Gold Derby‘s Tom O’Neill to Jeffrey Wells: “You’re slacking off again, Mr. Elsewhere! Last night Gravity‘s Alfonso Cuaron won the DGA Award for Outstanding Directorial Achievement in Motion Pictures…which means that you and all the other Oscarologists have to re-think and re-post your Oscar predictions! C’mon, Jeff…hubba hubba! Only five weeks until the Oscars and…(audibly sighs, imperceptibly slumps)…who am I kidding?

“Cuaron’s win means…what does it mean? That DGA members didn’t like the experience of watching the obviously superior 12 Years A Slave enough to give the award to Steve McQueen…despite the disapproving scowls of the Movie Godz? That they lacked the character and clarity of mind to give it to Martin Scorsese, director of the ballsiest, go-for-broke social indictment film of the century (and incidentally the best film of 2013) — The Wolf of Wall Street? And that they felt at the end of the day that Cuaron, director of a technically groundbreaking “Sandra Bullock in a haunted house” movie (in the words of Alexander Payne) that was “supposed to be an amusement ride” (in the Bullock’s own words), should get it because Cuaron and dp Emmanuelle Lubezki worked so hard to deliver an exceptional FX movie, even though they originally wanted to make a more austere, less emotionally cloying, more 2001-ish experience. And because a win for a Mexican-born filmmaker makes them seem…what, culturally magnanimous? Alfonso is one of the finest and kindest-hearted directors around today, but he should have won for Children of Men.”

(Rouses self, stands up, spreads arms): “But I want to see some fresh predictions before the day is out, Jeff! Cuaron is king today but will Gravity take it? This race is more and more of a toss-up thing with each new event. 12 Years a Slave and Gravity tied for the top PGA prize, American Hustle takes the SAG ensemble award…nobody knows anything! Including the Oscarologists! All we do is run around in circles and pant and salivate and wag our tails, but at least we’re committed and on the case!”

From THR’s Scott Feinberg: “For the last 65 years of the 85 in which the Academy Awards have been presented, the Directors Guild of America (DGA) — a union of 15,000 film and television directors from all over the world — has presented awards too. Over the course of that time, the winner of the guild’s top prize, the DGA Award for Outstanding Directorial Achievement in Motion Pictures, has gone on to win the Best Director Oscar on all but seven occasions and his or her film has gone on to win the Best Picture Oscar on all but 13 occasions.”