8:37 pm: And the Best Picture Oscar goes to The King’s Speech. And that’s all she wrote. Excuse me while I go outside and stare at traffic with a nauseated look on my face. A Best Picture decision has been made without a single major critics group having concurred. And yet The King’s Speech did win four Oscars; ditto Inception. The Social Network won three, and Alice in Wonderland and The Fighter took two each.

I regret that my presence in this overlit Starbucks kept me from seeing the Best Picture montage, which everyone apparently loved.

Twitter pronouncement from Roger Ebert: “The worst Oscarcast I’ve seen, and I go back awhile. Some great winners, a nice distribution of awards, but the show? Dead. In. The. Water.”

8:26 pm: Colin Firth, as expected, has won the Best Actor Oscar for his performance in The King’s Speech. I am sitting here in a puddle of despair…a state of complete resignation, despondency and depression. I feel like Ishmael in Moby Dick, “like knocking someone’s hat off.”

8:16 pm: I wouldn’t have minded at all if Annette Bening had won for Best Actress. Natalie Portman has won everything, and it would have been a nice surprise. But she deserved it so good for her and the gang. It’s nice that she thanked Luc Besson for putting her in The Professional at age 11, and her tribute to Black Swan director Darren Aronofsky: “Fearless leader…visionary”

8:03 pm: Oh. My. God. A gasp in press room as Tom Hooper wins the Oscar for Best Director…? Sputter, spittle, splat, choke. HE is speechless, gasping…appalled.

7:53 pm: Four more awards to go. Is Best Director next? No…the “In Memoriam” roll call. If i was watching it (and not sitting here at a nearly-empty Starbucks) I might have a chance to be “deeply offended” by this or that deceased person being left out. Update: I was right — they left off Corey Haim because he died too young, and due to suspicious circumstances, and too many years after his ’80s career peak.

7:48 pm: It’s kinda cool not watching the Oscars and just staying with Twitter to keep up with what’s happening. Randy Newman‘s Toy Story 3 song wins for Best Song…terrific. Been on the show many times, he says, “and I slow it down every time.”

7:35 pm: Okay, I’m back — HE’s ISP made an adjustment for increased traffic — but no promises. There’s no TV at my Melrose Starbucks, but The Social Network, I’m reading, has taken Best Film Editing. That’s three Oscars for TSN and one so far (i.e., Seidler) for The King’s Speech. Best tweet of the last five minutes: “If by some miracle TSN wins Best Picture, we get to say “it didn’t come back for its 30%….it came back FOR EVERYTHING.” — Awards Daily‘s Sasha Stone.

7:15 pm: I’m sitting at a Starbucks on Melrose, complaining to a tech support guy who works for my ISP. I can’t refresh pages to save my life, so I quit. I give up. I’m off-duty until further notice. The internet is a rich and bountiful place. There are hundreds of places to check up on the Oscars, but Hollywood Elsewhere just isn’t one of them. Not any more. It’s not that big a deal. Tomorrow is another day.

The winners so far, courtesy of the guys at Movieline, who don’t have server issues:

Best Feature Documentary: Inside Job, director: Charles Ferguson.

Best Art Direction: Robert Stromberg and Karen O’Hara, Alice in Wonderland.

Best Cinematography: Wally Pfister, Inception.

Best Supporting Actress: Melissa Leo, The Fighter.

Best Animated Short: The Lost Thing.

Best Animated Feature: Toy Story 3.

Best Adapted Screenplay: Aaron Sorkin, The Social Network.

Best Original Screenplay: David Seidler, The King’s Speech.

Best Foreign Language Film: In a Better World.

Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale, The Fighter.

Best Original Score: Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross, The Social Network.

Best Sound Mixing: Lora Hirschberg, Gary A. Rizzo, Ed Novick, Inception.

Best Sound Editing: Richard King, Inception.

Best Makeup: Rick Baker and Dave Elsey, The Wolfman.

Best Costume Design: Colleen Atwood, Alice in Wonderland.

Best Documentary Short Subject: Strangers No More.

6:33 pm: Christian Bale, winner of the Best Supporting Actor Oscar….I’m barely able to think, much less write, due to the appallingly slow wifi and the inability to save and reload in less than three or four minutes per refresh. I almost don’t care any more. I’m just fuming.

6:16 pm: Aaron Sorkin, naturally, has won the best Adapted Screenplay award, and — I loved this — fearlessly continued to speak and finish despite the orchestra playing cue music. And David Seidler….sorry, fucking internet has been awful…has won for Best Adapted Screenplay for The King’s Speech.

6:07 pm: Everybody knew Toy Story 3 had it in the bag, so I don’t know what there is to say. Be gracious! Congrats to Lee Unkrich, Michael Arndt, John Lasseter, etc. Why didn’t The Effin’ Gruffalo win for Best Animated Short?

5:51 pm: I’m sorry to say this, but I wonder if having the great Kirk Douglas, somewhat understandable in his condition, introduce the Best Supporting Actress nominees. But I love the way Douglas is delaying the announcement. Expert acting! And the Oscar goes to Melissa Leo! “Oh, wow….really, really, really and truly wow…but I’m just shaking in my boots here.” She let go with “fucking” and got bleeped? (Seven second delay.)

5:39 pm: Tom Hanks giving the Oscars for Art Direction and Cinematography? They’re trying to cut down on air time? The Art Direction goes to Alice in Wonderland? Upset, upset…big upset. Did Scott Feinberg call this? Anyone? Should have been Inception! And True Grit‘s Roger Deakins loses the Best Cinematography Oscar? “Wally Pfister is my favorite porno actor.” — Andrew Goldstein, Witstream. OscarsThis is going to be a very strange night.

5:39 pm: James Franco and Anne Hathaway‘s patter is good-natured, slack, on the lame-chirpy side. Talking to mom and grandma was ill-advised.

5:33 pm: I remember the first time Billy Crystal did this.” (Inserting an Oscar host inside scenes of nominated films.) “It was really funny. It was also 1997.” — Steve Pond.