Still in the toilet but at least they defied Richard Rushfield’s prediction (or morbid suspicion) that they might drop below last year’s calamitous tally of 10 million viewers. And after Will Smith’s bitch-slapping of Chris Rock you know that a certain low-rent sector of the public will tune in next year in hopes of something similar happening. Onward and upward!

For one-third of a second I thought “oh, great!…Bill and Quentin are gonna jump into the Will Smith thing!” But of course, no…this was taped two or three weeks ago. But getting ripped together or even just smoking tobacco and maybe sharing a drink…”guys letting their hair down with the aid of mood-altering stimulants”…this is a good idea.

You can take the man out of West Philadelphia, but you can’t take West Philadelphia out of the man. In a flash, all the self-supporting facades and belief systems that we’ve wrapped around ourselves can just disintegrate and suddenly we’re 16 again…

Tatiana admires what she regards as a “man’s man” — strong, decisive, two-fisted, Will Smith-like.

Not long after Smith slapped Chris Rock on the Oscar stage and a little while after we’d both watched and re-watched videos of the incident, Tatiana wanted to know if I was a real man by the standards of Smith or Vladimir Putin — if I would have the cojones to stride onto the main stage of the Comedy Store, say, and slug a comedian if he had insulted her in some way.

My answer boiled down to “no, I would not slug the comedian onstage in front of an audience.” But we would have stern words in private after he’d completed his set. I would admonish him for being callous or thoughtless and I would insist upon a civil apology, but no, I would not follow the Putin playbook by slugging him or kicking him in the balls or forcing a cyanide capsule into his mouth and holding his jaw shut.

“Are you a man? Do you know what a real man is?” came her response.

“I’m not a tough, two-fisted Russian husband, I can tell you that,” I said, “and I’ve never felt so proud of myself as I am this very moment. So no, I am not a face-slapping kind of guy, certainly not in public and in full view of a paying audience.

“So I am not Will Smith, and thank you very much for allowing me to make things clear in this regard. I don’t tolerate cruelty or hurting a woman’s feelings or in any way humiliating her in front of others, but I do believe in settling things outside and privately, face to face and eyeball to eyeball.”

“Richard Williams was a fierce defender of his family,” Smith said in his acceptance speech. “In this time of my life, in this moment, I am overwhelmed by what God is calling on me to do and be in this world. I know to do what we do, you’ve got to be able to take abuse. You’ve got to be able to have people disrespect you, and you’ve gotta smile and pretend that’s OK. I want to apologize to the Academy, to my fellow nominees.

“This is a beautiful moment…[but] I want to apologize to the Academy…here I am, being the crazy father, the crazy father…love will make you do crazy things…thank you for this honor, thank you for this moment.” — fragments from Will Smith‘s acceptance speech after winning the Best Actor Oscar for his performance as Richard Williams in King Richard.

HE is stalling and crashing due to me — it’s my damn fault for trusting Siteground, my Eastern European server, to deliver in a solid, thorough professional level. It’s my own damn fault but I’m dumping these guys as soon as I can. This is awful. I feel mortified.

7:27 pm: What was funny about Regina King holding up a screener of The Last Duel while saying that no one has seen it? Or Wanda Sykes holding up a shredded Texas ballot — good point but not funny.

7:19 pm: What am I mostly feeling while watching the Oscars? What is the one thought that keeps repeating in my head? “I can’t wait to attend the 2022 Cannes Film Festival…that God for that forthcoming adventure.”

7:04 pm: Congrats to Belfast‘s Kenneth Branagh for winning the Best Original Screenplay. And to CODA‘s Sean Heder for winning Best Adapted Screenplay. Heder is thanking the phone book, but that’s what winners sometimes do. Friendo: “The two best speeches both belonged to CODA. Because they had emotion. Branagh’s speech was classy and succinct and gracious.”

6:55 pm: This is basically a folks-of-color Oscar telecast…a rainbow inclusion pageant…a vigorous and passionate representation factor for Latinos, African Americans, Asian, LGBTQs. In this sense it’s fairly similar to the Union Station atmosphere in that the industry’s mostly (am I allowed to say this?) European-descended majority is…uhm, subordinate? Not all that vigorously represented. But that’s okay. Academy sentiments are Academy sentiments. We’re living through a time of progressive change. Incidentally: The Latin dance number is pretty terrific.

6:45 pm: Costume design Oscar for Cruella — Jenny Beavan! A brilliant designer, hugely respected, great smile.

6:38 pm: So far the show is playing a little better than last April’s Soderbergh disaster, but not that much better. Friendo text: “Arianna DeBose has made history as the first openly queer woman to win an Oscar. Fine and good and obviously approvable, but I’m not really feeling the current. The whole community i/s supportive…queer artists are not the underdogs.”

6:20 pm: Time to hand CODA‘s Troy Kotsur his Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. Troy’s signed acceptance speech is very moving – the first poignant moment of the show. Congrats to Troy — a very fine delivery of evolved humanity. Especially his tribute to his dad. Quote: “Don’t forget to eat this spinach.” He’s going on a little long, but it’s a heart moment…fully earned and felt.

6:17 pm: Wanda Sykes (fresh outfit) introducing a promo for the Academy Museum — i.e., “Woke House.”

6:13 pm: The Best Animated Short Oscar goes to Windshield Wiper.

6:07 pm: Best Animated Feature goes to Encanto. Great, congrats, whatever.

Apology to HE readership: I’m firing Siteground, my Eastern European ISP, for that infuriating 500 internal server error. I’ve been pleading with them to fix or offer a solution I would have to implement. They’re history — incompetent bastards. Again, I apolgize.

5:55 pm: The 60th anniversary of the James Bond franchise? Dr. No opened in England on 10.5.62, but not until May 1963 in the States. So even by British exhibition standards the Bond franchise is 59 and 1/3 years old. Friendo: How is this playing at home?” HE to friendo: “Blah, meh, woke, flat. Something needs to happen.”

5:52 pm: Another Dune Oscar, this time to Best Visual Effects. Terrific. When is this show going to come alive?

5:44 pm: The Oscar telecast is 45 minutes old, and I’m not feeling anything. At all. Nothing. Friendo: “Is this as bad as I think it is? So far woke. Are you watching?” HE to friendo: “I’m watching and waiting.”

5:40 pm: A minor tribute to the White Men Can’t Jump guys (Woody, Rosie, Snipes)? And the Best Cinematography Oscar goes to Dune and Greig Fraser.

5:35 pm: Regina’s random Covid-testing routine is…why? People are laughing and cheering but it’s not funny. Really. I’m sorry.

5:25: West Side Story‘s Arianna de Bose wins Best Supporting Actress Oscar — locked in from the beginning, unanimous consensus, totally predicted, good work. She celebrates her history, her luck, her job, her queerness…going on too long. Like they all did during last year’s Soderbergh show.

5:22 pm: “Take away the lame opening number and unfunny opening monologues, and they could’ve given out all the awards they are eliminating from the live broadcast” — regional friendo.

5:10 pm: Amy Schumer, Wanda Sykes and Regina King sharing the monologue duties. “Toxic masculinity.” Snippy insult joke aimed at J.K. Simmons. Sykes: “I’ve watched The Power of the Dog three times, and I’m halfway through it” — a Jimmy Kimmel joke. And now they’re introducing the cavalcade of Oscar presenters. And now Schumer has taken over solo. “Home is the best” joke…?…nope. “We finally got a movie about the Williams sisters’ dad”…nope. A Leonardo DiCaprio young girlfriends joke…nope. A Being The Ricardos put-down joke.

5 pm: Venus and Serena Williams kicking things off with a Beyonce music video? I’m not getting a movie-madness feeling from this. Getting a lime chiffon vibe. Key lime pie and whipped cream. This could be an opener for the Grammys. What is this? Righteous Brothers: “You’ve lost that Oscar feelin’…”

…starts at 5 pm Pacific. Or maybe before. I don’t know what I’m saying. All I know is that for the last several weeks I’ve been hearing nothing but variations of “the Oscars are over, they peaked a couple of decades ago, nobody cares, how low will the ratings be?, everything sucks,” etc. And now we’re all on the red carpet and everyone is jubilant, jazzed, giggling, tickled pink!, caaaan’t wait!, etc.

It’s like the Invasion of the Happy Mysterians…who are you people? What do you really think? Do you have brains? Why is no one talking about what’s really and truly going on in this town? And where’s Penelope Cruz?

David Edelstein‘s CBS commentary is a nice way to start things off. Then again he doesn’t even mention Penelope Cruz as a possible Best Actress victor.