Satisfaction

From its unlikely opening (Justine Bateman delivering a valedictorian address) to its farfetched conclusion (Justine Bateman giving up fame and fortune to pursue school), Satisfaction will shock, baffle, and possibly even disturb you with its awfulness. It's also a rollicking good time. When I was in elementary school, my girlfriends and I were so in love with The Bangles (who I swear this movie is based on) and the whole girl band thing that we actually recorded Satisfaction's soundtrack -- complete with Justine Bateman's appalling vocals -- by pressing "record" and "play" on a ghetto blaster, while the movie rolled on TV.

The film was obviously intended to transform Bateman from popular TV actress (Family Ties) to bona fide movie star. After all, her TV brother Michael J. Fox (Alex P. Keaton to her Mallory) successfully navigated the jump from TV to film with the double-whammy success of 1985's Back to the Future and Teen Wolf. Unfortunately for Justine Bateman, her big screen debut was more akin to that of her real life brother, Jason, whose first movie, Teen Wolf Too, currently sits at #72 on the internet movie database's list of the worst movies of all time.

Satisfaction bombed quite badly in 1988 and put a hasty end to Bateman's movie career. It also killed the careers of its writer and director. Ever heard of Charles Purpura or Joan Freeman? Didn't think so.

The movie revolves around a mostly girls band called Mystery. They land a gig playing at a beach resort bar for the summer, where hijinks ensue with the locals. This thrilling backdrop gives the four female actresses a stellar opportunity to explore the profound depths of their characters. Jennie Lee (Bateman) is smart, Mooch (Trini Alvarado) is tough, Billy (played by Britta Phillips, the voice of Jem from TV's Jem and the Holograms) is a stoner, and Daryle (Julia Roberts) is a slut.

Let's face it, this is probably Roberts' most accurate depiction of herself onscreen yet. She's been engaged to practically every co-star she's ever had, wrecked more than a few marriages, and let's not forget about her cold-hearted two-timing of Keifer Sutherland and Jason Patrick back in 1990. Sorry about that. Got a little carried away there.

Rounding out this stellar troupe of un and pre-known actors is Liam Neeson in a casting decision that I would describe as problematic, at best. Neeson plays Martin, a drunk bar owner, who has a summer fling with Bateman -- don't look for any semblance of chemistry here -- then unceremoniously tells her to take a hike. Which she does.

The widescreen anamorphic transfer is pretty decent and the audio is...well, the audio is Justine Bateman singing and banging on a cowbell so enthusiastically that Christopher Walken would probably ask her to ease up.

While the extra features are more than a little light -- a trailer and a music video featuring Mystery singing "Satisfaction" -- this movie is definitely worth a watch. It's got Julia Roberts pre-Mystic Pizza and Liam Neeson pre-dignity. And wouldn't you know it? The two were "doing it" during filming. What a slut. -- Sarah Duda