Worldwide Aliens

email this story
read comments (12)
post a comment

I've been fuming all my life at the martian-head rule that dominates each and every full-body statue in every corner of the world. A naturally proportioned full-body statue will create an impression, viewed from below, of the figure's head being too small. The age-old solution has been a rule that all statues must have disproportionately large heads. Except every sculptor in the known world has over-submitted to this rule, and -- this is the odd part -- to the exact same degree. I'm talking 100% uniformity.

The bizarre result is that every statue in the world, from Beijing to Bangor to Timbuktu, seems to have a genetic commonality in the same way that people afflicted with Down's Syndrome seem to have the same kind of slanted eyes and doughy bodies. Every statued figure in the world (including John Wayne on his horse at the corner of Wilshire and La Cienega) looks like a space alien with a strangely swollen cranium.

This has been driving me insane for years. I know this rule will hold throughout eternity because the standing-statue mafia is too dug in, and that no one will ever listen, and I'll be alone with this for the rest of my life. But I'm right. It almost seems like a deliberate provocation on the part of the powers that be. We're going to put martian-head statues in every city around the world, they almost seem to be saying, and we want to see how far we can push it. Or rather, we want to see if anyone will have the spirit to say anything about this, or if people will just accept it like they accept everything else.

I know that every time I come upon a standing statue (most often in Europe), I mutter a tiny little "fuck you" under my breath. It gets me every time.

"Can't Hear"<< previous | next >>Life Is Hard

Posted by Jeffrey Wells on March 28, 2009 at 7:06 AM

comment #1

George Prager says ...

Remember when they had flat Chunkys? What was up with that? It made no sense!

Posted by George Prager at March 28, 2009 8:46 AM

comment #2

Rich S. says ...

If they ever made a statue of Pat Sajak, it would look like a basketball on a broomstick.

Posted by Rich S. at March 28, 2009 9:35 AM

comment #3

iamjoe says ...

Imagine if any of said statues were wearing low thread count clothing; this post would have double the hellstorm in it....

Posted by iamjoe at March 28, 2009 9:51 AM

comment #4

AndrewOwens says ...

Never noticed this before, but will probably think of it every time I look at a statue now.

The only sculpture "rule" I was aware of was that if the dude is on a horse and it has all four feet on the ground, he died in peace time. If it has one foot raised he died during a war but not in battle, and if it has two feet raised he died in battle.

Presumably if there are three feet raised he was killed by being thrown from his horse.

Posted by AndrewOwens at March 28, 2009 9:56 AM

comment #5

Sabina E says ...

haha now Downs Syndrome advocates are gonna be pissed at you for that. but yeah, I never really thought about what you said of statues... I will have to pay closer attention to 'em now.

Posted by Sabina E at March 28, 2009 10:29 AM

comment #6

Wrecktem says ...

You know, I'm a big fan of statues (equestrian or not, giant noggin notwithstanding) and I've never heard about that whole horse-with-feet-raised rule. It turns out it's stupid and wrong, and that's why I've never heard of it.

Posted by Wrecktem at March 28, 2009 10:29 AM

comment #7

Deathtongue_Groupie says ...

Considering that you almost never hear about new full body statues being unveiled in this day and age this sure seems an odd thing to rant about as a going concern. Full busts, those with the just the tie area V thing or plain old heads you still see, sure but I can't remember the last time a person had one dedicated to them.

I've always found it rather perfect that the John Wayne statue in question is in front of the Larry Flynt building, as your average Hustler "reader" when I was growing up were John Wayne loving rednecks.

Posted by Deathtongue_Groupie at March 28, 2009 11:32 AM

comment #8