Jett, Dylan and I will be throwing axes this Saturday at the Bloomfield location of Bury The Hatchet.

It’s not my idea and I really don’t want to do this. I’ve never thrown axes before and I don’t want to learn. The idea is to share in some guy activity but axes are too macho, too Mel Gibson. I’d rather go bowling. That’s kind of a Bill Murray or a Jack Nicholson thing, no? Plus I like wearing those bacteria-spray bowling shoes. I wouldn’t mind going to a rifle range and shooting AK-47s. Or playing miniature golf.

Look at the people in this photo — they’re all drinking beer, all the guys have facial hair, none of the women are unusually attractive and they’re all laughing too loudly. This is obviously a Millennial and Zoomer thing. Three of the guys are wearing plaid shirts — I wouldn’t wear a short-sleeved flannel shirt with a knife at my back.

I’m more of a semi-cultivated, Italian T-shirt, X-factor type. I don’t want to fantasize about being Kirk Douglas in The Vikings or Alexander Skarsgard in The Northman.

HE to burythehatchet management — I’m probably the only guy who’s ever visited your establishment who’s actually met and hung with Douglas (three times). After interviewing him on the El Paso set of Eddie Macon’s Run in ’82, he gave me a lift to Houston on his private jet.

Randy Newman: “I ain’t sayin’ I’m better than you are, but maybe I am.”