Le Boucher

"Before killing something, I always talk to it. An animal that's been caressed before it's killed dies peacefully, and its muscles don't contract with adrenalin. If an animal is slaughtered in a stress-free way, it tastes better." -- Gerard Depardieu quoted today on contactmusic.com.

Except an animal can always tell when he/she/it is about to die. All living things can. They can smell the intent to slaughter like a lie-detector machine can read tension and anxiety. Knowing you're about to lose your head jacks up your sensitivity levels. (Say whatever you want, but I imagined this once when I was 19 years old and tripping on mescaline, and I've never forgotten it.) How does the quote go? "The clarity of mind that comes to a man standing on the gallows is wonderful." So spare us your b.s., Depardieu. No animal dies unaware of the coming of the blade.

Bonus question: "This little piggy went to the market / as meek and mild as a lamb / but he stopped in his tracks when they gave him the axe / because he knew he'd turn out to be Wham." What film is this rhyme from?

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Posted by Jeffrey Wells on December 24, 2008 at 10:59 AM

comment #1

actionman Author Profile Page says ...

Mescaline, eh? Always wish I had tried that stuff.

Posted by actionman Author Profile Page at December 24, 2008 11:12 AM

comment #2

p.Vice Author Profile Page says ...

The animal is probably hoping Depardieu hurries up and gets it over with so they don't have to keep staring at his fucking nose.

Posted by p.Vice Author Profile Page at December 24, 2008 11:14 AM

comment #3

BurmaShave Author Profile Page says ...

actionman it's not too late. Huxley swore by it his whole life.

Posted by BurmaShave Author Profile Page at December 24, 2008 11:25 AM

comment #4

Admiral82 Author Profile Page says ...

Could you imagine if death looked exactly like Gerard Depardieu under all that cloth?

That scares me more than anything....

Posted by Admiral82 Author Profile Page at December 24, 2008 11:26 AM

comment #5

actionman Author Profile Page says ...

Burma -- I can't do that stuff anymore. I promised myself (and my fiancee) that those days are over. But god how I miss 'em...

Posted by actionman Author Profile Page at December 24, 2008 11:32 AM

comment #6

Dan Revill Author Profile Page says ...

Jeff are you a vegan?

Posted by Dan Revill Author Profile Page at December 24, 2008 12:17 PM

comment #7

iamjoe Author Profile Page says ...

p.Vice- You are correct, sir!

Posted by iamjoe Author Profile Page at December 24, 2008 12:31 PM

comment #8

nemo Author Profile Page says ...

Americans and the French both like to wax nostalgic about their dimly remembered rural roots.

But at least when the French go all mushy and sentimental about the country, at least they do it in ways that have some vague connection with the real work that goes on in agricultural areas, such as raising food and slaughtering animals.

When Americans go for that country mush, it's all about dressing up in cowboy hats and boots and driving a big shiny pickup truck like the kind that never existed on real farms and ranches. For examples, see the Disney World ranches maintained by Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush.

But the French are just as phony with their country boy nostalgia.

Posted by nemo Author Profile Page at December 24, 2008 12:51 PM

comment #9

Glenn Kenny Author Profile Page says ...

That would be "Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House," sir.

Posted by Glenn Kenny Author Profile Page at December 24, 2008 1:47 PM

comment #10

MindlessObamaton Author Profile Page says ...

Actually, wells, The Dep is right. For instance, if you and I are talking on a street corner, lots of people walking by on a day, could be any day, and we are deep into our chat and a piano falls on you and crushes you dead in an instant, you wouldn't feel it coming. same thing. If you walk up to a dog and pet it, a dog you've known and you pet it and it is responsive to you, if you have a gun in your other hand and blow its brains out, it ain't freaking out. If you don't see it coming, you don't know it. I'd rather not know it all. even if, now, I do know it's coming.

Posted by MindlessObamaton Author Profile Page at December 24, 2008 1:47 PM

comment #11

Edward Author Profile Page says ...

Ah, the days of mescaline, LSD, mushrooms, peyote...I promised the wife the same thing. Still, there are times...

Posted by Edward Author Profile Page at December 24, 2008 2:02 PM

comment #12

Kim Voynar Author Profile Page says ...

I'm thinking a lot of movies I saw this year would have been better if I'd seen them while tripping on acid. Except for Serbis, which probably would have freaked me out even more if I'd seen it under the influence of anything stronger than coffee and paninis. But Four Christmases would have been hilarious under the dual influence of mushrooms and a fantasy about Reese Witherspoon having a stash of Vince Vaughn hoodoo dolls and long, sharp pins in her trailer.

Posted by Kim Voynar Author Profile Page at December 24, 2008 2:34 PM

comment #13

Kim Voynar Author Profile Page says ...

And, er ... no tripping on illicit drugs for me these days either, but back in the day? Yeah, I had some good times.

Posted by Kim Voynar Author Profile Page at December 24, 2008 2:35 PM

comment #14

p.Vice Author Profile Page says ...

So it seems the lesson of this post is that it's impossible for guys to enter into a relationship with the opposite sex without getting their balls chopped off completely.

And then you die. Possibly by the hand of Gerard Depardieu.

Posted by p.Vice Author Profile Page at December 24, 2008 3:30 PM

comment #15

dangovich Author Profile Page says ...

I always get my chickens drunk on red wine before I strangle them.

Posted by dangovich Author Profile Page at December 24, 2008 3:53 PM

comment #16

62Lincoln Author Profile Page says ...

It must be Christmas - two posts by p.Vice that crack me up! Great job!

Posted by 62Lincoln Author Profile Page at December 24, 2008 4:17 PM

comment #17

BurmaShave Author Profile Page says ...

p.Vice that was a masterpiece. And can we all step back for a moment and observe how bizarre this quote is, and how it was ever brought up in the first place?

Posted by BurmaShave Author Profile Page at December 24, 2008 4:49 PM

comment #18

MilkMan Author Profile Page says ...

I'm stoned right now. I've been stoned since I got to Texas. Spending Christmas with my wife's Redneck family. She has some hot cousins that I have never met. Everyone wants to watch a movie so I suggested we watch my bootleg copy of Silent Light. No one seems interested except one of the hot Redneck cousins named Hannah. If there is anything hotter than a 20 year old Redneck girl from the middle of Texas I would like to know. My wife's dad asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I almost said Hannah. I might be stoned, but I'm not that stoned.

Posted by MilkMan Author Profile Page at December 24, 2008 6:59 PM

comment #19

Movie Watcher Author Profile Page says ...

Remember the turkeys behind Sarah Palin during that interview? I wonder what they thought the moment they were slaughtered. Or, for that matter, the turkey that is cooking in my over right now. Too bad I didn't do any 'shrooms/peyote/acid, I guess that train passed me by.

Posted by Movie Watcher Author Profile Page at December 25, 2008 6:50 AM

comment #20

free games Author Profile Page says ...

Always wish I had tried that stuff.

Posted by free games Author Profile Page at October 27, 2009 12:27 AM

comment #21

dd Author Profile Page says ...

And then you die. Possibly by the hand of Gerard Depardieu.


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