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"Elizabeth: The Golden Age"

Posted by Jeffrey Wells on September 09, 2007 at 07:49 AM

You can forget any serious notions right now of Elizabeth: The Golden Age (Universal, 10.12) being a Best Picture contender. I'm not in the least bit sorry to be the bearer of dispiriting news for the Universal team because this film is an affront to the lost art of story-telling, to logic and clarity, to the tradition of historical costume epics and to God Herself.

I have been to the temple of madness this morning. I have tasted true lunacy. I feel as I've been injected with bad mescaline against my will, and that I need to be taken to the nearest hospital in an ambulance. I have seen Cate Blanchett in silver body armor atop a mighty steed and giving a St. Crispin's Day speech and wearing a long red "war" wig and wondered, "What's happening here? Is it me or the movie, or should I just take the elevator up to the roof and jump off?"

This is the kind of wretched, at times laughably mudddled historical epic that makes you say to yourself over and over, "Wikipedia's Elizabeth page will save me, Wikipedia will save me...thank God for Wikipedia!"

Director Shekhar Kapur has delivered a big canvas super-movie that is entirely (surprise!) about the delivery of wow visual elements -- costumes, sets, thousands of candles, wigs, more costumes, courtly elites in dapper gowns and well-trimmed beards -- and is borderline ludicrous in just about every other department.

Elizabeth: The Golden Age delivers the kind of hammy overwrought insanity that makes Peter Jackson's Lord fo the Rings trilogy look like a model of erudition and old-school restraint. It's the kind of film that makes you want to run out into the street, screaming and hyperventilating and wildly searching for a valium, a drink, a suppository...anything that might provide a measure of relaxation. I chuckled, I howled once or twice, I wanted to cry, and I was open-mouthed with astonishment.

Poor Cate, poor Clive Owen, poor Geoffrey Rush...they must have had a rough idea what they were getting into (Kapur's first Elizabeth movie was insane also), but this is the kind of thing that just tips over like a huge kettle of gumbo on the floor, soaking everyone's shoes and sending bypassers scampering.

I'm guessing that Elizabeth: The Golden Age is going to be very, very popular with a certain type of moviegoer and a certain type of critic. It's definitely a ride and a swim in a pool of fire, but the old "you'll have to check your brain at the door" maxim doesn't come close to addressing the situation.

The central conflict of the story is between Spain and the madness that was Catholicism -- somewhat akin to the fundamentalist Islamics of today -- and Elizabeth's England. I'd like to explain further but I have to go upstairs and catch Joe Wright's Atonement, which is starting in 20 minutes. Talk about states of post-psychedlic, faux-operatic frenzy.

I need to calm down. I need a cup of coffee. I need a Jamba Juice. I need the warm embrace of a friend.

Comments

Oh. My. God.

Posted by: sunny at September 9, 2007 08:38 AM

My god... it sounds like an exhausting movie to watch. I know I am older and have older tastes... but if I want to see pretend-history in a movie I go back to the days of "A Lion in Winter" or "A Man for All Seasons". I don't need a wild ride to make me want to take in a dose of history. I am curious how Attonement will play so let us know. That is one movie I have high hopes for. I work in a bookstore and there is already a lot of interested people buying the book AGAIN and it has been out for over a year at least in paperback. That is a good sign I think.

Posted by: romeoisbleeding at September 9, 2007 08:44 AM

This review is, perhaps, a tad hyperbolic. But very funny!

Posted by: carla kolchak at September 9, 2007 08:45 AM

Just to be clear, you had the same opinion of the original Elizabeth, right?

I'm wondering, Jeff, did you catch the Helen Mirren miniseries version on HBO?

Posted by: BNick at September 9, 2007 08:46 AM

I didn't like it either. It's just not very funny. The jokes fall completely flat, the wacky accents aren't the least bit amusing and don't even get me started on the pratfalls and physical comedy.

Posted by: MickTravis at September 9, 2007 09:16 AM

Jeff couldn't know a Best Picture nominee if it was seven feet tall, coloured bright pink and was stomping around Times Square with a 10,000 volt megaphone roaring out "Hi! I'm a Best Picture nominee!"

Posted by: Ian Sinclair at September 9, 2007 09:23 AM

Good one Ian, very "Blackadder-ian." Will he take down THE GOLDEN AGE as he took down MUNICH, I wonder?

Posted by: Howlingman at September 9, 2007 09:29 AM

$20 says it nails a Best Picture nom for all the reasons you just said it wouldn't. (First one did, afterall).

Then we can claim Elizabeth this year's Munich.

Out of curiosity, what were other people's reactions?

Posted by: The Winchester at September 9, 2007 09:34 AM

Now we know what Sinclair does for a living.

Anyway...the first movie was garbage. It was a vampire movie without vampires.

Posted by: GeorgePrager at September 9, 2007 09:40 AM

Damn straight, Prager...

Posted by: Nick J at September 9, 2007 09:46 AM

Spot on, Ian. This is why I don't listen to what ANYONE SAYS ABOUT ANYTHING when it comes to so-called Oscar movies. I don't even trust myself. You can't see a film and make such declarations. They were all over Walk the Line, etc. Wells has hated almost every film headed for Oscar that there ever was. So, with a grain of salt, this.

Posted by: Zimmergirl at September 9, 2007 09:55 AM

An MLK "I have" sermon makes this movie sound badass. Universal sends kisses. And I thought I had it rough seeing "Hairspray" Friday night. "Diving Bell" screenings are coming to town for industry lite, and they closing out.

Posted by: T. Holly at September 9, 2007 09:57 AM

Sorry, rushed that last post. Meant to see, you can't see them in a vacuum and make such declarations. Unless the film is REALLY THAT BAD. Universal appears to be more behind American Gangster anyway, though, so I'm not entirely surprised by this reaction.

Posted by: Zimmergirl at September 9, 2007 09:59 AM

I am now 100% positive that I'm going to love this movie :)

Posted by: MovieBob at September 9, 2007 10:03 AM

Am I the only one who liked the first flick? I thought it was solid with a GREAT Rush performance. I thought he was the tits (no offense, Jeff!)!!!

Posted by: EOTW at September 9, 2007 10:03 AM

"Now we know what Sinclair does for a living."

first guffaw of the day!

i can't wait to not see this but i hope it's a hit for clive owen.

Posted by: christian at September 9, 2007 10:12 AM

I bet Jeff is spot on here.

Elizabeth was borderline wretched because the director is possibly one of the worst to ever get given such big projects. The original was watchable only because Blanchett was so good. Take away that breakout performance and the rest of the film, particularly the way it is directed, is awful. No surprise the guy has hardly done anything since - except or Four Feathers which was universally slammed. Wont be rushing to see this.

Posted by: adaml at September 9, 2007 10:21 AM

Sorry, I'm still in the "Would watch Cate reading the ingredients off a package of twinkies" camp. I'm going.

Posted by: cjKennedy at September 9, 2007 10:23 AM

Sounds almost exactly like my reactions to the first Elizabeth.
I've never understood the adulation that film got (though I liked Eccleston and Blanchett).

Posted by: MPNeeb at September 9, 2007 10:36 AM

Yeah, I also loved the first Elizabeth. Well deserved best pic nominee.

Posted by: Zimmergirl at September 9, 2007 11:19 AM

Perhaps you could write a nice, helpful 10-12 paragraph e-mail to the director, Jeff. Pointing out, in your trademark jocular fashion. just what you might in this film might still be fixed and what in it you'll simply never respond to. And don't forget to CC Nikki Finke.

Posted by: lionsfan at September 9, 2007 11:37 AM

I meant "what might still..."

Posted by: lionsfan at September 9, 2007 11:38 AM

Elizabeth: The Golden Age delivers the kind of hammy overwrought insanity that makes Peter Jackson's Lord fo the Rings trilogy look like a model of erudition and old-school restraint.

Given Jeff's unending criticism of LOTR and Jackson, this has to be the biggest slam in a review full of slams. I don't think I've ever seen him compare LOTR favorably to something else. I'm very amused.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at September 9, 2007 11:59 AM

I'm a little disappointed. I did like Elizabeth quite a bit.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at September 9, 2007 12:01 PM

Actually Prager, this is what Ian Sinclair does for a living: http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.channel&ChannelID=99227645

I wish this were a joke, but it's not...

Posted by: muteprotest at September 9, 2007 12:06 PM

Did Jeff watch the whole movie or did he leave after Plot Point One?

Posted by: bagelfilm at September 9, 2007 12:28 PM

"Anyway...the first movie was garbage. It was a vampire movie without vampires."

EXACTLY! That's one of the best zingers here in months, and dead on-- weirdly gothic, as full of pseudo-cool punk attitude as an Underworld movie, saved only by British actors doing the same kind of we-can-bring-dignity-to-anything work they did in all the Hammer horror movies of the 60s.

Anyway, this is all the more reason to see the Helen Mirren HBO miniseries, which I think is quite good, especially the second half that covers much the same history as this apparently does. It does a really good job capturing the precarious hold she had over her advisers (as a woman, and as any monarch finds himself or herself wrestling her underlings for control); and it made sense of Essex's rebellion by portraying him as a spurned lover in emotional meltdown. It's the first Elizabeth movie where I really believed the portrayal of the politics of her court.

Posted by: Mgmax at September 9, 2007 12:46 PM

"... the Helen Mirren HBO miniseries ... It's the first Elizabeth movie where I really believed the portrayal of the politics of her court."

Have you ever seen the Glenda Jackson miniseries "Elizabeth R" from the early 1970s? It's been decades since I saw it, but I remember thinking that it did a great job of laying out the court politics. But then I was kid back when I saw it.

Too bad Glenda Jackson has retired from acting.

Posted by: nemo at September 9, 2007 01:05 PM

All I really remember is her death scene. But I was about 10 when I saw it. It would be worth seeing again.

Posted by: Mgmax at September 9, 2007 01:28 PM

I just knew it was gonna be jingoistic.

Posted by: D.Z. at September 9, 2007 01:57 PM

While I rather enjoyed Elizabeth (generally because of Cate and Rush's perfs), I still can't help but remember the dance moments with Joseph Fiennes without a giggle or two.

Posted by: austin111 at September 9, 2007 03:29 PM

Good lord, you fellows didn't really believe Jeff, did you? How amusing.

Here is the first legitimate press review, a rave from the HOLLYWOOD REPORTER.

Once more Shekhar Kapur and Co. find fun and romance in 16th century English history. By Kirk Honeycutt
Sep 9, 2007

TORONTO -- Queen Bess is back in fine form in "Elizabeth: The Golden Age," the second of a potential three-part historical romance about England's Virgin Queen. Cate Blanchett has lost none of the brio that earned her an Oscar nom for 1998's "Elizabeth." Nor has returning director Shekhar Kapur toned down any of the energetic camera moves, pageantry or vivid colors he deployed to reformulate historical drama in the original movie. This is history writ large, presented in terms of larger-than-life personalities rather than changing political, social and religious climates. It's robust historical fiction, designed as movie spectacle, which calls out to toss aside dusty history books and join the fun.

Remnants remain from Hollywood's own golden age of historical drama. A musical score by Craig Armstrong and AR Rahman is virtually a character itself, huffing and puffing through nearly every scene, provoking tension and calling characters to action. Resplendent costumes, grand sets build in England's Shepperton Studios and architecturally magnificent locations all give a feeling of majesty.

So the second "Elizabeth" movie should appeal to a broad age range, as did its predecessor. This unabashedly romantic epic from Working Title and Universal looks set to deliver boxoffice gold.

The good queen is now in her third decade of rule. No longer a young girl struggling to learn the ruthless ways of court life, Elizabeth is thoroughly at home with flattering wooers, fawning sycophants and courtly spectacle. (Indeed, with Kapur at the helm, her court looks like a circus with exotic humans, wild animals and nimble dancers vying for her pleasure.)
Storm clouds gather across the English Channel in Spain where King Philip II (Jordi Molla) assembles his Catholic forces to free England from its Protestant queen. This marks the filmmakers' attempt to contemporize 16th century European conflicts in a model resembling our modern struggle with religious fundamentalism. Elizabeth is seen here as the leader of the forces of enlightenment and liberality -- which is not entirely inaccurate -- against the religious intolerance and barbarism of the Spanish Inquisition.

In Michael Hirst (who wrote the first movie) and William Nicholson's screenplay, Elizabeth is a woman of action and sharp words rather than the historical Elizabeth, a notorious ditherer -- who nevertheless was a shrewd politician and social engineer -- and a ruler whose motto was "I see and keep silent."

Her circle of advisors has been reduced to one, the great spymaster Sir Francis Walsingham (a returning Geoffrey Rush). Her romantic interest falls on a person who was indeed a favorite courtier yet one historical gossip usually omits from her list of alleged lovers, the dashing explorer and author Sir Walter Raleigh (Clive Owen).

The writers have moved up Raleigh's clandestine affair and marriage to lady-in-waiting Bess Throkmorton (Abbie Cornish) by several years so it can coincide with the legendary English defeat of the Spanish Armada. Raleigh plays a huge (and historically unlikely) role in this version of that battle but one that fits in well with the escalating drama of the Queen's personal and public crises.

That naval battle, recreated through all manner of movie trickery from digital effects to underwater action, is wonderfully staged and not too elaborate. (End credits even mention the use of footage from David Lean's "Ryan's Daughter," possibly those mighty waves crashing on a dark, rocky shore.) Blanchett in her glistening body armor astride a fine stallion overlooking the sea, delivering a great rally speech to the troops, gives the movie its most resplendent moment of sheer majesty.

Yet whether in her bath or glaring at underlings, Blanchett has made this Queen her own, a woman of fierce independence and thought, who only in her most private moments yearns for the male touch that she must deny herself. For virginity is part of her statecraft.

Rush is wily and self-contained as the spymaster while Owen as Sir Walter channels a toned down yet still quite debonair Errol Flynn.

All in all, it's a grand package of hearty acting, design and action.

Posted by: Ian Sinclair at September 9, 2007 03:50 PM

His work done, Sinclair returns to the Barrow Street Ale House, where he is greeted with dirty looks, guffaws and contagious eye-rolling.

Posted by: GeorgePrager at September 9, 2007 04:11 PM

"Good lord, you fellows didn't really believe Jeff, did you? How amusing."

As opposed to the Hollywood Reporter? ("This unabashedly romantic epic from Working Title and Universal looks set to deliver boxoffice gold." Who's writing this shit, Walter Monheit?)

Jeff's evisceration certainly gibes with the impressions I got from the absurdly over-the-top trailer, which reminded me of the remake of Scott of the Antarctic with 50-foot killer penguins with tentacles. Oops, I guess that's "robust historical fiction, designed as movie spectacle, which calls out to toss aside dusty history books and join the fun."

Posted by: Mgmax at September 9, 2007 05:03 PM

Thank you for acknowledging the trailer, Mgmax. For a while there I thought I was the only one expecting this kind of reaction after seeing that ridiculous trailer. What the fuck people?

Posted by: Geoff at September 9, 2007 05:10 PM

48 hours later and Jeff's hysterical excesses are A-ok...because they match your own.

This is the type of review (of his) that I loathe, distain, disregard, and dismiss.

I wondered (for awhile) if it was all an act to garner 'attention'....thanks to his own words, I now know.....he's an idiot.

I'll look elsewhere for real reviews and relegate Mr. Wells to his proper role....entertainment......

Jeff, funny review....bravo!!!

Posted by: sandekat at September 9, 2007 05:40 PM

"His work done, Sinclair returns to the Barrow Street Ale House, where he is greeted with dirty looks, guffaws and contagious eye-rolling."

Prager, your comment just made my day. I thank you, sir.

Posted by: muteprotest at September 9, 2007 06:40 PM

Elizabeth was one of the most frightening horror movies of that year.

Geoffrey Rush was robbed that year.

That said, I'm looking forward to their next pass at the story.

Posted by: Griff at September 9, 2007 06:57 PM

Everytime I see the trailer for Golden Age, I can't help but bust out laughing. My boyfriend and I have taken to calling it "Elizabeth 2: The Elizabethening!" I expect a dragon to show up at some point, or for Cate to lose her hand in battle and replace it with a rocket launcher. If that were the case, I would totally be there on opening night.

It looks like the fake add for Good Will Hunting 2 from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.

Posted by: Bocephus at September 10, 2007 08:21 AM

It stands a good chance of several nominations, especially in costume design and for Blanchett as best actress. It's not going to disappoint the people who loved the first one. The audience at the 3 p.m. public screening today seemed to thoroughly enjoy it, judging by the exit comments.