Most Wanted
Email here for additions & corrections.

Ishtar
(May, 1987)
The Seven-Per-Cent Solution (OOP)
(Ross, 1976)
The Devils
(Russell, 1974)
The Pirates of Penzance
(Papp/Leach, 1983)
The Fortune
(Nichols, 1975)
-30-
(Webb, 1959)
Betrayal
(Jones, 1983)
Play It As It Lays
(Perry, 1972)
The Outfit
(Flynn, 1973)
Alex in Wonderland
(Mazursky, 1969)
The Legend of Lylah Clare
(Aldrich, 1968)
In The Cool of the Day
(Stevens, 1963)
That Cold Day in the Park
(Altman, 1969)
Thumb Trippin'
(Masters, 1972)
Midas Run
(Kjellin, 1969)
At Long Last Love
(Bogdanovich, 1973)
Brewster McCloud
(Altman, 1972)
Outcast of the Islands
(Reed, 1951)

Reader Submissions

1930's-1950's
The Moon's Our Home
(Seiter, 1936)
Sh! The Octopus
(McGann, 1937)
The Mating Season
(Leisen, 1951)
Bad for Each Other
(Rapper, 1953)
The Phenix City Story
(Karlson, 1955)
Run of the Arrow
(Fuller, 1956)
House of Secrets
(Green, 1956)
Saint Joan
(Preminger, 1957)
Macabre
(Castle, 1958)
The Fiend Who Walked the West
(G. Douglas, 1958
Five Gates to Hell
(Clavell, 1959)
1960's
Key Witness
(Karlson, 1960)
Summer and Smoke
(Glenville, 1961)
The Chapman Report
(Cukor,1962)
Bachelor Flat
(Tashlin, 1962) [on Hulu]
The L Shaped Room
(Forbes, 1963)
The Chalk Garden
(Neame, 1964)
A Thousand Clowns
(Coe, 1965)
You're a Big Boy Now
(Coppola, 1966)
The Whisperers
(Forbes, 1967)
Dark of the Sun
(Cardiff, 1968)
Skidoo
(Preminger, 1968)
Last Summer
(Perry, 1969)
The Comic
(C. Reiner, 1969)
1970-1974
The Revolutionary
(Williams, 1970)
The Landlord
(Ashby, 1970)
Diary of a Mad Housewife
(Perry, 1970)
Tropic of Cancer
(Strick, 1970)
I Never Sang for My Father
(Cates, 1970)
Sometimes a Great Notion
(Newman, 1971)
Marriage of a Young Stockbroker
(Turman, 1971)
The Music Lovers
(Russell, 1971)
Drive, He Said
(Nicholson, 1971)
The Steagle
(Sylbert, 1971)
The Last Movie
(Hopper, 1971)
Made For Each Other
(Bean, 1971)
The Day the Clown Cried
(Lewis, 1972)
Hickey & Boggs (OOP)
(Culp, 1972)
The Carey Treatment
(Edwards, 1972)
Pete 'n' Tillie
(Ritt, 1972)
Slither
(Zieff, 1973)
Man on a Swing
(Perry, 1974)
Open Season
(Collinson, 1974)
The Tamarind Seed
(Edwards, 1974)
Law and Disorder
(Passer, 1974)
Homebodies
(Yust, 1974)
Stardust
(Apted, 1974)
Celine and Julie Go Boating
(Rivette, 1974)
1975-1979
Rafferty and the Gold Dust Twins
(Richards, 1975
At Long Last Love
(Bogdanovich, 1975)
Hearts of the West
(Zieff, 1975)
Welcome to L.A.
(Rudolph, 1976)
W.C. Fields and Me
(Hiller, 1976)
Citizens Band
(Demme, 1977)
Twilight's Last Gleaming
(Aldrich, 1977)
Looking for Mr. Goodbar
(Brooks, 1977)
Girlfriends
(Weill, 1978)
Movie Movie
(Donen, 1978)
The Medusa Touch
(Gold, 1978)
American Hot Wax
(Mutrux, 1978)
Hot Stuff
(DeLuise, 1979)
Scavenger Hunt
(Schultz , 1979)
Players
(Harvey, 1979)
Rich Kids
(Young, 1979)
Nightwing
(Hiller, 1979)
Screams of a Winter's Night
(Wilson, 1979
When You Comin' Back Red Ryder?
(Katselas, 1979
1980's
Resurrection
(Petrie, 1980)
The Awakening
(Newell, 1980)
Simon
(Brickman, 1980)
God's Angry Man
(Herzog, 1980)
Fast-Walking
(Harris, 1982)
Twice Upon a Time
(Korty & Swenson, 1983)
Trouble in Mind
(Rudolph, 1985)
When the Wind Blows
(Murikami, 1986)
Housekeeping
(Forsyth, 1987)
The Glass Menagerie
(Newman, 1987)
Patty Hearst
(Schrader, 1988)
Drowning by Numbers
(Greenaway, 1988)
Haunted Summer
(Passer, 1988)
The Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years
(Spheeris, 1988)
1990's
Old Times
(Curtis, 1991)
Prospero's Books
(Greenaway, 1991)
City of Hope
(Sayles, 1991)
The Baby of Macon
(Greenaway, 1993)
King of the Hill
(Soderbergh, 1993)
Dadetown
(Hexter, 1995)
SubUrbia
(Linklater, 1997)

Just Hot Enough

As I explained in my just-posted reasons to be pretty review, the plot of Neil LaBute's play is triggered by an overheard ill-chosen remark by factory-worker Greg (Thomas Sadoski) that the face of his live-in girlfriend Steph (Marin Ireland) is "normal," which she finds so devastating that she leaves him. He tells her that he meant "normal" as a compliment but it it doesn't fly.

To describe a woman you care for as "normal" obviously means you don't see her as drop-dead attractive. It means that you see her face as fine, good enough, pleasant, half-there. Most of us think of "normal" as one step up from homely -- obviously a hurtful thing to say about anyone. (I would never use the term"ugly" to describe anyone outside of sufferers of elephant-man disease, and even then I wouldn't use it.) But if you substitute "normal" for a letter grade of B-plus, B, B-minus or C-plus, you could almost see "normal" as a kind of compliment.

Let's consider two well-known quotes to start things off. Albert Brooks' character voiced the first in Broadcast News: "Always choose a woman who's just hot enough to turn you on." He could have continued by saying, "Reach a little bit higher than that and you're flirting with trouble. Go much higher than that and you're flat-out asking for it." The other quote is from a famous early '60s Jimmy Soul tune that goes "if you want to be happy for the rest of your life, don't make a pretty woman your wife."

Life has taught most of us that the best women to be with in a relationship are B-plusses, Bs, B-minuses and C-plusses. I'm not saying you can't be perfectly happy with a triple-A or a double-A -- I'm saying that happiness odds increase when you drop down into the B and high-C categories. Every now and then you'll get lucky and meet a lovely, spiritually attractive, good-for-the-soul A-minus woman, but the odds don't favor it.

That's because A-category women -- especially the model-pretty, drop-dead glammies (be they rail thin or breathtakingly curvy and buxom) whom I categorize as triple-As and double-As -- are often trouble and not worth the long-run grief. Because they know it's not that hard to find a replacement at a drop of a hat and are therefore a bit more adjusted to the idea of trading up if push comes to shove. They'll almost never admit this (even to themselves), but this is often how things work.

This is why describing a woman as a B or a high-C is a compliment -- because you're saying in effect that she's probably got good internal qualities as well as looks. You're saying that she's probably a good person inside, good all around the track, keeper material, etc.

Thank God for life's exceptions (my last serious relationship was with a solid A and she was fine all around for the most part) but many A-category women (with the exception of A-minus types) are a handful -- often with very pricey material expectations and wanting things to be as good as what they got from their well-to-do dads if not better, aware that they can trade up fairly easily if the mood strikes, often looking around for a better deal if there are any troublesome issues with their current beau (and what relationships don't have issues?), or at least exhibiting a tendency to re-assess and renegotiate with much greater frequency than B or C-plus women.

This may sound overly pat but A types tend to be less solid due to the fact that men (starting with their fathers, grandfathers and uncles) have been making a big fuss over them all their lives -- catering to them, paying their way, putting them on a pedestal, constantly flattering, quick to offer gifts and concessions and accommodations -- and life has simply never encouraged them to develop that much internally. They've all been taught that all they need to do is look around and send certain signals and guys all around them will drop to their knees and start panting like dogs.

Life would be heavenly and rhapsodic if women had the personality and temperament of dogs -- forever loyal, non-judgmental, constantly affectionate. But that's a loser's dream.

B- and C-level women have tasted a little rejection and have come to understand that love and relationships are a two-way street and that it's not all about them and their whims or whatever. People only develop emotionally and spiritually when they've been forced to, and a certain working familiarity with rejection among women or men obviously tends to encourage this. Knowing that others are more attractive than yourself means you have to work harder and develop the internals in order to compete.

Obviously average- or funny-looking guys luck out now and then (as Marty Ingels did with Shirley Jones as well as that French horse-face guy who hooked up with Racquel Welch in the '70s) but the only way I'd even consider trying to launch a relationship with a solid A, double-A or triple-A would be if they're 45-plus. That's because age tends to take everyone down a peg or two by meat-market standards -- they suddenly realize they're not the package they once were and that younger women are more tantalizing to the most stable providers and that encourages them to develop themselves within and reassess the game and be a tad more accommodating.

By this standard women who are Cs should be even better (sweeter, kinder, fairer-minded, more spiritually resourceful, more turn-the-other-cheek) than Bs, and that C-minuses and Ds would be better still and so on. My closest female friends tend to be from the C and D crowd. I've noticed however, that if women are too far down into C- and D-hood they sometimes develop scars and hang-ups and complications in the other direction. I don't have much experience with Cs and Ds in a romantic vein so I shouldn't say more than this. All my life I've been with (or have pursued) Bs and B-plusses and the occasional A-minus. I've avoided As like the plague and I don't even try to talk to double-As or triple-As at parties.

I had a brief chat with Angelina Jolie not too long ago and I couldn't really relax or be myself. She's a nice person but those lips, those eyes...the whole thing. I was flustered, quietly stammering, trying too hard. I tried to calm down and play it cool and easy, but I'm so used to not even speaking to women of her calibre that I couldn't escape a slight inner trembling.

I didn't want to get this far into it. I'm just saying that calling a woman a B-type can be, in a manner of speaking, a kind of compliment. Let's leave it at that.

"He Knows Not What"<< previous | next >>Bug Spray

Posted by Jeffrey Wells on June 6, 2009 at 9:48 AM

comment #1

KC Author Profile Page says ...

omggggg

Posted by KC Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 12:22 PM

comment #2

KC Author Profile Page says ...

if LexG cranks out a novel in response to this post I will print both of them out and conduct a guerrilla campaign to stitch them into hotel-dresser Bibles alongside the canonical epistles

Posted by KC Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 12:24 PM

comment #3

Jeffrey Wells Author Profile Page says ...

Wells to KC: Before you say "omggggg," talk to James L. Brooks (who wrote Albert Brooks' Broadcast News line) and the guys who wrote that old Jimmy Soul song. All I've done here is expand on their thoughts, with a little nudge from Neil LaBute's reasons to be pretty. Chill down.

Posted by Jeffrey Wells Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 12:29 PM

comment #4

CitizenKanedforChewingGum Author Profile Page says ...

"People only develop emotionally and spiritually when they've been forced to, and a certain working familiarity with rejection among women or men obviously tends to encourage this."

IMHO, This entire piece -- and this line in particular -- is some of your best writing in a long time, Wells. Nice, perceptive work. A few too many mentions of your grading policy, but I suppose that was kinda unavoidable.

That's a great story about Jolie, too -- I'd like to see any man outside of Brad friggin' Pitt not go at least a little gaga over that specimen, yowza!

Posted by CitizenKanedforChewingGum Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 12:34 PM

comment #5

scooterzz Author Profile Page says ...

i believe jimmy soul said it best:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qh9ZZgDqzAg&feature=related

Posted by scooterzz Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 12:37 PM

comment #6

Calraigh Bracken Author Profile Page says ...

''Life would be heavenly and rhapsodic if women had the personality and temperament of dogs ...''

You should really meet this guy-http://arthurkade.com/ The two of you have so much in common it's mildly disturbing.
You could swap tips on your ''gradation'' scales and the merits and demerits of Neil Strauss.

Just curious Jeff, what grade do you give yourself?

Posted by Calraigh Bracken Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 1:51 PM

comment #7

hunterd Author Profile Page says ...

Dude, I love me some In the Company of Men, but why see a LaBute play in 2009? The man is a one trick pony through and through.

Posted by hunterd Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 2:15 PM

comment #8

hunterd Author Profile Page says ...

As for Jolie...I donno, I got flustered when I met Amanda Palmer, but that's because I respect her writing. I suppose the same thing would happen if I met Gabriel Garcia Marquez or Daniel Waters or Todd Solond.

I've never been flustered by a woman's beauty. I just, you know, make sure my pants are properly adjusted and then talk to her like she were an ordinary person. You know why? Because behind the million dollar lips, and the swinging hips...she IS normal. Unexceptional.

I'm not flummoxed by beauty because it passes so quickly. Now, a big, fat, juicy brain...that can get me going. And a big fat juicy brain with smeared eyeliner and some tattoos...but I digress.

Posted by hunterd Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 2:20 PM

comment #9

George Prager Author Profile Page says ...

"You like porno movies? You know...give you a boner?"

Posted by George Prager Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 2:21 PM

comment #10

Josh Massey Author Profile Page says ...

Hell, I'm straight, and I got a bit flustered when I met Pitt. That is one good lookin' dude.

Posted by Josh Massey Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 2:44 PM

comment #11

MilkMan Author Profile Page says ...

Good stuff, Jeff.

Posted by MilkMan Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 3:00 PM

comment #12

btwnproductions Author Profile Page says ...

reasons (which I saw Off Broadway; there have been cuts since) is at the end more open-hearted than most of LaBute's work, so it does mark an advance. Can't say I was all that taken with it, though.

Posted by btwnproductions Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 3:03 PM

comment #13

frankbooth Author Profile Page says ...

"Life would be heavenly and rhapsodic if women had the personality and temperament of dogs ."

Oh my Lord, this one will go down in HE history. I'd put up my shitstorm shutters if I were you, Wells.

Posted by frankbooth Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 3:14 PM

comment #14

Jeffrey Wells Author Profile Page says ...

Wells to Calraigh Bracken: Let's see....I used to be an A minus or maybe a B plus when I was in my 20s and 30s. Now I'm a C, maybe a C-minus in a weathered, sagging-at-the-seams Chris Walken sort of way.

"Life would be heavenly and rhapsodic if women had the personality and temperament of dogs" but of course that's ridiculous -- a drunkard's dream. Women are here to weed out the non-hackers and advance the species and fortify the nests. Men, on the other hand, are dogs. Here are two books that make this claim, and there are many, many others:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Everything-know-about-Men-Learnt/dp/1905102259

http://www.menaredogsbook.com/

Posted by Jeffrey Wells Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 3:44 PM

comment #15

RyanStewart1 Author Profile Page says ...

I once interviewed the British actress Rosamund Pike, who is a AAA Hitchcock blonde, an otherworldly beauty. Several times, looking in her eyes, I literally lost my train of thought and forgot my question. Its true, sometimes they are so pretty its suffocating.

Posted by RyanStewart1 Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 4:48 PM

comment #16

Calraigh Bracken Author Profile Page says ...

'' Women are here to weed out the non-hackers and advance the species and fortify the nests. Men, on the other hand, are dogs.''

This sounds exactly like something Rush Limbaugh would say. You realize this, yes?

Of course those ''books'' are ridiculous but are you telling me that because there's a niche in the market for vapidity that they reflect some level of truth? Do you believe it? Do you think that's justification enough for saying you wish the same was true of women?

I wonder what your female friends think of the fact that they ''tend to be from the C and D crowd'', or maybe it was mutually agreed? In which case, I guess you're friends for a reason.

So an ''A minus'', eh? A little bit more ''solid'' and even you wouldn't talk to you.

Posted by Calraigh Bracken Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 4:54 PM

comment #17

hunterd Author Profile Page says ...

Wells, when we met I really was reminded of Walken. That said, I've also seen a younger version of you on my NoES DVD set, and...you were never an A-minus. That's cool though, because the pompadour was pretty slick anyway.

Posted by hunterd Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 4:59 PM

comment #18

Jeffrey Wells Author Profile Page says ...

Yes, I was.

Posted by Jeffrey Wells Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 5:36 PM

comment #19

Jeffrey Wells Author Profile Page says ...

Wells to C. Bracken: For God's sake, man -- climb off the p.c. bandwagon for two minutes. Yes, there is merit to the fact that men are dogs...of course! Do you live in a Spanish abbey in the hills? Life is cruel, life is unfair and some people are less "attractive" by whatever standard you may want to apply than others. The playing field is not perfectly level and not everyone is as physically appealing as everyone else. There are therefore various grades that apply, depending on your standards. I feel like I'm talking to a child here.

This book tells the absolute truth -- bluntly and candidly. The next time you come out of your convent or monk's abbey and go to a bookstore, buy it and learn a couple of things:

http://www.amazon.com/What-Dont-Want-Women-Know/dp/0312186797

Posted by Jeffrey Wells Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 5:44 PM

comment #20

CitizenKanedforChewingGum Author Profile Page says ...

I'm with you 100% on this, Jeff. No, you're not an asshole for pointing out the way of nature.

Don't expect to level with Ms. Bracken on this subject, however.

Vagina police!

Posted by CitizenKanedforChewingGum Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 6:08 PM

comment #21

Calraigh Bracken Author Profile Page says ...

I live in a loft apartment in Dublin city, Wells.You don't need to be on a p.c bandwagon to acknowledge the fact that you think and write like a dinosaur, however much I agree with your taste in film ( McG, sweet jesus , aside.)

You speak for yourself and for the LexG's of the world but don't presume to to speak for the rest of us, or the ''absolute truth''.
You can sit back and relax with a copy of '' What Men Don't Want Women To Know '' and be delighted with life and the smug satisfaction that comes to people who find validation in such a publication, just remember that it's yours and yours alone.

You say that you ''feel like I'm talking to a child here''- Wells, you're a middle-aged man grading people alphabetically .
The more I think about it, it maybe has something to do with the length of time people spend in L.A being directly proportional to whether they are, as you'd say yourself, ''a quarter-inch deep''.
It's like talking to a 19 yr old fratboy. Fo' realz!

Life is cruel Wells; if nothing else, the Dorian Gray up top there surely serves as a constant reminder.


Posted by Calraigh Bracken Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 6:49 PM

comment #22

Calraigh Bracken Author Profile Page says ...

That's Detective Vagina to you, Citizen.

As you were.

Posted by Calraigh Bracken Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 6:52 PM

comment #23

CitizenKanedforChewingGum Author Profile Page says ...

Oh, please! Everyone (and by "everyone" I'm willing to admit there are certain exceptions, but no more than 5% of the population at most) "grades" -- or has "graded" in the past if they are now in a committed relationship -- their romantic prospects. Maybe not assigning them letter grades, per say, but definitely comparing suitors/suitees looks-wise, or how you'd imagine their performance in bed.

Personality-wise, too, but I'm sure when the sewing circles get together that's not what anyone is interested in anymore than when a bunch of guys discuss hot poontang while watching the game.

It's not exactly the most prideful thing to admit, sure, but what the hell are you going to do? I always find it hard to berate someone who's being damned honest.

But apparently not you, Catty Clouseau (I was going to use another c-word here, but I'm pretty sure it translates a lot more playful in the U.K. than it does here)!

Posted by CitizenKanedforChewingGum Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 7:10 PM

comment #24

Calraigh Bracken Author Profile Page says ...

The ''sewing circle''? ''Catty Clouseau'' ?
How about ya jump in the Tardis and trot on back to 1954. Life was so much easier then, right? Them were the days!

If you're so in favour of being damned honest, why don't you just call me a cunt and be done with it?
It's unfortunate you're ashamed about agreeing with Wells but hey, that's your issue honey, not mine.

Oh and lastly, what has '' the U.K '' got to do with anything?
Think really hard about that last one, Friendo .

Posted by Calraigh Bracken Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 7:33 PM

comment #25

Steven Kar Author Profile Page says ...

Calraigh, you made some good points.

Posted by Steven Kar Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 7:46 PM

comment #26

CitizenKanedforChewingGum Author Profile Page says ...

Ireland, then. My bad. I know it's not the "same difference," but in this particular instance I think you got my point -- just referring more to how an accepted custom of that general area differs from here. No need to get uppity and split cunt hairs.

So you disagree with Wells? What, you don't like your men attractive? Are you an ugly dyke-loving kinda dame? I'm just trying to follow your fundamental disagreement to its natural conclusion.

I love these people (I'm sorry but it's almost always women) who argue this whole "beauty is only skin deep" horseshit. Then you lay eyes on the piece of man-meat she goes home and bangs every night. At a certain point, if someone fights so hard to put up an argument against any superficiality (I agree there's far too much, but it is in our nature, at least to a certain point) , I'll accept anything more than her dating a repulsive parapalegic as proof of rampant hypocrisy.

You judge the people you want to fuck. Fact. I suppose the alternative is you're just a slutty ho who wants to bang anything and everything all the time (not that there's anything wrong with that...at...all). But I really don't see a whole lot of middle ground here. It's either one or the other, isn't it?

I love you, you little Irish firecracker!

Posted by CitizenKanedforChewingGum Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 8:10 PM

comment #27

asd123 Author Profile Page says ...

I'd say this is mostly true for men too, except the bottom-level men are MUCH nastier than the bottom-level women. They tend to be very cynical, bitter, and angry at women, or even at the whole world. Even the ugliest guy in the world feels entitled to a beautiful woman, but ugly girls know they have no chance at a hot guy. The women know that men focus on looks, but the ugly guys are under the delusion that they have other qualities that should make up for their looks. They think they are "smart" because they have nothing better to do than read about Linux, or that they are "nice" because they turn into a lapdog whenever they are around an attractive woman. This is where serial killers, school shooters, and forum-dwelling creeps come from.

Posted by asd123 Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 8:16 PM

comment #28

BoshBarnetWonkyDonkey Author Profile Page says ...

I bet I'd be disappointed with Jolie. For all my teenage years I fantasied about Jennifer Love Hewitt, and then last year I saw her walking through Union Square. I was amazed how average she looked.

Posted by BoshBarnetWonkyDonkey Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 8:19 PM

comment #29

CitizenKanedforChewingGum Author Profile Page says ...

This is also the origin of HE's George Prager.

Posted by CitizenKanedforChewingGum Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 8:20 PM

comment #30

asd123 Author Profile Page says ...

Some of them even post on this page

Posted by asd123 Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 8:21 PM

comment #31

BoshBarnetWonkyDonkey Author Profile Page says ...

asd123: you're probably right. This one lad I know is my age (25) and has still never kissed a girl. The reason is that he thinks himself funny and smart enough to snag Isla Fisher, and therefore won't lower himself to any girl less than that. Which is every girl. He'll be the 40-year old virgin in real life because he's so picky.

Posted by BoshBarnetWonkyDonkey Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 8:24 PM

comment #32

CitizenKanedforChewingGum Author Profile Page says ...

Just hypothetical because I've never met either, but I think Jolie is in an entirely different universe from JLH. There is something very primally magnetic about AJ. She really has something, and I think the fact that I can't get any more specific about what "it" is exactly is somehow a very big part of her appeal.

Love-Hewitt is pretty cute, I guess.

Posted by CitizenKanedforChewingGum Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 8:25 PM

comment #33

CitizenKanedforChewingGum Author Profile Page says ...

BBWD -- If he ever comes to his senses and "lowers his standards," some girl is going to be pretty damn impressed by his relative lack of sexual restraint.

Either that, or disappointed by his impotency.

Not sayin' the guy deserves Isla Fisher.

Just sayin' he's already unintentionally separated himself from the pack, in a sense, even though I'm sure he doesn't look at it that way.

Posted by CitizenKanedforChewingGum Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 8:31 PM

comment #34

BoshBarnetWonkyDonkey Author Profile Page says ...

Kaned: He's rather fat and not pretty at all. He lives in a town small enough that he could have pulled some munter who has tits and a vagina, but they're not Isla Fisher's tits and vagina so he's not interested. It's sad really.

JLH just looked really small, shrewy and crap. In New York you're spoiled, but it's absolutely true there are 10 hotter girls you see on any given weekend night out. Who knows how half these starlets get famous. Blowies is as good a rumour as any.

Posted by BoshBarnetWonkyDonkey Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 8:35 PM

comment #35

CitizenKanedforChewingGum Author Profile Page says ...

He just sounds depressed. But I guess if that's the case, he has his reasons.

Nothing wrong at all with holding out for Ms. Right, IMHO. But eventually you do have to go for the kill -- calling Ms. Right Now!

Posted by CitizenKanedforChewingGum Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 8:45 PM

comment #36

Calraigh Bracken Author Profile Page says ...

Citizen, your reasoning is about as good as your geography, so you might want to pay attention, or who knows, you might end up calling me an ugly dyke! Oh, wait...

What, exactly, has Wells' (and yours, and a handful of men and women in the world) scientifically proven, alphabetical system of judging human and in this particular case, female attractiveness, got to do with who I like to fuck?

By your logic, because I don't automatically assign a guy I want to bang a letter of the alphabet, by default , I'm an ugly feminazi lesbian? This is what you consider following my ''fundamental disagreement to it's natural conclusion''?
What are you, 12?

''You judge the people you want to fuck. Fact.''

Exactly! I couldn't agree more! For Christ's sake, I'm no fucking saint. I've woken up in the morning and cringed at what lay before/beside/beneath me and gotten the hell out of Dodge as fast as my uppity legs could carry me.
Again, arguing against this fascinating way of judging who's worthy of one's time and who isn't, doesn't make me immune to superficiality. I never said it did. I like rock-hard abs as much as the next woman.
I'm well aware that my ass/tits/ face are the first things said abs are going to judge before I open my mouth but that's because superficiality begets the same. Applying that to the rest of humanity is not only the height of narcissism, it's just bloody stupid.

''I suppose the alternative is you're just a slutty ho who wants to bang anything and everything all the time .''

Eh, no.You're all about the absolutes, aren't ya?Unless I'm shagging a ''repulsive parapalegic ( sic '', I'm as shallow as you are?This is the reasoning of a 16 yr old mind so it's best to just leave it at that methinks.

I appreciate the sentiment Citizen but I'd at least like to take you for a test drive first.
I mean, what if you're a D minus?


Posted by Calraigh Bracken Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 9:02 PM

comment #37

BoshBarnetWonkyDonkey Author Profile Page says ...

This is a pretty good thread, all told.

Posted by BoshBarnetWonkyDonkey Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 9:09 PM

comment #38

Stringer Bell Author Profile Page says ...

I think Jeff is a product of NY and LA living. I'm not saying this does not go on in the mid-west, but its less prevalent.

Regardless, you guys should check out the National Enquirer (only for 1 specific issue) where they show hot movie stars with and without makeup. A chick like Eva Longoria can make herself up very nice, but if you've seen pictures of her without makeup, you'd be stunned at how bad she looks. Its the case with many a celebrity and many an 'A+ Hot Chick', where they look downright below average without the right makeup and outfit.

Jeff's right though when he says that these A+ chicks will do nothing but break your heart. They've done it to the 'B' and 'B-'s' like me in the world.

The exceptions are the wealthy. A Howard Stern (Beth Ostrosky) or the guy who married Salma Hayek or Ron Perlman (who married and divorced Ellen Barkin) would never have gotten a shot in a million years if they didnt have a ton of money.

Posted by Stringer Bell Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 9:09 PM

comment #39

BoshBarnetWonkyDonkey Author Profile Page says ...

Even famous people fuck normals from time to time. Julia Roberts, Kate Beckinsale, Jessica Alba. I mean, shit, even Kate Winslet isn't smashing a Greek God. Sam Mendes may be famous but he's no Kevin Sorbo.

Likewise, Matt Damon.

Posted by BoshBarnetWonkyDonkey Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 9:18 PM

comment #40

Stringer Bell Author Profile Page says ...

A prime example of someone shooting for the 'A' or 'A-' and generally wrecking his life was Alec Baldwin (Kim Basinger). There are countless others who took the chance and ruined their lives.

In all honesty, if I had met an 'A' who had the personality and brains of an 'F', I'd want to go out with her till I banged her, and then I'd want to run for the hills. Cameron Diaz, can you hear me?

Posted by Stringer Bell Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 9:21 PM

comment #41

CitizenKanedforChewingGum Author Profile Page says ...

I guess I'm not sure what we're arguing about at this point. So you don't disagree that you can be just as superficial and judgmental about looks, so what is your major beef here? The fact that he assigns letter grades? What would you prefer, a star rating? Dick-up, dick-down, Ebert style? Talk about getting hung up on the surface of things! Speaking of which, you forgot a matching parenthesis to close your pair above. So "( sic (sic)." Eat me.

"Applying that to the rest of humanity is not only the height of narcissism, it's just bloody stupid."

Wait...applying natural human instincts to the rest of humanity is the height of narcissism? How? I don't think anyone is particularly proud of sizing up a potential mate, but I'm not sure it's something that can be fundamentally "argued against," either. Do you believe in evolution?

"I mean, what if you're a D minus?"

And I very well could be. Lucky for me then that I'm not as interested in fucking myself as you seem to be.

Posted by CitizenKanedforChewingGum Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 9:34 PM

comment #42

/3rtfu11 Author Profile Page says ...

Sam Mendes may be famous but he's no Kevin Sorbo.

In relation to other working film directors he is.

Posted by /3rtfu11 Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 10:02 PM

comment #43

CitizenKanedforChewingGum Author Profile Page says ...

And David Fincher is the Brad Pitt of Hollywood filmmakers on the sexy-conversion scale.

Posted by CitizenKanedforChewingGum Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 10:23 PM

comment #44

Calraigh Bracken Author Profile Page says ...

You're not sure about much Citizen, you've got that right anyway.

You're basically equating the pedanticism of rating people according to a system thought up by some of the most narcissistic people on earth, with ''natural human instincts''. You're saying that it's ineluctable and that because I'm criticizing it I'm denying evolution?

The fact that you don't understand the inherent absurdity of assigning attributes to people, according to what they look like, is exactly why you're the kind of person who will defend the principle of it so vehemently. Do you believe in atavism? Essentialism? Phrenology? How about the Four Humours?

Damned honestly, you might want to hone your self-interest pretty sharpish, because with an attitude like yours, it's a wonder you don't have to go fuck yourself more often.

Apologies for the lack of punctuation, I'll try to be more circumspect, considering your delicate sensibility regarding parentheses. I gather it's a sensitive issue.

Posted by Calraigh Bracken Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 10:32 PM

comment #45

Marty Melville Author Profile Page says ...

I hear wedding bells for Calraigh and CitizenKaned.

Too bad Hawks isn't around to film it.

Posted by Marty Melville Author Profile Page at June 6, 2009 11:14 PM

comment #46

Ira Parks Author Profile Page says ...

What is NoES, Hunterd?

Posted by Ira Parks Author Profile Page at June 7, 2009 12:41 AM

comment #47

MDOC Author Profile Page says ...

This is probably my favorite HE blog post ever. Great analysis Jeff. I wish I would have read this when I was 17, it might have saved me from a few nasty scars.

Posted by MDOC Author Profile Page at June 7, 2009 6:50 AM

comment #48

Steven Kar Author Profile Page says ...

Ira,

I think it's Nightmare on Elm Street.

Posted by Steven Kar Author Profile Page at June 7, 2009 7:13 AM

comment #49

George Prager Author Profile Page says ...

To quote Mad Men: "The universe is indifferent."

Posted by George Prager Author Profile Page at June 7, 2009 8:40 AM

comment #50

YRG Author Profile Page says ...

I'm partial to the Mystery Method/Venusian Arts, if I had to choose. Wasn't there a game going around the college campuses a few years back where guys rated whether they would f*** a woman or not, a binary system of sorts that dispensed with grading altogether? I searched for it, but couldn't find a reference. I find the whole thing rather silly, but I'm no lothario. My idea of romantic love comes from the movies, and I've long ago realized that that fantasy is far from the truth.

Posted by YRG Author Profile Page at June 7, 2009 10:11 AM

comment #51

Ira Parks Author Profile Page says ...

Thanks Steven.

Posted by Ira Parks Author Profile Page at June 7, 2009 4:14 PM

comment #52

DeafBrownTrashPunk Author Profile Page says ...

oops, you pissed off a lot of feminists with this blog. I woke up to find a few angry articles written about you on my Google Reader... LOL

Personally, as a feminist, I wasn't offended by this. You were just being honest and I could of see what you were talking about this. I'm the same way... with rating males's looks and bodies, that is.

Posted by DeafBrownTrashPunk Author Profile Page at June 8, 2009 6:53 AM

comment #53

DeafBrownTrashPunk Author Profile Page says ...

In all honesty, if I had met an 'A' who had the personality and brains of an 'F', I'd want to go out with her till I banged her, and then I'd want to run for the hills. Cameron Diaz, can you hear me?

funny, I always thought Cameron Diaz was the other way around.

Posted by DeafBrownTrashPunk Author Profile Page at June 8, 2009 6:57 AM

comment #54

JCEFalconi Author Profile Page says ...

I think this piece woulv'e been misunderstood much, much less. If more emphasis was put on the fact that what you're talking about is a prejudice.

I know the word has a negative connotation, but pre-judgment is wrong, only if it's your only judgement.

You see a sitatuation or person, and your brain makes connections to pasts experiences and situations, then you make an effort to know what the person is about.

I say, you could've put more emphasis on that issue, but then maybe the piece would've lacked the unashamed cynicism that makes me like this site.

Posted by JCEFalconi Author Profile Page at June 8, 2009 8:00 AM

comment #55

free games Author Profile Page says ...

Great stuff Jeff!

Posted by free games Author Profile Page at November 3, 2009 2:58 AM

comment #56

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comment #58

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