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The Naked and the Deadpan
Those Leslie Nielsen Naked Gun movies did pretty well in their time -- the 1988 original took in $78 million (an excellent gross for the Reagan era) and the last one, Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult, earned $51 million domestic in '94. But they're old news and they're over, for God's sake. There's no room for an old-dog comedy franchise in the Age of Obama. That's what my attitude was, at least, until a Paramount employee slipped me a PDF copy of -- prepare yourself -- The Naked Gun: What 4? -- The Rhythm of Evil.
Would such a property have worked a year or two after 9/11? Or two or three years ago? Maybe, maybe not. But right now people are so zombie-freaked by the destruction of their stock portfolios and retirement funds and the devaluation of their homes and their sharply-reduced ability to pay for their kids' college tuitions that they're probably ready to laugh at really dumb stuff again. Maybe. The key element, of course, is that is has to be seriously stupid. No fooling around, I mean.
What makes funny funny? There's no explaining the how and why (and if you do you kill the joke), but I know it when I read it. And this script, penned by veteran sardonic-comedy guy Alan Spencer (Sledge Hammer, Hexed), made me laugh. It's funny in a dry, smart, surreal-toxic sexual way. But then I'm from Mars so what do I know?
On top of which the films that I direct in my head when I'm reading stuff like this are always underplayed in an Ingmar Bergman-esque way, and the tendency of many (if not most) professional comedy directors is to broaden and underline so the least sophisticated dolts in Mumbai will get the joke. But the best stupid comedies are never aimed low -- they're written and directed by smart guys, and played as straight as Hamlet and aimed at jazz musicians and corporate CEOs and people who donate foundation money. Because once you start winking at the audience, you're dead.
The three lead cop characters in Naked Gun: What 4? are Det. Vince Conklin ("Look, I represent the new America, the average person on the street desperate for change... like pennies, nickles, dimes"), Police Commissioner Roy McGlade (flip, blunt, crusty but benign) and Lt. Erica Litvak (30s, no-nonsense, a looker). Nielsen's Lt. Frank Drebin has been put out to pasture, of course -- living in Florida, golfing -- so it's wide open for whatever.
All I know is that "it's ugly out there....like a boil on the buttock of a Sumo wrestler suffering from excema." That's a throwaway line from page four, delivered by a minor character.
Posted by Jeffrey Wells on February 26, 2009 at 5:57 AM
Essentials
comment #1
Rich S.
says ...
It would only be funny if O.J. Simpson again played Nordberg.
Track down the original series, Police Squad! Many of the jokes from the films are lifted directly from the show. And it plays much better as a half-hour sitcom. Though I still can't go to a baseball game without making an Enrico Pallazzo joke.
Posted by Rich S.
at February 26, 2009 7:15 AM
comment #2
Jeffrey Wells
says ...
There's actually an O.J. Simpson-inspired joke in the very beginning in which a certain notorious figure is found not guilty. It's better that I don't reveal, but it's funny, I swear.
Posted by Jeffrey Wells
at February 26, 2009 7:21 AM
comment #3
moorish
says ...
Agreed. No Nordberg, no sale!
Police Squad is a work of genius.
Posted by moorish
at February 26, 2009 7:21 AM
comment #4
EnglishBob
says ...
One of my all-time favorite jokes was from the "Police Squad" TV show:
"Who are you? And how did you get in here?"
"I'm a locksmith....and I'm a locksmith."
Posted by EnglishBob
at February 26, 2009 7:30 AM
comment #5
actionman
says ...
just posted this comment on the wrong thread a moment ago:
Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have stay on my toes.
But seriously, the first three films in this series, and the original tv show, are some of the funniest things ever. Loved it all. So silly but so damn funny.
Posted by actionman
at February 26, 2009 8:13 AM
comment #6
DavidF
says ...
Yup. In a sense Jeff is right but if I heard they were making another Airplane! I'd certainly give it a chance. You tell me a guy from SledgeHammer! is writing this one and that's good enough for me. (Which reminds me - how great has it been to see David Rasche doing great stuff like Burn After Reading lately?)
they should kep these ZAZ films in circulation just to remind the Wayan Bros. and whoever is churning out Meet the Spartans, Superhero Movie etc how do to it right.
Unlike those movies, the ZAZ movies are stupid and silly - but eminently rewatchable classics. Not to mention quotable - go to a baseball game and make Palazzao jokes, demonstrate your "drinking problem" to your friends, make sure you say "don't call me Shirley" at every opportunity etc etc etc
My main concern here wouldn't be the script -more that making these without Neilsen would be like making more Pink Panther movies without Sellers.
They did that? The hell you say!
Posted by DavidF
at February 26, 2009 8:21 AM
comment #7
mattn
says ...
Is Drebin in the script at all? It's probably fine that Nielsen isn't the star, but it'd be a shame for him not to be in it.
Posted by mattn
at February 26, 2009 8:24 AM
comment #8
BurmaShave
says ...
If this actually starred octogenarians Leslie Nielsen and George Kennedy, I'd approve. The current arrangement does not appeal to me at all.
Posted by BurmaShave
at February 26, 2009 8:25 AM
comment #9
hcat
says ...
There's a difference between the dumb of something like Step Brothers and the dumb of the Naked Gun series. There is actually a bit of thought and inventiveness behind Airplane, Top Secret, and Naked Gun (Tell me that the Marx brothers wouldn't have been proud to come up with "Don't call me Shirley").
But since you don't mention the names Zucker, Proft or Abrahams this sounds to me like a direct to video cash in on the name like Universal is doing with Slap Shot.
Posted by hcat
at February 26, 2009 8:25 AM
comment #10
BurmaShave
says ...
And you want topicality? I'm sure a modern day spin on this could be arranged.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1LOTovO7oqM
Never gets old.
Posted by BurmaShave
at February 26, 2009 8:27 AM
comment #11
Rich S.
says ...
Oddly enough, I think Steve Martin would fare better as the new Frank Drebin than he has as Jacques Clouseau.
Don't get me wrong: neither one should be attempted. But if Steve's going to go there, he should go for Frank.
Posted by Rich S.
at February 26, 2009 8:28 AM
comment #12
CarloDennis
says ...
I actually could see Richard Jenkins making a great Drebin...
Posted by CarloDennis
at February 26, 2009 8:48 AM
comment #13
BurmaShave
says ...
My vote would be Sean Penn. It's not like he needs any more Oscars.
Posted by BurmaShave
at February 26, 2009 9:09 AM
comment #14
Gordie Lachance
says ...
Naked Gun was a parody of all the old 60's tv cop shows.
Someone needs to start a new franchise where they team up a numerologist, a forensic pathologist, a psychological profiler, a bones guy and a CSI type and just catch serial killers who prey on cops who hunt serial killers.
Posted by Gordie Lachance
at February 26, 2009 9:20 AM
comment #15
dinther
says ...
Police Squad was certainly brilliant. But the best line was delivered when Nielson burst into the dressing room of a showgirl:
girl: Is this some kind of bust??
Nielson: It's very impressive. But that's not why we're here.
Posted by dinther
at February 26, 2009 9:55 AM
comment #16
Letters of Transit
says ...
No, no, no, no, no!
The best Naked Gun line ever is simply, "Nice beaver."
Posted by Letters of Transit
at February 26, 2009 10:39 AM
comment #17
Josh Massey
says ...
This has direct-to-video written all over it. It'll probably star Eugene Levy and Scott Bakula.
Posted by Josh Massey
at February 26, 2009 10:42 AM
comment #18
Noiresque
says ...
"All right, Stephanie, gently extend your arm. Extend your middle finger. Very good. Well done. "
Mayor: Now Drebin, I don't want any trouble like you had on the South Side last year, that's my policy.
Frank: Well, when I see five weirdos, dressed in togas, stabbing a man in the middle of the park in full view of a hundred people, I shoot the bastards, that's *my* policy!
Mayor: That was a Shakespeare-In-The-Park production of 'Julius Caesar,' you moron! You killed five actors! Good ones!
and not to mention
"... strike?"
I love the Naked Gun. My dad took us to see it when I was 7, while my mum was at the ballet. Crazy to think of now, but I laughed was leading the laughter in the cinema, and probably did not understand at least 1/3 of the raunchier jokes.
Posted by Noiresque
at February 26, 2009 11:04 AM
comment #19
LYT
says ...
Don't forget, the last movie David Zucker and Leslie Nielsen did together was An American Carol.
Perhaps best to keep them away from anything intended to be funny these days. Though they were great at one time.
Posted by LYT
at February 26, 2009 11:30 AM
comment #20
hcat
says ...
Favorite line of the three movies:
"I haven't had this much sex since I was a boy scout leader, (akward pause) ahem I mean I was dating a lot at the time."
Posted by hcat
at February 26, 2009 11:33 AM
comment #21
YND
says ...
Fave exchange from POLICE SQUAD (pardon any paraphrasing):
-- Have they received a ransom note?
-- Yeah, Frank, the butler found it. It was tied to a window and thrown in the rock garden.
Posted by YND
at February 26, 2009 12:02 PM
comment #22
Movie fan09
says ...
What makes funny funny? There's no explaining the how and why (and if you do you kill the joke), but I know it when I read it. And this script, penned by veteran sardonic-comedy guy Alan Spencer (Sledge Hammer, Hexed), made me laugh.
I'm in just at the mere mention of Sledge Hammer-
I hope David Rasche is available!
just as captain.
I can definitely see The Rock as the lead.. the only problem is, that dude ALWAYS winks at the audience and it's annoying.
Posted by Movie fan09
at February 26, 2009 12:18 PM
comment #23
Rich S.
says ...
"And I faked every orgasm."
Posted by Rich S.
at February 26, 2009 12:41 PM
comment #24
Gordon27
says ...
"Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through."
Posted by Gordon27
at February 26, 2009 1:19 PM
comment #25
DavidF
says ...
If we're throwing out quotes I think it's hard to top the variations on..
"We have to get this woman to a hospital!"
"A hospital! what is it?"
"A big building with patients, but that's not important right now..."
that's almost Monty Python level brilliance in a movie that also gets laughs from a shot of a woman's large breasts jiggling as the plane shudders. Genius.
Also, Moviefan, I didn't know the Rock had worked his eye muscles down from the eyebrow thing to actual winking. Good on him!
Posted by DavidF
at February 26, 2009 1:20 PM
comment #26
EdHavens
says ...
I know it doesn't happen a whole hell of a lot, but when was there ever a time when a franchise was successfully transfered from the creators to people who had absolutely nothing to do with what might have made it so great in the first place? And no, Scary Movie 3 doesn't count, because making something somewhat shitty instead of something totally shitty doesn't cut it.
Posted by EdHavens
at February 26, 2009 2:17 PM
comment #27
adaml
says ...
I got really excited assuming it was starring the legend that is Leslie Nielsen and then I read the entire post and find it doesn't. How crushingly disappointing.
Leslie Nielsen should have been Oscar nommed in 88 he was so good.
Posted by adaml
at February 26, 2009 2:48 PM
comment #28
thatrader
says ...
Ed, I'd say "Battlestar Galactica" the TV series fits what you're looking for.
Posted by thatrader
at February 26, 2009 2:52 PM
comment #29
Ray
says ...
Without Nielsen, this thing is dead to me.
Posted by Ray
at February 26, 2009 3:12 PM
comment #30
The Bandsaw Vigilante
says ...
HEXED holds a very special place in my heart -- got laid for the first time right after seeing it in the theater.
Claudia Christian's hot-ass naked bod helped put me in the mood, I think. She was tighter than a 10-year-old in that flick.
Posted by The Bandsaw Vigilante
at February 26, 2009 4:36 PM
comment #31
CitizenKanedforChewingGum
says ...
Like many ZAZ productions, The Naked Gun films are the prime example of how to do these spoof things, which I admittedly love but can be the worst kinda bad (see the Wayans brothers movies, Meet the Spartans, Dracula: Dead & Loving It...better yet, don't!), correctly.
I own the 3-on-1 DVD and love it, but you are sort of dealing with the law of diminishing returns on this series (first was an all-time classic, second was great, third was merely entertaining), so a fourth film coming this late in the game without Nielsen...I just don't know.
Is Charlie Sheen busy? He is admittedly severely lacking in the dramatic acting department, but he can bring the straight-faced funny almost as well as LN at this point. He was amazing in Hot Shots!: Part Deux, which I guess I kind of consider the The Citizen Kane of these kinds of pictures.
That one-minute scene in the jungle cross-cutting between Martin & Charlie's "war is hell" voice-overs until their boats pass each other on the river is pure comedy gold...
"I loved you in Wall Street!"
Posted by CitizenKanedforChewingGum
at February 26, 2009 5:37 PM
comment #32
D.Z.
says ...
Loved the Naked Gun films, but the Zuckers peaked with Jane Austin's "Mafia" and "Baseketball". And their paycheck work on the Scary Movie stuff doesn't give me much confidence on a new one. It would be nice to get Nielsen comeback, though, especially after Spy Hard.
Jeff: If a new Jack Ryan flick released a year after 9/11 did alright, Naked Gun should have no problems. The Sledge Hammer connection is a sign of good things to come, too. Rasche was one of the reasons I bothered with "Burn After Reading". Still need to get his show on dvd, too...They'd be really ballsy to remake or do a sequel to Airplane, though. [Oh, wait, they did with Soul Plane. N/M...]
David: The Wayans had some good material up until Scary Movie.
Posted by D.Z.
at February 26, 2009 6:33 PM
comment #33
Cadavra
says ...
With all due respect, Nielsen is 83. A cameo would be swell, but expecting him to carry an entire picture is asking a lot.
Posted by Cadavra
at February 26, 2009 8:41 PM
comment #34
shermy
says ...
Once you title a film The Naked Gun: What, 4? - The Rhythm of Evil, I think you pretty much have to make it. (I added the comma, because I wanted to see one in there.)
I miss the days when people would make a film just because they had a title. For some reason, we've lost that along the way.
Posted by shermy
at February 26, 2009 8:47 PM
comment #35
CitizenKanedforChewingGum
says ...
D.Z. - There was absolutely no "peaking" go on with Mafia! and BASEketball, they were distinctly on the downward curve for the ZAZ team.
Having said that, they are both personal guilty pleasures.
Posted by CitizenKanedforChewingGum
at February 26, 2009 10:41 PM
comment #36
Edward
says ...
Leslie Nielsen and George Kennedy must have cameos at the very least.
Posted by Edward
at February 26, 2009 11:49 PM
comment #37
Josh Massey
says ...
"I miss the days when people would make a film just because they had a title."
I'm still waiting for Spaceballs III: The Search For Part II.
Posted by Josh Massey
at February 27, 2009 7:36 AM
comment #38
D.Z.
says ...
Kane: I consider the Scary Movie sequels the downward curve for them. Mafia and Baseketeball were at least sorta funny, just not enough to redeem the films. But Scary Movie's just trying to play that spoof-a-minute gimmick of Family Guy.
Posted by D.Z.
at February 27, 2009 7:22 PM
comment #39
Replicant
says ...
What 4? For laughs, which is what you'll get with a script by Alan Spencer.
The fourth time's the charm for NAKED. The rhythm of evil is gonna be rapid-fire laughs punctuated with intermittant blasts of humor. Greenlighting this should be a no-brainer for Paramount.
Posted by Replicant
at March 14, 2009 7:59 PM
comment #40
pianoman sledgehead
says ...
Alan Spencer of Sledge Hammer! and Hexed fame should get this movie aired he is a comic genius that deserves this movie released by a major studio.
I am sure that this release will provide many laughs if I know Alan, and that is what he is all about! Making people laugh!
Posted by pianoman sledgehead
at March 16, 2009 3:06 AM
comment #41
JustThisGuy
says ...
Anyone know if a copy of this script is floating around the internet yet?
Posted by JustThisGuy
at March 20, 2009 4:19 PM
comment #42
buck shot
says ...
Spencer's Sledge Hammer! is classic cop comedy - goofy fun without being moronic. "Shirley" his NG4 script is well worth a read.
David Rasche could easily slip into the Frank Drebin role . . . or whatever kind of slip David slips into.
Posted by buck shot
at April 10, 2009 12:48 AM
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David Rasche could easily slip into the Frank Drebin role . . . or whatever kind of slip David slips into.
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