If only my life’s journey had led me, in the parlance of Quentin Tarantino, toward “the gay way” and the absolute joy of having some Iceman dude “ride my tail.” Alas, I’m straight (along with 95% or 96% of the population**), and so I can only press my nose against the glass and wonder what this way of life…this way of being…might be like.

Vanity Fair exclusive: “All Of Us Strangers follows Adam (Andrew Scott), a 40-something writer living alone in a nearly deserted high-rise outside of London. His neighbor Harry (Paul Mescal) drunkenly flirts with him one night, a steamy, if messy, meet-cute that develops into a tender relationship.

“Between encounters with Harry, Adam finds himself drawn back to where he grew up. In that house left behind by the family long ago, he finds his parents (Claire Foy, Jamie Bell) getting on with life — [which is] odd as his parents died in a tragic accident when he was a child. He’s hardly thrown off by their presence or their youthfulness; he finds comfort in merely being able to see them again. To tell them he’s gay. To understand them as adults. To imagine their bond that never could be.

“’It’s an opportunity to revisit your parents long after they might have passed and to have a dialogue,’ says Oscar nominee Graham Broadbent (The Banshees of Inisherin), who, alongside producing partner Sarah Harvey, first brought Haigh the book to adapt. ‘What would you tell your parents about your life if you were an adult and they were no longer with us?'”

If I was gay I would never, ever hook up with Mescal — not my type, doesn’t do it, forget about it.

** Until Zoomers came along, that is — they’ve single-handedly sent the LGBTQ population percentage much higher, although a lot of it about empathy than actual sexual preference.