If the people behind Michael Jackson‘s now-scuttled concert tour have any sense, “they’ll assemble an all-star tribute concert,” writes HE’s Moises Chiullan. “There are plenty of faded-glory performers who could use a boost. They’ll retitle the concert to something like ‘Long Live the King’ that’ll inspire angry responses from Elvis fans in rural areas. Paula Abdul will be there — who else needs a major leg up? Part of the proceeds will go to charity, the rest to paying down Jackson’s crushing debt his kids are saddled with.”