Beyond The Plugs

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I was nodding at Bilge Ebiri's 9.2 "Vulture" piece about Steven Seagal's bad guy performance in Machete, which inspired thoughts of a comeback and "hey, he almost seems cool again." I was thinking the same thing too, except I got hung up on Seagal's hair. The guy's 58 years oid and he's dying it inky black, and he seems to have at least 50% more hair today than he did in the late '80s.

I'm not saying Segal has to pull the hair plugs out, but if you don't let a little bit of your age in when you get older you look like a putz. Smart guys tell their hairdressers to let the natural gray grow in around the temples and sideburns. And they don't color their hair the same shade of black that Elvis Presley started going for in 1957. They let it get a little bit lighter. The basic idea is not to look like you're dying your hair, or that you've got plugs that are denser than a piece of rubber off a Michelin steel-belted radial. And why do older guys' fake hairlines get lower as they get older? They should recede a bit, no? For realism's sake, I mean.

Set stills are one thing, but Seagal's hair looks like a solid helmet in the film, all colored and gunked down with hairspray.

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Posted by Jeffrey Wells on September 2, 2010 at 4:50 PM

comment #1

MilkMan says ...

I think Seagal got that surgery where they take skin from your ass and then staple it to your forehead and pull it back over your head and down to the nape of your neck and then staple it to one of your upper lumbars. It's a very simple procedure.

Posted by MilkMan at September 2, 2010 5:00 PM

comment #2

crazynine says ...

Steven Seagal IS the Cockpuncher!

Posted by crazynine at September 2, 2010 5:17 PM

comment #3

Chicago48 says ...

How is he still getting movie work?????

Posted by Chicago48 at September 2, 2010 5:17 PM

comment #4

Kakihara says ...

Lex should feel better about his own problem now.

Posted by Kakihara at September 2, 2010 5:17 PM

comment #5

Kakihara says ...

Chicago: http://www.trutv.com/library/crime/criminal_mind/scams/steven_seagal/index.html

Posted by Kakihara at September 2, 2010 5:20 PM

comment #6

Kakihara says ...

This reminded me of an older story.

Posted by Kakihara at September 2, 2010 5:31 PM

comment #7

LexG says ...

And yet it still looks better with the piece.

Much as we love to make fun of bad toupees, absolutely NOBODY looks good bald. Nobody.

Posted by LexG at September 2, 2010 5:34 PM

comment #8

matt cousens says ...

I think Jason Statham would look bizarre with a rug.

Posted by matt cousens at September 2, 2010 5:40 PM

comment #9

phantasmata says ...

" . . . absolutely NOBODY looks good bald. Nobody."

vic fucking mackey begs to differ.

actually, no, he doesn't. he begs nothing of no one. he will smite your ass with the butt of his desert eagle and use your blood to polish his glorious pate.

Posted by phantasmata at September 2, 2010 5:46 PM

comment #10

hiviper says ...

yes, I've seen the ass-lumbar procedure demonstrated on Travolta as well

Posted by hiviper at September 2, 2010 5:53 PM

comment #11

LexG says ...

Statham's rug in LONDON looked ridiculous, but he looked kind of awesome with the stringy piece he wore in REVOLVER.

And yeah, Vic Mackey is god, but pretty fucking sure if you asked Michael Chiklis, or Willis, or Statham, if all things being equal they'd rather have their back to how it was at age 22, they sure as shit wouldn't choose the "bad-ass" Mr. Clean look.

Going bald is like watching yourself lose a limb. It is beyond depressing, and occupies my thoughts AT LEAST 40% of the time.

Posted by LexG at September 2, 2010 5:56 PM

comment #12

Kakihara says ...

Michael Clarke Duncan looks pretty ok with the Mr. Clean look.

Posted by Kakihara at September 2, 2010 5:59 PM

comment #13

Glenn Kenny says ...

Jeez, Lex, way to back-pedal. First "nobody looks good bald," then, "okay,THOSE guys are badasses, but I bet they'd prefer to have hair."

Well, yeah, of course they'd prefer to have hair. As would I (back in the day I had a white Afro that made Rob Tyner look weak). But they can rock what they ain't got. Which is the smart way to go. Because toups and hair plugs and everything else look like complete ass.

Going bald happens. It helps to have great cranial integrity, like Willis does. It also helps to slim down. Believe me, that perfectly round cueball head I've got in "Girlfriend" makes me wince now (it made me wince then, too, but, you know). With a lean and hungry look and a little color, bald can work.

Posted by Glenn Kenny at September 2, 2010 6:42 PM

comment #14

poseidon72 says ...

Beside his hair being shoe polish black he has to much weight on his once lean frame. Hasnt aged great!

Posted by poseidon72 at September 2, 2010 6:43 PM

comment #15

poseidon72 says ...

Yul Brenner did bald pretty good!

Posted by poseidon72 at September 2, 2010 6:44 PM

comment #16

JackBurton2 says ...

So, a couple of my completely inoffensive posts here have been taken down. What's the deal?

Posted by JackBurton2 at September 2, 2010 7:09 PM

comment #17

Jeffrey Wells says ...

Accident. Cleaning out spam.

Posted by Jeffrey Wells at September 2, 2010 7:37 PM

comment #18

JackBurton2 says ...

Thanks, boss. Thought I was getting the DZ treatment.

Posted by JackBurton2 at September 2, 2010 7:38 PM

comment #19

LauraReeling says ...

Yes, but would Torrez the Mexican drug lord do his hair this way? Methinks quite possibly....

Posted by LauraReeling at September 2, 2010 7:43 PM

comment #20

nbxzero says ...

",,, absolutely NOBODY looks good bald. Nobody."

What about Patrick Stewart? I've seen him with hair and he looks much better bald.

Posted by nbxzero at September 2, 2010 7:45 PM

comment #21

bondjamesbond says ...

Hell yes, nbxzero, I was just about to say Jean Luc Picard. Awesome.

And Michael Jordan . . . hair is scared of him.

Posted by bondjamesbond at September 2, 2010 7:59 PM

comment #22

scooterzz says ...

"Smart guys tell their hairdressers to let the natural gray grow in around the temples and sideburns."

smart guys actually stopped going to 'hairdressers' back in the 90's....smart guys go to barbers.... jus' sayin'.....

Posted by scooterzz at September 2, 2010 8:06 PM

comment #23

Mr Hooper says ...

If you're losing your hair, thinning like Seagal is in the above right photo, the best option, indeed the only option, is to cut it short (an inch or two at most) or shave it completely. Anything else looks utterly ridiculous at worst and pathetic at best. Doesn't matter what size or shape your noggin is, just cut it short, short short. Own it. That includes whatever half-dead dandelion you're cultivating, LexG.

Posted by Mr Hooper at September 2, 2010 8:15 PM

comment #24

bluefugue says ...

>Much as we love to make fun of bad toupees, absolutely NOBODY looks good bald. Nobody.

Patrick Stewart. He looks absurd with a full head of hair.

Lex, I'm going bald too and it sucks, but you just cut your hair real short or shave your head and you man up and you take it. Bald men make money, bald men get laid, bald men live full lives. Would it be better to have hair? Hell yeah. But you can deal.

Posted by bluefugue at September 2, 2010 8:28 PM

comment #25

LexG says ...

See, I think the tide has swung too far with this whole AS SOON AS YOU START TO LOSE IT, SHAVE IT! bullshit.

Time was, a MAN would just rock some thinning hair... Robert Loggia had a fine career rocking that bacon-strip scalp. Plenty of cool and bad-ass character actors rocked compromised heads of hair ranging from Robert Duvall to James Caan to Robert Forster to Vic Morrow to William Hurt to Peter Boyle to Bill Murray. NOW you're telling me every one of those AWESOME motherfuckers should have broken out the Wahl Number One or No Guard Cut and done every single movie and role with some Chris Daughtry clean pate, and they would've been SO much more awesome?

Fuck it, maybe I don't want to spend the next thirty years as some BALD MOTHERFUCKER maintaining that by shaving it morning, noon and night, going through life like Mr. Clean. PLENTY of celebrities and even regular folk have either a dignified bald spot, thin spot, or they rock a solid piece or transplant. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, but don't just AUTOMATICALLY shave it. Someone like Joey Lawrence looks like a fucking idiot with that cue ball head.

Posted by LexG at September 2, 2010 8:43 PM

comment #26

scooterzz says ...

in the case of lex, it's not called 'bald'...it's called 'karma'.....

Posted by scooterzz at September 2, 2010 8:58 PM

comment #27

Ponderer says ...

"Much as we love to make fun of bad toupees, absolutely NOBODY looks good bald. Nobody."

Sorry. Seen Patrick Stewart with hair. He's a fucking lion without it. Can't even remember what he looks like with it.

Let's face it...men look infinitely cooler the closer they look like the Silver Surfer.

Posted by Ponderer at September 2, 2010 9:07 PM

comment #28

hiviper says ...

Lex, I'm warming up to you - anybody who references my hero Bob Loggia, well..

Posted by hiviper at September 2, 2010 9:19 PM

comment #29

DiscoNap says ...

There was something appealing about Above the Law/Out for Justice era Seagal's hairline. It might also have to do with how skinny he was back then, but it added something to the strangeness of him being such an ass-kicker. Now with his perfectly triangular hairline and the 100 extra pounds he just looks like a bison.

That being said, I'm kind of with Lex. Statham/Willis/Chiklis, I agree they look fine (Chiklis has turned his whole look around) but part of saying they'd look worse with hair is just how used to them being bald we are.

Also as someone going bald, I must say with conviction I wouldn't mind being bald. I'd probably rock it like Tom Hagen after I hit my mid 40s. But what I can't stand is balding. Not even being 25 and already looking like Phil Collins behind a set at Live Aid. It sucks.

If I rant any more about this I'm officially Leary to Lex's Hicks.

Posted by DiscoNap at September 2, 2010 10:18 PM

comment #30

lawnorder says ...

There are a lots of celebs who have had very good hair transplants and you'd never know it. Not all of them are sporting the Nic Cage botched plugs.

Lex you may also want to try using some hair concealer. You just apply it to the back (or front) of your head, wait a few minutes, then brush it in. It blends with the hair you have left and within minutes, you'd never know you were even balding. I'm not talking about spray on hair shit. Very popular amongst movie stars with thinning scalps. You can swim with it and it won't come out until you shampoo. Looks good with some product over it as well.
http://www.dermmatch.com/

Posted by lawnorder at September 2, 2010 10:48 PM

comment #31

Absinth Quell Pro says ...

Why do hair plugs when there's Morrie's Wigs?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7FnAV1XbfKE

Posted by Absinth Quell Pro at September 2, 2010 11:12 PM

comment #32

The InSneider says ...

Jeffrey Wells, posts like this one are why I keep you in my life. You're not afraid to say anything. If you ever wanna start a podcast or TV show called The Two Jeffreys (think the so-called "Eloi" comedy Get Him to the Greek"), I'd be totally down. I'll even let you be the good looking Jeff, especially if it's just a podcast. Don't you need a Breznican to counter DP? Looking forward to the heart of awards season, when you'll really let loose. Signed, A True Fan.

And for God's sake, SOMEONE has to plug Vern's Seagalogy book!

"Hairplugs! Hairplugs!" Virtual high five to the first person to name the movie that's from.

Posted by The InSneider at September 2, 2010 11:48 PM

comment #33

Absinth Quell Pro says ...

The Cable Guy?

Posted by Absinth Quell Pro at September 2, 2010 11:54 PM

comment #34

AH says ...

Seagal's been rocking those things since, what, his second movie? My problem with it isn't that he has plugs (for the longest time I thought he was spraying something) but that they are the shitty $10 Walmart plugs.

Posted by AH at September 3, 2010 1:04 AM

comment #35

BobbyLupo says ...

Has anybody seen Richie? Does anybody know why Richie did Bobby Lupo?

Posted by BobbyLupo at September 3, 2010 1:42 AM

comment #36

Absinth Quell Pro says ...

There ain't nobody upstairs!

Posted by Absinth Quell Pro at September 3, 2010 2:06 AM

comment #37

brad says ...

lexg

Patrick Stewart looks great bald

Posted by brad at September 3, 2010 4:15 AM

comment #38

DiscoNap says ...

Remember the last time Seagal had a comeback, about 9 years ago with Exit Wounds? Boy did he piss that away immediately. I miss that period and that whole series of Andrej Bartowiak films with its stock company of DMX, Anthony Anderson, and Tom Arnold (speaking of someone who is rocking proper plugs).

Posted by DiscoNap at September 3, 2010 5:23 AM

comment #39

CitizenKanedForPostingThoughts says ...

Hey, did anybody mention Patrick Stewart?

Christ, do you guys even skim through the comments before tossing in your own paltry $.02 into the empty guitar case?

Posted by CitizenKanedForPostingThoughts at September 3, 2010 6:02 AM

comment #40

Noah Cross says ...

Hey, Lex, do you know who looked good bald? That guy on Star Trek. Not the TJ Hooker guy or the one in that new Denzel train movie. But the one without hair.

Posted by Noah Cross at September 3, 2010 6:29 AM

comment #41