Damn Dogs
In a review posted sometime earlier today called "Is It Possible To Hate A Film More Than Old Dogs?," HitFix's Drew McWeeny begins by saying "if Old Dogs were a person, I would stab it in the face." That's pretty good but it would have been better if he'd mentioned the weapon. As in "stab it in the face with a sharp No. 2 pencil" or "stab it in the face with an Exacto knife."
The worst comedies, I can tell you, always resort to fear-of-nature gags. Movies that cater to or fan this mindset, like the above Old Dogs trailer clearly does, are beyond deplorable.
The idea is that nature will prey on you, kill you, peck you, drown you, piss on you, beat you to death, etc. This, I suspect, is what the average Eloi or middle-aged mall dweller is afraid of, and why a lot of them think global warming isn't such a bad thing (or at least isn't something to get too upset over) because who cares if those scary-ass predators have it tough out in the wild? Fuck 'em. We're doin' just fine in our sanitized, air-conditioned comfort zone, where nature can't touch us.
"Millions of years from now,." McWeeny begins, "after Western Civilization has fallen and the Earth has ruptured and cooled and been reborn and a new life form has taken over the planet, if any of them happen to stumble upon a working DVD player and a copy of Old Dogs,, they will sum up the passing of our culture with two simple words: 'Good riddance.'
"It is rare that I hate a film with the feverish intensity that I feel towards this one, but it hit pretty much every single button for me, and by halfway through, I felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin.
"What I thought was going to be a mediocre family-themed comedy instead struck me as one of the most singularly vile experiences I've had in a theater all year.
"To give you an idea how wretched the film is, if you take the worst Robin Williams film, multiply it by the worst John Travolta film, and then multiply that by Wild Hogs, the last film from director Walt Becker, you would still end up with something better than this.
"Old Dogs is the story of two ostensible adult human beings who, confronted with spending 14 days in the presence of twin seven-year-olds, promptly go insane and begin acting in a manner which would land any person in the real world in jail or the morgue. Deservedly. Nothing in this film resembles any recognizable behavior of any actual person ever.
"At one point, Bernie Mac shows up as a puppeteer who literally wires Robin Williams up with a magical bio-rig that transforms him into...and I quote...a 'human puppet' who is controlled via remote by John Travolta so that Williams can have a tea party with his daughter. And although I was sliding in and out of consciousness by this point, numb from the horror, I'm almost positive a Motown song plays over the resulting montage.
"And that is not the worst scene in the film."
Posted by Jeffrey Wells on November 24, 2009 at 7:44 AM
comment #1
nbxzero
says ...
Disney showed an approximately ten minute segment of the film at D23 and it was the worst movie clip I'd ever seen. Stupid, boring, not the least bit funny, and what I thought at the time would be a box office disaster.
Posted by nbxzero
at November 24, 2009 8:33 AM
comment #2
Nick X
says ...
If Werner Herzog directed it, I'd go see. In fact, if Werner Herzog directed it, I'm pretty sure it would be awesome--even if it were the exact same movie.
Posted by Nick X
at November 24, 2009 8:44 AM
comment #3
dangovich
says ...
I saw the commercial and they were actually touting the fact that it's from the director of Wild Hogs.
Posted by dangovich
at November 24, 2009 8:52 AM
comment #4
COCO
says ...
This looks like cat puke...even Eloi have to draw the line sometime......Happy Thanksgiving.
Posted by COCO
at November 24, 2009 8:55 AM
comment #5
George Prager
says ...
Can I do this to OLD DOGS?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1skaCKoWJA
Posted by George Prager
at November 24, 2009 8:57 AM
comment #6
gradystiles
says ...
dangovich, Wild Hogs made almost $170 million domestically. Whatever you might personally think of the movie, clearly a lot of people wanted to see it--and presumably enjoyed it. Makes perfect sense that they'd link Old Dogs to it.
Posted by gradystiles
at November 24, 2009 9:00 AM
comment #7
Mgmax, le Corbeau
says ...
Actually, I'd bet the Eloi see a lot more of the outdoors than your average movie intellectual. Unless they're building those giant Cabela's and Bass Pro Shops for their own amusement.
Oh, and after this weekend, what they think about global warming is "I always knew that was horseshit cooked up by scientists on the take, and now it's been proven in their own words."
Posted by Mgmax, le Corbeau
at November 24, 2009 9:13 AM
comment #8
jmevans
says ...
I caught 5 minutes of "Wild Hogs" on FX. The scene with Ray Liotta and Peter Fonda. You know, at some point, I guess most successful actors decide "fuck it, it pays well". To watch Ray Liotta as this "bad ass biker" with fake tats everywhere was just horrifying.
These mindless films are made for families and people who are easy to entertain, most likely not the average HE reader. Having said that, I find it very hard to respect actors like Travolta and Williams who possess the talent and have done great things on film in the past, but essentially concede their careers at times to make shit like this (that they know will do well at the box office and pay them handsomely).
Last note, I lose all respect for Seth Green. What a douche for signing on to this.
Posted by jmevans
at November 24, 2009 9:24 AM
comment #9
Wrecktem
says ...
"Disney showed an approximately ten minute segment of the film at D23 and it was the worst movie clip I'd ever seen. Stupid, boring, not the least bit funny, and what I thought at the time would be a box office disaster."
The part you didn't mention was that the audience ROARED with laughter during that clip.
Posted by Wrecktem
at November 24, 2009 9:42 AM
comment #10
Pynchon8
says ...
No come on, it has some dumb parts sure, but it'll be a good time at the movies. Chill out, Wells, you're going to pop.
Posted by Pynchon8
at November 24, 2009 9:47 AM
comment #11
Noah Cross
says ...
This does look like a very painful film, but your comment on bad comedies focusing on Man Vs. Nature made me wonder about good comedies that use the theme. "Gold Rush" came to mind first of all. Can people think of others?
Posted by Noah Cross
at November 24, 2009 9:48 AM
comment #12
Stringer Bell
says ...
jmevans: You mean the Seth Green who did the vile 'Without a Paddle'?
When was the last time Seth Green not do a movie for the payday?
Posted by Stringer Bell
at November 24, 2009 9:58 AM
comment #13
Mr. F.
says ...
So wait a sec -- did he or didn't he like the movie? (Just you wait: now that these kinds of reviews are coming in, I smell a $60-70 million dollar opening.)
I kind of want to see it now, just to see what the hell happens in the "Bernie Mac wires Robin Williams into a bio-suit and controls him like a puppet" scene. I can't even begin to imagine what that's about. Bizarre.
Posted by Mr. F.
at November 24, 2009 10:03 AM
comment #14
Deathtongue_Groupie
says ...
Stringer - hey, someone has to pay for all those "Robot Chicken" sets.
But, c'mon Jeff, the fucking trailer ends with Green sitting in the arms of a low-rent gorilla suit (guess no money for Rick Baker), singing to avoid dismemberment. If that doesn't tell you this is a film to avoid at all costs, nothing will.
Posted by Deathtongue_Groupie
at November 24, 2009 10:08 AM
comment #15
Alvy Singer
says ...
It'll do well. I agree, it looks like something that I'd click past on cable, but it hits the same inexplicable demographic that liked Wild Hogs.
Posted by Alvy Singer
at November 24, 2009 10:11 AM
comment #16
fattyhadaparty
says ...
Most of the "comic tension" in WILD HOGS was derived from whether or not John C. McGinley's predatory gay highway patrolman or Kevin Durand's sexually confused biker would get to bang one of the leads.
Thankfully director Walt Becker seems to have learned his lesson with OLD DOGS. This time the main characters only have to worry about getting fucked by a gorilla. Comedy! Bring the kids!!
Posted by fattyhadaparty
at November 24, 2009 10:35 AM
comment #17
Eloi Manning
says ...
I thought this was a direct sequel to Wild Hogs. Similar sounding names and they even used the exact same typeface on the commercials/posters.
Apparently not.
Feels like a throwback to the 1990s family comedies that seemed to open every week.
Posted by Eloi Manning
at November 24, 2009 10:49 AM
comment #18
Rich S.
says ...
Robin Williams, John Travolta and Seth Green (as well as 99.5% of the rest of Hollywood) do not want your respect. They want your money. Never forget that.
Posted by Rich S.
at November 24, 2009 10:56 AM
comment #19
Edward
says ...
I'm assuming someone thinks it is funny having Seth Green sitting on the lap of a fake gorilla.
Posted by Edward
at November 24, 2009 11:03 AM
comment #20
DeeZee
says ...
Ronald: "Oh, and after this weekend, what they think about global warming is "I always knew that was horseshit cooked up by scientists on the take, and now it's been proven in their own words.""
I guess they didn't pay attention to the hundred icebergs floating down to New Zealand...
Posted by DeeZee
at November 24, 2009 11:05 AM
comment #21
Renfield
says ...
"if Old Dogs were a person, I would stab it in the face."
I see Drew's got those anger issues under control....
Yeesh.
Posted by Renfield
at November 24, 2009 12:01 PM
comment #22
Gabe@ThePlaylist
says ...
No nuclear apocalypse will make me retreat to the possible safety of a theater showing this movie.
Posted by Gabe@ThePlaylist
at November 24, 2009 12:15 PM
comment #23
Terry McCarty
says ...
In the recent breathless LOS ANGELES TIMES puffery about Rich Ross taking over for Dick Cook at Disney, I remember reading that Ross (I assume he was giving Cook another groin-kick) was critical of OLD DOGS--because it lacked strong female characters.
Posted by Terry McCarty
at November 24, 2009 12:19 PM
comment #24
Terry McCarty
says ...
Dennis Harvey's faint-praise VARIETY review:
http://www.variety.com/review/VE1117941669&ref=ssp
Posted by Terry McCarty
at November 24, 2009 12:35 PM
comment #25
berg
says ...
Christopher Walken says "I'll stab you in the face ... with a soldering iron." in Joe Dirt
Posted by berg
at November 24, 2009 1:09 PM
comment #26
chasieb
says ...
RV+Death To Smoochy x Battlefield Earth= Old Dogs
Posted by chasieb
at November 24, 2009 1:17 PM
comment #27
The Winchester
says ...
Berg, that line always makes me smile. I use it quite often in my daily life, which is probably pretty disturbing.
Posted by The Winchester
at November 24, 2009 2:24 PM
comment #28
dangovich
says ...
dangovich, Wild Hogs made almost $170 million domestically. Whatever you might personally think of the movie, clearly a lot of people wanted to see it--and presumably enjoyed it.
Yep, probably the same people you see at a Sarah Palin book signing.
Posted by dangovich
at November 24, 2009 2:31 PM
comment #29
Renfield
says ...
Speaking of Sarah Palin fans, this is one of the funniest yet horrific things I've seen in some time... The guy who went out to do these interviews (and somehow managed to not smile, laugh or become violently angry) should have a parade held in his honor.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27QTX46XNLM
Posted by Renfield
at November 24, 2009 2:46 PM