The Amityville Horror (2005)

The Amityville Horror is yet another entry in the "let's make a crappy/sellout remake with a C-grade cast and crew" category of horror filmmaking. Other recent fiascos include The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (written by the same hack that brought you this film), The Fog, Dawn of the Dead, and all those lame Americanized Japanese ghost kid horror films that have hit our Cineplex's like the plague. As a matter of fact, the makers of Amityville '05 seem to be especially content creating moments that are complete rip-offs of those Japanese to American rip-offs. It almost seems as though they used actual scrap footage from The Ring and The Grudge.

Casting 2 Guys, a Girl and Pizza Place star Ryan Reynolds as the lead certainly wasn't a wise decision. I simply cannot take this guy seriously. His descent into madness is so abrupt and unconvincing that the film loses all credibility. Funniest/scariest of all, Reynolds is constantly walking around the house with his shirt off, all greased up, and with, like, an eight pack. Seeing as this film takes place in the more-physically-modest-than-today '70s and Reynolds's character wasn't referred to as being a professional bodybuilder/superhero, I found his visual presence to be downright comical. There are also frequent laugh-out-loud moments where we witness Reynolds's character as he basically trips out and becomes evil and stuff. At least it works as unintentional satire.

The fact that there isn't really even an onscreen casualty is pretty tame by today's standards. Not that I require a body count. On the contrary. It's great when a film can produce cerebral scares that aren't dependent on violence. However, this film obviously couldn't be scary on its own, so I was at least hoping for one or two grisly deaths and/or some good F/X. I mean, Reynolds doesn't even bite the dust. There's just that ghost girl with the bullet in the head wound, as well as a few heavily-edited MTV-style flashback torture sequences.

One of the only saving graces of this film is that the original was never that great to begin with. At least this isn't as blasphemous as say...the recent Texas Chainsaw remake. Another amusing-yet-depressing-to-watch element is the casting of Phillip Baker Hall, who is inevitably/laughably chased out of the house by a swarm of evil CGI bees.

The DVD looks and sounds quite fine. Aside from a little compression and some slight edge-enhancement, the 2.35:1 anamorphic transfer looks very solid, with plenty of good color representation and sharp detail. Sound comes in 5.1 and definitely does the trick with the film's constant/irritating use of distorted ambient sounds.

I had the misfortune of having to listen to the film's audio commentary with the two exec producers and Mr. Eight Pack himself. The commentary is essentially an hour and a half of self flattery. The producers seem to really be into Reynolds's acting abilities because they cannot stop complimenting him throughout the film. In turn, Reynolds shoots back with more respects to the film. We get it...the kids rocked, Reynolds rocked, the effects rocked, the script and direction rocked, etc.

Included on the DVD are 8 deleted scenes (that are just as bad as the movie) with optional Reynolds and co. commentary and two featurettes: a 26-minute promo (I mean...making-of) and a 17-minute doc on the Defeo murders and such. In addition, there are 9 multi-angle interactive set exploration thingies that can be accessed during the film.

Also included is a bland photo gallery and that infuriating, headache inducing anti-piracy ad shown prior to the main menu. The combination of a crappy film, Ryan Reynolds, and those goddamned piracy ads make this a DVD to steer clear of this Halloween. Look for a movie that's genuinely scary, and not one that's so genuinely awful it's scary. -- Neil Karassik