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The Girl on the Train
It's Baaad
In terms of using the right kind of connective tissue that works for the story and for the audience simultaneously, New Moon (Summit, 11.20) isn't half the film that Twilight was. It's slow and infected with the sequel virus. It's gaseous and flatulent and meandering. This won't matter box-office wise, but it pretty much sucks. That swoony romantic current that Twilight had has taken a powder this time out.
Firing Twilight director Catherine Hardwicke was a lousy idea, and so was getting Chris Weitz to take her place. I don't know what tricks Hardwicke used to make Twilight play as well as it did, but I do know that Weitz isn't nearly as good with this kind of material as she was. Twilight is to New Moon as Star Wars is to Return of the Jedi, or even The Phantom Menace. I mean, it really blows.
Where Twilight felt curiously absorbing and true and plugged into something relatively fresh and exciting (for me anyway), New Moon is slow and draggy and ponderous with dialogue that occasionally smells to high heaven, and laden with seriously crappy (i.e., "pony") CGI and a running time -- 130 minutes -- that is way, way too long.
The acting is fine, or at least not too distracting. Hard-wired Kristen Stewart pretty much carries it; hunky Taylor Lautner, surprisingly, delivers a taut muscular vibe and isn't half bad for a young stud-muffin type; and Robert Pattinson seems to be acutely disinterested and sleepwalking, even, when he's on-screen (which isn't often) and is otherwise missing for most of the film.
The main problem is that Melissa Rosenberg's sceenplay, based on Stephenie Meyer's book, has a draggy, yeah-yeah, so-whatty tale to tell, and the pacing is slack and the story tension is nil. I began to feel bored less than 15 minutes in.
I sat up, slouched down, put my hand over my face, went to the bathroom, cleared my throat, groaned, tapped my feet. The girl sitting next to me sat like a bag of coffee beans off the boat from Columbia during the whole film. "Does she have a pulse?" I wondered to myself. I couldn't stop shifting around. I actually began to feel a little bit sickly after an hour or so.
Stewart -- my favorite younger actress these days -- is sufficiently focused and fiercely talented enough to make more than a few of the scenes work, but I mainly felt sorry for her. "She's stuck in a sequel and doing the best she can under the circumstances," I told myself.
The thing that defines the badness of New Moon is an extended circular tracking (or Steadicam) sequence that Weitz shot of Stewart (i.e., Bella Swan) sitting in her room, immobile and depressed after her vampire lover Edward Cullen (Pattinson) has broken things off and moved away. Weitz moves the camera around her three times, which gives the audience three views of her front lawn as it changes with the seasons -- greenish brown during October, totally brown with leaves being raked in November, and finally snow-covered in December.
Except someone in the Summit high command decided that this visual information wasn't explicit enough for some in the audience, and so little white titles have been inserted, appearing each time the camera moves around and behind Bella's back, that say "October," "November and "December." Just stunning. Unbelievable! Truly one of the most embarassing passage-of-time sequences ever included in a major motion picture.
Posted by Jeffrey Wells on November 18, 2009 at 7:33 PM
comment #1
Skullebrity
says ...
Taylor Lautner's "muscular" performance might be due to the 30 pounds of muscle he added to his body for this film. Did you hear about that at all???
http://www.celebrityfreakshow.com/taylor-lautners-30-pounds-of-muscle-to-get-spinoff-series/
Yay!
Posted by Skullebrity
at November 18, 2009 8:50 PM
comment #2
DeeZee
says ...
Ebert gave it one star, and IMDB rated it at 4.3.
Posted by DeeZee
at November 18, 2009 9:23 PM
comment #3
DeeZee
says ...
He gave Bad Lieutenant four stars, though.
Posted by DeeZee
at November 18, 2009 9:24 PM
comment #4
Terry McCarty
says ...
Presuming there will be some A-list critics who'll give it a big pass so as not to appear out of it.
Posted by Terry McCarty
at November 18, 2009 9:55 PM
comment #5
THE MovieBob
says ...
Lautner has the chops to have a solid career as a B-action star if he survives this series. Sadly, Stewart is probably going to have this crap hanging around her neck for a decade or more. Pattinson no one will hear from again when this is over.
Posted by THE MovieBob
at November 18, 2009 10:02 PM
comment #6
Gabe@ThePlaylist
says ...
Surprise face.
Posted by Gabe@ThePlaylist
at November 18, 2009 10:03 PM
comment #7
Deathtongue_Groupie
says ...
I'd wager a month's wages that it was someone high up at Summit who decided that "stupid teenage girls" would be too brain dead to follow the visual clues.
That said, I'll stay away from this one as I did the last and let the wife & girls enjoy their popcorn flick as they indulge my Harryhausen and STAR WARS marathons.
Posted by Deathtongue_Groupie
at November 18, 2009 10:05 PM
comment #8
Matthew Starr
says ...
Woah what's wrong with Return of the Jedi?
Posted by Matthew Starr
at November 18, 2009 10:06 PM
comment #9
Noah Cross
says ...
Ewoks, Matthew, Ewoks.
Posted by Noah Cross
at November 18, 2009 10:12 PM
comment #10
pamg
says ...
>
Umm, Jeff - that's taken right from the book.
Posted by pamg
at November 18, 2009 10:14 PM
comment #11
pamg
says ...
>
Meant to say - that's sequence came straight from the book, and I've seen an online interview with Melissa Rosenberg that explained why she left it in. Sorry, couldn't delete the previous post.
Haven't seen the movie yet, but you find so many movies annoying, I'm hoping it isn't as bad as you make it out.
Posted by pamg
at November 18, 2009 10:29 PM
comment #12
DeeZee
says ...
I thought what sucks about Jedi is the lack of a real showdown at the end. But it's still better than most of George's output thereafter. [Willow didn't age well, but it was fun when it first hit theaters.]
Posted by DeeZee
at November 18, 2009 10:31 PM
comment #13
erniesouchak
says ...
That's interesting, because Meyer's handling of that passage of time was probably the single most creative thing in the novel. I actually thought Hardwicke did a lousy job with "Twilight," so if this one is worse, forget it.
Posted by erniesouchak
at November 18, 2009 10:45 PM
comment #14
DarthCorleone
says ...
pamg >> What do you mean the sequence was in the book? The visual representation of seasons changing with the months explicitly written beneath each description of Bella sitting in her room in case the reader doesn't understand what it means when trees change in appearance is from the book? If that's what you mean, that must be some book.
Ewoks rule. And no showdown?
Posted by DarthCorleone
at November 18, 2009 10:46 PM
comment #15
Anthony Thorne
says ...
Fuck, this sounds dire. Of course my girlfriend and her posse are seeing it this weekend. Hopefully all this TWILIGHT schlock will leave screens in a few weeks for Cameron to have free reign.
Posted by Anthony Thorne
at November 18, 2009 11:17 PM
comment #16
Movie fan09
says ...
Firing Twilight director Catherine Hardwicke was a lousy idea, and so was getting Chris Weitz to take her place. I don't know what Hardwicke did to make Twilight play as well as it did, but I do know that Weitz isn't nearly as good with this kind of material as she was.
She's a woman,Jeff.
She remembers how it felt to be a teenage girl.
Posted by Movie fan09
at November 18, 2009 11:38 PM
comment #17
markj
says ...
DeeZee: The lack of a real showdown? Are you taking the piss? The confrontation between Luke, Vader and The Emperor is brilliant, especially the choral passage of music as Luke gives in to the dark side and attacks Vader furiously.
What's it like going through life having no taste?
Posted by markj
at November 19, 2009 12:45 AM
comment #18
Uncle Milty
says ...
"She's a woman,Jeff.
She remembers how it felt to be a teenage girl."
Well, Twilight was easily one of the worst movies of last year, so I'm not sure this helped her.
DZ doesn't really mean anything he says. He's still trying to convince us that Jerry Maguire is a more influential film than Pulp Fiction. He could argue it's a better film, although most would disagree. But more influential? Not even close.
Return of the Jedi was a flawed film, but the final showdown was terrific.
Posted by Uncle Milty
at November 19, 2009 12:49 AM
comment #19
fitz-hume
says ...
Ewoks rule!
Posted by fitz-hume
at November 19, 2009 1:10 AM
comment #20
LexG
says ...
K-STEW POWER. KUDOS to Jeff to acknowledging THE TRUTH: She is BRANDO or DEAN or McQueen in a GODDESS-like female form: Pure enchantment and the most intuitive performer of any stripe in American (or any) film these days.
Did anyone see GOD on FALLON tonight? SO charming, enticing, smart, clever, cool, and awesome. I love Kristen Stewart. LOVE HER.
K-STEW 4 EVA.
Posted by LexG
at November 19, 2009 1:59 AM
comment #21
TheGK
says ...
'Twilight is to New Moon as Star Wars is to Return of the Jedi, or even The Phantom Menace. I mean, it really blows.'
The implication from this is that Return of the Jedi blows, which it certainly does not.
I'll happily take a race of teddy bears with unstoppable tree trunk technology over the first Twilight film any day of the week.
Plus, Return of the Jedi was a bit like a Roland Emmerich film. Yes, there were many shortcomings in acting, plot, dialogue, etc (although they weren't as glaring as, say, 2012). But with X-wings and TIE fighters going at it, Super Star Destroyers getting toastified and a pretty sweet showdown at the end, the spectacle was just too grand for me to give a crap.
Posted by TheGK
at November 19, 2009 2:26 AM
comment #22
LexG
says ...
KRISTEN STEWART 4 EVER. 4 EVER.
SO beautiful, charming, awesome, enticing, smart, pliant, sympathetic, enchanting, awesome, lovely, cool, badass, edgy, smart, brilliant, stunning, amazing, AWWWWWWWESOME.
K-STEW 4 EVA.
Posted by LexG
at November 19, 2009 2:31 AM
comment #23
Jonathan Spuij
says ...
No Star Wars film can be as boring as any Twilight film. I mean c'mon the visual eye candy (SFX, Fisher, Portman) alone are enough to elevate them.
Posted by Jonathan Spuij
at November 19, 2009 2:43 AM
comment #24
LexG
says ...
STEWART POWER.
Most beautiful woman alive. Her appearance on Fallon tonight was THE GREATEST THING EVER.
Posted by LexG
at November 19, 2009 3:47 AM
comment #25
Josh Massey
says ...
Jedi is better than Star Wars. There. I said it. I just never had a problem with the Ewoks, considering I first saw them when I was seven. And the rest of the film is full of amazing scenes - I think most have forgotten how impressive they originally were. Jabba's palace, Sarlacc pit, the final Millennium Falcon battle, the Skywalker/Vadar fight, etc. And Hamill isn't nearly as whiny.
Sorry, that's all I can contribute to a Twilight discussion.
Posted by Josh Massey
at November 19, 2009 4:06 AM
comment #26
Rich S.
says ...
Return of the Jedi is a mess. It's all over the map because Lucas threw too many balls in the air at the end of Empire to successfully juggle them in the last film, especially since he was hell-bent on selling plush toys to pre-teens. Plus, even after 26 years, I'm still pissed I didn't get to see Luke complete his journey by kicking the Emperor's ass.
That said, it is a very entertaining mess. The Luke/Vader lightsaber duel is probably the best of any of the films. The scenes on Tatooine are a lot of fun, and the hoverbike chase is aces.
Perhaps most amazing of all, in light of the current climate of epic and/or sequel bloat, they wrapped the whole thing up in under 2 hours and 15 minutes. Revenge of the Fallen, eat your heart out.
Oh, and I'm glad to hear that New Moon sucked.
Posted by Rich S.
at November 19, 2009 4:41 AM
comment #27
Eloi Manning
says ...
Return of the Jedi is fucking ace. Ewoks are fine - it's kind of nice that they showed that even the little shittiest of intergalactic races had a hand in taking down the Empire. And the special edition ending with that excellent new (well, new in 1997) John Williams celebration track is sweet as fuck. From Luke burning the body of Darth Vader to the scenes across the galaxy of jubilation, it's the tits.
New Moon looks entertaining. I don't know why people think a woman was needed to direct it, because it's about a girl. Kristen Stewart is a good enough actress that she doesn't need to be told how to look like she's lusting after Pattz by a woman. Look at Into the Wild - there was a great scene where she was practically gagging for a fuck with Emile Hirsch that was much more intense than anything from Twilight. And that was directed by that morose motherfucker Sean Penn. So I don't buy the idea that a woman is the only director that can really convey the depth of these trash novels on screen.
Posted by Eloi Manning
at November 19, 2009 4:54 AM
comment #28
Chase Kahn
says ...
I have to come to the defense of "Return of the Jedi", as well -- sure, it's the third best of parts IV-VI, but come on!
The whole Han Solo rescue scene in Jabba's Palace over the first 40 minutes is brilliant -- you have slave metal-bikini Leia, The Rancor, the Sarlac Pit, Boba Fett bites it, Jabba's death by choking, etc.
And then the speeder bike chase scene is one of my favorite action scenes of all-time, seriously, I get goosbumps when I hear that whooshing sound.
Posted by Chase Kahn
at November 19, 2009 6:16 AM
comment #29
DeafBrownTrashPunk
says ...
Those fucking Ewoks ruined RETURN OF THE JEDI for me, but the movie is still a fine story.
Anyfuck, I must admit I'm still *shocked* from last year when you declared TWILIGHT wasn't such a bad film. So this year, I'm not surprised that you think NEW MOON is crap.
Good. All is well with the universe again.
Posted by DeafBrownTrashPunk
at November 19, 2009 7:22 AM
comment #30
DeafBrownTrashPunk
says ...
I'm starting to feel worried for K-Stew's safety. It looks like LexG will start stalking her soon.
Posted by DeafBrownTrashPunk
at November 19, 2009 7:24 AM
comment #31
Eloi Manning
says ...
When I was a kid I thought the Ewoks were related to the Jawas. They were like their forest-based brothers or something.
Posted by Eloi Manning
at November 19, 2009 7:26 AM
comment #32
creepingmalaise
says ...
Is anyone else curious in hearing what that "bag of coffee beans" next to Jeff told her friends after the screening about the guy with Tourette's she sat next to?
Posted by creepingmalaise
at November 19, 2009 7:33 AM
comment #33
LexG
says ...
DeafBrown, let's hang out sometime.
Good idea.
Posted by LexG
at November 19, 2009 7:33 AM
comment #34
Eloi Manning
says ...
"Is anyone else curious in hearing what that "bag of coffee beans" next to Jeff told her friends after the screening about the guy with Tourette's she sat next to?"
Yeah, I thought that was pretty funny too. I'm fairly certain that if a guy sat next to Wells audibly groaning and tapping his feet throughout a screening, we'd be seeing his photo on the main page of HE.
Posted by Eloi Manning
at November 19, 2009 8:01 AM
comment #35
Ryansi51
says ...
"The girl sitting next to me sat like a bag of coffee beans off the boat from Columbia during the whole film. "Does she have a pulse?"
thanks for the laugh out loud, Wells
Posted by Ryansi51
at November 19, 2009 8:53 AM
comment #36
taikwan
says ...
Ewoks are lame. I actually prefer Jar Jar. Worst acting by both Carrie and Harrison who wanted Han to die and took his revenge by sleepwalking through the film. Ironically this was Mark's best performance.
Teenaged girls did not receiving the memo about anything Twilight/Bella/Edward. Still swarming.
Posted by taikwan
at November 19, 2009 9:05 AM
comment #37
dkaye
says ...
Return of the Jedi is a mixed bag. The opening Tatooine sequence and final battles are great, with the showdown in the Emperor's throne room pretty goddamn epic. I like Hamill's performance and his arc is well-played. I even buy Vader's gradual swing back to the light side of the Force.
But the brother/sister subplot is just plain creepy and pointless, and Han Solo could have been much better utilized. The middle section drags a bit and while I like the idea of the Ewoks (a non-technological race beating the big bad guys), they were simply too cute.
But overall, Return is tied for me with Revenge for third best of the series.
Posted by dkaye
at November 19, 2009 11:57 AM
comment #38
DeeZee
says ...
mark: "The confrontation between Luke, Vader and The Emperor is brilliant, especially the choral passage of music as Luke gives in to the dark side and attacks Vader furiously. "
Luke's attacks suck, because his dad can kick his ass with an artificial lung and still save the universe in his place. Total cop-out climax.
"He could argue it's a better film, although most would disagree. But more influential? Not even close."
Films like Office Space, As Good as It Gets, and Any Given Sunday say otherwise.
Jonathan: "No Star Wars film can be as boring as any Twilight film."
Someone hasn't seen TPM.
Josh: Indiana Jones is better than Star Wars. But that's cus the lead character actually does shit in that one, and it's believable. Boba Fett gets killed way too easily in Jedi.
Posted by DeeZee
at November 19, 2009 2:40 PM
comment #39
Terry McCarty
says ...
Still wondering why Lucas hasn't spun off Darth Maul as a franchise character for books, etc. like Boba Fett.
Posted by Terry McCarty
at November 19, 2009 10:48 PM
comment #40
Gordon27
says ...
"Films like Office Space, As Good as It Gets, and Any Given Sunday say otherwise. "
I'm not even going to bother to point out the obvious fact that 'Jerry Maguire' had no influence over those three films. Instead, I'm going to use your own backwards logic and point out that all of those people were already doing things before 'Jerry Maguire' ever came out, and therefore Mike Judge, James Brooks, and Oliver Stone could not have been influenced by it. So there.
Posted by Gordon27
at November 27, 2009 6:58 PM
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