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In The Cool of the Day
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Alien Spew

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Just as Carlo had to answer for Santino, the 20th Century Fox honchos who greenlighted The Day The Earth Stood Still have to answer for their judgment. If I was Rupert Murdoch I'd send three goons over to the office of the primary responsible party who said "yes, this is a good idea and ready to roll -- it has chops that could really burn down the box-office, and David Scarpia's script kicks it," and I would sever his ass and have him driven off the lot.

Jennifer Connelly, Keanu Reeves in The Day The Earth Stood Still

I wouldn't have Clemenza garrot him from the back seat as he drives away because we live in a liberal-minded society and for the most part believe in cutting people slack -- i.e., refrain from having them killed -- when they screw up. But what an infuriating, intensely dull, stunningly unimaginative film this is...my God.

A remake of the half-sublime, half-embarassing 1951 Robert Wise original (which I just bought on Blu-ray a week and a half ago), The Day The Earth Stood Still is the total end of director Scott Derrickson as any kind of credible-dependable second-string techno helmer. The man is now instant Jan De Bont.

The plodding tone of TDTESS -- the feeling it gives the viewer of being stuck and slowly smothered in slumbering mentalities and high-tech ooze -- recalls the hand and mind of Plan Nine From Outer Space director Ed Wood, Jr. And if you ask me anyone who manages to resuscitate even a semblance of the spirit of that Angora-sweater-wearing legend needs to be hunted down with a deer rifle. Or at least howled and pointed at, like the zombies in Phil Kaufman's Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

What Derrickson, Scarpia and Co. have done is take Edmund H. North's original screenplay (itself based on a short story by Harry Bates), changed the subtext of Klaatu's "change or else" ultimatum (stop pollution and ruination of the planet rather than halt nuclear-weapon aggression), and thrown in a lot of faux-Spielbergian spooky atmospherics (i.e., having all major events happen at night to allow for the fog-pierced-by-bright-lights effect) in hopes that it will all coagulate into something as strong and purposeful as the '51 film, only bigger and flashier.

Forget it, fuck it, blow it off and go drown your spirits at the nearest pub/bar/restaurant. One way or another, you need to get this movie out of your head.

The failure of TDTESS has been compressed and condensed into the suffering eyes of Kathy Bates, clearly in hell as she tries to play a steely-blustery Secretary of Defense determined to militarily repel the invasion of planet earth by Klatuu and Gort, who arrive in a massive nonsensical space ship in the form of a Jupiter-like (i.e., gas-enshrouded) sphere. It's awful, so awful to watch poor Bates says the lines in Scarpia's script, dying inside a little bit more with each new utterance.

I can't write about this. I really can't. All right, I'll give it another shot because I agree with what the film is saying (i.e., stop with the greenhouse gases or else). But I can feel the acid building in my stomach

Derrickson's instruction to Keanu Reeves (i.e., Klaatu) to talk like an alien who doesn't know the terrain of the human heart was grand-slam redundant since Reeves already exudes a slightly not-of-this-world apartness. We don't care about Klaatu's personality, or the history of it. All we want him to do is act like Michael Rennie and be a clever smoothie -- i.e., blend in and use his intelligence to defeat and outmaneuver the macho-kneejerk militarists. That's almost exactly the way this movie doesn't go.

I hated the recurring decision by the micro-biologist hero-mom (Jennifer Connelly ) to constantly lie to her obviously bright and mature young son (Jaden Smith ) whenever anything dark or momentous happens. (Parents who keep the truth from their children are monsters -- Taliban-ists at heart.) Of course, I didn't believe for a second that Connelly was a micro-biologist in the first place. She looks and behaves like an actress trying like hell to play one, and getting no help from anyone out of camera range.

Kill this movie, stop this review, put an end to the pain, I can't stand it.

Death to Typekey<< previous | next >>Jackman + No Jokes?

Posted by Jeffrey Wells on December 12, 2008 at 9:48 AM

comment #1

BurmaShave says ...

This may be my favorite movie review ever. And you've stopped my desire to go enjoy it tipsy with my friends dead in its tracks. Good man.

Posted by BurmaShave at December 12, 2008 9:53 AM

comment #2

actionman says ...

I'm not even sure I will see this on DVD now.

Posted by actionman at December 12, 2008 9:57 AM

comment #3

btwnproductions says ...

Which half of the original is embarrassing? Sure it sticks to 50s conventions, which may seem antiquated today, but was completely winning the last time I watched it.

Posted by btwnproductions at December 12, 2008 9:57 AM

comment #4

Movie Watcher says ...

It will make money. People love stuff like this. I just watched the original, and I wish it stuck to that as much as possible.

Posted by Movie Watcher at December 12, 2008 10:19 AM

comment #5

Movie Watcher says ...

Wow, I actually got thru! Haven't been able to for at least a week!

Posted by Movie Watcher at December 12, 2008 10:20 AM

comment #6

D.Z. says ...

Movie Watcher: It'll make money the first weekend, but FOX needs to get through the month.

Posted by D.Z. at December 12, 2008 10:44 AM

comment #7

craiged says ...

after the first weekend this will die a painful death, and it full deservers it. Totally agree with this reveiw. The interaction between Reeves & Connelly seems so disjointed that i imagine whole important scenes have been chopped out in the edit.

Posted by craiged at December 12, 2008 10:54 AM

comment #8

thatmovieguy says ...

It's an awful film in just about every respect. And did you enjoy the lengthy promo for McDonalds McCafe coffees in the middle? Embarrassing on every level.

Posted by thatmovieguy at December 12, 2008 11:03 AM

comment #9

Ray says ...

Excellent review, and spot-on. Nearly everything fails in the movie except, surpisingly, Keanu.

This might be your best review ever, and certainly the best I've read thus far about this movie. Good job, Jeff!!!!

Posted by Ray at December 12, 2008 11:32 AM

comment #10

corey3rd says ...

This film could have saved itself with Jon Hamm and Jennifer Connelly going Last Tango in Paris.

Posted by corey3rd at December 12, 2008 11:42 AM

comment #11

Rich S. says ...

Perhaps the greatest review Jeffrey has ever written. The deer rifle line is immortal.

But I'm with btwn. I don't think there's anything embarrassing about the original. The scene where Gort first shows up, with the theremin, the slow opening visor and the reverse gunshot sound effect is still chillingly effective.

Posted by Rich S. at December 12, 2008 11:47 AM

comment #12

drbob says ...

I'm sorry, but is Jennifer Connelly playing the biological mother of the offspring of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith. Does not compute.

Posted by drbob at December 12, 2008 11:55 AM

comment #13

mitchtaylor says ...

The original is halfway embarrassing for taking its "shape up or we'll kill you" Pax Aliena message so seriously (though it appeals to the kid in me). But that score is a true stunner, still amazing and still pretty contemporary-sounding, all things considered.

Posted by mitchtaylor at December 12, 2008 12:11 PM

comment #14

swordandpen says ...

The cherry on top of the review would been a still of Carlo's feet sticking out of the windshield. Jeff's use of Godfather stills over the last month have been hilarious.

Posted by swordandpen at December 12, 2008 12:12 PM

comment #15

Katey says ...

Connelly is his stepmom, drbob.

And the thing about the message, "stop the greenhouse gases or else," is that ISN'T the message. No one ever says exactly what it is humans are doing that's destroying the earth-- Klaatu could be blaming us for creating AIDS, for all we know. It's just more evidence of how cowardly and dumb this movie is.

Posted by Katey at December 12, 2008 12:23 PM

comment #16

Chase Kahn says ...

I wouldn't call Robert Wise's version "half-embarrasing" -- try putting in 1953's 'War of the Worlds' or 'Forbidden Planet'.

The original is a 50's sci-fi masterpiece

Posted by Chase Kahn at December 12, 2008 12:26 PM

comment #17

TVMCCA says ...

Kenneth Turan gave it a pass:
http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/la-et-day12-2008dec12,0,4118353.story

Posted by TVMCCA at December 12, 2008 1:04 PM

comment #18

bmcintire says ...

Not to discount anyone's love for the original, but I found it a chore to stay awake through it the first time, and an impossibility the second. This new one does look like ass however, which is a shame. I had better hopes with Connelly and Hamm in the cast. Oh well.

Posted by bmcintire at December 12, 2008 1:25 PM

comment #19

D.Z. says ...

Man, if Rothman ok'ed this trash, I can't wait to see how awful Avatar will be.

Posted by D.Z. at December 12, 2008 1:44 PM

comment #20

GLee2112 says ...

More importantly, what the hell happened to Jennifer Connolly? She used to be one hot, voluptuous woman. Now she's veering towards playing the lead in a Karen Carpenter biopic. Very sad to see.

Posted by GLee2112 at December 12, 2008 2:23 PM

comment #21

moviemaniac2002 says ...

I can fully believe this film is every bit as abysmal
as everyone's reporting....but I'll never go along
with denigrating the original. Back in the 50's, it
was a rare occurence for any studio to lavish
"A" picture quality on sci-fi or horror....so it was a major event for a top-of-the-line craftsman like
Wise to work on such a film....or for MGM to
apply all of its high gloss on "Forbidden Planet" (and years later, produce Wise's "The Haunting")
The original still stands tall with me....and I've
always viewed it as a sort of kinder, gentler
"Passion Of The Christ"...with robots, saucers and
lasers...(apparently, nobody at Fox ever parsed
North's script closely enough to pick up on the
idea of Mr."Carpenter"'s resurrection.)
And when we ever see a composer like
Bernard Herrmann again....an artist capable of
embedding his music into the film's very DNA...making it forever inseparable from the images it enhances.

Posted by moviemaniac2002 at December 12, 2008 11:34 PM

comment #22

JapAdapters says ...

This movie is completely implausible. No aliens would invade earth when Don Draper was waiting for them. End. Of. Story.

Posted by JapAdapters at December 13, 2008 7:42 AM

comment #23

Marnye says ...

One of the worst movies ever, so boring, dull, terribly acted. What is Jennifer Connelly doing in this nightmare?

Posted by Marnye at December 13, 2008 8:50 AM

comment #24

smiley says ...

Critics like you are the reason why people could not care less about film review in general. You walked into the theatre hating it. You never gave it a chance. Maybe you should just keep reinforcing your own beliefs instead of pretending to be unbiased.

Posted by smiley at December 13, 2008 11:35 AM

comment #25