Blades of Glory [HD DVD]

As you may already know, Paramount (and Dreamworks) no longer caters to the Blu-ray crowd. Instead of supporting both high-def formats, the studio has decided to release their catalogue exclusively on HD DVD. Whether or not this was a rational business decision (probably not) or bribery (probably), the much-anticipated high-definition release of Blades of Glory was, at the eleventh hour, cancelled for Blu-ray. At the time, this may have seemed like a minor triumph for HD DVD supporters, but now that Warner has jumped ship, it's little more than a punchline.

In spite of the last minute recall of the Blades of Glory Blu-ray -- which resulted in a near apocalypse -- several copies did actually make it onto shelves and they were sold on eBay for ludicrously undeserving prices. While this release was hardly worth the stir it caused, consider this a moderately intriguing moment in the ongoing (but now all but over) format war. Unfortunately, next gen home video equipment doesn't make this dud any funnier.

The story is too spotty, arbitrary, overly plotted and ridiculous to even go over in detail. Needless to say, it doesn't really matter whether or not Will Ferrell plays a soccer coach or a NASCAR driver or an Olympic figure skater -- it's all the same redundant crap. Tragically, the guy hasn't been funny on the big screen in several years.

Ferrell does his underwhelming, one-note shtick and the impossibly uncharismatic Jon Heder is almost unwatchable (like, Rob Schnieder unwatchable). Even small screen talent like Will Arnett, Amy Poehler, Rob Corddry, Andy Richter, and Jenna Fischer are squandered, which is downright offensive given their collective talent. Every character looks entirely bored throughout the film, resulting in very little improvisational wackiness. Not even Craig T. Nelson could save this dud. Still, there is one actor who gives a moderately hilarious performance: Reno 911!'s Nick Swardson plays Hector, Jimmy's (Jon Heder) number one fan, who at one moment wants to shave Jimmy's head and eat his hair like spaghetti. There's just no way that line was on paper.

In all fairness, there are a few humorous moments every ten to fifteen minutes, but the overall half-heartedness of the script, direction, and performances weighs everything down. There's also something obnoxious and off-putting about how little effort is shown in these performances from mostly well-regarded comedic icons. Will Ferrell skating in a rhinestone studded leotard outfit with a wig on just doesn't cut it on its own (anymore). And I also have to make mention of how overly produced and edited the film appears. The first ten minutes are virtually incoherent. There's just so much crapilly condensed narrative and expensive video gamey shot transitions that immediately irritate and suck the life out of everything.

While I wouldn't certify the a/v as reference quality, Blades of Glory's 1.85:1 high-def transfer looks sharp, colorful, spotless and most likely exactly as it did theatrically. As for audio, Paramount never went ahead with a TrueHD audio track, but the 5.1 more than does justice.

In terms of extras, I'm kind of glad to say that I gratefully do not have to re-watch this film with an audio commentary. What we do get as extras are -- with the exception of some crappy MTV promos and a decent 10-minute episode of Moviefone with Ferrell, Arnett, and Heder -- pleasantly presented in HD.

First up is the mandatory 15-minute making-of doc, which does contain a few jokes that aren't completely unfunny. One highlight has some of the cast naming their 20 (!) favorite ice skaters (obviously, Brian Boitano is mentioned). The rest of the disc contains a bunch of roughly 5-minute short segments that are thankfully more candid and less self-congratulatory.

"Celebrities on Ice" has skating choreographer Sarah Karahawa showing the actors how to do sweet moves on the ice. "Cooler Than Ice: The Sexy Costumes of Skating" shows us some of the actors' favorite wardrobe pieces. "A Family Affair" elevates the comedy somewhat, as it has real life married couple Arnett and Poehler giving a self-consciously arrogant interview. Next comes "20 Questions with Scott Hamilton," which is just that, only with progressively sillier (lame) questions and even sillier (lamer) answers.

Finally comes the true masterpiece of the bunch. "Hector: Portrait of a Psycho Fan" is awesome for many reasons, one of which is that the title of the extra is a riff on Henry: Portrait of Serial Killer. Secondly, Hector (Swardson) -- while not necessarily the funniest dude in showbiz -- is the highlight of the entire cast. For better and worse, there appears to be a lot more adlibbing going on, which is more exciting than anything coming from the writers and cast.

Rounding out the disc is a still gallery (who the hell looks at these?), several deleted scenes, and some surprisingly funny extended footage that actually does hint at some inspired improv from the primary cast members. Good thing they cut this material, though. Wouldn't want things to get too entertaining and unformulaic.

As an added bonus (it's not really a bonus, but I prefer to think of it as one), the disc also comes equipped with a music video by Bo freakin' Bice. Bo Bice! Is it me or is that guy's name infinitely funnier than this entire film? Anyway, I don't know if getting Bo Bice was part of some self-aware joke or not, but he plays it pretty straight and the result is nothing short of astonishing. Take that however you like.

Blades of Glory is an uninspired, pedestrian comedy with zero charm and next to no humor or wit. That's not to say that this HD DVD doesn't deliver the best quality possible -- at the very least there are some pretty high-def images of Montreal -- but this format's on its last legs so why bother? If only poor, under-used Hector had his own film. That man definitely has a story to tell. Oh well, he's probably too good to be slumming it in this comedic ghetto anyway. -- Neil Karassik