“I’m feeling like a very large turd on a very thin stick. I’m holed up in bed and taking everything from sled-dog urine to powdered East Indian vulva — maybe won’t work tomorrow if I feel the same. I really feel bad for not showing up at your birthday bash but I really feel shitty and best stay in bed. I don’t have much of a selection. I’m sure it will be a kick in the ass and I hate to miss it — Happiest of birthdays to you, Charlie.” — text of a handwritten letter written by Marlon Brando to Charlie Sheen, which is being auctoned by Leland’s. The bidding has started at a grand.