You can collect loads of good karma by thanking people for not raping you. Intellectual women aren't so goddamn smart. In a dwindling industry, no one should be expected to copy edit the crossword puzzles. Stalking will lead you to enlightenment. Feed OCD and social anxiety disorders, but starve common sense and self-preservation. You can get a combination of set pieces from Twister and Jurassic Park on screen if you wrap them in a romantic comedy. Exploiting the deaf for comedic effect will never go out of style in Hollywood. Rescued children gain healing powers that eliminate the need for a hospital visit....Read More

I'm busy working on full coverage in various forms for what I saw at last weekend's BNAT 11. The event was the best programmed from top to bottom of the three I've attended. This will have to do until I can crank out all the individual pieces I've been working on since Sunday evening. I have carefully crafted some bits that spoil nothing, but that BNAT attendees will "get" more so than others.

Faust
Being a young, attractive woman exponentially increases one's likelihood of being date raped through supernatural means. Old men will do anything to screw young girls. The Devil is...Read More

Before we get to the Moral, I should note that I did not watch this ABC Family classic in its entirety, but rather, the last 45 minutes (including commercials) when I arrived home and prepared something to eat. It's a Christmas TV movie starring Melissa Joan Hart, Mario Lopez, Markie Post, and Timothy "That's My Bush" Bottoms. June Lockheart plays Cranky Grandma.

Abduction and imprisonment of an attractive male stranger is the only way to work out one's issues with being a quirky, single, artistically-inclined woman. Men are moved to love by horror-styled abduction and handcuffing to the point that they'll realize you're...Read More

All women are ball-busting annoyances of some sort, with the notable exception of prostitutes. Prostitutes and other sex workers are the voice of reason in the universe, and are probably the only key to happiness and fulfillment.

The Moral Of... sprang forth fully-formed from the head of a post I made to my Twitter feed.

Hide everything from the person you love and everything will work out to domesticated bliss. Any insane thing that your parents do is totally normal, because when people get older, they do the craziest shit you could imagine.

The Moral Of... sprang forth fully-formed from the head of a post I made to my Twitter feed.

Resisting the urge to grow old in the bowels of a museum banging a mannequin that looks like Amy Adams and comes to life only at night is a virtue. You can always retreat into your younger, more ambitious self to avoid the pressures of fame and success. Always leave your kid at home so that he can provide you and the audience with ample exposition via cell phone.

The Moral Of... sprang forth fully-formed from the head of a post I made to my Twitter feed.

Sometimes all an uppity rich bitch needs to learn her lesson is a good knock upside the head and amnesiac sex with a day laborer. Misinformed consensual sex and plenty of housework are the secret to happiness for women everywhere. Being an otherwise loutish, lazy bastard is fine as long as you're a single parent. Accountability is always too much of a pain in the ass!

I'm realizing how often "misinformed consensual sex" is going to appear in The Moral Of's for romantic comedies.

The Moral Of... sprang forth fully-formed from the head of a post I made to my Twitter...

Sometimes you have no choice but to commit fraud in the name of greed and ego. Love can then spring from the most impractical and depressingly desperate of places: the soulless world of publishing.

The Moral Of... sprang forth fully-formed from the head of a post I made to my Twitter feed.

Being a career-focused, independent woman will lead to psychological disorders only curable by banging a Scotsman who should have been allowed to use his native accent since it slips out all the time anyway. Being a human sex toy for your man will transform you into the obedient, servile Stepford Slut every guy wants and deserves. Lighten up you uptight bitch, and unfurl your skank flag!

The Moral Of... sprang forth fully-formed from the head of a post I made to my Twitter feed.

Fraud and misinformed consensual sex are the secret to happiness in love. Give bad advice and someone will commit fraud to stick their dick in you to a Feist soundtrack.

The idea for The Moral Of... sprang from a post I made to my Twitter feed the other day.