Let me count the ways.

Variety‘s Owen Gleiberman is reporting that if the declining Sundance Film Festival decides to keep Utah as its home base, it will primarily convene in Salt Lake City…ugghh!! Who the hell wants to spend ten days watching woke movies in that grim, godforsaken Mormon burgh?

The festival is all but dead anyway — moving it to SLC will most certainly kill the snowy-mountain, golden-Redford, ski-town vibe.

Boulder is, like, the only palatable option, man.

Posted last April: “Hey, Sundance Film Festival, are you listening? I’m shedding tears of joy over the news of your slow and inevitable demise. You’re essentially dead and nobody cares….in the words of the legendary J.J. Hunsecker, you’re a cookie filled with woke arsenic so get yourselves buried.

“Okay, that’s a little too harsh. Let me try again. How about ‘you’re Frankie Pentangeli before he opened his veins and bled to death in a bathtub’? Does that work better?

“Sundance will remain in Park City next January and in ’26, but they’re sniffing around for a new home. The festival isn’t decisively leaving Park City but something is prompting Hernandez and others to say ‘blah blah blah we’re happier and healthier than ever but we might leave,’ etc.

“If Sundance wants to extend its contract with Park City beyond ’26, the deadline is October 2024 — six months hence.

“Yes, Virginia…Sensitive Gargoyles Have Ruined Sundance,” posted on 12.27.21:

Open your veins, Sundance. Open your veins and bleed to death in the snow. You were the greatest American film festival for 30 years, but then you woked yourself to death. Nobody loves you now, nobody wants you…die, die.