The Spider-Man 3 Rotten Tomatoes situation as of Thursday morning at 9:45 a.m.: a 68% positive by the rank and filers, and a 53% positive from the cream-of-the-croppers. Homie #1: “Yo, dawg…we really sure about this, man? 53% rating cream of the crop…sounds dicey. Hell, it sounds bad,” Homie #2: “Yeah…a little scary, man…I know. Shoot, hang it…let’s see Lucky You instead.” Homie #1: “Down wit dat.”

Anthony Lane‘s New Yorker pan is glorious fun; it makes you feel as if you’ve almost seen it:

“In an early scene, a meteorite crashes to Earth, and from it crawls what seems to be a tiny garbage sack with half a mind of its own: not a bad image of where this film belongs. And, would you believe, the first person this superblob attaches itself to is, yes, Peter Parker ((Tobey Maguire). It doesn√ɬ¢√¢‚Äö¬¨√¢‚Äû¬¢t choose him; nobody has targeted him — of all Earth√ɬ¢√¢‚Äö¬¨√¢‚Äû¬¢s inhabitants, he just happens to be close by.

“Is this truly the best that the filmmakers can be bothered to do for our delight? Just how easily and stupidly pleased do they presume we are? Peter√ɬ¢√¢‚Äö¬¨√¢‚Äû¬¢s college professor (Dylan Baker) declares that the black stuff ‘amplifies characteristics of its host.’ Fine, and I vaguely understand what occurs when it latches onto Eddie. The first host, however, is Spider-Man himself, and this is where the film becomes so embarrassing that you have to crouch down and stuff popcorn in your ears.

And this: “It is thrilling to imagine what Guillermo del Toro, who made Pan√ɬ¢√¢‚Äö¬¨√¢‚Äû¬¢s Labyrinth, or the James Cameron who brought us Terminator 2: Judgment Day, would do with Thomas Haden Church‘s Sandman. Both directors are obsessed with shapeshifters — with their sad restlessness, their ability to conjure threat out of the apparently fragile. The director of Spider-Man 3, Sam Raimi, is unconcerned by such niceties; to him, Sandman is just a bullying baddie against whom Spider-Man (Tobey Maguire) must pit his web and his wits.”