Last night and this morning three kneejerk comment-threaders — Bruce Taking a Nap, Overlord and Sunset Terra Cotta — tried the same old “rumble scooters are not motorcycles” superiority schtick this morning, but I bitch-slapped them into submission.
HE to macho numbskulls: “Did you know that manual-shift four-wheel vehicles (dwindling as their numbers may be) are ten if not fifteen times cooler and more manly than automatics? And that guys who drive automatics are not, in fact, men? It’s true. Why? The tactile effort of gear-shifting, of course. And the extra-loud rumble of a well-tuned, muffler-free classic Mustang 289 cc engine….oooohhh, mama! Only emasculated, constantly-texting pussies drive automatics. Ask the ghost of Steve McQueen.
“God, go to Europe one of these years. You’ll find millions of sizable rumble hogs (some smaller than mine, some larger) on the streets of Paris, Rome, Berlin, etc. And nobody spray-pisses about the difference between choppers and rumble hogs. You’re so deeply and profoundly impressed with the studly regimen of shifting gears with your left foot. I’ve been there (German-made BMW yellow jacket from late ‘07 to ‘09) and it barely matters. In the realm of city & canyon driving, it’s all but effing meaningless. Yes, a rumble-hogger misses out on the Zen of motorcycle maintenance, but that involves greasy fingers and higher upkeep costs. **
“What matters is the look, the size, the blackness, the vibration, the sound and the speed, along with the tuk-tuk, the mounted case and the John Wayne–Red River saddlebags. And the presence of heavy-traffic driving skills, of course. Splitting lanes, fearless ducking and weaving, etc.”
Another nitpicker called “The Sandwich” chimed in: “It’s a scooter, not a ‘rumble hog’. Quit railing at the correct nomenclature, dude — it’s sad.”
HE: “Nomenclature, shmolenclature. My trusty steed is what I SAY it is. It is what it looks, feels, rides and sounds like. Buh-RUHM, RUHM, RUHM!! Your nitpicky ninny-nanny objection is less than zero. You and ‘Bruce Taking A Nap’ need to visit Paris some day. Battalions of rumble hogs and nobody gives a damn about your bullshit, nickle-and-dime, left-foot gear-shift hang up.”
** I have a years-long relationship with a brilliant mechanic, Alex of Long Beach, who visits from time to time.
