comment #1

irvingberlinalexanderputz says ...

We will require pics :)

comment #2

TheJeff says ...

I made a couple of edits to typographical errors in my song:

EMOTIONALLY VIVID COWBOY HAT
(THE BALLAD OF JEFFREY WELLS)

I rode in to Park City
‘twas back in aught-eight.
I knew that my stay there
was sure gonna be great.
I had a little gal there,
took good care of me.
I’d rustle up some movies,
she’d brew me up some tea.

She was just like my granny,
She knew just what to do,
If Heath Ledger died,
or if you had the flu.
She had a little hotel –
Well, more like an inn.
Full of coarse Ausralians,
and fightin’ lesbians.

When all of my film festin’
was at long last done.
I saddled up my taxi cab
to ride to the setting sun.
I said, “don’t you worry, Granny”
I’ll be back next year.
I’ve marked my terri-tory
with a special souvenir.

(Chorus)
E-motion-ally vivid cowboy hat,
I love you more than I love my cat.
You hold my hotel room, while I am away.
I don’t need a credit card. I live in L.A.

Now, being a true blue guy,
I called her back next year.
While the phone was ringin’
I popped an ice-cold beer.
But what ol’ Granny told me
nearly made me ill.
My mouth, it flew wide open and
I dropped my Miller Chill.

She said, “I’m sorry, Honey,
but our rooms are booked.
You didn’t leave a credit card,
and your room got took.”
I cried, “You must jokin’
You must be havin’ fun.
I left you my dear cowboy hat –
My Gary Cooper one.”

She asked “How was I to know
that you’d do like you said?”
Hat-scent gestures can’t
keep a roof over your head.”
I said, “Just like a dog returns
to the last place he shat,
I always come back to the place
I leave my cowboy hat.”

(Chorus)
Oh, Emotion-ally vivid cowboy hat,
I love you more than I love my cat.
You’re covered with my sweat and my paw prints
I ain’t got no use for dollars and cents.

I said, “you’ve wronged me, Granny
you’ve hung me out to dry.
I won’t hold a grudge though,
I’m not that kind of guy.
Despite what you may have heard,
I am not a grouch.
I’ll do you a solid,
I’ll crash there on your couch.”

I blogged all of my story
for everyone to see.
I’d show those commentators
I’m not all that crazy.
But all of those mouthbreathers,
my actions they had panned!
They didn’t know the hat-scent gesture
known all across the land!

Ol’ granny didn’t much like
all her new-found fame.
She said that I’d blackmailed her,
and brought her hotel shame.
She said, “If you know what’s good for you,
I’d suggest this stops.
And if you want your cowboy hat,
I’ve left with the cops.

(Chorus)
E-motion-ally vivid cowboy hat,
I loved you more than I loved my cat.
You always took good care of me,
but now your with the Park City P.D.

comment #3

DeafBrownTrashPunk says ...

we demand photos or we can pretend it never happened.

comment #4

scooterzz says ...

the jeff -- nice work!

comment #5

byanyother says ...

Ahahahahahahahahahaha!

comment #6

Jeffrey Wells says ...

This song is pretty funny. I'm not sure it's proportionate to this little hat thing, but it's well written.

comment #7

Geoff says ...

Go Wells!!!

comment #8

lazarus says ...

Nice work, The Jeff, though a reference to David Poland not wanting to share a ride would have been nice.

comment #9

alynch says ...

Yes, I also hope to see a picture of this hat. That way we can all debate on how emotionally vivid it is.

comment #10

byanyother says ...

The phone conversation is the best thing I've heard in a long while, though. I love how the cop is going to email all of the officers in the Park City Police to be on the lookout for an emotionally vivid hat.

comment #11

byanyother says ...

But...it's worth saying that--

"I’ll do you a solid,
I’ll crash there on your couch.”

is hilarious.

comment #12

MickTravis says ...

I guess the lesson we should take for this is: Leaving your hat somewhere is not only a valid form of reservation but could also result in police involvement.

What's in the correspondence that accompanied the hat, I wonder. I can imagine.

comment #13

shanes5 says ...

Jeff...at this point I think you could fund your Sundance trip by printing and selling us all print Emotionally Vivid T-shirts...I'd buy one

comment #14

iamjoe says ...

I love this series of threads...cmon, this is what a blog is about! The interaction that a column in a newspaper could never have is the advantage.

Plus now we all have an extra reason to tune into any Park City report, lest the hat in question make an appearance in this column or any other report. Well done again, Wells!

comment #15

Tiny Tim says ...

It was the 30th of December.
That day I'll always remember, yes I will.
'Cause that was the day Jeff's booking died.
He never got a chance to see Sundance.
Never heard nothing 'bout "Mary and Max".
Mama, I'm depending on you, to tell me the truth.

And Mama just hung her head and said,
"Son, Jeffrey was a rolling stone.
Wherever he laid his hat was his home ...

comment #16

Pinko Punko says ...

Thanks, J. This has been wonderful. You can't write it any better.

comment #17

D.Z. says ...

http://movies.yahoo.com/news/movies.eonline.com/76842-
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081230/ap_on_re_us/banned_words
http://news.yahoo.com/s/space/20081230/sc_space/celestialshowsetfornewyearseve
http://news.yahoo.com/s/space/20081219/sc_space/stellarmeteorshowerjan3

comment #18

CitizenKanedforChewingGum says ...

How dare you try to hijack this hilarious thread with your worthless yahoo! movie links, Daniel!

comment #19

LexG says ...

I saw the original HAT post a couple days back and was properly awed, but came back tonight to multiple posts about this saga, and I have to say I literally laughed harder than I have in MONTHS, if not YEARS, over all this.

Wells, TheJeff, and Mindless Obamaton in particular had me literally --and no one means this when they say it, but this is the real-- LITERALLY falling off my computer chair onto the floor, sides SPLITTING and whooping uncontrollably for twenty minutes on end; Fuck, I'm STILL laughing about some of the gems here.

It is FUCKING BRILLIANT!

comment #20

bfm says ...

Excellent. Very funny. Good work TheJeff!

comment #21

Al-Aurens says ...

I've always wanted to say this:

Shut the fuck up, D.Z.!

comment #22

katcalls says ...

Come to think of it, we haven't seen many photos of the cats recently.

comment #23

BurmaShave says ...

He left his cats in LA so his landlord would know he'd be back.

comment #24

CitizenKanedforChewingGum says ...

And the cats were alll wearing vivid hats.

comment #25

desert rose says ...

LOL, sounds like a new Dr. Seuss book, Cats Who Wear Vivid Hats.

I'm pretty addicted to HE anyway but this series of columns has been the best in a long, long time. I also have laughed until my stomach ached. I still laugh when I think about the reality show The Cranky Critic, the next episode no doubt will be the cranky critic bustin' his hat out of jail. I loved the comment (can't remember which poster) who suggested that now that his hat is in jail, he could bunk there during Sundance.

Jeff, I can empathize with you but what a way to make lemoncello from an unhappy situation, you've given us several days of great fun. After all the too nasty comments during the Presidential campaign this blog is back to 'normal', what a great group.