I could have danced on the grave celebrated acknowledged the sad failure of The Lone Ranger to cut the box-office mustard much earlier in the day, but I was having too good a time. Pic took in less than $10 million yesterday, which translates into $40 million-plus for the weekend. Not good enough! It had to do at least $60 or $70 million! “A train wreck…another John Carter for Disney,” says Variety‘s Andrew Stewart. Failure! Anemic!

Oh, look, look…here comes Gore Verbinski, Johnny Depp and Jerry Bruckheimer. Wait…is that them? Oh, God, it is. Quick — cross the street so we don’t have to commiserate and tell them we love the film and that they should all be proud or some shit. Oh, fuck, they’ve seen us. Oh, fuck, they’re waving. Okay, let’s make the best of this…wave back.

Think of all the idiots out there who went to this alleged piece-of-shit** thinking, “Hah, this looks like expensive stupid crap…guess it’s worth spending money on!” And how they’re reading this now and going “oh, I don’t know…it wasn’t too bad…I laughed here and there.”

TheWrap‘s Todd Cunningham reports that “the weak $9.7 million debut puts the adaptation of the classic radio and TV show, with Armie Hammer as the title character and Johnny Depp as Tonto, on course for a weekend in the $45 million range. That’s way under projections, and all but assures the action Western, from the Pirates of the Caribbean team of Bruckheimer and Verbinski, won’t come close to recouping its $225 million budget and marketing costs.”

** I haven’t seen The Lone Ranger but not for lack of trying. I attended the NYC all-media but I got there 18 minutes later, by which time Disney publicists had pulled up stakes and were accepting no more attendees. Bad manners.