I was pulled over late last night by the East Hampton bulls because my tail lights were out. That was because I hadn’t fully turned the lights on. I’d been to the closing-night party of the Hamptons Film Festival and had a mild buzz-on, I admit, but nothing to concern the authorities. To make sure Officer Diamond had me submit to four tests to determine sobriety levels — holding up one foot for a count of six or seven, walking the white line, eyeballing a moving object and breathalyzer. I passed.

But I hadn’t paid a traffic ticket for “straddling lanes” (straddling lanes!) that I’d been given in midtown Manhattan a few months ago, which had kicked things up to a fine. And so Officer Diamond was obliged to arrest me, cuff me, put me in the back of his vehicle and drive me back to the police headquarters in Wainscott. From 2 am to 3:20 am I sat and waited as he filled out five or six forms (arrest, background, court date, etc.). This was the part I really didn’t care for. Sitting meekly under fleurescent light and minute by debilitating minute, my spirit slowly withered and died.

Then Officer Diamond took all my cash ($80) for bail and then gave me an 11.3 court appearance date, and then took the cuffs off and cut me loose. The police station is located about a mile into the woods, so I had to walk for about 25 minutes through the pitch-black forest (no streetlights of any kind) and then another 1/3 of a mile back to the Enclave Inn. I finally settled down and got some sleep around 4 am, and then got up at 8 am.

Now I have to take a cab (Lindy’s Taxi) out to the spot near the north shore where my car was left, and then drive back to the city.