Scott Feinberg‘s Brutally Honest Oscar Ballot series began today in the Hollywood Reporter. I had a vague recollection that last year’s brutal ballots were posted during balloting instead of after — but I was wrong. But they should be posted during balloting as they would reflect prevailing attitudes and potentially influence voting patterns.

Here’s the assessment of the Best Actor race by today’s moron (probably a geezer, apparently a writer, cranky, short attention span, Jewish, couldn’t be bothered to see Mad Max: Fury Road):

“I rule out Leonardo [DiCaprio] immediately because it’s a ridiculous performance. What was that saliva-drool thing he was doing when his son was being killed by Tom Hardy? They are running his campaign based on how hard it was to make the movie, right? I’m tired of hearing about it — that’s what he gets paid for! I mean, this was not Nanook of the North [a 1922 docudrama shot in the Arctic], for Christ’s sake. Give me a break. He’s got tens of millions of dollars and I would assume they had heaters. The fact that he’s never won before? He’s a young man, he still has time. Plus he’s always with some supermodel…no offense but to hell with a guy who’s got everything but also wants to be awarded for being mauled by a bear and freezing in the cold and eating a buffalo liver.

“Steve Jobs‘ Michael Fassbender is also out because he’s in a dopey movie, and also because he’s putting the high hard one to Alicia Vikander. What happened to the days when I used to occasionally get lucky? I’ll tell you what happened to those days — they flew out the window 35 or 40 years ago! Fuck! Trumbo‘s Bryan Cranston was nominated because of whom he played, not how he played him. I liked The Martian‘s Matt Damon and The Danish Girl‘s Eddie Redmayne very much, but Eddie broke my heart with the way he showed how painful it must have been to know something about himself that no one else seemed able to understand.”

Full disclosure: The preceding quote is a partly inaccurate, impressionist re-wording of today’s actual Brutally Honest Oscar Ballot. I’m sorry but I prefer my version to that actual one.