comment #1

lazespud says ...

No offense Jeff, but if you had an affair with a married woman, you are a shit.

And to excuse the shit behavior of some politicians because having affairs "is part of their makeup" is ridiculous. Did you read what you just wrote? You basically blamed the wife for their "powerful" husband's affair... after all it was in their "makeup" and if the woman didn't realize this she was just being an idiot. You know, SHE'S the asshole in the situation, not her husband or his mistress.

comment #2

vansmith says ...

The heart wants what it wants, but so does the groin. Pols are hounds because they can be. They get around. In this case, this woman gave him everything, his career, his sons, she managed his life and in effect cut off his balls. Women will do that to you if you let them. So he gets with a woman who makes him feel like a MAN, but flying to Argentina, mucho stupidoooo

comment #3

Admiral82 says ...

I'm not going to judge like that, Jeff. People fill voids in their lives every single day. I'm sure she was unhappy or "hubby" didn't take care of his business.

I myself was involved with a girl in a lesbian relationship. She found something in me her girlfriend couldn't even touch (no pun intended).

comment #4

Steven Kar says ...

Admiral,

Show off.

comment #5

btwnproductions says ...

Sanford's wife, Spitzer's wife, Hillary Clinton--they know the score. I realize we're not liiving on the Continent, but it would be a refreshing change to hear one of these women admit, "yes, I know all about it, and I've accommodated myself to it," rather than fall back on the victim/therapy/need some time/praying to Jesus routine. That wouldn't excuse the hyprocrisy and rule-breaking that go with it, and would further the debate on discussion of morality in public life.

comment #6

KC says ...

I have mad respect for this dude's wife, telling the press she had no idea where he was is one of the all-time classic public ballbusting moves. Disappointing to see the obligatory Stepford press release late yesterday but good on her for not showing up to that Erotic Blagojevich press conference.

comment #7

Jeffrey Wells says ...

Wells to lazespud: You speak about my being a "shit" for having been in an illicit affair in the same way people should be condemned for stealing or child-molesting or leaving the scene of an accident. What are you, a rabbi? People fall in and out of love all the time. It takes two to tango. All's fair in love and war. Nobody twisted anyone's arm, I can tell you, and I feel absolutely secure in the knowledge that the fact that her marriage eventually fell apart was definitely for the best. Despite the enormous hurt all around I'm enormously glad that it happened. It was one of the greatest things I've ever known in an emotional sense, and I know I'll still be thinking about it when I'm 90 years old. The heart really does want what it wants. You can put on your Boy Scout uniform and wag your finger and go "tsk tsk" all you want and that won't change who we basically are. I know that people who've "been there" tend not to judge others who have, so I guess that leaves you out, huh?

comment #8

Ju-osh says ...

Whoever comes up with the correct count of cliches used in Jeff's response (above) wins an...um...er...apology.

comment #9

Ju-osh says ...

I'll get you started:

1. People fall in and out of love all the time.
2. It takes two to tango.
3. All's fair in love and war.
4. Nobody twisted anyone's arm

(And that's without cutting a single word!)

comment #10

Mark says ...

It was one of the greatest things I've ever known in an emotional sense...

Now that's some illicit sex, amen. I'm sure part of the allure was secretly knowing it was ephemeral. Sort of like why peole recall so fondly memories of summer love. When people know it will end, it forces them to live in the moment. The key to a happy profound life experience may be to succeed at always living in the moment without recognizing the end or even mortality.

comment #11

btwnproductions says ...

There's plenty of judgment on the part of those who have cheated. A number of Clinton's accusers had extramarital pasts as he was in the hot seat. And Sanford clearly learned nothing from it.

Just as it is seemingly ingrained for some of us to cheat, so is it seemingly ingrained for some of us not to. But it's never as simple as black and white.

comment #12

Jeffrey Wells says ...

I deliberately used cliches to underscore the universality and inevitabilty of extra-marital affairs. And because cliches become cliches because they're true.

comment #13

nwfilmforum says ...

Good ol' Wells, always pissing in another man's green beans.

comment #14

Uncle Larry says ...

Fidelity is a choice.

So is infidelity.

It's about respect for the other person in a committed relationship. If you have it, you don't cheat, no matter how tempting.

The heart wants what the heart wants - but then own it and don't try to excuse it. It's not about morality; it's about responsibility.

comment #15

vansmith says ...

Mark is right living in the moment is what is intensified in an affair, they taste better, they smell better, and then they are gone....but then they are back!!! and on it goes until its done for good...

comment #16

Stringer Bell says ...

Hot button topic. It's like watching 'The View'.

I myself frown on Extra-Marital affairs. Besides being morally wrong, it can completely wreck an entire family's lives (children, parents, relatives, grandparents ... you name it).

If you have to have an affair, do so after there's at least a 'legal separation' in a marriage. I'm not from Mayberry, and ultimately, plain and simple, what's right is right and what's wrong is wrong.

comment #17

Movie Watcher says ...

That was a weird press conference. Obiviously Sanford is done, and his resignation SHOULD follow shortly. I say that because repubs always do that shit, they just can't let it go. I hope the wife does ok. Great example for his four sons. Man, what are they thinking!
I know this is cheesy, but....the heart wants what it wants, and the dick usually gets what it wants.

comment #18

Ghost072 says ...

Ju-osh, I counted four. No apology necessary.

And I agree with you wholeheartedly, Jeff. Maybe the truest cliche ever is "all's fair in love in war." I did get the sense that Sanford truly fell in love with this woman, too, which is a welcome change from the Spitzers and Clintons of the world (even though I agree more with them politically then Sanford).

I once fell in love with the girlfriend of a friend and while the initial shitstorm was a pain in the ass and it took me a while to repair the friendship, I wouldn't give up the nine years she and I had together for anyone or their judgmental "moral" rules. Sometimes the rules don't apply; the trick is knowing when.

comment #19

JapAdapters says ...

I've been in love twice in my life, once with my ex-girlfriend (of five years) and the second time with my wife (who I've been with for 13 years). There was a brief period of overlap, which mostly sucked because I couldn't bring myself to lie about it and felt some deep shame, even though the first relationship was in the middle of running its natural course. However, the sex was fantastic all around.

I remember in the middle of this period I took my father, who had been known to stray, out for Father's Day and we talked about my situation. He basically told me 'don't develop a tooth for it because it's a hard habit to break'. Sound advice and the only kind of its sort I've taken from the man.

comment #20

dkaye says ...

It's not about the sex or private lives here, but it's all about the hypocrisy. Sanford was another one of the "moral values" GOP crowd, going to prayer groups, defending the "sanctity" of marriage, blah blah, blah...now he joins the list with Craig, Vitter, Foley and Ensign. What sad, pathetic little men. And we still don't know if he did it on the taxpayer's dime...while denying stimulus funds to keep teachers in his state employed. These GOP dickwads don't even know when they've hit bottom.

comment #21

Midwest Doug says ...

I glanced thru Sanford's emails. My respect for him went up. I'm sure he'll be chided by the right for not being strong, but think of all the nastiness that could have been revealed in the emails. And what does it show? A conflicted person, but somebody who seems like a decent human being (temptation aside).

On a personal note, Jeff, I love when you write about infidelity. Your wisdom shows.

comment #22

corey3rd says ...

Colbert exposed Sanford as an utter bore. I expected even less out of his emails

and what is up with the politicians that can't convince their wives into threesomes?

comment #23

BoshBarnetWonkyDonkey says ...

Why is Jeff getting shit for being "the other guy"? Isn't it the married woman who deserves the scorn? After all, she was the one with the husband. Jeff was just doing what any dude would if given the opportunity. It's not his lookout to preserve the marriage, it's hers.

Off-topic, but Farrah Fawcett's died.

comment #24

cinefan says ...

Very sad news: the death of Farrah Fawcett. My thoughts and prayers go out to Ryan O'Neal and the rest of her family.

comment #25

ErrantElan says ...

Eh, forget "Republican hypocrisy" or "the heart wants what it wants", etc. The REAL moral of this story is:

Never get fucking married.

Bill Maher's always had it right.

comment #26

buster keaton says ...

It's still the same old story, a fight for love or glory, a case of do or die, the fundamental things apply as time goes by. . . .

comment #27

buster keaton says ...

Oops. Love AND glory. Sorry, Dooley. . . .

comment #28

MickTravisMcGee says ...

Neither here nor there but since it's been a frequent topic around here I thought I'd point out that Farrah Fawcett has died.

comment #29

JohnCope says ...

I keep expecting Steve Wilkos to show up, throw a chair at Jeff and bellow:

"Get Off My Stage!"

Anyway, ErrantElan is right, more or less. At this time in history there seems very little reason to get married. As far as I can tell few people take marriage seriously as an idea, let alone are willing to ideologically commit themselves to it, its implications or its sources. If that isn't done then pretty much all you're left with is the shallow end of the pool style sentimentality that marks modern wedding ceremonies and extends into the marriages themselves.

comment #30

DeeZee says ...

vansmith: "The heart wants what it wants, but so does the groin."

Then the groin shouldn't be surprised when it gets the clap the next morning...

Jeff: "The heart really does want what it wants."

That's the kind of boomer thinking which gave us AIDS...

Doug: My respect for him went down when I found he was banging her on Father's Day.

Bosh: "Isn't it the married woman who deserves the scorn? After all, she was the one with the husband."

Jeff could've called it off, though.

comment #31

BoshBarnetWonkyDonkey says ...

DeeZee: why should Jeff call it off though? He's having fun, and it's not his concern that she's married. It's her deal. Unless the dude was a friend of his, I'd say he only did what any other bloke would do.

comment #32

DeeZee says ...

Bosh: He's having fun at someone else's expense. And it makes him look hypocritical going after CEOs doing the same thing with the public's money.

comment #33

Travis Crabtree says ...

"Cliches become cliches because they're true."

Isn't that a cliche?

comment #34

ErrantElan says ...

Am I the only person who never actually saw Farrah Fawcett on-screen in my entire life? I was born too late (1980) for Charlie's Angels, and did she ever do anything else but TV movies?

Logan's Run, ok, but I've actually never seen that. Rest in peace, of course - not meant as a shot at her. Just don't think people of my generation even know who she is AT ALL.

comment #35

KC says ...

I promise never ever to turn up my nose in judgment of Jeff's thing with the married journalist so long as I can continue to assume that it is the secret origin of the Wells-Finke-Poland Axis of Butthurt

comment #36

BoshBarnetWonkyDonkey says ...

DeeZee: that's a bit of a stretch. And surely the pissing in the Del Monte is a clearer example of that.

comment #37

Howlingman says ...

I think we're all avoiding the real question: did the Republican Party piss off a Gypsy, and if so, how many days do they have before they're dragged to Hell?

comment #38

DeeZee says ...

Errant: Nope, you're not the only one. My experience with Charlie's Angels started with the Benny Hill parody.

comment #39

kingofnails says ...

Has anyone seen SILENT LIGHT?

Somebody should send Mark Sanford a copy...

comment #40

bondjamesbond says ...

The heart wants what it wants, and some of them want Transformers in IMAX. Is that OK, too, then?

comment #41

George Prager says ...

MYRA BRECKINRIDGE, THE APOSTLE

comment #42

errolmorrisfan says ...

Jeff had an hot, sexual affair with a married journalist? I didn't realize Nikki Finke was married.

comment #43

lazespud says ...

Lazespud back to wells:

"The heart really does want what it wants. You can put on your Boy Scout uniform and wag your finger and go "tsk tsk" all you want and that won't change who we basically are. I know that people who've "been there" tend not to judge others who have, so I guess that leaves you out, huh?"

I've been there in two senses; one in that a married friend came on to me pretty consistently; I told her at the time I didn't have any interest in having a relationship with her if her husband wasn't aware of it. He was a complete asshole, but having an affair wouldn't have improved the situation.

And, as you could probably surmise, my ex-wife had an affair. I will tell you, it fuckin hurt. Our relationship didn't seem bad at the time, but clearly there was something missing for her; I just wish she had been clear with me and we could have ended the thing. Probably would have been better for her, certainly for me, and maybe even for the other shit that I lumped you in with in my mind.

So you're right, I haven't "been there" in the incapable of accounting for others feelings while being a horndog sense, but I have been there nonetheless.

I've listened to Dan Savage enough to know that there a a million different kinds of successful relationships; including ones that account for multiple partners, etc. But I think that the best situation usually has openness. And in your position; you imply that the fact that she was married made it a hotter experience... I would ask why? why wouldn't it have been better to have a relationship with the same woman if she were single?

comment #44

frankbooth says ...

"Falling in love in the wrong way -- illicitly -- is always a troubling but mesmerizing experience, to put it mildly. You obviously know it's not "right," but dangerous affairs can make you feel intensely alive and vibrant, like you're 19 years old and tasting God's glorious nectar for the first time."

So absolutely true.

When I was 30 (um, a few years ago) I had been living with the same woman for over five years. It had gotten completely stale, and I didn't have the guts to get out of it in an upright, decent manner. (I was also drunk all the time, and had little experience doing anything at all in an upright, decent manner.)

I started messing around with a eighteen-year-old I had become friendly with, and it turned into a full-blown, sneaking-around affair.

The "on the sly" aspect of it was most definitely part of the thrill. We were always peering around for people we knew, wearing dark glasses and hats, the whole bit. Once, the manager of our apartment building -- who was female and friendly with girlfriend #1, and would have gleefully turned me in in a second -- knocked on my door when the other girl was over and we were both naked. It was like a scene from a movie, with her clutching her clothes and running into the bedroom as I shouted "Just a minute, I'm not dressed...."

We couldn't go to her place because she still lived with her parents. Though actually, we did at least once, when they weren't home. The fear of being caught by a Filipino father with his barely-out-of-high-school daughter is a real jolt, lemme tell you.

The thing is, it eventually became a drag. We wanted to be able to go places together, to hang out like normal people. Eventually I confessed, got thrown out, and stayed with a pal until I could find a place with Miss Eighteen. We became a legit couple (I was surprised how many mutual friends didn't hold it against me; turns out quite a few of them had never really liked girlfriend #1) and two years later, we were done.

Do I regret it? Yes, I regret the way I treated #1. She didn't deserve it. Would I undo it if I could? Honestly, no. Those are some of the most favorably intense experiences I've ever had, and I'd be lying if I said I'd give up the memories. I'm just not that spiritually advanced.

And I've even resisted posting pics of Miss Eighteen (Miss Twenty-One when she dumped me) on one of those "naked ex-girlfriend" revenge sites. Because I'm a gentleman.

comment #45

mtgilchrist says ...

I don't necessarily agree with everything Wells said in his original post - at least in terms of the idea of utter helplessness or succumbing to the allure of such an attraction absolving you of the responsibility for its outcome, but the bottom line is that it's nobody's responsibility but the person's to be faithful. The victim of cheating is the person who is cheated on and the perpetrator is the person cheating. The third person isn't responsible for ensuring that the person they're interested in or attracted to is faithful, and why should it be?

That said, throwing another cliche into the ring, you play with fire, you're gonna get burned. If you knowingly enter into a relationship with someone committed to someone else, you have to deal with what happens when it goes to shit. Additionally, and specifically referring to the politicians and people described above who are already in relationships and cheat, if you're not mature enough to acknowledge attraction to other people without acting on it, they you don't deserve to be in a relationship in the first place. Part of being an adult is taking responsibility for yourself, showing self-restraint, and behaving in a way that's respectful to yourself and others, and fucking around with anyone because you were horny if you're already with somebody is reprehensible behavior. Because if you're literally incapable of controlling yourself when you see a hot girl or guy and simply must fuck them, you're a sociopath.

comment #46

btwnproductions says ...

I will add that Gov. David Paterson and his wife handled this beautifully after the Spitzer meltdown. They both confessed to infidelities, and the state moved on.

comment #47

Floyd Thursby says ...

"Powerful politicians almost always fool around."

Nixon?
Everett Dirksen?
Maggie Thatcher?
Obama?

comment #48

gafi says ...

Si vous etes interesses par le dossier, ou desirez en savoir plus, contactez-moi par mail, et je vous mettrai en contact.
Best regards,Jane, CEO of sql high availability