8:27 pm: Parasite wins the Best Picture Oscar? So it’s won (1) Best Picture, (2) Best Director, (3) Best Original Screenplay and (4) Best International Feature? Look, guys…c’mon. Oh, forget it. You can’t fight City Hall. But it’s lopsided. I respectfully believe that The Irishman is a much better film overall. Much. Indisputably. But what’s done is done. History has been made. So how did 1917 win so conclusively elsewhere (especially with the guilds) and yet lose the Big One? Sasha Stone, please explain.

8:18 pm: Jordan Ruimy to HE: “You’re at the right party tonight.”

8:12 pm: And of course, Renee Zellweger takes the Best Actress Oscar. Her acceptance speech is…well, Joaquin’s was deeper, stronger. Who’s the large girthy guy sitting next to her? Thin gray hair. Just asking.

8:05 pm: It’s now time for Joaquin Phoenix to accept the Best Actor Oscar. This a great speech he’s giving. Against this or that species, race or nation choosing to dominate and exploit other species, races and species. I heard the words, especially about how we’re at our best when we give people a second chance. To those few and far between readers who’ve strayed or gone cold on Hollywood Elsewhere (and you know who you are) — give me a second chance! Come back to the fold! And don’t eat hamburgers!

8 pm: The late F.X Feeney should have been in the death reel. His unbridled love for cinema lifted so many boats.

7:51 pm: The possible Best Director upset is upon us — and it happens! 1917‘s Sam Mendes goes down, and Bong Joon-ho takes it! BJH: “I would like to get a Texas chainsaw and share this Oscar with all of my estemeed co-nominees”, or words to that effect. Very classy and gracious fellow.

7:42 pm: And now for the Best Musical Score Oscar, which naturally goes to Joker‘s Hildur Gudnadottir. Well deserved, totally forecast. And now teh Best Song Oscar goes to Elton and Bernie. Again, widely predicted.

7:30 pm: Indefatigable, sausage-fingered, purple-jacketed Elton John banging out “I’m Gonna Love Me Again” on a beautiful red piano. Except he’s wearing thick-soled silver-sides — a variation on your dreaded whiteside footwear. Correction: Yellowsides and pinksides.

7:23 pm: As totally and universally expected, Parasite takes the Best International Feature Oscar. Bong Joon-ho: “I’m ready to drink tonight.”

7:16 pm: Ray Romano gets bleeped for saying an eff word. Bombshell wins the Best Makeup Oscar — totally expected. Basically for making Charlize Theron look like Megyn Kelly.

7:14 pm: In a surprise, 1917 takes Best Visual Effects Oscar instead of Avengers: Endgame.

7 pm: Tom Hanks is wearing the same kind of tux as Brad Pitt — black velvet/valour jacket, medium-gray slacks. Announcing that the Academy museum, which just invited press people to look around, won’t open for another 11 months, or on 12./14.20.

6:50 pm: Will Ferrell and Julia Louis Dreyfuss handing out best Cinematography Oscar. To absolutely no one’s surprise, 1917’s Roger Deakins takes it. Best Film Editing Oscar. Ferrell and Dreyfuss’s “pretending to be dumbfucks” routine is…well, harmless. Two Ford v. Ferrari guys win for Best Editing. A bald guy and a slender, bearded guy from South America…congrats!

6:40 pm: Ford v. Ferrari wins for sound editing – 1917 wins for sound mixing. Or something like that. Designing, mixing, shifting, spritzing. Split vote.

6:30 pm: Love that Eminem voice! I’ve missed it! He’s 47 with a belly now, and his black jeans are dropping below his butt cheeks, ’90s-style. Martin Scorsese is squinting….waiting for “it” to happen.

6:16 pm: “Give the Best Supporting Actress Oscar to Laura Dern” time has arrived. And she gets it. No offense but you’re not allowed to use the word “magic” when speaking of the prowess of creative collaborators. Kudos to Dern for delivering a heartfelt, fresh-sounding acceptance speech, which had to have been difficult given that she’s been winning winning winning for weeks now.

6:09 pm: American Factory (i.e., sucking up to the Obamas) wins Best Feature Documentary. Yeah! The Skateboarding Is Hard If You’re A Girl (or something like that) short doc wins. I voted for this on my ballot!

6:02 pm: Chrissy Metz has great pipes. Another in the plus-size cavalcade. Nice choral background behind her.

5:55 pm: Best Production Design Oscar goes to Once Upon A Time in Hollywood. Hollywood Elsewhwere approves, claps, high fives. The Kristen Wigg-Mrs Paul Thomas Anderson patter sucks…not funny. Not even a little bit. And Little Women wins Best Costume Design. Expected, predicted.

5:47 pm: I didn’t vote for The Neighbor’s Window on my Oscar ballot. Considered it, thought better.

5:37pm: Keanu and Diane. Great hat, gleaming white teeth, nice complexion. Best Original Screenplay. Keaton: “I’m gonna open this. No, no…not yet, that’s what I mean.” Parasite will win, of course. The Oscar goes to Bong Joon-ho, and the entire Parasite party crowd goes “whooooaaaaaaaa!!!” Hollywood Elsewhere approves except for letting the fired maid inside while the family is drunk, etc.

Best Adapted Screenplay Oscar is expected to go to JoJo Rabbit. I’m sorry but I hate that little kid — I have from the get-go. Taika Watiti wins for JoJo! Totally predicted.

Timothy Chalamet‘s “tux” looks like one of those outfits that gas station guys used to wear in the ”40s and ’50s.

5:28 pm: Josh Gad (the latest plus-size award presenter) announces a musical number.

5:21 pm: Best Animated Feature Oscar won by Toy Story 4 — predicted, expected, no surprise. Will there by any surprises this evening? The Gold Derby experts are hoping for this but don’t count on it. Hair Love (which I voted for on my party ballot) wins Best Animated Short.

5:13 pm: Best Supporting Actor time. Brad Pitt waits calmly, patiently…no worries. Nice tux — black velvet jacket, dark gray pants. 45 seconds to deliver acceptane speech, “which is 45 seconds more than the Senate gave John Bolton [last] week.” Best line: “Once Upon a Time In Hollywood…indeed.” Or “you bet.” or “yup, that’s me.” Or “whoda thunk it?”

5:10 pm: Conversational noise levels at Soho House viewing party are semi-defeaning. I’m sitting on a small gray stool in front of a 70-incher. Steve Martin, Chris Rock co-hosting (for a while). Martin: “No screw-ups this year because the Academy has switched to the new Iowa caucus app”…good one.