich S. at July 9, 2008 7:01 AM

comment #11

actionman says ...

yes, Chase, I did see Transformers.

I loved it.

Posted by actionman at July 9, 2008 7:13 AM

comment #12

Walter says ...

"She is the hottest woman in the world, but she wears glasses because she is also the smartest woman in the world."

Uma Thurman in Batman & Robin?

Pretty funny. Favorite bit:
GENERAL: Which one of the internets do we hack?
BRUCE: All of them.

Posted by Walter at July 9, 2008 8:00 AM

comment #13

breadlymoore says ...

Didn't they already do this "lost screenplay" joke with Diablo Cody back in December?

Posted by breadlymoore at July 9, 2008 9:45 AM

comment #14

D.Z. says ...

breadly: I'm guessing it's the newest trend after those fake movie commercials. Well, actually, I saw a fake Sith script from Something Awful which originated long before that trend...

Posted by D.Z. at July 9, 2008 11:17 AM

comment #15