I’ll be okay with Ridley Scott‘s Gladiator II as long as it avoids gay or trans characters, and of course sidesteps any depictions or suggestions of homoeroticism or, God forbid, full-on sodomy. No ancient hard-ons of any kind, in or out of the arena, and no ejaculations. As long as that’s understood, we’re good. Or I am, at least.

I’m mentioning this because Scott is known for being receptive to story suggestions from his cast members, and because there’s a fair amount of pressure these days to include LGBTQ material or at least references to same in films, and because this sequel to Scott’s 24-year-old Gladiator costars Paul Mescal and Pedro Pascal, both of whom played gay characters last year in Andrew Haigh‘s All Of Us Strangers and Pedro Almodovar‘s Strange Way of Life, respectively.

I’m sorry but when I think of these guys I think…I don’t know what to think. But I can’t forget the cum droplets scene in All Of Us Strangers. Or Pedro angrily speaking to Ethan Hawke about “the smell of cum.”

Mescal plays Lucius Verus Diabetes, son of Russell Crowe‘s Maximus. We initially encounter Lucius in the North African coastal town of Numibia, living there with a wife and child. (What kind of toilet facilities did they have in ancient Numibia?) Pascal plays Marcus Ainus Acacius, a former Roman general forced to fight as a gladiator in punishment for insubordination. Denzel Washington is Macrinus Hepatitis, “a former slave-turned-wealthy merchant with a grudge against the emperors,” etc.

Oh, and Connie Nielsen plays Lucilla, the mother of Lucius. And 85 year-old Derek Jacobi is Senator Gracchus, a member of the Roman Senate who opposes the growing corruption of the Imperial court.

Note: I’m partly kidding about the names of Mescal, Pascal and Washington’s characters. I was influenced by characters in Woody Allen‘s “God.”

Vanity Fair synopsis: “Throughout Gladiator II, the reluctant hero encounters a number of other colorful and dubious characters.” Which means…whatever.