edited by Jonathan Doyle

Cloverfield [BLU-RAY] (Paramount Home Entertainment, 6.3.2008) Disguised under deliberately goofy, yet deliciously edible-sounding, aliases such as Cheese and Slusho, Matt Reeves' Cloverfield was produced and rushed into theaters under an equally appetizing shroud of secrecy. From last year's incredibly elusive Super Bowl ad to the film's viral marketing campaign, Cloverfield had everybody scratching their heads and drooling in anticipation. Aside from the as-yet untitled title and the Blair Witch-ian visual style, the film's biggest appeal was the enigmatic creature who was last (un)seen hurling the decapitated head of the Statue of Liberty onto the crowded streets of New York City. All we knew about the mysterious beast was that it was big and angry. Now that the highy-anticipated project has come and gone, one question has fortunately been answered: Cloverfield was a major success. (continued)

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People's Julie Jordan and Karen Snyder had obviously heard that relations between the engaged Robert Rodriguez and Rose McGowan weren't all that smooth, which is why they called around before the July 4th holiday. "Sources" told them the director and actress are still together, and McGowan's rep said her client will star in three of her fiance's upcoming projects -- Barbarella, Red Sonja and Woman in Chains! -- "despite reports to the contrary."

It is written on stone tablets that a lovestruck director will hold on to his actress girlfriend/wife as long as he "does" for her. If the projects they team on don't happen or don't make money, sooner or later she'll push on to the next guy. It's that simple. Fiercely ambitious, marginally talented actresses are not human, of course, and I'm not the only one to have detected the whiff of an idea over the years that McGowan is a bit of a Jezebel. So it's really just a matter of fate and time. Life is hard then you die.

That said, the project I'd most like to see is the chicks-behind-bars movie. As long as there's a little lezbo action and as long as McGowan and a couple of fellow prisoners escape at the end of Act Two. Barbarella could be cool, but some studio suits reportedly don't believe that McGowan is enough of a star to justify a big special-effects budget. Red Sonja didn't work the first time around so why go there?

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Posted by Jeffrey Wells on July 6, 2008 at 3:53 PM

comment #1

corey3rd says ...

What does this say about a woman that creatively inspires a director to remake 3 different movies. Two of those films were box office flops and one was a TV movie. Talk about coasting on fumes. Maybe Robert can also remake CutThroat Island with her.

Did this guy really kiss away half of his life to remake Red Sonja? This slate almost sounds like revenge from Robert's ex-wife. Or is it merely Robert admitting, "I'm tapped out creatively."

Posted by corey3rd at July 6, 2008 4:32 PM

comment #2

BurmaShave says ...

Any chance they'll also remake Jack Abramoff's RED SCORPION?

Posted by BurmaShave at July 6, 2008 4:42 PM

comment #3

gruver1 says ...

Wells to Corey: Likeable and nice-guyish as Rodiguez is known to be, the fact is that he's been a genre wallower all his career. Nothing from the heart, no movies conveying any impressions of his own about the complexity or unfairness or wonder of life....nothing faintly close to the personal cinema of, say, Roman Polanksi making The Pianist or Sam Fuller making Park Row. Rodriguez has always been and always will be a B-movie wanker. In love with style, FX, surfaces and spicy-hot women in sexy underwear. Once in his career, once, he's underplayed it nicely and injected a certain something underneath -- in '92's El Mariachi, his second film. There were things going on in that movie that weren't explicitly stated or performed but implied. He's never achieved anything like this since. A hack all the way.

Posted by gruver1 at July 6, 2008 4:44 PM

comment #4

Richardson says ...

I'm not great fan of Rodriguez, but I do think his movies are oddly personal in a way. Putting aside the "making movies with my kids" trilogy, his movies are movies about the movies he loves. It's a shallow thing, but it's kind of personal.

Posted by Richardson at July 6, 2008 4:52 PM

comment #5

actionman says ...

Rodriguez should abandon all three of the films mentioned above, as they'll all likely suck and bomb at the box office.

Sin City 2 should be the one he's working on next...

McGowan has some sweet tits...that's about it I'm afraid.

Posted by actionman at July 6, 2008 5:21 PM

comment #6

Mcflyboy says ...

His homegrown attitude toward filmmaking is infectious so I've seen all his films (excluding the Spy Kids sequels). But at this point its clear that Rodriguez is a pretty godawful screenwriter, and he's not a much better director. From Dusk Till Dawn is his only good film and that's more cause of Tarantino's batshit insane script and Clooney's terrific performance. I mean aside from some flashes in his Coen collaborations, Clooney has never been so fun and interesting on screen. I guess back then he had something to prove.

Posted by Mcflyboy at July 6, 2008 5:22 PM

comment #7

Legowombat says ...

Wow. I was into trashy B-Movies when i was younger, but none of those movies are crying for a remake, and I'd have little interest even if they were.

It seems i'm doomed to a constant cycle of people returning to source material i've long since processed and discarded.

Posted by Legowombat at July 6, 2008 5:34 PM

comment #8

MilkMan says ...

Rose McGowan = Magical Poontang.
And that's the long and short of it. A story as old as man.
Rpdriguez should take inspiration from Jeff Koons and embark on a body of work similar to what Koons did with Ciccolina.

Posted by MilkMan at July 6, 2008 5:42 PM

comment #9

corey3rd says ...

What's the point of wanting to be the next Jim Wynorski?

Posted by corey3rd at July 6, 2008 5:48 PM

comment #10

D.Z. says ...

Jeff: Why should McGowan take the blame for Rodriguez being a slut?

Posted by D.Z. at July 6, 2008 6:05 PM

comment #11

DarthCorleone says ...

Yeah, just make Sin City 2 please.

Posted by DarthCorleone at July 6, 2008 7:11 PM

comment #12

cm65 says ...

No, actionman, you are mistaken. McGowan has more than just sweet tits. She also has a sweet ass. Have you forgotten the awards-show dress she once wore when she was with Marilyn Manson? She almost might as well have been naked. Those images are seared, SEARED into my brain.

Posted by cm65 at July 6, 2008 7:36 PM

comment #13

The Bandsaw Vigilante says ...

"What's the point of wanting to be the next Jim Wynorski?"

Hey, don't knock the 'Norski. Fucker gave us DEATHSTALKER 2.

Seriously, though, is it a crime for me to think that the greatest piece of filmmaking Rodriguez has put out in the past ten years was the MACHETE "trailer"?

Wish he'd make that flick.

Posted by The Bandsaw Vigilante at July 6, 2008 7:42 PM

comment #14

D.Z. says ...

Bandsaw: He's supposed to be making it for home video.

Posted by D.Z. at July 6, 2008 8:04 PM

comment #15

corey3rd says ...

I don't mean to completely knock Jim Wynorski. The guy gave us Chopping Mall and my brother worked on a few of his Corman delights.

And I'm not going to go all high and mighty. Right now I'm enjoying 16 Crown International epics that cost about $10.This might also be the same as the budget. There's nothing wrong with making a Crown International classic - but don't spend $50 million remaking a $50,000 film. How long does it really take a man to make a Woman behind Bars flick? Robert should have been able to knock it out during the 4th weekend. A couple cells, a shower room and a kitchen - and the movie is wrapped.

Posted by corey3rd at July 6, 2008 9:27 PM

comment #16

Nick29 says ...

I didn't realize he was three steps from becoming Roger Corman. All he needs to do is stop directing and hire some film students He's got everything he needs to make this happen. Listen to one of his commentary tracks and ya gotta figure the guy could teach a monkey how to direct. If all he wants to do is play around with midnite flicks, then I'd rather see him do things that way. The lack of a Corman-like figure in Hollywood might just be what we're missing. Someone that knows how to make a bad flick seem intresting ,,, on a budget. Isn't that what all the studios are doing now anyway? RR could lead the charge.

Posted by Nick29 at July 6, 2008 9:39 PM

comment #17

Carl LaFong says ...

Jim Wynorski also edited a terrific anthology called "THEY CAME FROM OUTER SPACE: 12 Classic Science Fiction Tales That Became Major Motion Pictures" back in 1980. Has the original short stories that went on to be pictures such as THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL and THE THING FROM ANOTHER WORLD and a bunch of more obscure ones like THE TENTH VICTIM and INVASION OF THE SAUCER MEN. It's a bit of a stretch calling them "major motion pictures", but it's interesting that Jim had this literary bent...

These and other interesting books are available at your local library or bookstore. Visit them; they'll be happy to help you "read more about it"...

Posted by Carl LaFong at July 6, 2008 9:58 PM

comment #18

insidah says ...

Wow, he is pussy whipped by a woman who, let's face it, has both aged and had some unflattering work done...she does NOT look the same as she did in SCREAM. This guy's ex-wife will have the last laugh when he dumps Rose for a newer piece of whoring ass. Troublemaker indeed.

Posted by insidah at July 6, 2008 10:46 PM

comment #19

Richardson says ...

"Seriously, though, is it a crime for me to think that the greatest piece of filmmaking Rodriguez has put out in the past ten years was the MACHETE "trailer"?

"Wish he'd make that flick."

If he does, Rose McGowan is going to play Machete.

Posted by Richardson at July 6, 2008 10:46 PM

comment #20

Count Thread says ...

Perhaps the only time in history where Danny Z made an accurate statement. If anything, this was Rodriguez letting his pants get in the way of his judgment.

Five kids left behind for TV-grade talentless pussy.

Actually, that kind of moral judgment makes me think he's EXACTLY like Roman Polanski.

Posted by Count Thread at July 7, 2008 6:31 AM

comment #21

corey3rd says ...

Rose is probably already plotting to get into Robert Osbourne's pants. Get some TCM lovin'

Posted by corey3rd at July 7, 2008 8:15 AM

comment #22

MickTravis says ...

Corey, she may hit a wall there. I could be wrong but I don't think he finds what she has to offer, err, essential.

Posted by MickTravis at July 7, 2008 8:21 AM

comment #23

Dave Polands Gut says ...

Rodriguez is one of the worst directors going today. Name me one movie that has been even just good. He's the worst kind of director. he's boring

Posted by Dave Polands Gut at July 7, 2008 8:28 AM

comment #24

Spacesheik says ...

Another over-hyped, mediocre pussywhipped Director who thinks his wife is Helen fucking Hayes.

What else is new in Hollywood.

Posted by Spacesheik at July 7, 2008 12:38 PM

comment #25

Malone says ...

WOW. A Jim Wynorski reference!

I had dinner once with Jim and Raven de la Croix at the Playboy Club in Century City.

WOW...

Posted by Malone at July 7, 2008 12:49 PM

comment #26

D.Z. says ...

Count: I think R.R. was a cad, but I wouldn't compare him to Polanski, since he didn't have to drug McGowan to score, and she was legal [and developed].

Posted by D.Z. at July 7, 2008 1:05 PM

comment #27

MovieBob says ...

"Genre-wallower," yeegh...

This is what people STILL don't get about Rodriguez and Tarantino's generational-subset of filmmakers: These ARE their "personal films." For better or worse, these guys are creatures of the cinema blood-in and blood-out - the very same mental/spiritual impulse that drives Herzog to the end of the world and Malick.. um, well, deeper up his own ass, really... drives THEM to cult movies. It's who they are.

Posted by MovieBob at July 7, 2008 9:38 PM

comment #28

Bob Violence says ...

"Cinephilia is a lack of ambition" --somebody

Posted by Bob Violence at July 8, 2008 6:18 AM

comment #29

Richardson says ...

"the very same mental/spiritual impulse that drives Herzog to the end of the world and Malick.. um, well, deeper up his own ass, really... drives THEM to cult movies."

I think the explanation makes more sense when compared to any given '70's director, because the '70's is the point when American movies became much more about movies than anything else. Tarantino and Rodriguez (and others) are the generation brought up on '70's-movies-as-classics, so it makes sense that their movies about movies use the '70's as a jumping off point.

Posted by Richardson at July 8, 2008 1:41 PM