Faced With "The Other"

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Last night, or roughy 29 hours ago, Hitfix's Drew McWeeny had a gloriously passionate encounter with, to go with the flow of his descriptions, a gauche, insensitive, moronic and deeply offensive woman during a press screening of This Is War. This is the essence of what he said to her in his mind:

"When you go to a movie theater and you treat it like it's your living room, sharing every horrifying spasm of that flaccid muscle occupying space between your eyes, you have to understand that it is intolerable. I suspect you made a choice tonight that your enjoyment was more important than the enjoyment of anyone else in that theater, and that you routinely make that same choice. I don't believe anyone is as horrible as this woman was without being firmly aware of it. So I'm asking...on the record... how do we handle this differently next time?

"Do you want me to stand up over you and loudly ask you how recent your head injury was and applaud you for your brave attempts to overcome your behavioral issues? Do you want me to simply take the top off my drink and pour it in your lap in an effort to cool you down? Do you want me to join in your conversation and share my honest opinion of your honest opinion of the shirt Tom Hardy is wearing? Tell me how to handle you, and I'll give it a try.

"And even if you're not that particular person, let me throw the question out to all of you on a larger scale. What do we do? What is too much, and what recourse is left to us at this point? If I was at the Drafthouse, I would have simply raised a card and watched the Drafthouse staff take tangible physical pleasure in the destruction of the simpleton, but unfortunately, not every theater is the Drafthouse. Even in LA, even in theaters where they charge a premium, there is no venue that will spend real energy removing a problem from the theater. They treat all theatergoers as equal, and it would take a criminal action to get them to step in and actually do something."

In the David Mamet-authored script for The Untouchables, Sean Connery's character says something to the effect of "if you want to stand up to and possibly destroy evil, you have to become evil." When you're sitting next to an animal in a movie theatre -- a sociopathic animal who won't stop talking incessantly and who won't stop pushing her naked and most likely un-pedicured feet against your upper leg -- you have to become an animal yourself if you want to put a stop to this. You have to throw caution to the wind and give this woman a commensurate response by pouring a 32 ounce drink over her head and into her lap.

You'll be thrown out of the theatre -- make no mistake. You'll be the one at fault. You'll be the one who may have to answer to the police when the theatre manager calls them. You'll be the one who will lose esteem and possibly the respect of your peers. You won't come out of this altercation in any kind of good place. But the offending woman, make no mistake, WILL know the sensation of being soaked by a 32-oz. Diet Coke. She WILL know what it is to feel, on her head and on her lap, the Wrath of the Just. For McWeeny, whom I've known for a good while, is a just fellow. He is moderate and disciplined and respectful of convention but impassioned -- a thoughtful and devout Film Catholic who knows how to write with real feeling, but who respects decency in all its forms, and what the world requires of decent people.

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Posted by Jeffrey Wells on February 10, 2012 at 11:37 PM

comment #1

Anthony Thorne says ...

That's a good piece from Drew, and a good piece from you. Sadly, you've nailed it with the observation that all some of these assholes understand is aggression and brutality. If they won't shut up, and have a tin ear to human niceties, and rebuff your attempts to have them tone things down, you have to go to the Dark Side. Your night is already fucked sitting next to them, and there's no way you'll enjoy the movie with steam pouring out of your ears the whole time. Buy the biggest, bucket sized Coke you can find and then 'accidentally' pour the whole fucking thing into their lap. Then blandly pretend it was an accident. If they kick up a steaming fuss, tell them to go fuck themselves - "Sorry, accidents happen". Ideally, their rudeness will continue and you can go buy another similar Coke bucket and do it to them again.

I feel like Travis Bickle typing this. Drew's article touches a nerve though. The various Drafthouse videos of assholes getting kicked out for talking on the phone are gratifying to watch. I'm curious what the other commenters think about this, and which in-theater incidents still boil their blood when they think about them.

Posted by Anthony Thorne at February 11, 2012 1:20 AM

comment #2

Simonster says ...

I think it would be a mistake to pretend it was an accident, Anthony. Stare them in the eye, don't blink, and pour ever so slowly. I used to take a tiny water gun into theaters. With a little accuracy you hit people in the head two to three rows away. And the punishment is small enough for the punished not to absolutely have to make a fuss about it. If you're loading the gun with only water, that is.

Posted by Simonster at February 11, 2012 1:37 AM

comment #3

VoiceOfReason says ...

Was she a fatty?

Posted by VoiceOfReason at February 11, 2012 3:00 AM

comment #4

Travis Actiontree says ...

Jeez, that's a lot of namby hand ringing and thoughtfully typed-out hullabaloo.

Just square up and tell the dumb bitch to shut her fucking pie hole and be done with it.

Posted by Travis Actiontree at February 11, 2012 3:02 AM

comment #5

JLC says ...

It's like Walter Mitty crossed with Death Wish.

Don't spend half the movie stewing and coming up with devilishly clever, passive-aggressive revenge scenarios you will never, ever attempt. Just tell her to shut up. If she doesn't, get your money back. It's This Means War, for crying out loud. Not like you missed a Beatles reunion.

Posted by JLC at February 11, 2012 3:54 AM

comment #6

Kristopher Tapley says ...

"Just square up and tell the dumb bitch to shut her fucking pie hole and be done with it."

I gather that he did. Multiple times.

Posted by Kristopher Tapley at February 11, 2012 4:49 AM

comment #7

WizardOfAus says ...

I vote against the soft drink treatment, if for no other reason than why ruin a seat oracle a low-paid theatre employee clean your mess? No, really get angry--too angry for the occasion--and scare them into shutting up, for fear your hostility will result in true consequences. I don't mean to say actually go crazy, but make them think you're capable of it, and they'll warily pipe down, casting you a nervous glance as they turn back to watch that shitty spy romantic action comedy you could have waited to see on video, if at all.

Posted by WizardOfAus at February 11, 2012 5:32 AM

comment #8

WizardOfAus says ...

Oracle? or make is what I wrote. Autocorrect...

Posted by WizardOfAus at February 11, 2012 5:33 AM

comment #9

Paul says ...

Great blog to wake up to on both counts - yours and Drew's original piece. It's a problem. The last time I encountered it was three years ago. I had seen "Inglourious Basterds", loved it, so took a couple of other friends to see it.

Prior to the movie starting and during the previews, there was one batch of kids down toward the front and you could tell they weren't going to shut. I despaired, knowing how essential that movie's opening scene is to hooking the audience for the rest of the film. As soon as they movie started and they kept jabbering, I raced out and got the manager who thankfully removed them right as Landa and the Frenchman were moving their conversation into the house.

I *hate* doing stuff like that - I have the same inconvenient "decency" strain that Drew does. At the end of the movie, people clapped (and this was a month after release). I guarantee you if they hadn't been removed, people would not have clapped and would have probably had a lesser opinion of the film, too, having married the movie with the experience.

Jeff, this was the Landmark Fenway theater in Boston if you have any experience with that one.

Posted by Paul at February 11, 2012 6:03 AM

comment #10

longrunner says ...

@Simonster: Love the water pistol idea!!

Posted by longrunner at February 11, 2012 6:05 AM

comment #11

actionman says ...

This is one of the GREATEST THINGS I'VE EVER READ. I'm in total support of Drew because I've been in his shoes before. The movie theater should be treated for what it is for many people: CHURCH. Because the Movie Godz are the only Godz worth believing in.

Theater owners, like the oil pipeline owners in The Grey, should have Liam Neeson-esque sharp-shooters deployed in each theater, ready and anxious to weed-out all non-hackers and mouth-breathers. A man can dream...

Posted by actionman at February 11, 2012 6:08 AM

comment #12

MooType says ...

Wait a minute--it was an industry screening? That's what Drew says, and so fuck the guy. If you're in an industry screening, then you lean in the asshole's ear and say very clearly, "Shut the fuck up! I'm at work here!" That will get you a round of applause, and Fox would only suffer greatly if they tried throwing out any professional who wanted to actually watch their film.

Posted by MooType at February 11, 2012 6:14 AM

comment #13

actionman says ...

sounds like it was a mixer screening. doesn't matter though -- acting a fool in a movie theater should get you beaten.

Posted by actionman at February 11, 2012 6:27 AM

comment #14

Sasha Stone says ...

There are things called real problems. And things called annoyances. This was not a real problem. Get up and walk out, don't continue watching the movie, see it another time. The world isn't going to stop turning because one movie blogger dude didn't get to a screening. I can't get behind the victimization nonsense herein. Love Drew though I do, sometimes the insular bubble of our little world grinds against the reality of the real one. But life is going to adjust to you. You have to grow up and adjust to it. Turns out, Drew used it to showpiece his writing and good on him for doing so. Everyone needs a muse. But come on, people, a little perspective here?

Posted by Sasha Stone at February 11, 2012 7:09 AM

comment #15

reno rambler says ...

It's precisely this sort of behavior, though generally not as extreme, that has driven me out of movie theaters for the most part. I dread going, spending a ton for a ticket, and having the film experience ruined.

I think the 10-15 minutes before a movie starts can be some of the most anxious moments for my wife and I as we mentally assess every new theater entrant to see which might sit close to us and blather on, be an unrepentant texter, an open mouthed chopper, etc. We've pretty much been reduced to seeing early matinees on Sundays. I recognize there is something lost from the film going experience but I'd rather not be taken out of the visual narrative of the film by those distractions even if it means seeing it on a smaller screen.

In the end though, I think the industry/movie theaters are going to have to start clamping down on patrons who are a distraction to others. Whether it's a theater "marshall" who wanders from screen to screen in a multiplex policing or cell phone jamming technology or whatever. Cutesy anti-cell phone ads before the films just aren't cutting it anymore.

Posted by reno rambler at February 11, 2012 7:18 AM

comment #16

the sandwich says ...

I've said it before and I'll say it again, LED flashlight....right in the eyes accompanied by a very load and stern "Please BE QUIET!"

Basically, you come off as a movie theatre air marshall. If they don't shut it after the first time, hit em' again and threaten they'll be removed. After that, complain to the staff.

You can get some pretty powerful flashlights that are pretty small. And trust me, that cover of darkness being removed makes them feel like the jackass they really are.

Posted by the sandwich at February 11, 2012 7:20 AM

comment #17

Flipyourface says ...

Depends on the situation, but I'm with Travis Crabactiontree. I don't look at a theater as a church, but it sure as hell isn't a whorehouse, either, and calling people firmly on their disrespect is all good. My oft-used gambit is to fish out a quarter, toss it in the schmuck's lap, tell him it's my contribution to his Blu-ray fund, and launch into The Speech. I work too hard to have my night busted up by cavemen.

(Just remembered that it was a screening of THIS MEANS WAR; I take back what I said about whorehouses.)

Posted by Flipyourface at February 11, 2012 7:37 AM

comment #18

JohnCope says ...

The problem is that we may look at it as church but the majority look at it as their living room and that majority is encouraged in doing so by chain theater management who myopically fixate only on the immediate economic bottom line.

Posted by JohnCope at February 11, 2012 7:58 AM

comment #19

Gabe@ThePlaylist says ...

Sitting through this mess and writing a blog about it is pretty much the absolute lamest reaction anyone could have. It's a fucking press screening. You are press. This is the only time I can advocate press people throwing their weight around.

Possible solutions:
-Tell her to shut the fuck up and respect your job.
-Move seats. ANYWHERE.
-Tell theater employees.
-Just split. I wouldn't sit through This Means War again if I was next to three Playboy bunnies.

Posted by Gabe@ThePlaylist at February 11, 2012 8:01 AM

comment #20

Krillian says ...

Next time, get her name.

Posted by Krillian at February 11, 2012 8:14 AM

comment #21

coxcable says ...

Older woman + Industry screening + Ignored several requests to quiet down + No effort by companion to shut her up = Mentally ill lady on a first date.

And when you factor in possible drugs & alcohol (which always ruins your focus), you end up with the adult equivalent of a crying newborn. She wasn't chemically capable of being silent.

Coulda been worse, Drew. You coulda been that polite date.

Posted by coxcable at February 11, 2012 8:48 AM

comment #22

Gaydos says ...

The problem with you, Sasha, is that you're sane.

We discussed this brouhaha yesterday at VARIETY (after we were done laughing (hrs later) and came to same or similar confusion.

You do your best to modify their behavior.

You do your best to get the facility to modify their behavior.

You do your best to find another seat.

You DON'T treat this like it's Panahi vs the Mullahs.

Get some perspective.

Get a grip.

But then we wouldn't have the Best Missive of 2012 so far.

Posted by Gaydos at February 11, 2012 9:56 AM

comment #23

actionman says ...

anyone who goes to a movie theater to do anything else but watch the movie is a shit stain. end of story.

Posted by actionman at February 11, 2012 10:17 AM

comment #24

Rashad says ...

Went to see The Grey at AMC in Times Square, and it merely reinforced why that theater attracts the shittiest people from all over. Left right after the plane crash to go uptown to watch it all over with more civilized people. Theaters really need to bring ushers back.

Posted by Rashad at February 11, 2012 10:42 AM

comment #25

dino velvet says ...

Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes registering my disgust throughout the world.

Posted by dino velvet at February 11, 2012 11:08 AM

comment #26

LexG says ...

FWIW, Drew says he was at the AMC Century, which has assigned seating. It was probably sold out.

This is a chief example of why I dearly hope this "assigned seating" bullshit doesn't take over too many more movie houses; The dumbasses on YELP love it because they and their gaggle of Yentas can show up late and still have their seats... but for serious moviegoers, it NEVER works out, cause if there's one place you wanna use a little PROFILING, it's in choosing what morons you're stuck sitting next to in an ancticipated movie for two hours. When you roll the dice with assigned seating, you are going to lose almost every time.

I've gotten in confrontations, switched seats, stewed, bit my tongue... in the end, you might as well WALK OUT... The movie is hopelessly contaminated the second this kind of nuisance escalates enough to take your attention away from the movie. I just walk out and go back a day or two later and consider it a loss.

You're NOT going to be able to re-engage with a movie after any kind of incident; Yeah, it sucks because the ASSHOLE with continue to sit there merrily texting snoring talking farting vomiting, whatever, but in the end, it's not worth the headache... Just bail.

Posted by LexG at February 11, 2012 11:09 AM

comment #27

RoyBatty Returns says ...

If you read Drew's piece, you will see he had few options. It was a mixed industry screening and probably packed. He himself is a guest and knew his peers were in the audience. Someone acting that entitled probably knows a big wig in the Fox hierarchy - Drew doesn't want to find himself locked out of the PROMETHEUS all media in a few months because he screamed at Tom Rothman's Aunt Tilda.

I was wondering how long it would take Jeff to see this and respond to it as I was actually reading it. And as much as it might seem at first blush to be something he might write himself, the pleasure of it comes from the fact that McWeeny is more like one of us than Jeff. Had Jeff written it with his well established prejudices and curmudgeonly habits you'd have to take it all with a grain of salt for exaggeration.

Posted by RoyBatty Returns at February 11, 2012 11:18 AM

comment #28

Carl Kolchak says ...

Sasha says stop complaining, no big deal...... the unnamed offender was a woman......hmmmmm

Posted by Carl Kolchak at February 11, 2012 12:50 PM

comment #29

MooType says ...

I'm probably coming in too late for this to matter, but I'm pretty appalled at how easily you folks are willing to put up with crap at an industry screening. I've seen one of the most well-known film critics in the world publicly shamed when he attempted to whisper his notes into a tape recorder. At another screening, a cry of "Ain't no shushin' in a free movie!" had a lot of critics shouting down the idiot and explaining how that was exactly why the moron had to shut the hell up. Of course, blogging types are a lot wimpier. It's probably safe to assume that McWeeny was scared he might be offending someone like Peter Jackson's senile old aunt.

Posted by MooType at February 11, 2012 2:52 PM

comment #30