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Among Esquire.com's Alternative Oscar salutations, which were posted earlier today. Actually there are only three that got me.

(a) The most moving monologue of the year delivered by Jean Claude van Damme in JCVD, to wit: "When you're 13, you believe in your dream. Well, it came true for me. But I still ask myself today what I've done on this earth. Nothing! I've done nothing!"

(b) Best Profane Dialogue from In Bruges, from a conversation between an Irish assassin (Brendan Gleeson) and his gangster boss (Ralph Fiennes).

Ken [Gleeson]: "Harry, let's face it. And I'm not being funny. I mean no disrespect, but you're a cunt. You're a cunt now, and you've always been a cunt. And the only thing that's going to change is that you're going to be an even bigger cunt. Maybe have some more cunt kids." Harry [Fiennes, furious]: "Leave my kids fucking out of it! What have they done? You fucking retract that bit about my cunt fucking kids!" Ken: "I retract that bit about your cunt fucking kids." Harry: "Insult my fucking kids? That's going overboard, mate!" Ken: "I retracted it, didn't I?"

(c) Best piece of clothing -- the white gloves in Funny Games. "The plain white gloves worn by the sadistic neighbors conjure at once the cruel indifference of butlers, scientists, and the guy who puts the ball back on the table in professional snooker. Those gloves say more about the human condition than the entire wardrobe of Sex and the City."

I'm not so sure about the white gloves, now that I've thought a bit more about it.

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Posted by Jeffrey Wells on February 19, 2009 at 10:33 AM

comment #1

dangovich says ...

It's weird how, as a swear word, "cunt" is so popular in the UK yet has never caught on here in the States .

Posted by dangovich at February 19, 2009 10:53 AM

comment #2

actionman says ...

loved every surreal moment of In Bruges

quite anxious to see JCVD

Posted by actionman at February 19, 2009 11:09 AM

comment #3

Sabina E says ...

dangovich, oh I know. I'm a self-proclaimed feminist raised in the UK and I love saying "cunt." It's seen as an endearing term by the Brits, but not here in the States. i've gotten yelled at by American feminists for using the term.

whatever.... bloody cunts.

Posted by Sabina E at February 19, 2009 11:13 AM

comment #4

Sabina E says ...

and I REALLY liked Michael Pitt's performance in FUNNY GAMES. I've never thought of those white gloves in that way, but it makes a lot of sense, I suppose.

Posted by Sabina E at February 19, 2009 11:14 AM

comment #5

Scott Mendelson says ...

I'd argue that, aside from racial slurs and the like, 'cunt' is the only profanity that actually is still considered truly offensive in the US.

Posted by Scott Mendelson at February 19, 2009 11:15 AM

comment #6

actionman says ...

I'd agree with you, Scott. That's just about the only word that seems to get a rise out of peeps these days.

Posted by actionman at February 19, 2009 11:16 AM

comment #7

Phatang! says ...

Of course Larry David did a bit on that on "Curb..." a few years ago. And "cunt" briefly took off with "Deadwood," to the point where the "In Bruges" dialogue above read as a little stale to me (except for the response, which was funny, even if it should've been "cunt kids," instead of "cunt fucking kids.")

Posted by Phatang! at February 19, 2009 11:28 AM

comment #8

Rothchild says ...

I'm trying to figure out why Wells walked out of The Brothers Bloom.

Posted by Rothchild at February 19, 2009 11:31 AM

comment #9

Deathtongue_Groupie says ...

I'll third the sentiment - the "c-word" is thermonuclear of profanity when used non-sexually in an argument with a woman.

It will obliterate all chance of a rational conclusion. It is the ultimate insult to hurl at woman. In fact, in all my years I've only used it one time to in regards to someone, a co-worker I found was gossiping about me to others.

Back in my dating days, I knew a couple of women who liked to use it in certain intimate settings when they were feeling, shall we say, particularly "primal" in the heat of the moment.

Posted by Deathtongue_Groupie at February 19, 2009 11:37 AM

comment #10

CitizenKanedforChewingGum says ...

While the rest of the movie is merely above average -- still enough to make it the "best" Van Damme movie ever (well, if you don't include Predator, and most don't) -- that monologue in JCVD is really quite something to behold. I don't know about the best monologue this year, but it's certainly the best something. Not exactly sure what.

The scene is youtube-able, if you're curious about the it but have no interest in sitting through a JCVD movie, despite its merits as a decent flick.

Posted by CitizenKanedforChewingGum at February 19, 2009 11:45 AM

comment #11

Ryansi51 says ...

just reading the In Bruges dialogue made me laugh out loud. It gets better every time you watch it.

Posted by Ryansi51 at February 19, 2009 11:49 AM

comment #12

Colin says ...

Funny Games was the worst piece of crap I have ever seen. And I saw Breakfast of Champions in theatres!

Posted by Colin at February 19, 2009 11:55 AM

comment #13

raygo says ...

Van Damme is not in Predator ... unless I missed something. That would be Arnold. Still a great action/alien flick, though.

Posted by raygo at February 19, 2009 11:57 AM

comment #14

actionman says ...

Vam Damme was the first actor inside of the Predator suit. He got shit-canned when the dailies came in and he was too short to go up against Arnie.

Breakast of Champions! What a whacked-out fuckin' movie that was! And the original Funny Games was a masterpiece -- don't know about the remake as I didn't think I needed to see the same film all over again. Once was enough.

Posted by actionman at February 19, 2009 12:00 PM

comment #15

MindlessObamaton says ...

Friend of my wife's HATES the word bitch, yet, finfs cunt to be okay, even sexy at the right moments. Women are strange.

Posted by MindlessObamaton at February 19, 2009 12:00 PM

comment #16

Colin says ...

actionman,

Michael Pitt trying to be a badass is sad. You are lucky you missed it.

Posted by Colin at February 19, 2009 12:03 PM

comment #17

Rich S. says ...

Wasn't Van Damme also the model for the "shimmery" stealth Predator as it leaped from tree to tree?

Posted by Rich S. at February 19, 2009 12:04 PM

comment #18

arturobandini2 says ...

The more congested traffic becomes in L.A., the more frequently I say "cunt" -- "mutherfucking CUNT!!" to be exact. The biggest cunt drivers in the world all live in Los Angeles. And none of them understand what the turn signal or the rear-view mirror is for.

En-Ra-Hah, cunt!

Posted by arturobandini2 at February 19, 2009 12:10 PM

comment #19

actionman says ...

En-Ra-Hah! Now that's pretty sweet, Bandini.

Colin -- yeah -- Pitt is an interesting dude -- not sure I'd buy him as a sociopathic/psychopathic killer. He was incredible, however, in Last Days.

Posted by actionman at February 19, 2009 12:12 PM

comment #20

Deathtongue_Groupie says ...

Mindless - agree with you there. A friend of the wife cannot stand the word "slut" but apparently you can call her "bitch" in bed and she's fine with it. Trying to figure out things like that? That way madness lies...

Posted by Deathtongue_Groupie at February 19, 2009 12:27 PM

comment #21

Sabina E says ...

I like the word "cunt" and "bitch." I think they're empowering words, implying a strong, no-nonsense woman. That's just how I see the words.

I hate the word "slut" and "whore" though. They'e always thrown at females, but not at males. There seems to be no male equivalent for "whore" or "slut."

Not fair.

Posted by Sabina E at February 19, 2009 12:31 PM

comment #22

berg says ...

There seems to be no male equivalent for "whore" ...,

Manwhore ... and I was always upset by the use of the word squaw. There was an episode of Wagon Train where Barbara Stanwyk called Carolyn Jones a squaw, and I thought I might lose it ...

Posted by berg at February 19, 2009 12:58 PM

comment #23

Wiggumx says ...

Re: IMDB

"According to an interview with director John McTiernan, the "hole in the jungle" appearance of the Predator was played by Jean-Claude Van Damme in a "blue screen" (actually red) suit. Van Damme quit after two days, unhappy with being cast as an uncredited special effect. The alien was scrapped, redesigned and was eventually played by 7'2" Kevin Peter Hall."

Posted by Wiggumx at February 19, 2009 1:03 PM

comment #24