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Dane Cook deserves points for fearlessly ripping into Lionsgate's My Best Friend's Girl poster on his MySpace page, and for being funny in the bargain. "Although I'm not a marketing major, I have a bit of a trusted reputation after 18 years [of] self promoting," he begins. "I'd like to inform you I had no say in this marketing campaign, but if I did, things would be different since it is obvious that this poster is boring / odd and has zero to do with the movie I performed in.
"Here are a few things that truly blow about my upcoming movie poster to promote the release of the film opening on September 19th:
"1. Graphics: Whoever photoshopped our poster must have done so at taser point with 3 minutes to fulfill their hostage takers' deranged obligations. They should have called Donnie Hoyle and had him give a tutorial using 'You Suck at Photoshop' templates. This is so glossy it makes Entertainment Weekly look wooden.
"2. My head: The left side of my face seems to be melting off of my skull. I guess I am looking directly into the Ark of the Covenant? Are they going for the bells palsy thing here? My left side looks like Brittany [sic] Spears' vagina. [It's spelled Britney.]
"3. The Stare: My character apparently has fallen in love with a strand of Kate Hudson's hair. Kate's mannequin is desperately in love with the inside of my right ear while Jason Biggs is half stunned, half corsage.
"4. Lips: It looks like I'm wearing Maybelline Water Shine Diamonds Liquid Lipstick. My character's name is now Winter Solstice and I'm a hooker with a heart of gold. Jason is my floral carrying pimp, while Kate is my first trick!
"5. Fashion: My character is sporting a very high collar. I mean, damn they should be snow capped at that altitude. It's going for the vampire lurking in the castle basement vibe. An Olympic pole vaulter would have a tough go clearing that collar. I'm also able to turn my head comfortably 180 degrees, because I was raised in an abandoned barn by a family of owls."
Posted by Jeffrey Wells on August 12, 2008 at 4:41 PM
comment #1
p.Vice says ...
But does he actually indicate the movie is better than the one implied by the poster, or just different somehow?
Posted by p.Vice at August 12, 2008 5:05 PM
comment #2
MilkMan says ...
Yeah, does it make a difference in what way your movie sucks, or just how that suckitude it presented. If Cook was so concerned about how he and his work came across to the general public, he wouldn't have banked his career on stolen material.
Posted by MilkMan at August 12, 2008 5:09 PM
comment #3
MilkMan says ...
Actually, I don't really know anything about Dane Cook, except that his face makes me want to take a piss into the trash can under my desk, so disregard that last comment, please.
Posted by MilkMan at August 12, 2008 5:13 PM
comment #4
Richardson says ...
"and for being funny inthe bargain."
Why did you cut the funny parts out? The version you posted here isn't funny at all.
Posted by Richardson at August 12, 2008 5:29 PM
comment #5
GlassFamily says ...
Please don't encourage him, Wells.
Posted by GlassFamily at August 12, 2008 5:31 PM
comment #6
Craptastic says ...
I believe this is the first time Dane Cook and "funny" have been used in the same sentence.
Now if you had used "hacky joke thief", that'd be a different story.
Posted by Craptastic at August 12, 2008 5:32 PM
comment #7
Balthazar says ...
Props to Dane Cook for self-deprecating humor. About half of what he wrote there was pretty funny. Anything with a Fortress of Solitude reference gets a thumbs up.
Posted by Balthazar at August 12, 2008 5:36 PM
comment #8
Geoff says ...
I'm not a Dane Cook fan, but that was really funny. Maybe it's the mood I'm in, but he made me laugh out loud.
Posted by Geoff at August 12, 2008 5:44 PM
comment #9
StanGrossman says ...
Congrats Wells, you just praised the comedic wit of a guy who personifies everything you hate. Dane Cook is a far worse offense to the movie going public than the schlubs (e.g. Rogen, Segal) that offend your delicate sensibilities...
Posted by StanGrossman at August 12, 2008 6:02 PM
comment #10
Rich S. says ...
The guy spends about 2000 words raving about the Philistines, and then praises the wit of Dane Cook. Just when you think you know a guy....
Posted by Rich S. at August 12, 2008 6:17 PM
comment #11
EOTW says ...
MM, FTW (for the second comment, clearly)!!!
Posted by EOTW at August 12, 2008 6:49 PM
comment #12
Richardson says ...
Stan - Wells likes the fact that Dane Cook spends all his time on upkeep and grooming. But he spends so much time on that, he has no time to write anything, or learn how to be funny, the way that the schlubs do. It's like Jeff is back in high school, knowing he'll never be funny, but pining for the "cool kid" table.
Posted by Richardson at August 12, 2008 7:04 PM
comment #13
Josh Massey says ...
This post fails after just four words.
Posted by Josh Massey at August 12, 2008 7:52 PM
comment #14
vp19 says ...
Dane, whomever designed the poster probably hated your awful postseason baseball commercials last year (and I don't blame them), so consider it payback.
Posted by vp19 at August 12, 2008 8:14 PM
comment #15
Aladdin Sane says ...
I am offended by this tasteless & unfunny post. And WTF Wells? Why are on Cook's myspace page?
Posted by Aladdin Sane at August 12, 2008 9:11 PM
comment #16
Hickenlooper says ...
The Russians have invaded Georgia. We are headed towards another cold war showdown on top of the mess in the Middle East. How is this interesting or even noteworthy? This is naval gazing of the most profound kind.
Posted by Hickenlooper at August 12, 2008 11:12 PM
comment #17
Rothchild says ...
That poster is not for this movie:
http://www.mybestfriendsgirlmovie.com/aol/redband.html
It makes no sense. I hate Dane Cook and he's totally right. I watched ten minutes total between Employee of the Month and Good Luck Chuck, and I'd do anything to have them back...but this does look mildly amusing. And it certainly has not tonal connection with that bullshit romcom poster.
Posted by Rothchild at August 13, 2008 1:02 AM
comment #18
Jack Price says ...
I'm right there with you Hickenlooper. The repercussions are terrifying and immediate, yet only BBC has placed the conflict front and center. You have to spend a good thirty seconds on the CNN website before you can even find any text related to Georgia.
Posted by Jack Price at August 13, 2008 1:24 AM
comment #19
transmogrifier says ...
I guess Cook is good-looking and in shape enough to get away with being a moron in Wells books.
Posted by transmogrifier at August 13, 2008 1:58 AM
comment #20
High Chaparral says ...
Poor Wells. He posts about politics, he gets told "THIS IS A MOVIE BLOG!". He posts miscellany about some crappy movie, he gets "BE THE CONSCIENCE OF THE WESTERN WORLD!".
Posted by High Chaparral at August 13, 2008 3:17 AM
comment #21
nola says ...
Jason Biggs and Dane Cook in a movie together?
Why? How does Dane Cook have a movie career? Someone please explain it to me.
Posted by nola at August 13, 2008 5:13 AM
comment #22
Jay T. says ...
The trailer is a hell of a lot better than the poster, that's for sure...
Posted by Jay T. at August 13, 2008 8:39 AM
comment #23
dangovich says ...
The Russians have invaded Georgia. We are headed towards another cold war showdown on top of the mess in the Middle East. How is this interesting or even noteworthy? This is naval gazing of the most profound kind.
So every site on the Internet must weigh in on that issue? Jeez, lighten up.
Posted by dangovich at August 13, 2008 11:10 AM
comment #24
MilkMan says ...
Hickenlooper:
You have every right to be shocked and frightened. Thank god the U.S.A. would never invade a sovereign country and commence with a reign of terror in order to a) expand it's markets, and b) grab the oil for itself. At least we have some sense of decorum.
Posted by MilkMan at August 13, 2008 11:18 AM
comment #25
Strangeways says ...
THAT was really funny?
Really?
Let me guess; you're a Family Guy/Will Farrell kind of 'comedy' lover aren't you? Or is it more of a Sinbad/George Lopez/Carrot Top kind of thing?
Posted by Strangeways at August 13, 2008 11:39 AM
comment #26
Meegosh says ...
I happen to enjoy Family Guy and Will Farrell (SNL and Anchorman anyway) and I didn't chuckle at that once. So he must be a Carot Top kind of guy.
Posted by Meegosh at August 13, 2008 3:27 PM
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