Caption Required

Joaquin Phoenix and Brett Ratner the night before last at a Miami hotspot called Liv. I just sense a great caption waiting to happen. An impressionistic Daily Mail story by Mark Coleman, more or less based on this and other pics, describes Pheonix's appearance as "bloated" and "disshevelled." I think it may just be, in part, an attempt to look like Joaquin-the-musician instead of Joaqin-the-former-actor. Still, he does look a little polluted for a 34 year-old. The beard, of course, is identical to the one Bruce Willis wore in Barry Levinson's What Just Happened?


Here's a N.Y. Post/"Page Six" anecdote about same. This is going to end one of two ways -- Phoenix eventually going to rehab or eventually you-know-what.

Posted by Jeffrey Wells on December 31, 2008 at 9:39 AM

comment #1

mitchtaylor Author Profile Page says ...

"...but just before he left me, Herzog mentioned how much he LOVED Rush Hour 2."

Posted by mitchtaylor Author Profile Page at December 31, 2008 9:58 AM

comment #2

nemo Author Profile Page says ...

Whose hand is that holding the drink in the center? That hand doesn't seem to belong to either Phoenix or Ratner.

And speaking of dissipated, look at Ratner. Identical hair, beard, shirt, and general unappetizingly fucked-up look. Together they look like Romulus and Remus if they had been raised by alcoholic wolves.

Posted by nemo Author Profile Page at December 31, 2008 10:04 AM

comment #3

Sabina E Author Profile Page says ...

I just hope he doesnt pull a River Phoenix and die young.

What a shame that would be.

Posted by Sabina E Author Profile Page at December 31, 2008 10:08 AM

comment #4

BurmaShave Author Profile Page says ...

Gross.

Posted by BurmaShave Author Profile Page at December 31, 2008 10:10 AM

comment #5

crsryan Author Profile Page says ...

He's gonna have to do press for Two Lovers in February -- how much do you wanna bet he does a complete turn-around on that retirement business?

Posted by crsryan Author Profile Page at December 31, 2008 10:12 AM

comment #6

NotImpressed1Yet Author Profile Page says ...

It's Casey Affleck in the middle (other pictures in the story show him)

Joaquin looks like an OD waiting to happen.

Posted by NotImpressed1Yet Author Profile Page at December 31, 2008 10:15 AM

comment #7

nemo Author Profile Page says ...

How does Phoenix manage to make his hair look as if it's thinning on the SIDE of his head?

Notice that Jeff Wells is still spelling Phoenix as "Pheonix". Has he ever spelled this guy's last name right? He's got some kind of mental block on this subject.

Curiously, he always spells Joaquin correctly. Well, almost always.

Posted by nemo Author Profile Page at December 31, 2008 10:17 AM

comment #8

nemo Author Profile Page says ...

Can you imagine the smell Casey Affleck must be inhaling when those two lean in together over his lap?

Posted by nemo Author Profile Page at December 31, 2008 10:20 AM

comment #9

VoiceOfReason Author Profile Page says ...

As dirty as they look neither of these puffballs has trouble scoring hot ass. It’s a cruel world we live in.

Posted by VoiceOfReason Author Profile Page at December 31, 2008 10:27 AM

comment #10

Krazy Eyes Author Profile Page says ...

I'm always impressed that Ratner can appear so fucked up while being a straight edger.

Posted by Krazy Eyes Author Profile Page at December 31, 2008 11:07 AM

comment #11

thevisceral Author Profile Page says ...

"Don't tell anyone, but I am crazy as fuck."

Posted by thevisceral Author Profile Page at December 31, 2008 11:29 AM

comment #12

Gaydos Author Profile Page says ...

"Hair plugs transplants performed years ago often utilized grafts that were simply too large and unnatural looking."

Posted by Gaydos Author Profile Page at December 31, 2008 11:37 AM

comment #13

MilkMan Author Profile Page says ...

Joaquin: Don't get me wrong, I think Heath was a really good actor, but when people start talking about his potential and my brother's potential I start to kind of get mad and everything.
Ratner: Yeah, yeah, I agree.
Joaquin: My brother fulfilled his potential, you know what I mean?
Ratner: Totally.
Joaquin: Do you have any more coke?
Ratner: Uh, no, but I can get some.
Joaquin: That would be great, bro.
Ratner: Let me make a call.
Joaquin: But wait. What I'm trying to say is that I don't think Heath could've done what my brother did in Idaho.
Ratner: No way.
Joaquin: River didn't need to die to become a legend. That's all I'm trying to say.
Ratner: I hear you.
Joaquin: What?
Ratner: I said I agree with you.
Joaquin: So are you serious about doing The Source movie because I would be totally into playing Yod.
Ratner: Who?
Joaquin: Yod. The Source. Remember what we were talking about?
Ratner: I don't think so.
Joaquin: Jesus christ I need another whiskey. I have nothing to wash this Xanax down with.
Affleck: Am I the only one who's hungry?
Joaquin: Don't move. I'll be right back.
Ratner: I won't.
Joaquin: Seriously. I love you, bro. And if you want me to do the Hefner thing I will. Just think about Yod and the Source. I'm telling you.
Ratner: Okay.
Joaquin: Fucking Ledger, man. What a waste. Gottal learn how to divvy that shit out, you know what I mean? Maybe he pulls of another performance like the Joker and I'll listen to the whole potential thing. That's when.
Ratner: Probably won't happen, though.
Joaquin: My brother would've been a great Joker.
Ratner: The best.

Posted by MilkMan Author Profile Page at December 31, 2008 11:45 AM

comment #14

MikeSchaeferSF Author Profile Page says ...

"How does Phoenix manage to make his hair look as if it's thinning on the SIDE of his head?"

It looks to me like that's the remnants of a "fauxhawk', one of the worst hairstyles ever invented.

Posted by MikeSchaeferSF Author Profile Page at December 31, 2008 11:47 AM

comment #15

scooterzz Author Profile Page says ...

milk -- nice...

Posted by scooterzz Author Profile Page at December 31, 2008 11:58 AM

comment #16

Mark Author Profile Page says ...

i thought i had something and then MilkMan quickly ends the thread. How about i try to top it, then get in my time machine and follow Michael Jackson's performance of Billie Jean at the Motown 25 special?

Posted by Mark Author Profile Page at December 31, 2008 12:06 PM

comment #17

dcc77 Author Profile Page says ...

MilkMan: A fine coda to your year of posts. I'm a sometime poster but mostly just a reader so thanks for your contributions to this site in 2008.

Happy New Year to Jeff and all the regulars!

Posted by dcc77 Author Profile Page at December 31, 2008 12:57 PM

comment #18

p.Vice Author Profile Page says ...

"Seriously dude, I could have swallowed."

Posted by p.Vice Author Profile Page at December 31, 2008 1:21 PM

comment #19

Al-Aurens Author Profile Page says ...

Only college educated people can spell Phoenix correctly, or so it would seem :o)

My first blow job was from a man, but I didn't know it was a man - Brett Ratner.

Posted by Al-Aurens Author Profile Page at December 31, 2008 2:17 PM

comment #20

Josh Massey Author Profile Page says ...

MilkMan: Now I know you've done cocaine in your past, because you absolutely nailed the blow-addled patois.

Solid work.

Posted by Josh Massey Author Profile Page at December 31, 2008 3:56 PM

comment #21

BurmaShave Author Profile Page says ...

Milk was truly inspired.

Posted by BurmaShave Author Profile Page at December 31, 2008 4:21 PM

comment #22

nemo Author Profile Page says ...

Oh man, I just noticed that Ratner is grabbing the flap of skin where his neck meets the underside of his chin and is compulsively pulling it down and forward. And those crazed eyes. Whatever Phoenix is saying to him is getting him seriously turned on.

Great work as usual, Milkman. I like the way Ratner's "I don't think so" leaves it diplomatically unclear whether he doesn't remember what the conversation is about, isn't serious about making The Source, or has no interest in casting Phoenix as Yod. Or all of the above.

Posted by nemo Author Profile Page at December 31, 2008 4:39 PM

comment #23

/3rtfu11 Author Profile Page says ...

DeafBrownTrashPunk says ...

I just hope he doesnt pull a River Phoenix and die young.
What a shame that would be.

It wouldn't match the cultural impact his brother's death had.

Posted by /3rtfu11 Author Profile Page at December 31, 2008 4:54 PM

comment #24

berg Author Profile Page says ...

"I just hope he doesnt pull ... and die young"

He's like 34 years old, he won't die young ...

Posted by berg Author Profile Page at December 31, 2008 5:42 PM

comment #25

Luke Y. Thompson Author Profile Page says ...

Anyone else think Mark Ruffalo could star in "The Brett Ratner Story"?

Posted by Luke Y. Thompson Author Profile Page at December 31, 2008 5:48 PM

comment #26

MickTravis Author Profile Page says ...

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2008/12/31/article-1103449-02EAA1B2000005DC-661_468x302.jpg

He's the bastard love-child of Jack Black and "Apocalypto"-era Mel Gibson.

Posted by MickTravis Author Profile Page at December 31, 2008 7:57 PM

comment #27

erniesouchak Author Profile Page says ...

It's not a CAPTION, it's a CUTLINE.

Posted by erniesouchak Author Profile Page at December 31, 2008 11:25 PM

comment #28

Dave F Author Profile Page says ...

I reckon they are working on the principle that Hollywood hotties go for what Denise Richards described as "hot rock stars with big dicks".

Posted by Dave F Author Profile Page at January 1, 2009 5:52 AM

comment #29

William Goss Author Profile Page says ...

LYT: In that pic? Either Ruffalo or Danny Huston.

Posted by William Goss Author Profile Page at January 1, 2009 7:51 AM

comment #30

Jeffrey Wells Author Profile Page says ...

Wells to Milkman: That was quite good. Excellent, in fact.

Posted by Jeffrey Wells Author Profile Page at January 1, 2009 8:22 AM

comment #31

Magic Rat Author Profile Page says ...

Why do I get the feeling that these two guys are gonna wind up at Alfred Molina's house later? Cue "Sister Christian" and a mute Asian boy throwing firecrackers.

Posted by Magic Rat Author Profile Page at January 1, 2009 12:03 PM

comment #32

Fredmund Malik Klagen Author Profile Page says ...

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comment #33

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