Invisible Subtitle Game

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Movie titles with a secondary subtitle -- titles like Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me, Robin Hood: Men in Tights and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo -- usually indicate mediocrity or at least uncertainty on the part of the distributor. But the practice suggests an interesting riddle game. The idea is to come up with a tight and expressive subtitle that indicates what the movie delivers (or seems to promise) on a primal popcorn level.

Example: In discussing Truman Capote's In Cold Blood some 35 years ago, Tom Wolfe claimed that a key line came when Dick Hickock said to Perry Smith prior to their fateful visit to the Clutter home, "Honey, we're gonna blast hair all over them walls." Wolfe concluded that "hair on the walls" was the invisible subtitle of In Cold Blood -- the book as well as the film. So the the title in the poster would naturally read as follows:

Richard Brooks' IN COLD BLOOD: Hair on the Walls

The game is a lot tougher than it seems. The subtitle has to say it just right in a kind of haiku way. Simpleton example: The Wizard of Oz: No Place Like Home. The campiest and most emotional movies are the easiest to figure. Gone With The Wind: Waitin' There Like A Spider. (Alternate: Gone With The Wind: Never Be Hungry Again.) Or Mommie Dearest: No Wire Hangers!

But what, for example, would the subtitle of Mamma Mia be? Twilight? Laurence Olivier's Hamlet ('48)? Lina Wertmueller's Seven Beauties? Au Hasard, Balthazar? Spartacus? All About Eve? All The President's Men? It's hard. Choose any movie title in the world but make it good. Nothing stupid or coarse. Nothing along the lines of Reservoir Dogs: Ear-Slice With Me.

True confession: Years ago in a West Hollywood bar I ran into the famous Scott Wilson, who played Hickock in the 1967 film version of In Cold Blood. I've always regretted not going up to his table and asking him sign a napkin with the words "Scott Wilson -- hair on the walls." I wimped out, of course, thinking he'd probably be offended. That was probably the right thing to do, but I've felt badly for years that I didn't do this. Why is that? I've made mistakes in life, but who hasn't? The thing that won't leave you alone are the things you chickened out on -- the things that might have been.

Fat Cut for Avi<< previous | next >>Do As You Will

Posted by Jeffrey Wells on October 15, 2008 at 1:01 PM

comment #1

Mr. Peel says ...

All the Presiden'ts Men: Nothing's Riding On This.

Fire Walk With Me is actually a great subtitle and Men in Tights gets away with it because it's a spoof (forget that the movie isn't any good) but secondary titles like The Quickening and Cruise Control deserve all the scorn you can give them.

Posted by Mr. Peel at October 15, 2008 1:11 PM

comment #2

Sean says ...

Your opening three examples are not great examples. Twin Peaks needs the subtitle to differentiate it from the TV show; Robin Hood needs the subtitle for the joke; Breakin' 2 needs the subtitle 'cause it's all it's got going for it.

The obvious subtitle for Spartacus is Spartacus: I Am Spartacus, which seems to say nothing but, you learn, says everything.

Posted by Sean at October 15, 2008 1:12 PM

comment #3

Rich S. says ...

It is harder than it seems. You need a short title, but not a one-word title.

How about:

The Empire Strikes Back: Oedipus Wrecks!

Posted by Rich S. at October 15, 2008 1:13 PM

comment #4

PrinceGnarles says ...

To honor Oliver Stone, who I saw at Pret A Manger on 6th and 47th a few hours ago, wearing a striking bright blue blazer - Wall Street: Greed is Good

Posted by PrinceGnarles at October 15, 2008 1:13 PM

comment #5

cinecatastrophe says ...

All the President's Men: Tit Caught in a Big Fat Wringer

Posted by cinecatastrophe at October 15, 2008 1:13 PM

comment #6

Mr. Peel says ...

Incidentally, on one of the Hot Fuzz commentaries Edgar Wright says that Universal wanted to add a secondary title onto that film, so that lends some credence to the uncertainty theory.

Posted by Mr. Peel at October 15, 2008 1:15 PM

comment #7

Sean says ...

Au Hasard Balthazar: I Will Bury Them All

Posted by Sean at October 15, 2008 1:18 PM

comment #8

gruver1 says ...

Wells to Rich S., cinetastrophe, and Prince Gnarles: These are all excellent -- exactly what I'm talking about. I could actually imagine Wall Street having gone out with that subtitle.

Posted by gruver1 at October 15, 2008 1:20 PM

comment #9

Joel says ...

Hot Fuzz: Ever fired your gun in the air and yelled, 'Aaaaaaah?'

Posted by Joel at October 15, 2008 1:25 PM

comment #10

alan says ...

The Chronicles of Rome: I Am Spartacus
Hamlet: Man in Tights

Posted by alan at October 15, 2008 1:25 PM

comment #11

alvysinger says ...

Barton Fink: I'll Show You the Life of the Mind!
Ishtar: Telling the Truth Can be Dangerous Business
Hamlet: Perchance to Dream
Blue Velvet: Heineken! Fuck that Shit!

Posted by alvysinger at October 15, 2008 1:31 PM

comment #12

televisiontears says ...

I think I'd prefer "2001: Beyond the Infinite", though the real title is more popcorn-ready.

I know you said nothing stupid, but I need to drop Zack Galifianakis' screenplay "Schindler's List 2: Let's Get This Party Started".

Posted by televisiontears at October 15, 2008 1:32 PM

comment #13

Jeremy Smith says ...

Hamlet: Flights of Angels

Posted by Jeremy Smith at October 15, 2008 1:33 PM

comment #14

televisiontears says ...

alvysinger, one of the first ones that popped in my head was "Blue Velvet: PABST BLUE RIBBON!!!"

Posted by televisiontears at October 15, 2008 1:35 PM

comment #15

Teacher's Pets says ...

JFK: Back...and to the Left

Posted by Teacher's Pets at October 15, 2008 1:36 PM

comment #16

gruver1 says ...

Wells to Teacher's Pets: Best one of all so far.

Posted by gruver1 at October 15, 2008 1:42 PM

comment #17

Jay says ...

Maybe this is coarse, but it is the heart of the film

JFK: The fucking shooters don't even know!

River's Edge: I was in love

Posted by Jay at October 15, 2008 1:42 PM

comment #18

p.Vice says ...

Crash: You and Me and Everyone's a Racist

Posted by p.Vice at October 15, 2008 1:45 PM

comment #19

p.Vice says ...

Ooh, here's another good one:

Black Hawk Down: Droppin' Skinnies [original suggestion edited by Jeffrey Wells ]

Posted by p.Vice at October 15, 2008 1:47 PM

comment #20

Teacher's Pets says ...

Jarhead: The Pink Mist

Posted by Teacher's Pets at October 15, 2008 1:56 PM

comment #21

bmcintire says ...

The Shining: For Ever and Ever and Ever

BTW - So long, p.Vice!

Posted by bmcintire at October 15, 2008 1:57 PM

comment #22

GLee2112 says ...

The Right Stuff: Fuckin' A, Bubba!

Posted by GLee2112 at October 15, 2008 1:58 PM

comment #23

The Hoyk says ...

The Hours: I'm Dying in This Town

Performance: The One That Achieves Madness

The Warriors: Come Out and Play

Wayne's World: Sheeyah, Right!

Office Space: What's...Happening?

Barbarians at the Gate: We're Talking Fuck Everybody Money

Sweet Smell of Success: A Cookie Full of Arsenic

Posted by The Hoyk at October 15, 2008 1:58 PM

comment #24

Jeremy Smith says ...

The Deer Hunter: One Shot

Posted by Jeremy Smith at October 15, 2008 1:59 PM

comment #25

Jason says ...

Schindler's List: [Deleted for bad taste]

Posted by Jason at October 15, 2008 2:07 PM

comment #26

gruver1 says ...

Wells to Jason: That's in bad taste. I'm going to have to delete this one.

Posted by gruver1 at October 15, 2008 2:29 PM

comment #27

sutter kane says ...

Jaws: You're Gonna Need a Bigger Boat

Close Encounters of the Third Kind: This Means Something

Posted by sutter kane at October 15, 2008 2:34 PM

comment #28

Josh Massey says ...

A John McTiernan triple feature:

Predator: Get to the Choppah
Die Hard: Fists With Your Toes
The Hunt For Red October: Episode I - One Ping Only

Posted by Josh Massey at October 15, 2008 2:51 PM

comment #29

Jason says ...

Jason to Wells: And "Hair on the Well" is in good taste? Next time, just delete the whole damn thing.

For those of you with imagination, the subtitle was a pun on "No Kid Left Behind."

Sheesh.

Posted by Jason at October 15, 2008 2:53 PM

comment #30

115thDreamer says ...

Network: A Big-Titted Hit!

Being There: He Likes To Watch

The Conversation: Red, Red Robin....

All 70s stuff - I don't know if that means anything.

Posted by 115thDreamer at October 15, 2008 2:57 PM

comment #31

chicagodad says ...

Marathon Man: Is it Safe?

Godfather: Leave the Gun, Take the Cannoli

Posted by chicagodad at October 15, 2008 2:58 PM

comment #32

Cadavra says ...

W: Orst President Ever.

Posted by Cadavra at October 15, 2008 2:59 PM

comment #33

chicagodad says ...

Patton: You Magnificent Bastard

Posted by chicagodad at October 15, 2008 3:06 PM

comment #34

Jason says ...

Cadavra: Heh.

I'm taking a mulligan.

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner: That One
Munich: You Don't Mess with the Zion

Posted by Jason at October 15, 2008 3:08 PM

comment #35

UnChien says ...

Good Will Hunting: How Do You Like Them Apples?

United 93: Let's Roll

There Will Be Blood: Draaiinaaage!!!

Posted by UnChien at October 15, 2008 3:12 PM

comment #36

JaySmire says ...

The Big Lebowski: The dude abides.

The Hours: The nose plays.

There will be blood: And milkshakes too!
.

Posted by JaySmire at October 15, 2008 3:21 PM

comment #37

dangovich says ...

Glengarry Glen Ross: Third Prize Is You're Fired.

Posted by dangovich at October 15, 2008 3:22 PM

comment #38

DarthCorleone says ...

Some really great ones above! I'll take a few shots...

The Bourne Ultimatum: Look At What They Make You Give

Heat: Around The Corner
-or-
Heat: The Action Is The Juice

Unforgiven: We All Got It Coming

Trainspotting: He Knows A Lot About Sean Connery
-or-
Trainspotting: Who Needs Reasons When You've Got Heroin?

Hard Eight: It's Always Good To Meet A New Friend

Boogie Nights: Nobody Fucks With Chest And Brock!

The Hudsucker Proxy: Only a numbskull thinks he knows things about things he knows nothing about.

The Third Man: Death's At The Bottom Of Everything

A Fish Called Wanda: What Was The Part In The Middle?
-or-
A Fish Called Wanda: Don't Call Me Stupid
-or-
A Fish Called Wanda: Apes Don't Read Philosophy

Blade Runner: Aren't You The "Good" Man?
-or-
Blade Runner: Let Me Tell You About My Mother

Pulp Fiction: An According To Hoyle Miracle

Posted by DarthCorleone at October 15, 2008 4:47 PM

comment #39

JaySmire says ...

The Hudsucker Proxy: You know, for kids.

Big Trouble in Little China: The chronicles of Jack Burton.

Posted by JaySmire at October 15, 2008 4:50 PM

comment #40

p.Vice says ...

Come on Jeff. You KNOW that BHD title was spot-on. When it comes to serious shit you can't always pull your punches, ya know?

And bmcintire: in your dreams, betch.

Posted by p.Vice at October 15, 2008 5:16 PM

comment #41

p.Vice says ...

Requiem for a Dream: Just Say No

Posted by p.Vice at October 15, 2008 5:38 PM

comment #42

tmurry says ...

One thing Jeff's original examples point out is that, often, it's not the subtitle that's tacked on, but the title. Fire Walk with Me should have been the title for the Twin Peaks movie, but the Twin Peaks was tacked on. Same for Electric Boogaloo, but then the world would have missed the strongest (in a Bloomian sense) sequel title ever. This is probably to avoid the Magnum Force, Shot in the Dark effect (of the movie not being recognized as part of a franchise by audiences, mostly after the fact).

I can't believe no one has made fun of the Star wars movies secondary titles. All the examples I can think of right now are too obvious, like Spinal Tap: This one Goes to 11 - more like an ad tagline than a good secondary title.

Posted by tmurry at October 15, 2008 5:50 PM

comment #43

T. S. Idiot says ...

Bonnie and Clyde: We Rob Banks
The Graduate: You're Trying to Seduce Me, Mrs. Robinson
Cool Hand Luke: Failure to Communicate
The Hustler: I Shoot Straight Pool
Casablanca: We'll Always Have Paris
Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein: Oh, Chick!

Posted by T. S. Idiot at October 15, 2008 8:17 PM

comment #44

brownshuggah says ...

Glengarry Glen Ross: Always Be Closing

for the hell of it,

Rounders 2: All In

Posted by brownshuggah at October 15, 2008 9:56 PM

comment #45

Jay T. says ...

Twilight: Abstinence Vampire Porn

Posted by Jay T. at October 15, 2008 10:02 PM

comment #46

DarkHorizons says ...

The Dark Knight: Burn The Forest Down
The Interpreter: Just a Whisper
The Hunt for Red October: Sail Into History
Star Trek II: Buried Alive
Gladiator: Echoes in Eternity
The Usual Suspects: Like That...He's Gone
The Dark Knight: Decent Men In An Indecent Time
For Your Eyes Only: That's Detente, Comrade
Serial Mom: She Just Said "F*** You" To Me

even a TV one:
Life on Mars: Surrounded By Armed Bastards

Posted by DarkHorizons at October 15, 2008 10:53 PM

comment #47

Luke Y. Thompson says ...

You do realize that "Robin Hood: Men in Tights" was a parody of "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves," right?

At any rate, some attempts by me:

Munich: Holy War in Germany

Crash: Race War in L.A.

Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior (OK, that was real)

Gladiator: A Man Besieged

Star Wars Episode I: The Retard and the Smart Kid

Toy Story 2: Toys N' tha Hood

Dawn of the Dead: Dead Run

Posted by Luke Y. Thompson at October 15, 2008 11:03 PM

comment #48

frankbooth says ...

I think Hamlet is bit of a no-brainer. It begins with "to" and ends with "be."

(Man in Tights is good, though.)

Posted by frankbooth at October 16, 2008 12:17 AM

comment #49

frankbooth says ...

Batman Begins: The Beginning

Star Wars: Episode IV: That's right, Four. We'll Explain Why in About Twenty Years, At Which Point You'll Want to Kill Yourself.

Posted by frankbooth at October 16, 2008 12:27 AM

comment #50

frankbooth says ...

Star Wars: Episode V: All Downhill From Here

Posted by frankbooth at October 16, 2008 12:34 AM

comment #51

frankbooth says ...

Star Wars: Episode VI: Metal Bikini

Posted by frankbooth at October 16, 2008 12:35 AM

comment #52

frankbooth says ...

Star Wars: Episode I:

(Cock)

BANG

*Splat!*

Thud.

What Did I Say?

Posted by frankbooth at October 16, 2008 12:40 AM

comment #53

frankbooth says ...

Star Wars: Episode II: Fool Me Twice

Posted by frankbooth at October 16, 2008 12:47 AM

comment #54

frankbooth says ...

Star Wars: Episode III: Shame on Me

Posted by frankbooth at October 16, 2008 12:57 AM

comment #55

dp4m says ...

Jeff - for your original question... Mamma Mia: Three Men and a Babe

Posted by dp4m at October 16, 2008 1:03 AM

comment #56

StoneFan1 says ...

Any Given Sunday : Life's a game of inches

Nixon : It's the lie that gets you

World Trade Center : Can you see the light?

Glengarry Glen Ross : Always be closing

The Last of the Mohicans : Beholden to none

JFK : It's a riddle wrapped inside an enigma

Alexander : All that matters is what you've done

Platoon : What do you know about death?

Salvador : Whoring and drinking my way through El Salvador

The Doors : Break on through

Natural Born Killers : #1 with a bullet

W. : Anyone can be President

The Fall of the Roman Empire : Grow or die

The Fall of the Roman Empire : Rome everywhere

The Naked Spur : Money splits better three ways instead of four

Posted by StoneFan1 at October 16, 2008 4:45 AM

comment #57

StoneFan1 says ...

Dammit. Somebody already did "Always be Closing"

Anyway,....

Sweet Smell of Success : Don't be a two time loser

Sweet Smell of Success : I love this dirty town

Sweet Smell of Success : My big toe would make a better President

Glengarry Glen Ross : My Daughter? Fuck you!

Strange Days : Are you paranoid enough?

Batman : Who can you trust?

Batman Begins : You're a freak...like me!

JFK : It's up to you

Nixon : He had greatness within his grasp

Nixon : Why do they hate me so much?

Nixon : The darkness reaching out for the darkness

Nixon : Sometimes I understand why they hate you

Nixon : Mrs. Nixon's finished

Nixon : Cocksuckers

Nixon : The fucking Kennedy's get away with everything

Nixon : Do you see me screwing everything that moves

Nixon : Strength in this life, happiness in the next

Nixon : They never would've killed me

Nixon : I own the fucking casino

Nixon : History is a symptom of our disease

Posted by StoneFan1 at October 16, 2008 5:19 AM

comment #58

thefigman says ...

se7en: heads will roll

Posted by thefigman at October 16, 2008 7:33 AM

comment #59

Joshua Mooney says ...

The Exorcist: Mother? What's Wrong with Me?

Lost Highway: I'm There Right Now

Chinatown: She's Mine, Too
Chinatown: As Little As Possible
Chinatwon: Bad For the Glass

Apocalypse Now: Fuck, Man, This Is Better Than Disneyland
Apocalypse Now: Never Get Outta the Boat

Posted by Joshua Mooney at October 16, 2008 8:06 AM

comment #60

PerfectTommy says ...

Lost in America: The Nest Egg

Monty Python and the Holy Grail: What King of Sparrow?

The Fugitive: I Don't Care

Yojimbo: Give the Dog a Hand

Posted by PerfectTommy at October 16, 2008 9:53 AM

comment #61

Joshua Mooney says ...

Night of the Living Dead: They're Dead. They're All Messed Up

Posted by Joshua Mooney at October 16, 2008 11:23 AM

comment #62

T. S. Idiot says ...

Virgin Spring: Tore's Revenge
Rules of the Game: Everyone Has Their Reasons
Out of the Past: Baby, I Don't Care
Point Blank: Somebody's Got to Pay

Posted by T. S. Idiot at October 16, 2008 12:22 PM

comment #63

Sean says ...

tmurry has it exactly right: To be a good subtitle it needs to be a better title than the original title. That's a great methodology for separating the good answers from the ennh.

Posted by Sean at October 16, 2008 1:42 PM

comment #64

nemo says ...

"The Graduate: You're Trying to Seduce Me, Mrs. Robinson
. . .
Casablanca: We'll Always Have Paris"

The Graduate: One Word: Plastics
Casablanca: The Germans Wore Grey, You Wore Blue
Casablanca: Of All the Gin Joints in All the World

Posted by nemo at October 16, 2008 1:42 PM

comment #65

nemo says ...

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid: Who Are Those Guys?
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid: The Fall Will Probably Kill You

Posted by nemo at October 16, 2008 1:46 PM

comment #66

/3rtfu11 says ...

Gremlins 2: The New Batch

Oh wait that's real!

Posted by /3rtfu11 at October 16, 2008 1:58 PM

comment #67

Joshua Mooney says ...

Sean is right. It has to be better than the original title (I've failed in this regard), and it can't just ape the poster copy. Otherwise, "Bonnie and Clyde: They're young, they're in love, and they kill people" would surely win.

But here's one I believe in quite firmly:

"Requiem For a Dream: Ass-To-Ass!"

Posted by Joshua Mooney at October 16, 2008 3:17 PM

comment #68

T. S. Idiot says ...

Hollywood Elsewhere: Battle for the Last Word

Posted by T. S. Idiot at October 16, 2008 5:37 PM

comment #69

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comment #71